Sunday, August 29, 2021
Saturday, August 28, 2021
Thursday, August 26, 2021
Wednesday, August 25, 2021
Tuesday, August 24, 2021
working title: each frame has its own reality / 4
The ice bath had a magnetic repulsion force.
"Hold still," said the face pouring icy water over her with a long empty plastic ragu jar.
She did not hold still. She shivered and flopped around.
"Hold still!"
"Yeah, give the girl a break, she's trying to bring your fever down," the man in the suit smiled down at her from above.
"How are you floating above me now?" she asked confused.
"What are you talking about," asked the face "I'm the opposite of floating, I'm trying to weigh you down."
"I'm not floating, I'm a holographic projection, but only you can see me, so try to be a little more low key will you."
"What do you want?"
"I want you to hold still," wailed the face.
"I want to go over the agent files with you and discuss the next phase, but what I seem to be doing is some sort of psych op. When do you think you'll have it pulled together enough to continue?"
"What are you talking about?!"
"You are running a really high fever. I'm trying to get your body temperature down."
"Better let her do that, huh," smiled the floating man in the suit before winking out of existence.
Monday, August 23, 2021
working title: each frame has its own reality / 3
"For now let's not worry about who I am, please, finish your story."
"What makes you think I wasn't finished?"
"You set up a dichotomy at the beginning."
"Yeah, fair enough," she mused "new school, old school."
"Please continue..."
"Ok. So we moved from an apartment to a rental house and that meant changing schools mid-semester. The "new school" was an older building without the multi-use rooms or anything interactive, old and boring and like standard nothing nice, but the school yard was amazing. At that school, I lived to be outside with the old trees, the playground, the view of the decorative candy store window changing displays across the street."
"They dropped me off in one of the rooms after asking the teacher briefly if she had room for one more and then she promptly seemed to forget all about me. Apparently the other students had some sort of reading plans, I never got one, and though I can't imagine who else she thought was going to give me one, she was surprised. Maybe she thought they had moved me from another room rather than another school. Finally she decided that it was too far into the year to be bothering with that and I should just read whatever I wanted to read, but all that was available was a bunch of old fun with dick and jane books. I didn't really know how to read yet, not really, or I didn't think so, but I did manage to learn to read the fun with dick and jane books. 1973."
"The one bit of instruction that I do remember getting from the teacher was a bit of her life philosophy which she thought she would give us to live our lives by. It was called ME-3. This, she had said, was a guideline that we should use to make any and all decisions throughout our lives. 1 - God. 2 - Family. 3 - Me. That should be our order of priority."
"So as a child then, how do you make decisions where God is your top priority?"
"Man, I have no idea, but ME-3 is a catchy name for a life philosophy."
Sunday, August 22, 2021
working title: each frame has its own reality / 2
"What are you doing out of bed?" the face seemed surprised.
"You told me to get up and make my own soup..." she trailed off in confusion.
"Ok, well, that makes no sense at all," she said reaching up to feel her forehead "is it possible you're delirious?"
Thinking about the man in the window "yes, I'd say it's completely possible."
The face dragged her back to bed.
The bed resumed its gravitational force. She looked at the topography of the ceiling. Was that right? Or was it like the tile in the kitchen? She wasn't sure. Not sure, she mused, uncertainty principle, alternative facts, divergent consensus realities.
"When I was in the first grade", she said to no one, she was alone in the room, "I went to a very new school for a few months, but by the end of the first semester I was at a different much older school. The new school didn't have any plants or landscaping yet so whenever we were outside we would sit on our tin lunch boxes vaguely huddled together and long for the inside. The school was pretty progressive for public elementary, so once we were inside we moved rooms in a big open area rotating between whatever the subjects were. I don't really remember what they called them. I remember there were three teachers and three areas. One would make us do the go you chicken fat exercise, and then have us sit in a circle for lessons. I don't remember the lessons. I remember she had long blonde hair that she twisted around several fingers in some sort of perpetual nervous weaving tick that left me mesmerized, infected, bound to replicate it once I had left the school."
"The other teachers I have no recollection of them, but I do remember math class. Math class was in the right back quadrant of the room. It was new math, all number lines and greater than and less that. I particularly liked that part. The visual aids were alligators. I remember my mother coming to some open house event, asking about the alligators. Math is my favorite subject, I had said, I will tell you about the alligators."
