I'm supposed to have an extra good luck day tomorrow my horoscope said buy a lottery ticket

OK

I am in a weird place

& I'm not sure

WHY

or how long I've been here

I feel a strong desire to apologize for being 

TEDIOUS 

BUT 

that SEEMS contrary

to what I'm trying to achieve 

SO

MAYBE 

that's a good illustration of one of my issues 

I can SEE how

the experience of ME 

in my FULL confusing me-ness

MIGHT be 

LIKE 

a bit MUCH 

& I want to acknowledge 

that I KNOW that

I listened to my aunt joan telling me all the problems with edith

for years

I listened and I did

WHATEVER 

it is that I DO

in my personal belief 

that's not really 

FAIR to a

KID

BUT 

it comes naturally to me, I guess 

SO

maybe I started it, ya know

it was f*cking her up pretty good 

& I TOLD her 

she should JUST stop

& she explained to me that I was a monster

& I guess I thought about that too

BUT 

I'm not saying 

I'm sorry for being the way I am

& I'm not forcing you to 

deal with me

BUT 

I'm a little over how long everything takes

I'm commiserating 

I had to stop

LOOK 

at what I've gone through 

be a little BIT impressed

BUT 

I'm all over the place

& last night

I thought I felt you quantum entangled 

& then I had this whole

FILM portal thing

like the beatles

thing

& I thought I had a THING 

but then I second guessed my mind meld

& freaked out

& THAT is what THAT was ABOUT 

AND

this voice in my HEAD 

KEEPS yelling 

DANDELION 

check in april 22nd

I wasn't trying to make that

HEAVY

or about you

I just don't know how much SENSE I make

I know you understand 

some of what I'm talking about 

don't let my

self questioning 

spill over into some kind of criticism of you

I don't mean it like that

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

sleep is really good

the barbarella experience thing

is somehow like that

machine thing

I don't really remember exactly 

like it was an organ

MAYBE 

& it was gonna

KILL

her with pleasure 

or something 

well

it was not like that

obviously 

but that's the thing that came to MIND 

to describe it SEE 

BUT 

then I realize

I might not remember the 

SAME part you'd 

remember 

& SO

I guess I just didn't want to have 

to feel like I was doing 

EVERYTHING 

& I'm making it WEIRD so I'll stop

sleep is good

the skincare squad is threatening to quit

they have been working 

miracles

BUT 

the part of me that picks

is just using that as an excuse 

to pick more

I was walking across the parking lot 

from my car to the vet

NO

I was walking 

FROM 

the vet --- picking up a prescription 

& I CAUGHT something 

out of the corner of 

my EYE

I

looked

UP

& there was an enormous 

LIKE 

the WHOLE 

PUFF

of the dandelion 

going 

UP

I don't believe 

ANY PART

of a dandelion 

has wafted past me

in ANY CAPACITY 

since I was in the GRASS

BLOWING on them

MYSELF 

EVEN THEN 

not the whole thing 

that's 

gotta 

be a 

SIGN

gn LOVE

I'm gonna try to sleep now

BUT 

I have to tell you

ABOUT 

dandelion sighting 

I'm glad I'm not claiming to be sane

because I don't think 

that would accurately represent 

& I just had

what I suddenly 

NEED to CALL 

a barbarella experience 

check in april 21st

PROBABLY 

the jail thing is a scam

IDK

I went and read jason's many dms

--- because I haven't read ANY of them since he said the thing I said was triggering to me ---

& I gotta SAY

it is possible that he's a narcissist

which I didn't really think he was

BUT 

it's all LIKE 

WELL 

I'm just going to 

KEEP TRYING to REACH OUT to you 

with your problems 

EVERYONE 

has problems 

nowhere is there anything like

if I did or said anything 

I'm sorry 

JUST

things designed to cause 

GUILT

WHATEVER 

I'm gonna go back to NOT reading them

I was just curious & figured they

wouldn't trigger me now

& they didn't 

not even the photo of dad

I AM 

a little concerned with the IDEA that maybe 

NO ONE really KNOWS me

& if that's because I'm doing something 

that I could simply do

SOME OTHER WAY

AM I bringing this on myself 

NOT my family 

that's just an unfortunate toxic pattern

or set of patterns that I'm unwilling to play along with but can't change by myself 

