And

I'm up

hopefully going back to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I don't even know how to reconstruct yesterday

I worked early

then tried to stay up

then slept

then got up

in the middle of the night

then decided

I had a headache and wasn't going

that's this morning

then passed out

and

apparently all this without ever saying

anything about going to sleep

dunno

so tired

might go back to bed in a few hours

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋💋

got my braces off in 1980, no, 1981

Again

Menopause thinks 3 hours of sleep is all you need

I went to sleep at what like 5:30 or something 6:00 6:30 I'm not sure but I woke up about 8:30 or 9:00 and I have been unable to go back to sleep

Course I can't quiet my brain either it's just thinking of all kind of stuff

Maybe I'll try a book tape again I don't know

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I fell asleep at about 5:30

woke up at 8:30

haven't been able to get back to sleep

just occurred to me

didn't say goodnight

apparently

3 hours is how long menopause thinks you need to sleep

can't tell you how many times this has happened

goodnight sweetheart I love you very 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Even I'm so tired

And even though I've taken a bunch of melatonin

I haven't been able to sleep at all

my shoes are mostly gone though

I kinda like it better like this

I also did laundry

and

I'm pretty proud of myself

but

I'm not sure I'm going tomorrow

I've got some stuff I want to do around here

and

I also need to get my back better

which today did not

and

if I do the stuff that I want to do

probably won't help it either

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I got up this morning My back hurt

A little more sharply

And I of course had got myself all set up to move a lot of stuff to the studio today with my mom but that was all going to be a lot of moving and strain on my back so I was like You know what let's not do it today

And since we've got another month now I thought you know maybe I would just go ahead and take the day off and rest my back

Also I had a headache

So I was all set to not do anything

But then a guy shows up and I thought he was maintenance but it turns out he's a painter or something but he wanted to look at the closet so up he goes and he looks at the closet

And he's like oh we need to clear this out right now and rip out all the sheetrock

Because you know it's growing mold it's terrible

Now I know it's terrible I've been trying to get the m************ to fix the stuff

But I guess the problem was they did fix it and there's just condensation still because it's hot and I don't know whatever but at any rate from when it was leaking or whatever there's mold bad mold

So I'm like okay well I can clear the closet out but it's not going to happen instantly

and he's like well you could just clear this side out and I can put a plastic sheet over the other side and I'm like why don't you just give me like an hour and a half

And then a guy showed up for maintenance and I'm like there was just a guy here from maintenance will turned out that wasn't a guy for maintenance he was a guy who was going to paint it or something I still don't really understand

Anyway I did not get my full hour and a half I think I only got an hour

But I got it all cleared out I basically just threw away pretty much everything

Well, not everything

but about 75% of it

now

my back really hurts

I'm suddenly exhausted 

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

What she thought was she noticed that I had gotten stuff down from a high location and she wanted to make sure that if I was going to be on a ladder again to do it when she was around because she didn't want me to fall and hurt myself

So that was nice

And we had a discussion about the mover guy and needing extra time and there's a bunch of furniture and stuff that she wants to sell and so although we may not schedule the mover guy for a whole month later we may schedule him for like a week or two later and then she can sit out front and wait for people to come by things or whatever I don't know

So that seems good

I really don't want to spend a whole another month but I really don't think we're going to be able to do this by the 8th

And she went to the meeting on Tuesday night and so she was telling me about what happened and they want to do a pop-up for one day for Christmas and it just sounds like a nightmare

I won't give you all the details but we talked about all the details

She's like I hate to miss a Christmas opportunity and I'm like well why don't you just send out emails to all of your customers and your Facebook friends and your Instagram whatever's and you know just set up a time at the studio and we'll just have a individual thing if it's all people that you know and it's vetted so it won't feel unsafe to be alone

So it was a very productive conversation or constructive or whatever whatever I said

I don't know about the more energy though I'm not feeling super energetic I have a headache but whatever I'm going to do some more I just wanted to give you an update

Okay

Today's affirmations

Today-- constructive conversation with Ann.

Today-- More Energy!

Today-- Magic!