"If an alligator is going to eat people, he would rather eat more people so the shape of his open mouth, see, is the shape of greater than, see, eat more people! My mother, with her math degree, was completely flummoxed."
"After all the excitement of the group learning room, and I'm sure there was lunch somewhere in there, there were separate rooms we went to for homeroom. In homeroom we put our heads down and were quiet, and the lights were out. At least that was what happened on the day I can remember."
"We had raggedy-ann and andy dolls as passes for the restroom. If the doll was there you could take it and go, but if it wasn't there you had to wait. This particular day, I had to go. The doll was gone. I waited, and waited, and waited until I couldn't wait any more. Then I went up to the teacher and explained that I had to go. She indicated that I had to wait. I indicated that I had been waiting and I had to go. But apparently not as desperately as I was supposed to-- I was later told. You have to wait. Ok. I went back to my seat. I waited. Then, I didn't wait. Some of the urine absorbed into my clothes and some of it ran down onto the dark dense short carpet and disappeared. Well that worked out fine I thought and nodded off in relief."
"Subsequently the teacher discovered that one of the girls had taken the doll back to her seat, or left it in the restroom, or something, but at any rate I was now cleared to go. Don't need to anymore, I answered without any emotion whatsoever."
"And did you not feel embarrassed?" the man in the suit asked.
"No. It never occurred to me to feel embarrassed."
"Really?!" he asked, the total disbelief showing on his face.
"The teacher must have thought I would be embarrassed too, she asked me if I wanted her to call my mother to bring me some clean clothes. Then I got a little scared. No please don't call her I said. I could not imagine the screaming that would come from being called to the school, bothered in her day that my step-mother would have unleashed upon me. Besides, my clothes were basically dry by then, what was the big deal. Perhaps I reeked, but I had no awareness of it."
"Did you not have a sense that big girls don't pee their pants?" he was taking notes in a small notebook.
"Well, sure, but I was doing what I was told. I was used to rules being rather arbitrary, non-sensical, and detrimental to me, so it didn't seem worthy of note, really. Then, I had a problem, and I delt with it in a covert non-problem-causing way, as far as I was concerned. It never occurred to me that the carpet might need special cleaning, or that there might be any additional consequences. The carpet under the desk looked fine, my clothes were not visibly wet. I'm pretty sure none of the other kids were aware. As far as I was concerned it was a non-issue."
"Fascinating."
"Glad you think so," she answered flatly "now who are you exactly?"
Just then the face popped in the door, "who are you talking to?"
"This guy," she said "right here, I don't know who he is."
"I think you really must be delirious. Hang tight, I'll be back to take your temperature."
Saturday, August 21, 2021
working title: each frame has it's own reality
The bed seemed to have a gravitational force. She stared at the ceiling. Escape velocity, she mused.
A face peeked in the door. "Can i get you anything?"
"Oh, if you could heat me up a can of soup", she couldn't quite finish the thought.
"Sure thing," and the face disappeared.
She nodded off. She woke up. She stared at the ceiling. Drifting, she mused.
The face reappeared. "You're going to have to come make it yourself, I'm too busy." Gone again.
Maybe it was the force of the injustice of it that gave her the strength, "it is not as if I rang some bell and demanded service" she muttered loudly, shuffling her way to the kitchen.
The face, now with it's back to her, was a contained cascade of curling dark hair. She shrugged and found some tetra pack soup so she wouldn't have to fail the can opener test, heated the soup to just above tepid, poured it in a mug, and gulped it down as quickly as she could. Still upright, she mused with pride, just as the face whipped past her in a frenzy of activity she couldn't process almost knocking her down. "I gotta get out of here," she thought, and then reflexively "do you need my help with anything?"
"Oh, that would be amazing. See those sticks of butter on the counter? Please cut them all into butter pats and put them into those bowls of ice water."
She blinked in disbelief. I'm visibly barely able to stand and I'm probably contagious I can't believe she took me up on that offer. See what being polite gets you. Or else the situation is pretty dire. Butter, she mused. This must be some sort of special butter because it was big. Maybe it was a compound butter remolded or maybe it was made from scratch to begin with, either way she was not asking questions.
She started cutting the butter into quarter inch thick pats and putting it into ice water baths. There was really not enough counter space for this kind of prep work. Catering, she mused. And speaking of the counter situation, these were weird counters. They were tile. With grout. And they were aqua-teal green. Just like the house she'd lived in when she was eleven. She turned slowly to look at things. The weird cabinets hanging from the ceiling, no wall behind them, blocking the sink area from the breakfast nook crowded by the window air conditioner. Huh. Her eyes ran from the end of the cabinet, partially open and containing file folders of some sort, to the open window over the sink.