BUT 

if you understand me

you might be the only one 

& I don't know how much SENSE I make to you

I just know you CARE

ANYWAY 

I wonder 

I watched this video

talking about WHY 

babies & animals

LIKE

my personality type

& I THOUGHT 

that might be part of the reason people don't get me

I don't project my DESIRES of them

AT THEM

which maybe makes me

INVISIBLE 

in some ways 

it's part of what makes me feel SAFE for people to talk to ALSO but that READS as 

non-judgemental

I maybe don't know how to be human

APPARENTLY people don't actually 

LISTEN to what you SAY

they ONLY listen to 

RESPOND 

SO

explaining yourself 

JUST SOUNDS 

like weakness or something 

I'm exhausted by the very CONCEPT of all that

I sound like I'm not doing well

BUT 

I think I'm basically okay

I just THINK I'm assessing what's just ME

in the equation of my life 

& WONDERING 

WHAT if anything I want to change

I don't like the IDEA that I'm some sort of

BLANK SPACE

BUT 

other people coming AT ME is a thing I don't like

SO

I'm not wanting to do THAT

it's all part of the

self sovereignity assessment 

I'm running on myself 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

sometimes the world feels weird

I've gotten three calls ---

I have my ringer turned off

because I'm not currently responding to fires

--- from a prison in Louisiana 

they don't say who is trying to call

I suspect a wrong number 

BUT 

last thing I knew

my brother john ---

who I haven't spoken to in like 

eighteen years

& that's how recent my information about his

whereabouts is 

--- was working on a boat

as a cook

OFFSHORE Louisiana 

it's a wrong number 

right?!

check in april 21st

I don't think I said anything yesterday 

I was feeling 

kinda off

I had

dreams about past jobs

sort of & I had an insecure moment or

SOMETHING 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

thoughts

I was going through an old photo album

edith (my hippie aunt) 

left with my mom 

who never gave it to me

& I found when I was

clearing out her 

house 

I found a picture she had taken

of Lombardi street

---the crookedest Street in the world---

& she had a note on it for me

because I was three & a half and likely wouldn't 

REMEMBER 

the note SAID 

this is a picture I took of Lombardi street 

joan really liked it

I REMEMBER 

VIVIDLY 

when edith directed us onto that street

& joan got a view of it

realized she couldn't back up

couldn't find any way

OUT of it

freaked out

& proceeded to wind the enormous whale of a car

down this street without hitting anything 

with maybe a soupcon of

here goes nothin'

because 

what the hell, ya know 

I felt EVERY BIT of THAT 

AND 

while I do believe she 

SAID 

something LIKE 

well THAT was FUN

my TAKE is that

the feeling was 

edith had done it, probably on purpose, but since she didn't drive there wasn't any point in saying anything because she would just SAY

OH I had NO IDEA

that might be stressful*

SO

no body ever called her on it

*I don't believe anythone ever said stressful back then

BUT 

the IDEA 

that joan enjoyed the experience 

that she would write me a 

NOTE

telling me

joan liked it 

SEEMS WEIRD 

to me

gonna try to sleep now

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

DUDE I had some DREAMS

I dreamed you made a ceramic bowl 

with my face painted on it

& bob dylan said he 

didn't like it

because 

you didn't take his advice & he's a painter too now

BUT

I loved it

then some stuff I don't remember 

& I was at this BIG art show

like booths in a huge mall or convention center 

or something 

& I came upon

this booth

SOMEONE I KNEW who they were in the DREAM 

she was incredibly famous 

SHE was demonstrating

some kind of laquering

TECHNIQUE 

& I walked up

& bob dylan was at her booth 

he loves her work

& it was a beautiful piece of wood

& there were little bits of wood

ON the wood surface 

that you couldn't really even SEE they just caught the light like little flecks of gold leaf

