what are you doing to me

i love you sweetheart

have a beautiful day

i'm doing inventory tomorrow

so
i'm going in at 3:30a
i did the pre-work already
[hopefully well]
so
tonight's an early night
and tomorrow is all whack

hopefully it will go even smoother than last year

luck to me

also
i'm driving my mom to that workshop in eagle pass
they re-booked her
which is awesome
except for when it is
and
that she doesn't want to go to marfa again
which was the whole reason i wanted to drive her to begin with

so
i'm looking for a spa
i'm thinking massage and facials and mud baths
unless i can come up with something
better

i love you pumpkin

dreams

the last few nights
i haven't retained my dreams past waking
something
about a grocery store
something

but
last night

i was my sister
and you were your brother
and we were in a room
but we weren't alone

and you're all like:
hey, what's wrong with you

and i'm all like:
see that guy over there, he's my gynocologist
and it's making me uncomfortable to see him here

there was weed smoking going on in the room
[for the record, i would never have a male gyno-- eeeww]
this guy seemed like a used car salesman
and there was some reason
i'd had to find one quick
and he'd been it
but i wasn't comfortable with him
especially not socially

so
i looked at you
and you were different
than you look
you, or your brother, rather
looked like this guy
and when i went looking for pictures
this was the first one i found
which is some bizarre synchronicity
so i include it here

anyway
maybe we were smoking weed
or maybe not
but we did this thing
where we breathed into each other
and

it tasted
like
butter

does that seem right

ok. i got the tower 3 times this morning. what gives.

are you sick?
injured?
is something awful about to happen?

i'm so not ok with the tower.

last night i dreamed i was

justin bieber

well
not exactly
i dreamed that i was all done up like jb
i lived in a house with a buch of really cool women
and for some reason
i had bought the one couple and their kid an apartment
and now i was living with a really bossy woman
and she had me lookin like justin bieber

now
i gotta admit
i had to look up justin bieber
because
i really have no idea about him
he looks like he's 12
and kinda pretty for a guy
but
songs are ok for pop

i found it disconcerting

i dreamed i was travelling by train

maybe that was something you sent to me
i don't know
i have been having, lately
very stressful dreams
things that make me wake up tired
and today
i just wanted to stay in bed, dreaming

i didn't feel
as stiff and sore, waking up, as i have done
and there was some optimism

that may be
premature
because i still have
uncertainties about important things

but
if you're gonna send me stuff
pain reduction
optimism
and
a feeling of comfort
are good

really really good

would it freak you out

i'm thinking about
taking a voice class
it's free
but
it's at the Unitarian universalist church
which is marginally christian

whirlwind
X

i didn't know what i was going to say, until just now

but this
this floats

bad puns become metaphors
with love
on love
whatever
love sells it

how did you know you wouldn't lose me

i wonder about that, sometimes
i twist it back and forth
not
anymore
like worrying the cheek i just bit

more like a dog with one of those ears

[i was almost all girl-y poetical]

untying knots in the fringes

jesus there is no way i can post this now
this is sounding way negative
and it's not

i've been thinking

dream to me sweets

beloved, lie with me

and
this wasn't just any grilled cheese
real bread, dense texture, chew-y crunchy
real cheese, smooth, firm, slick
tomato, warm, grilled
avocado still slightly chill
and the fries

cut from a potato directly into the basket in which they will be submerged into oil

lightly dusted with salt immediately
after withdrawal

and what do we drink with this feast
as i watch the flames dance across your face
do the dance
is that too trope
or do they lick and tease

i want suddenly to lick your cheek
just to taste you in an animal way that isn't even really sexual
or maybe it is
but not like that

you taste
of salt
and
recognition
i know you
like that

that time
that you told me your back hurt
and i didn't give my line
i want to make up for that now
it want to anoint you baby
in something
food grade

i'm not playing around about the massage
i'm interested
in where you hold your tension
what depth will my thumbs sink into your shoulder blades
and these things aren't sexual either
well, they are
but not like that

now
if i find the sweet spot in your twisty bendy fascia

that 
that will be 

hot

and i want to roll around a lot
we might have to spend days and days
to learn
all of each other