A man in a suit was standing outside face in the window. "Do you have the agent's files ready?" he asked, somewhat impatiently she thought.
Wait,
what?!
Thursday, August 19, 2021
And I'm up super late again
So tonight I'm listening to something else again
I'm listening to Amrita by banana yoshimoto
I'm not sure why I just have heard a lot of people say that her writing is very beautiful
And the memory police was kind of both more and less than what I was really wanting
And although infinite just was good
And I was enjoying it
That isn't really what I want to be reading right now
I really wanted Japanese literature
And this promise to have kind of a mystery in it so although it isn't a mystery novel I thought I'd give it a try
I've noticed lately that I have these locations in my head from my childhood
I went to this elementary school I went to one elementary school for kindergarten and I went to two elementary schools for first grade but then I went to the same elementary school for 2nd through 4th
And at the school
I guess kindergarten first and second were kind of in one wing and third fourth and fifth were another wing
And there was this one place where the wing were third fourth and fifth joined up with the like the main hallway where the lunch room and the office and all that stuff were You went out one door and then across a little covered but not enclosed I don't know like I don't know exactly what to call it vestibule was the word that comes to mind but that isn't quite right I keep seeing that area like where I'm walking out of one part of the school before I walk into the other part of the school and I can't recall anything particularly remarkable happening there but I've noticed that I keep seeing that area
And I was seeing it a while back whenever I would be reading about skin care on what's the name of that site oh it doesn't matter
But I haven't been on that site
And that was a site for Korean skincare now I'm reading Japanese books there's not really any connection between those things and there's not really any connection between this particular part of the school and either one of those things so I don't understand why I keep seeing it
I've also been seeing the bathroom at the school where I went for a ninth grade it was a kind of a little rich girl Catholic school where I felt very out of place but for some reason I really liked the bathroom I guess or felt some sort of affinity for it somehow it's really dark
And I've been wanting to write this week
And I have some concepts
And I was so excited about the room with the hallucinogenic plants and the bees and the floating and whatnot because somehow I thought that was going to be the center of a short story when I was kind of coming out of sleep it seemed very clearly like that was integral to a story
But then when I got all the way awake and I was telling you about it I'm like how is that a story
But one of my concepts was the air being like thick like a jello mold or whatever you call that French thing that is essentially a jello mold but with meat but more like those jello salads that they had at the cafeteria that they look so colorful and like they'd be delicious but they're gross but not that the air is gross so even that's kind of hazy but the idea of waking up and trying to judge the thickness of the air and then going into the bathroom and I like the sunlight
Like a lot of apartment bathrooms the window has been sprayed with something so that it's not see-through but when the light comes through it very brightly it's filtered in this great way and I sit there and I close my eyes and I feel the sun but it's like removed and removed you know and I love that
And I have this idea about
It's a kind of a compartmentalization of experience like every moment is a frame and that frame is a room it's a different state of consciousness and that sounds crazy but that's kind of how I experience things
Well that's one of the ways That's when I'm in the moment which is the pleasant experience
And then there's the part where at all ties together which is the anxiety and the need for things to be something or add up to something which is distressing it's just distressing it's
Not like you know if you've got a plan and you're going to do something that's not quite the same thing but the idea that there are things that are going to happen and they're not going to be completely within your control and everything moving along there's something about that continual motion through time that's unpleasant
And I've just kind of come to the realization when I decided I was writing the story that somehow that's important and important aspect of my experience
But then I always have these sort of dream places that I go and fantasy places that are not actually in dreams but they're like daydreaming places
and I guess there are things where I'm doing and I experience flow and I'm not experiencing myself as a not experiencing myself at all I guess I'm experiencing the thing that I'm doing and that's not the same thing but if I'm not doing something where I'm doing it and not having an experience of myself then I'm either in one of those states or I'm having anxiety
That's what I'm thinking is that true probably it's not completely true but it's somewhat true and it's a fairly new realization
So I guess I'm kind of wanting to construct this story around the idea that there are places dream places and not quite real places surreal or fantasy magic realism places
But the first thought about the story was the idea hadn't quite derived around these squares yet it was about the thickness of the air and moments in which it wasn't that gelatinous texture moments when it was light and free movementy and then I was in that dream room and I was floating but it wasn't like thick like I was floating in water it was light