When I woke up there was a text on my phone letting me know that my mother had gotten home, but instructing me to call her

Now when I saw this text it was like one something in the morning and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't go back to sleep so I'm up now but I couldn't text her at 1:00 something in the morning

And she could want to talk to me about literally anything because although she knows that I would rather text and hate talking on the phone she might want to tell me about the open studio meeting which was either Monday or Tuesday night

She could want to talk to me about where something is that was in the area that I cleaned packed whatever

She could want to be asking me to take the trash can down to the curb when I come in this morning or she could have looked in the trash can and seen that there are no bags of trash and made the realization that I could not have cleaned to big areas without amassing any trash at all, although she did whatever she did last week without a massing any trash at all, except for whatever shredded trash she had which she puts those in the chute on the way in to her apartment

Or she could be wanting to talk to me about when I think we can schedule the movers to come in and how much of an extension she should ask for from the guy that bought the house and stuff like that

Possibly the studio meeting was last night though so probably that's what she'll want to talk to me about

We do need to have a talk about the mover though because the first week of August he's only available like Monday and Tuesday and she's got the house until the 8th, I think, which is I think the following Monday so if he's available that day we could probably have that be the moving day although that's pushing it it was not helpful that I was out for that whole week pretty much with my hip

If I had realized the actual situation from the beginning I think we could have long been done with this, but she wasn't honest and that shouldn't surprise me but it does or did or it came as a surprise somehow

If I had realized that my real assignment was I had to do all of it while somehow magically making it look like I wasn't throwing anything away and getting rid of like 2/3 of the stuff I think my brain would have exploded I don't think I could have handled that information back in April

You may have noticed that I called her Ann up top

In real life I don't actually call her anything because she will only answer to Mommy which is what I called her when I was little but haven't been able to bring myself to call her in public anyway for a very very long time so I just talked to her and don't call her anything I can't remember the last time I called her anything when I talk to other people about her I call her my mom

But I had to call Deborah mother so Ian won't answer to anything except Mommy

And since I'm not actually calling her what I call her I may as well call her by her actual name

Plus it graphically represents the new alienation I feel from her

And I think I've been calling my father my father or Bobby instead of daddy which is what I called him

Anyway I just spent like 30 minutes doing that so I need to kick it into gear now I'm going to have some coffee

My head hurts though That's not good I already took two Tylenol when I woke up at like midnight

My plan is to try to break my 5-hour record

Generally by the time I work 5 hours I'm so exhausted I'm lucky if I can stay awake for a few hours which is why the two shift thing was seeming like such a good idea

But that was when she was leaving at like 5:30 so I could get in there and work like 6:00 to 10:00 and get home and still have time to sleep to get up and go again but now she's going really late and she's staying until you know 8:30 or something and it doesn't make any sense for me to sleep and then get up and then drive 30 minutes over there to work like you know an hour an hour and a half and then 30 minutes back and then barely have time to sleep to get up and do it again it's just not just doesn't make any sense aside from the working there at night giving me the heebiejeebies

So I really need to be able to work longer shifts and that just hasn't been possible

So today I'm going to try to go long

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

On the standpoint of more joy

I ordered a Blaze Pizza

I got a pesto pizza

With mushrooms

Jalapenos

Red onion

Roasted garlic

For cheese I got mozzarella and Parmesan

I got a drizzle of ranch

And they had smoked applewood bacon

And I was telling myself

Get the bacon

And I'm like you don't really eat bacon

And I'm like well you don't not bacon

I mean when you weren't eating meat you weren't eating bacon

And traditionally you tried to avoid pork

But lately you seem to really like carnitas

And the other day you ordered a ham and cheese sandwich not just a cheese sandwich

So apparently your full-on pork

Think about little crumbly bits of bacon

Smoked applewood bacon

And I'm like yeah but it probably won't be little crumbly bits it'll probably be like big weird greasy pieces of bacon

And I'm like no it won't

So I gave in and I got the smoked apple with bacon and it's little crumbly bits and oh my god that combination of toppings is really really good

I stopped getting tomato sauce on my pizza years ago

I only ever get pesto anymore

This is really thin crust except for the edge so it's like hand tossed I guess

And when I looked at it I thought it was burnt

It was a lot of carbon on it but it was good

I'm sick of bran muffins

Today's affirmations

Or whatever you want to call them

Today more joy!

