I went to dinner with my mom

On the one hand she looks really tired and her face is more wrinkly

On the other hand she doesn't have all these horrible bruises all over her arms her arms look great

Because since she's on it all plant-based diet she's getting more like vitamin k or whatever and they've cut down her Coumadin so she's not all blood thinned

And she seems like she is doing really good

She said she feels really good

She was supposed to go for a consultation about a procedure that her doctor wants to do for her defib

what she's had for years and she has a pacemaker

I can't remember now what the procedure is called but they go in and they shock the back of your heart and it doesn't seem strangely enough to be a very risky procedure it's like outpatient

Except of course that she's old and they have to give you sedation they don't use full on anesthesia but they do sedation

Her doctor told her it's the same stuff that Michael Jackson took to go to sleep like that's going to mean something to her it doesn't even mean something to me but I guess it does make clear that it's less anesthesia than sedation

anyway she was supposed to go for this consultation and she never called me to tell me what happened so I was asking her but she didn't go

Which I was not invested in her having weird procedures so I get it I wasn't following up because I wanted to make sure she was doing it I was following up because I wanted to know what was going on

So but she told the doctor that she was afraid and she wanted to wait and would it be possible to wait and he said yeah they could try the food thing for another 6 months

And I mean the doctor that put in the pacemaker and her previous doctor seemed to think she had defib she had a pacemaker everything was fine they weren't even really checking up on her at all

so that makes one wonder does that mean she didn't need to be checked up on that everything is fine or does that mean that they didn't give a s*** and we're pretty incompetent

This guy I don't know he started off seeing her every week and I think that's good because he was taking her off medication and doing all kind of stuff and that requires actual monitoring which for a while it sounded like he was not doing but now maybe he's doing it she said he puts all her information on a website that she can go and look at all her diagnosis and stuff and I had asked her last time if I could have that link so I could look at it and see hemmed and hawed and seemed like she did not want me to

Anyway it's freezing here well not technically technically it's 46 degrees but that is very very cold and I have a really bad headache because I think there's a front coming through or something and I have to go to work and I only got like 5 hours of sleep last night so I'm going to bed now

I love you very much ❤️

I'm sorry

I got really sad and didn't have anything to say

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart 💋

❤️

just so you know

I didn't pick it for song content

specific songs are not important

just time and place

and

quality of video

I'm not trying to tell you

something

I was just having a moment

hope that helps 

i love you sweetheart
i gotta go to bed
but i'm thinking of you
have fun with the rest of your night

i never snapped to the bowing thing
pretty cool

I dreamed

I had to start setting up beer displays

in my house

I don't want to do this, I said

no one is going to see them here

and I don't want to look at them

also

I had an odd painting arrangement

it was small, like 9"x12", paintings

organized into a large rectangle on the wall

3x4 of them I think

then

I was a commedian, I think

I was Asian, I think

my father was Asian

I think I was male

my father didn't think I was funny

and he was going to beat me with a golf club

he kept talking about the impact the golf club was going to have when it hits my bones

also there was something about a box

cutting away the sides of s box

while still maintaining the structure

not very happy dreams

But

I really want to see you

I'm gonna figure it out

I love you sweetheart

idk currently things look bad
i'm working on alternate income stream ideas

i should not have gone to dallas
dallas is a bad omen place
i'm never going there again

i had been wanting to go to colorado
and i had this trip all planned
then i realized
i could in no way afford it

and i should have realized how much less money i had than i thought
i tried to ask you if i should skip it
but you didn't understand

and other stuff

but
blah blah blah

last night

when I got into bed

I actually felt your lips

kissing me

the sensation on my mouth

I don't remember ever feeling that before

I've felt like I was holding you

I've felt various bodily sensations

but

I can't recall kissing

isn't that kinda strange?

but

I'm not complaining

it was amazing

more please

💋😁

💋

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

💋

talking heads is pz's fault

but I'm not mad at it

ooo I just saw this one

I know it'll be stuck in my head

i woke up with the worst headache i've had in months
but
somehow
and this is weird with a bad headache
i kinda felt good
so
i staggered around and drank my soy-milkcoffee
[it's like almost half soy milk now]

but, wait
i'm making it sound like i did all that before i peed
which isn't true
i alway pee first
sometimes i look at my phone before
sometimes i check my skin before
but
i never go make coffee before i pee

when i was a teenager i once slept 17 hours without getting up to pee
now
i very rarely sleep more than 5 hours without getting up to pee
wow
this got off track

when i went to pee
i realized
i'm starting my period

i had really thought there was a good chance that wasn't gonna happen again

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i fell asleep in the chair
and then i fell down a rabbit hole
(choline)
anyway

i've been using retinol
i've used it before
never, i think, in a particularly high concentration
but
the green beauty people made me think i should avoid it
but
i have aging and breakouts
which will not resolve
and retinol is a cure for both of them

so i'm back on the juice
5% retinol
and i'm trying to acclimate my skin to it
no rush, ya know
so i'm up to every four days
and i haven't really had any peeling, but
the breakouts did increase slightly
and i think i'm a little drier
but i think my skin type has never been dry or oily
i think it's always been (sort of normal/combination)

i don't have problems with "oily"-ness, but i do have pore issues
sebum plugs in my pores
which mostly present as blackheads
and little bumps
which i pick
my more recent hormonal issues have led to some cystic bumps
but not in large quantity
i always had small pores
but the aging thing makes em stretch out
which exacerbated the clogged pore thing
but
i feel like i've almost beat it


if i had a dollar for every time i've said that

but
i'm both ever optimistic about my experiments
and desperate to feel like i can control some aspect of this menopause crap
and plus like i sublimated my sexuality into skin care rituals  = )
but
i put these hydration elements on my skin
and follow with a beeswax based salve
and
now
i'm convinced that if i just had a morning cleanser that would remove
what has got to be softened sebum plugs
i will have the last piece of the puzzle

it's tricky though


and
it's made me think about the first time i tried skin care

i was in second grade
and i somehow got my hands on a pink jar of mary kay night something
which was weird because there was avon everywhere
i think deborah had friends that sold it
but no mary kay
yet here it was like magic
and
it was basically pink Vaseline
i doubt i washed my face before hand
maybe i did
and then i smeared a little bit of it all over my face
massaging it in
it felt
i don't remember
efficacious maybe

i woke up with three little whitehead pimples
the tiniest, least threatening, little pimples you could imagine
i scraped them off with my fingernail and moved on

this cream was apparently for "older women"

and
my whole life i've had to walk this line
of things being too heavy for me
or too stripping
i didn't have problems, exactly
but
i always liked milky moisturizing cleansers
and a very light moisturizer
or maybe just a serum

now
i'm slathering on the heavy occlusives
to keep the hydration in
because i've maybe always had a problem with dehydration

it's still good skin, though
and glow-y
today i put on makeup to cover the spots
and i thought
i don't think that looks nearly as good
maybe i could just find a concealer
i really don't want to cover it up


i love you sweetheart, sleep well

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much