So I guess that I thought that that somehow tied in with my story and I got very excited
This isn't really the way I've written stories before largely when I've written stories before what I've said is you know what are you trying to say and then I kind of build a metaphor around what I'm trying to say so that I'm telling a story but I'm also telling a story and I thought that was fairly successful although I realized that I have a tendency to end them in a way that a lot of people would think was open-ended and not complete but they seemed complete to me
And then I have continually running this idea of shamanism
But I have to kind of morph it into something else
Or else it's inappropriate and appropriationy
And I'm wanting it to be a mystery
I had this idea
It was a novel though but it was an idea
The main character was living in Chicago
Channel these places she went and things that she did but it all kept coming back around to something that didn't make sense to her
She would get these little bits of kind of psychic information that she couldn't identify couldn't understand
And then one day she's in this bar or whatever and she's talking to someone and they mention Everett Reuss
And she goes in somehow discovers the secret the mystery of what happened to Everett Reuss
But I had a lot of problems
I wasn't sure how it was going to work out
But that was my idea
In general I don't think it was as good of an idea as the one about the spirit guides
Anyway I feel like I felt you several times tonight
Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
Tuesday, August 17, 2021
Well so again I'm up all night and I just have no idea what to listen to next
I want something gum shoe but I wanted to be written by a woman and I want it to be weird I just don't have anything that fits that description and I listen to a sample of amnesia moon and I don't think that's don't really think that's what I want to listen to next
I have a lot of books in my library and I looked all through them and I just am like eh
I don't know
Just probably part of the reason why I have such a hard time cuz I just look at stuff and I'm like I don't want that
And I could listen to electric sheep again
But I think I want something different
So rather than doing what I've just done which is spend hours looking for the list think what I'm going to do is just kind of bring it up on my phone and make a reasonably quick decision without a lot of thought about what kind of comes up soon
Without my having to look through 15 pages of stuff
I have 15 pages of really good stuff I was looking through it going wow this is really good stuff some of it I remember putting in there and some of it I don't and some of it I've tried to listen to before and didn't get all the way through
I just I want a particular kind of thing and it doesn't have to be gumshoe but I'd rather it's gumshoe but then I also want it to be weird and something to do with dreams and
So we'll see I give myself
Starting now 10 minutes
Monday, August 16, 2021
I finished gun with occasional music
I believe that was his first novel
And certainly at the beginning it did have the feeling of a first novel
But that's perhaps not fair because those gum shoe novels they always kind of start off a little stilted until they can kind of get rolling so I don't know hard to say what was which
And even if a few hours in I was like I don't know I don't know if I'm going to finish this or not part of the reason why I have not been reading a lot is my attention span has gotten just wretched
I can remember when I was in college every time I was studying for midterms or finals so twice a year I had to have a book that I really really wanted to read that I would kind of let myself read to decompress from studying and have never been a fast reader but I used to read a lot
But for the last some many years I'll go long periods of time I mean I read articles
But I have a hard time getting into things so even if I'm listening to him I'm like no I don't know if I could do it
So like I'll go through a spell where I find an author that I find enjoyable to read and I'll read some books and if they're if they're you know a mystery or something that's fairly fast and low intensity I might read a whole string of them but I don't just love to read any random mystery you know or any random science fiction or any random anything I'm real particular and like the sookie stackhouse books those were not well written books but but I liked the characters and you know they were just kind of fun but I tried reading some of her other series's and the only other one I could read was midnight Texas she's got several other serieses but you know they're not great books so if they don't have something that particularly grabs me there's no reason to read them
And I'm not sure if I really consider that reading anyway I mean it is technically reading but it's more like watching TV
So to have read like five books in the span of two or three weeks is you know not something I've never done before obviously but it's something that I haven't done for a while
Now those were mostly pretty short books except for killing commenatore
But now I'm trying to figure out what to read next I mean I've got those two actual books to read from going to keep with the audiobooks as well
And I'm of several minds
I mean I could stick with the first novel idea and I could read wind and pinball by murakami which I've never read before