or maybe not

that
feels like something we already did somewhere
back before the road, even

i hope everything's good with you

i am having
issues
my head hurts--  bad
and it's gotten progressively worse all day
my neck and shoulders
are all jacked up
and i have cystic acne all along my jawline
wtf

i just keep imagining
we're at big sur
we just walked down to the diner
got french fries and grilled cheese sandwiches
and we're having a picnic
in the cabin
in front of the fire

i love you very much

i went to trader joe's

i like trader joe's
it's cute
and it reminds me of california

because i decided to start a detox
well, that's been in the works
i ordered some organic grains from that farm in iowa
i know they say buy local
but
i met them
and
i need some of that iowan energetic structure
in an you are what you eat kind of way
and
since i met them
i know it's grown with love

oat bran and black quinoa, mostly

anyway, trader joe's
i got almond milk and bananas
to make breakfast drinks with the maca and chia i already have
and i bought supplements

so here's my plan:

6x a day
4 very green
1-2  milk thistle
1-2  kyolic
1-2  pycnogenol

he idea being 1 for the first 4 doses
2 for the last 2

and lemon water, lots of lemon water

and today
i started happy happy blood times
i'm averaging the one i didn't have
with the 2 that i had the month i tried to get on birth control pills

i'm not giving in on this one

a sign from god

i hadn't even asked for one

i don't want to run through my whole day
it might make things make more sense
but
it's not where i want to go right now

the moment came
at sushi choo choo

jw girl at work
got herself onto the news
fashion segment

which is cool and all
but i had no plans to watch it
i don't actually like her
it's a lot of little reasons why

had
anyway
forgotten about it

i missed my first period in 35 years
i had a problem with my bank card i had to go to the bank to address
i just worked more or less overnight the last two days
to totally reset my promotions
which is still filling my head
and i had to do my orders today because i'm off tomorrow

believe me when i say i'd forgotten

sushi choo choo

the waiter seated me across from the tv
not what i would have chosen
but i didn't seat myself

it was set
to that channel
and i saw her

(without sound
the best way)

but
the message
from god
wasn't about (shit, i almost said her name)

it was more like:

chill, i still got your back, timewise
right time right place, all that jazz

imagine

i'm giving you a gift
no
not the gift
i bought you a shirt
to feel good against your skin
it's a silk knit
like gossamer milk
with sleeves you can push up
and
maybe
pockets
i'm not sure how you feel about pockets
and
now
i'm kinda thinking
pants
of a similar fabric
for lounging
and such

last night

i imagined
it was like a vision
we were in our bedroom
it didn't really look the way i picture it
but
the sense of it was
strong

we got into bed
and
i felt the way
a way
the we could fit together
casually

it might be awkward
but it wasn't
you kissed my neck
but from the front
sprawled across me
i could feel your weight against me

i could feel you

your weight

and

i loved it

i've got a wacky work week

so
if you don't hear from me
as much
or at the times you might
expect
don't be sad
don't think that i'm ignoring you

i know you can't answer this

but
how
and
really
i'm trying to make sense of my life

thoughts

i see my mom
once a week, almost every week

previously
i would see my mom
quarterly

i am
not sure
this isn't changing me

we had a reasonably good day i guess
we went to breakfast
we talked about
ongoing
topics

we bought tubes of a face mask i pre-tested
i gave her perfume for mother's day

i think that was good

she used to like shalimar
i didn't know whether or not she still liked it
maybe something new would have been better
but

i think it was good

then she wanted me to help her with vitamins and supplements
but
and i'm leaving a bunch of story out here
it couldn't be more than two

we were at gnc
and i kept trying to be sneaky and get two big vitamin systems
so one bag, many pills
but she just kept saying soy
it contains soy

so i finally found
and it was a puzzle

resveratrol  & fish oil + co q-10

so yeah
heart health
but high antioxidant too
and mobility of joints
eyes, brain, general neurological function
cell energy

but she had been listening to me
because she's like:

wait
i thought you said carnatine was important for heart

yes
but that would push us to three

ok, fine three
i'll take three

plus the packets of emergen-c
that you're already taking

yes, plus that
does that give me a muti vitamin

well, not exactly
it gives you c and b vitamins

i'd really like to see you get some d

i have some d vitamins
for my osteoporosis
i'll take those



i'm worried about her