it was SUPER subtle

ALMOST CONCEPTUAL

& dylan and I hugged

I can't remember the feelings 

that led to that

MAYBE 

he was in a fluffy wool coat

because what I remember was a fluffy wooliness

then there was some more stuff I don't remember 

then I was walking 

through neighborhoods

sometimes secret streets

that ran inside apartment buildings 

sometimes semi wooded areas

& I came out in some sort of

insurance company building 

MAYBE 

I can't explain WHY I think that

then I walked out

& the platform outside the doors

led to stairs

that just ended in a way

that would lead you to

just walk off into 

NOTHING 

falling, probably to your death

I LOOKED WAY UNDER 

& it looked like it was built on top of the White House

there was a usable stair off to the side

& I got to the ground

BUT 

everything was

CRAZY

& there were groups of people 

that seemed like

they were

IDK

at a weapon

or some kind of operation 

& I started

RUNNING 

& I was surprised 

HOW FAST

I was younger physically, I'm pretty sure 

& I had the distinct impression that I was 

running through gunfire

I wasn't scared

& I'm not sure if I was trying to get to the road

BUT 

I woke up

& I don't remember where they fit in

but there was a 

BLUE

sculpture of a woman's head

GREEN

sculpture of a man

check in april 18th

it rained all day

BIG cold front

it's fifty six degrees

april is already summer here

so that's crazy

the front gave me a headache 

I'm gonna try to sleep now 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

better check in, maybe but the skincare team says they're killing it

SO

my question now is 

HOW 

do I deal with the 

STUFF 

without going off the deep end again

I MEAN 

I feel more solidly 

ME

& I EXPECT 

THAT

will help

BUT 

that part of my mind that always 

LIKE 

tries (sp?) to CONNECT the special interests

is all like 

psst --- it's not an empathy engine

stories based on mythic fairytale 

mission from g*d

CORRUPTION 

in the world

NARCISSISM 

religion 

weaving all the bits together 

this may or may not be clear enough to make sense 

it seems like a possible 

SOMETHING 

MAYBE 

maybe it's just me solving puzzles in my HEAD 

BUT 

I was contemplating 

HOW 

in case I could 

& I watched this video about language trends

& HOW it's CHANGING all the time 

ENGLISH was supposed to be dying 

it's the fastest growing language 

BECAUSE 

people all over the world want to watch 

english language videos

FRENCH 

second fastest language 

AFRICA 

& then ALSO in africa 

NIGERIAN pidgin

is growing 

FAST

because in nigeria they speak like five hundred languages 

SO

they're using nigerian pidgin

the way swahili is used regionally

& french --- in different regions 

BUT 

it's LIKE the MOST amazing 

SLANG 

& the rhythm

& the melodiousness

JARA

check in april 17th

I haven't listened to TK yet

I'm going to 

BUT 

I was in a mindset I'm trying to 

REINFORCE

& I can't 

enter into other mindsets while I do that

PROBABLY 

I will listen tomorrow 

BUT 

I did a thing I'm pretty excited about 

& even though you are unlikely to be super excited about it I want to share

ulta is having a sale 

it ends soon 

SO 

I was looking to see if anything I need

was on a good sale

& some things were

& I left something in my cart

& they sent me a 10% off coupon 

which surprisingly 

was usable on 

SALE items

& I have points

between the sale & the coupon & the points

I got months worth of skincare 

two hundred & sixty some dollars worth 

for eight dollars and eighty eight cents

I'm pretty impressed with that 

april 16th

I was thinking about 

those giant

BELT BUCKLES

that were

popular when I was a kid

& then I saw you

in some wrangler boot cut jeans

this elaborate toolwork belt

with the enormous 

BUCKLE 

your shirt

instead of being a western shirt 

was a kinda drapey

SILK

muscle shirt

& a straw hat --- like generic cowboy hat shape 

not spaghetti western flat

BUT 

it MIGHT 

have been 

trampled by something 

& then forced back into shape

& you are in that

james dean in giant

POSTURE 

that's either completely relaxed indifference

or arranged to show off attributes 

to elizabeth taylor 

I'm not sure WHY

goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much 

this came to me and I liked it thought I'd share, sleep now, goodnight sweetheart I LOVE you VERY much --- check in april 15th

It was like a backflip.  Graceful.  Arcing trustfall into the subconscious.  Sometimes the only way to know something was to feed it through the subconscious and let the dreams tell you.  Either that, or it was more complicated than that.

The bass line to Seven Nations Army boomed up through her body until it got caught up somewhere in the base of her skull.

check in april 14th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I mean, today was like springtime for h in the producers

they had to go all the way to

ARKANSAS?!

to find the

no tax on tips

photo op

DELIVERY driver 

& even she

was LIKE 

I don't have an opinion on 

men in women's sports 

I'm ONLY HERE for the

no tax on tips

I'm trying to go viral 

for the go fund me*

*she didn't say that go fund me part but she may as well have 

& WHAT

is that spikey head thing

in the "doctor" picture 

& MAYBE 

SPORTS 

are

just so much homoerotic to t*ump

secretary of state

at the fights 

with him

america

feelings

there's a feeling 

I'm feeling 

GREATFUL

but like somewhere 

BETWEEN 

thanks man

for always having my back

&

something else 

I'm finding 

HARD to

EXPRESS

romance / sports / mystery / brainteaser

LUCKY --- 

goodnight

I MEAN 

SO much random 

I was getting 

STUCK

on BAND AID commercial jingles

come Josephine in my flying machine 

NOW

I'm getting poker face

SO

WHAT does that mean 

I'm not being vulnerable enough?

THAT might NEED something 

I feel like I've been being 

vulnerable 

BUT 

I guess I didn't elaborate on 

all the ruminatory

& I think that was 

MORE because I didn't WANT to WRITE them

I'm not great at stopping 

is part of WHY

I run the 

fiddly fjords program

ya KNOW 

also though it's got the whole inner divinity thing

which KINDA reinforces

the sovereignty 

I'm always building the system

I guess

& the thing is 

I'm really 

NOT SURE 

how much of what I say actually makes sense

or I'm questioning and sensitive 

or something 

I'm not like being patronizing 

BUT 

SUDDENLY 

it seems like it could come off that way

OH

L-theanine