And then I could go back and read while sheep chase again which I really like and which is kind of a mystery kind of and then I could read dance dance which I've never read although I sort of think I've tried listening to it before and couldn't get very far so I could do that but I don't know unless enthusiastic about that travel path I wouldn't mind to read about cheap chase again but I don't know
Then another thing I'm thinking about is reading do Android's dream of electric sheep again because all that stuff about their personal mixtures of drug to adjust their mood and everything reminded me a lot of electric sheep and that sort of a science fiction so it's got some common ground with with gun with occasional music but I've read do Android stream of electric sheep like I don't know three times four times but it's been I don't know probably eight or 10 years since the last time I read it maybe not but possibly
And I love Philip k Dick so if I'm reading influences then that makes sense
and possibly I could go from that to hard boiled wonderland and the end of the world which I started but never finished
Or I could read amnesia moon by Jonathan Lethem which I think is his second novel and then there's she climbed across the table and girl in landscape which I think are the third and fourth but maybe they're the fourth and fifth or maybe I've got them switched in order order
I don't think I want to read that many Jonathan Lethem books in a row though
Because I'm trying to get a kind of a slurry going in my brain I want to put in too much of one thing
In addition to those I have also in my library the Pharaoh detective which is a mystery that I have not read I've started it but I kind of couldn't get into it and motherless Brooklyn which I read but it's been a while ago but I thought it was really well written I mean like if you just gave me gun with occasional music and motherless Brooklyn and they didn't have the author's name on them I'm not believe I would identify them as being the same writer
And that makes me think that rather than reading some of these earlier books I might rather look at some of his more recent books but I don't have those in my library so I'd have to get them which of course I can have two credits but I have all this stuff in my library that I've wanted to read and have been able to make myself read I mean I think amnesia moon and growing landscape I got in 2020 when I thought maybe I could get myself to read but I couldn't focus at all in 2020 I don't think I read anything in 2020 I think I read anything at all even though I wasn't really doing anything maybe I'm wrong maybe I'm misremembering but I don't think I did I started a bunch of stuff I don't think I finished any of it
Electric sheep is narrated by Scott brick he's pretty good so that's appealing
So I've just been sitting here for some extended period of time like I don't know possibly an hour not seeing anything but looking at my list so I think I should probably go ahead and publish this and then continue
I'm listening to gun with occasional music which I know at some point in the past I told you I was reading but I didn't read it all the way through last time in fact I think I just listened to a very little bit of it last time and although I really do love a good gumshoe I'm not 100% sure I'm going to make it through the rest of this
I really want more Japanese fiction
And I have a few more things to listen to but I'm not sure they're what I want to listen to
What I really want to listen to is a mystery
But with that Japanese sensibility
And there are some Japanese mysteries that I've found but they don't seem at all like that
Anyway I have a couple of short story collections coming tomorrow sometime
One is a collection that jay Rubin put together He's the guy that translated markamy's books really murakami thank you
And then the other one is that low desert gangster short stories
Because it occurs to me where it did occur to me that I used to be able to write short stories I used to think I was good at that and then somehow I decided that what I really needed to do was write a novel and I just found that to be very frustrating at every single turn
Those are like actual book books though not audiobooks
And I really need to get new glasses
But I just haven't done that yet
But I thought maybe
Reading some some short stories would be a good idea
And that shouldn't be long enough to cause me too much eye strain anyway
Assuming that reading little print is more detrimental than screen time
I need to be asleep
I assume I'm going to the studio tomorrow
Unless it wants to storm again
Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
Saturday, August 14, 2021
Well there was no magical realism in that either
I feel like they build the Japanese stories as being magical realism because that's what people want and they think that'll sell the book
And there is an element
But if you don't really know what magical realism is then perhaps you think oh that's magical realism
I got to say
Nothing happens
Beautifully
Highly recommend
Thursday, August 12, 2021
Wednesday, August 11, 2021
Tell me to bed last night
And I didn't take any melatonin before I went to bed which I have been doing every night
So I went to sleep at like 10:00 I think it was 10:00 but maybe it was his latest 11:00 but I think it was 10:00 and then I woke up at 1:30 in the morning I guess because I had to pee and I could not go back to sleep
That's not true I did go back to sleep but I didn't go back to sleep until 7:30 in the morning
I've listened to the entire book of strange weather in Tokyo which I really really enjoyed except the ending I wasn't crazy about the ending but that is seeming to be a fairly common thing for me recently