Today will surprise and delight me!

I'm moving kind of slow this morning

My back is fairly localized in my lower back and I would characterize it as extremely sore as opposed to pain

Anyway

Not all that enthusiastic

So I went to bed about 1:15

And I was going to sleep until about 6:30

And then I was going to go tonight and work for a few hours

I wasn't sure I was going to do that I was just going to see how I feel

Cuz I don't want to overdo it and f*** my hip up again

It's to the point where it still hurts after I've worked and to some degree even before I've done anything with it

Although it definitely hurts more after

But whereas before the whole area was inflamed and it didn't feel stable like it felt like something was going to give out or start spasming or something to where I would be unable to function

Now it just hurts

And that's a lot better because when you've got a body part that you're not sure whether or not it'll function whether or not it'll hold whether or not it'll whatever it's a very

I want to say stressful but that isn't quite the right word I mean it is stressful but it's

I'm sure you've had experience with body parts you know a knee that you're not sure will hold your weight or whatever it's not like you know a life or death thing but it's a and it's not maybe even the worst pain you've ever had but it's just like I need to not push this because you know whatever I'm rambling at this point

It's definitely better but I told myself that I didn't have to go tonight if I didn't want to and I I don't want to My hip hurts and my head hurts and I do good as much sleep cuz I had planned to so I'm going to go to sleep now and my plan is to get up at like 4:00 and go but if I wake up in the middle of the night and I can't sleep or something I might go earlier we'll just see

I feel a lot of pressure to get this done

And you know times are running out

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm awake

But I'm going back to sleep

Hopefully

I love you very much sweetheart

I'm going to bed

I got up super early well okay not super early I got up at 4ish and went to my mom's

More like 6:30 to 10:30 and then my hip was really hurting so I stopped I only got like nine bags of trash well eight bags of trash and a big pile of loose stuff

And have been asleep like me I guess I've been up for almost an hour but I was asleep for 3 hours

And I was thinking about when she text me and said she was home going and working for a couple hours but that house kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies in the dark

And I'm just not feeling it today so I guess I will try to get up earlier and go

Historically I have not been able to do it for more than about 5 hours

Which is why working two shifts was working better for me

And maybe I will do it again but I just don't think I'm up for that tonight

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I was out of commission today too

remembered Solomon's seal root tincture

and emergen-C

have decided ibuprofen is best for body pain

not Tylenol

need to be in bed already

but slept extra

so

not sleepy

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I pretty much spent today

With the massager

And the Thai kickboxer deep heat

And stretching

Because it was hurting really bad

I did not go to my mom's house

I got the car back

I'm fixing to go to bed now and get up really early and go to her house in the morning and then hopefully I can work before she gets there cuz I just cannot work with her right now

I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

On the way here there was a dead possum in the road and there were three black vultures waiting to try to eat it they were really pretty I'm never seen vultures in the city before and then when we were pulling in there was a black butterfly and I just saw a black dragonfly with red eyes

So I don't know what that whole message is

None of it seems ominous though

Well I'm here working with her today

And she gave me some s*** about throwing something away that I had a discussion with her beforehand about throwing away

So she doesn't even remember which thing she's approved throwing away

And I was telling her I think we should keep this it's like an elfa type metal drawer unit thing I was telling her I think we should keep it because we can fit more art supplies into that in a smaller footprint than in the other way and we were having some discussion about it and then she ended by saying well we'll do whatever you want to do cuz you're in charge

And I'm like I'm in charge huh

And she's like except if throwing things away I'm absolutely in charge of what we're allowed to throw away

So I don't know how you're supposed to empty a hoarder house full of crap without throwing anything away

And I was making owing noises when I was getting up and down from the I'm sitting on kind of a hard stool and it's it's hurting my hip my hip has had almost I thought almost gotten back to normal after all the weird double shift working last week