And it wasn't that I don't think it was a good ending actually it just wasn't what I was hoping for
So then I went to sleep at 7:30 and then my alarm went off at 8:30 and I had a little bit of a headache so I think that was the point at which I took Tylenol but I'm not sure
And then I woke up at 9:30 because I had a leg cramp and at that point I felt like total s*** I don't know it's like you know how when you wake up suddenly and you've got that sense that you're late or whatever and you've got that acidity stomach and your head kind of hurts and just feel really bad
So then I texted my mom and told her I had done that thing again where I went to sleep and woke up and couldn't get back to sleep oh I forgot when I woke up at 1:30 and I couldn't go back to sleep after I decided that I was having trouble going back to sleep so it was 2:00 or 2:30 I went downstairs and fed the cat again cuz he usually eats in the middle of the night and he was sleeping in the window in the kitchen but it's so hot that I haven't been encouraging him to sleep on me
Because I have to put the big blanket on so that he doesn't stick his claws into me and it's just too hot for that but after I came down and fed him he guess he was feeling extra affectionate so he came up and got on me and I petted him and then he's like okay well it's hot see you later and he ran off again
But that didn't help me go to sleep either and at that point I took melatonin and perhaps that's why then later I felt s***** because once I went to sleep then my body didn't want to get up
I think the melatonin has actually been helping me to stay asleep even though I'm not having any trouble going to sleep I'm having trouble now staying asleep
I haven't had these kind of sleeping problems since I was a kid
And that was more about my brain being over the active
I had the stream that I had a bunch of different cars and they were in a multi-layer parking garage and I had a hard time finding them
Like it wasn't clear to me whether I had a bunch of cars because I had not been able to find my car and I got another one or why exactly I had a bunch of cars
But I had been thinking before I went to sleep that I should write about traveling across country bunches of times but that it would be better if it wasn't really based on my experience in several different ways One of which I thought it would be better if I had a car that was my car that I drove across the country rather than it always being a rental car
And I was trying to figure out what kind of car it was and I thought perhaps it was maybe not even one kind of car but maybe it was kind of a Frankenstein car made from different sort of car bits so that it looked very unusual but it was yellow and had a sigil painted on it on the hood based on the sigil I designed years ago for like a logo I thought I might use
I didn't finish 1q84
I don't know why sometimes I start books and I just don't want to read them
I was really interested in it
Just not really what I want to read right now I guess
I was a little disappointed that the strange weather in Tokyo didn't really seem to contain any magical realism at all though I feel as though I was promised a magical realism
But now I'm about to read
The Nakano thrift shop
Which is also by hiromi kawakami
And I'm kind of excited about reading it
Or listening to it really
I hope you're doing okay
I love you very much sweetheart 💋
Tuesday, August 10, 2021
I don't really have anything to say today
I feel vaguely sick
I had hurts
I'm having cramping
But no blood
I stayed in bed until after 3:00
And to be honest with you I'm kind of sorry I got up
Because I just do not feel right
No I'm not saying I'm sick
I don't exactly feel sick
But I feel kind of sick
And even though I haven't been up for very long
And haven't really done anything
I'm exhausted
And I'm going back to bed
I'm pretty sure I drink coffee earlier
I guess I could be low on iron again or maybe I never really got unload on iron
I do know the iron sort of seemed like it messed up my digestion when I finished the box
I wished I switched to the stuff that absorbs under my tongue and then I kind of just stopped
My digestion never really has gone back
And probably what I need to do is move around more
I dreamed I was doing this complicated routine
It wasn't exactly cheerleading
But it was more like that I guess
I mean it wasn't gymnastics exactly
But I know I was very impressed with myself
And I was trying to show you my routine
And there was something to do with frogs
Like my routine didn't have anything to do with frogs maybe the teams had to do with frogs I don't know they were frogs
And I was sure that the team was going to win because I was able to do all these physical things that I didn't think I could do and that seemed to be a sign but then it turned out
But if you see a certain kind of frog that means you're going to lose
And I had seen that frog but I didn't know it was a bad frog that I wasn't supposed to see
It was kind of large-ish
Like the size of a large grapefruit and it was kind of round like that like a Pac-Man frog but not as big as a Pac-Man frog at least I think the Pac-Man frogs are big anyway I don't know what I'm talking about I'm not an expert on frogs
But it was yellow and black
And when I was practicing it was peeking out from these shelves that I have that are I think they're from the '40s it's a narrow little set of shelves I used to have it by my bed at the last place
It's so hot here
I had to sleep practically naked
even with the a/c
I'm going to bed now
Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
Monday, August 9, 2021
Today
Today she didn't go to the window
She sat, eating her instant oatmeal with raisins in new exotic cinnamon flavor and listen to the wind howl
She expanded jaw a certain sort of way and her ears popped
Everything it sounded kind of muffled like she was under water until she heard the wind and somehow it's howling just cut through the congestion
Like what
Like a sythe
No
Like a machete
No
No like a jeweler's saw we go up and down and up and down and you're closer and closer to the end of your line and then the blade jumps and breaks because you got a little bit too excited change the angle of your saw headed for the finish line and then you realize that your finger wasn't quite as far away from the blade as you thought it was and you got a cut full of metal shavings
No it really wasn't like that at all
But she didn't have any experience with sythes or machetes
Sunday, August 8, 2021
I slept in today
Had this whole list of things I was going to do
But then I just decided I didn't want to do any of it
And when I finally got up
I had this sense
Like nothing was too bad
But I had all these little things
And I just had this sense that any one of them could blow at any minute
I thought that was awfully overly dramatic
And then
I had this idea
I was going to start writing it
She went to the window and looked out
Today what she saw looked like the surface of the moon
Blah blah
And this idea
About being completely enclosed in nacre
And the inability to move that would cause
But the beautiful glistening
But then I didn't write any of that
I watched videos
About book recommendations for Japanese literature
And here are the 60 books I read in my English major program
And my 50 favorite books
And I don't know what all else
Also I'm not sure how
But I've gotten pulled into watching some show
It's kind of dumb
And it's kind of a soap opera
But I don't seem to be able to look away
It's called Virgin River
And it said in some little town
Close to eureka
And eureka had crossed my consciousness at some point and I was like I know something about eureka what do I know about eureka well it's Northern California and it's close to the Oregon border
But the temperature is awesome
It's like maritime temperature
And there's a very small margin between what the average temperature is in the hottest month and the cold this month like the average temperature in the summer is 68 maybe and the average temperature in the winter is 58 or something like that The hottest temperature recorded is 87 degrees and the coldest temperature recorded is 20°, and I was like oh my god it's sweater weather all year although you know you'd wear a coat if it was 20
Course I guess you probably have to worry about forest fires and state income tax and all sorts of other California things
I think when I started watching it I thought it was going to be more like northern exposure
But it's not much like that
The characters that are the predominant love interest are both having like dueling flashbacks because they have all this personal trauma
But they're really making the flashbacks
Draw out the information more than is necessary because they're trying to build the tension but it's just not that dramatic of a story
And so I keep going
Really?!
And pretty much
When I'm guessing what's going to happen
I'm guessing right
Which is usually what happens with TV shows
But there was something that I watched recently that I was like oh man I didn't see that coming at all
So I knew it was really well written but I can't remember what that was
Anyway I'm not really recommending it
But the sweeping shots of landscape with mountains and river are really nice
And there are log cabins and lodges and
The doctor's house is amazing
So I think I must be watching it more for the visuals
Some of the people who are talking about Japanese literature
When they get to murakami
They don't like the magic realism
And then I'm like okay well now I don't really want to know anything else you have to say
Because if what you like is his more realist stuff that isn't full of magic realism
Then I don't want your recommendations
Because what I want
Is like magical realism
Surrealism
Metaphor
I don't need
Somebody talking about their real life in realistic terms that's just not that interesting
The thing is is that for me
there are a lot of things that I'm just talking about my life the way it is and they seem like magic realism but they're not
Like all that stuff with Mr sluggo in the night kitchen
That was not magic realism
I think that my view of the world
The way I see things
Is weird
Anyway I needed to go to sleep a while ago
Because I'm getting up earlier
My mother has a doctor's appointment before she goes to the studio so I'm driving myself so I thought I would use the opportunity to go in earlier
Because she's had all this stuff for me to do and I haven't really gotten to paint
But at this point I don't think I'm going to be able to get up at 6:30
I really thought I was starting my period
I had blood tinge
I had cramps
But it hasn't started so probably it's not going to
The sleeping
The being awake
The relationship with my body
I just haven't got a handle on any of the stuff yet
But I've got an area where I can set up my easel if I want to paint with acrylics or oils again although oil isn't really practical in an apartment
And I'm pretty close to having my well
Not super close I've still got to find homes for things that are on the table but I'm pretty close to having the table where I can do larger watercolors
So
Then the fact that she doesn't really want me to paint or maybe she wants me to paint but she just wants me to do all these other things but I don't know
It's weird
She's weird
I'm weird