But apparently all it takes is sitting on a really hard wooden stool that's probably not exactly the right height for you to be sitting on to really jack it up

So I was saying ow and she's like what's wrong and I'm like oh no my hip just hurts whenever I get up or sit down because it's all jacked up

And she came in and like gave me a weird smile

And it reminded me of when I was a teenager and she used to just come into the bathroom and look at me say she was doing tattoo checks I wasn't allowed to lock the door and she could come in anytime she wanted cuz I guess I wasn't allowed to have any privacy

And so she came in and gave me a weird smile for being in pain I was just like what

And she went away and then like 45 minutes later I asked her if she had any kind of painkiller and she did in fact have some arthritis strength Tylenol so I took one of those cuz I already took two Tylenol earlier and I don't want to shut down my liver or anything

And she's like what's wrong with you

I'm like my hip is all messed up

And she's like why and I'm like from when I was working last week

And she's like did you fall or something

And I'm like no

See she's sitting in a chair she finds comfortable and shredding things which involves sticking them into a shredder that's at pretty much the right height for her to just stick them in without bending or anything

But everything here involves spending or standing or something

and you know I might have f***** it up Jimmy and myself in and out of the closet that doesn't open very wide with bags of trash I don't know

But you know I don't have good hips they get jacked up pretty regularly I don't know why it's a big surprise

But I was like no I didn't follow anything they're just jacked up

She's like well I'm not trying to invade your privacy or anything I'm just trying to take care of my precious daughter

I just wish I mean when she said stuff like that before it sounded fake to me

But now I don't believe I don't even believe that she sees me as a human being so it seems doubly fake

I mean even if she wasn't my mother even if she was just my boss or something and I was talking about house completely stressed out I was at all the stuff that needed to be done it would not have been the correct approach to say oh you're upsetting me with your upsettedness so if you're going to keep talking I'm going to set the phone down and walk away and not listen to anything you have to say

But that just seemed like the correct thing to say and we've never had any further conversation about it not like hey are you okay not like hair you any less stressed not like hey I'm sorry I just got really overwhelmed and that wasn't right I should have listened to what you had to say nothing just nothing

So she's got the absolute authority on what gets thrown away I don't know how she even thinks that works would work

I don't understand how she thinks she can have no storage and throw nothing away and have any room to walk in the apartment

But I hope I become one of those little b****** and she won't ever speak to me again because that would be my dream

I would rather never speak to her again and have to go back in that house and do anything else right now

I don't see how this is closure for me I don't see how this is a good closure good psychological thing for me to be like oh yeah my mother never really saw me as a person at all

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

car still not ready

so I'm going in with my mom tomorrow

I don't want to

but

I gotta get stuff done

even if I can't gather trash

I can pack

I'm 18 bags of trash behind

I'm watching "the offer"

it's really good

highly recommend 

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

A/C was broken

I had to go to hotel

Extended Stay America

while I was supposed to be conserving power

I just left the A/C on the 62 degrees it was set on when I came in

so if the power went out it had a good ways to go before it was as hot as it was back home

the car wouldn't eat

I slept pretty much slept the whole time

I had been working and sleeping 5 hours or so and then going back

while my mom wasn't there

in the morning or overnight

in the last week I have gotten approximately 55 tall kitchen bags, 10 boxes, and a bunch of random shelves and big stuff

so like a dumpster full of stuff in the last week

without her knowing

like it's at least half from the hoarder prepper closet

which, if she looks in it, she will know

I've emptied some shelves

couldn't reach the top corner

I had to Uber to the hotel

car wouldn't back up

worked fine today, though

it's in the shop

she doesn't want to get a storage

she wants it to "be done"

but

she doesn't want to get rid of anything

I had a very unpleasant conversation with her

about how stressed I was about everything I had to do

and she was like

stop it

you're upsetting me

if this is helping you

I'll just put the phone down and let you go on talking

so she's gonna get her wish

no storage

all done

but

shit is getting thrown away

and I'm working when she's not there

she will not beat me

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm working some weird hours

trying to work without her there

I'm super mad at her

and

she is trying to impede me 

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