I'm going to go to sleep now though
Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
Tuesday, August 3, 2021
Monday, August 2, 2021
Some kind of front is coming through again
I didn't try to get up early
But then when I woke up I had a headache
So I just stayed in bed
I had a lot of interesting dreams
I know this because when I woke up I was like wow those were really interesting dreams
But then I couldn't remember what they were
I couldn't really tell you what I did today
Well that's not true
I did a little bit of stuff
Prep work for a project my mother wants me to do tomorrow
I surfed around the internet
But mostly what I seemed to be doing was looking at paintings on eBay
I didn't really know there were a lot of paintings on eBay
I mean I guess there's a lot of everything on eBay but I had never really given it much thought
Some of them I really like
And some of them I don't
I wasn't really initially looking for paintings
I was originally looking for a 1970s frame in a particular size
I did find one that I like
Afraid my mean
But it has a painting in it
And I'm not that excited about the painting
And the frame has some damage
And I guess the whole thing with the frame in the painting is a pretty good price
And I guess considering the fact that there's a finite number of 1970s frames still floating around and it's a pretty decent size 24 in by 30 in is not a small frame
So I guess it's not a terrible price even for the frame
Except that it does have some damage and since they were taking pictures mostly to show the painting there aren't close-ups of the damage on the frame
But I thought you know
Maybe I should hit a couple of resale shops first
And I watched
Some episodes of better call Saul
I had watched through season 3 but there's a season 4 that I hadn't watched
Course it's been so long since I watched season 3 that it's not fresh in my mind anymore
And it's kind of tied in with the timeline
Well no it is tied in with the timeline but you don't necessarily need to remember the timeline of breaking bad for it to make sense
It's a stand-alone show but
It's been a really long time since I watched breaking bad
But I think better call Saul was a better show
I mean this is season 4
And they're telling this back story
And not a completely chronological way
And still
I'm not 100% sure
Although I think I see the pieces lining up
How he went from being Jimmy
To be install Goodman
To being Saul Goodman
Geez
And I really love Mike
I mean in breaking bad Pinkman was my favorite character
But Mike was my second favorite character and Saul was my third favorite character
And I'm not sure Walter White was even on the list of characters I liked I really didn't like him at all although I'm not entirely certain that I was supposed to like him
But better call Saul is telling several stories
I mean it's still in the backstory of him and his girlfriend
And I guess we're pretty much done with the backstory of him and his brother
And how he went from being slipping Jimmy to becoming a legitimate lawyer
And how that didn't quite work out for him
But we still haven't quite gotten to the point where you know it meets up
But I think I can see it now
Kind of coming around the turn
Mike I don't know if when he took the bar exam again if he changed his name first because he couldn't get back in with his current identity or whether he decided what he was going to do was be kind of like the vet who works with the underworld and so he needed kind of a code name
And I mean it's Saul Goodman
So I don't know I didn't really get a lot of work done today I just kind of floated
I did a little bit of this
I did a little bit of that
I didn't listen to any book tape
I think when I read killing commandatory and I it goes through my visual system I think it'll absorb into my brain differently than when I'm just listening to it
But I'm a little confused on how it's an homage to the Great Gatsby
I mean it has been a really long time since I read The Great Gatsby and I'll grant you I only remember little bits and pieces of it
So maybe that's why I don't see it
But I totally don't see it
But I really really loved the book except for the ending The ending threw me for kind of a loop
But I think maybe it is supposed to be a loop because The prologue happens after the action of the book
Plus I think I was kind of mad because my favorite character of the book was the house I mean I was picturing the house I've got it like all laid out in my head and I really love it and the view and everything I mean the house maybe wasn't supposed to be a character but for me it was a character and then he burned it down and while sometimes I don't mind if a character I love gets killed I kind of took on bridge I'm bridge um bridge umbrage I give up
UMBRIDGE
This thing sometimes makes what I'm saying into something completely different and sometimes it makes it completely incomprehensible and sometimes it makes it mean something different than what I'm trying to say so I try to watch it but it makes me feel as though perhaps I don't speak very clearly or have a weird accent or something
Which is funny because my whole life I've had people tell me oh you're from the Northeast right it's like no
And I don't think I sound northeastern at all so I assume that I just sounded a little nasally and perhaps enunciated words more than I was supposed to or pronounce them differently or used bigger words I really couldn't tell you
I mean I say y'all and fixing to like everybody else
Maybe I always talked a little faster than I should have
Anyway I'm going to bed
goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋
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