look here instead

the hawk called behind me
what
oh
that's the one

i want a tattoo

i want a tattoo of a joshua tree

it's completely irrational

and desert
it's not just dry
it's covered with prickly

the light shimmers off the rocks like a stadium of diamonds
the clouds transcend the third dimension

the world, is alive

tonight's reading

how does he think i'm doing

what does he want me to know

what could i tell him right now that would make him happy

should i post this

joshua tree national park may 2014 (unfinished)

the water at 29 palms inn was deep desert well water
delicious right out of the tap
i couldn't get enough of it
i had trouble choosing the place to stay and this was the right decision
always trust your gut

i almost stayed at the joshua tree inn
but it seemed too funky
and the haunting angle was sub optimal
i can't recall ever using that word before
but the last few days
it was like my new word or something

the harmony inn
not only had a great name going for it
it was where U2 stayed when they wrote joshua tree
[which, i mean, they must have stayed multiple places]
but it wasn't maybe funky enough

there was the pioneer town
which seemed like a cool concept
but the pictures of the rooms online
looked like country threw up
it reminded me of every arts and crafts show we ever did

there was an america's best value inn in yucca valley
that had a room that looked like a cave
which seemed kinda neat
but also kitchy
with spa tub
but
i was going to the desert
it seemed wrong to subvert that theme
besides
yucca valley wasn't funky enough

what i wanted was someplace that felt natural
the video pretty much sold me
but the room photos pretty much sealed it
she should have mentioned the tap water

anyway
enough about the room
it was located actually conjoining the park, i think
at the oasis of mara
which sounded like something i'd want to do but i did not

i went instead to explore the town
and though the health food & beer and wine store in joshua tree
was hysterical and appealing
it was the used book store raven's bookshop in 29 palms
that pulled me in
it's funny that i always find book shops on vacation

i bought a tiny little emerson
[selections from self-reliance, friendship, compensation
and other great writings]
a book of kenneth rosen poems
[new to rosen
the cover called
a quick flip through brought some raw
but at the same time
borderline pretentiously academic
images
and the forward note included the word psychopomp]
south america of the poets
discussing the culture and politics of the countries
through the poet as metaphor
[i think that made sense]
ink line drawing illustration
cooking fish and shellfish
with pretty blue pencil illustrations
of fish butchery
but not one picture of a completed dish
and
seven arrows
[which i don't think i ever owned
but meant to buy many times]

insert section/s later

so
the second day
i went to the park
at the visitor center
the ranger was asking a young couple
[late twenties early thirties]
if they wanted to camp in the park
the woman struggled to conceal shock
no, they both almost shuddered, in unison
he was circling their map
speaking with the kind of practiced patter that the brain won't absorb well
i tried to listen

if i just have a day or two, i asked
where should i go to just, ya know, get a general feeling for the park

he directed me to the inner loop
about thirty five miles starting in 29 palms [there]
ending in joshua tree
circling the same things as he talked to me that he had for them
i was dubious

i drove to the entry/pay
the woman told me my fifteen dollar pass was good for 7 days
[i think that's kind of genius
i mean when you think about it
that's like a movie, almost
but
i could see people grumbling
i'm just driving through it, i don't want to pay so much
after all i won't really be using the place at all
to which they can smile and say
yes, but it's good for a full week

ok, i said to her
i have the world's worst map skills
is there any way i can get lost

if you stay on the main road it will take you out at joshua tree

i have enough gas for about 200 miles
there is no way that isn't enough, right

well, you won't get good mileage driving that slow
would be at the low range
but it's thirty-eight miles
so, i'd say, yeah, you should be good

awesome, thanks



i would like to tell you that i was in a convertible just like the one in fear and loathing
that at thirty-five miles an hour my hair was whipping behind me
like it did when my father had the convertible tomato red beetle
where i might have stood up or who knows what
because seat belts what are those
but i cannot tell you that

as a child, even
go outside and play
was not such a good idea
about two hours playing outside in the summer
and i'd be vomiting with mild heat stroke
i got a bad sunburn, every year

i am using sun damage reversal products
[no whammies on the skin cancer, please]
i coated my exposed body with spf fifty
my face i finally found the perfect bb cream
it's untinted
you may laugh
i'm pale

in college
i was at a tracy chapman show
great local small venue
and she had a band-aid on her arm
she was talking about what bullshit it was that that was flesh colored
it was like a revelation to me
i had always thought it was weird that they were brown

anyway
sunscreen, check
windows up, check
air conditioner cranked, check
water at the ready, check

my chemical romance cover of desolation row, playing
on repeat

i was driving
but i was trying not to zone out to numbness
i was
i don't know what i was

a car turned off on a road to the left

should i turn there

is there any way you could call that staying on the main road

no

so there you go

ok, not turning


i got to the first really good stand of joshua trees
and i was thinking that i really wanted to get out, take some pictures
but
it was so so bright

when, suddenly it wasn't

well, it was
but it wasn't
it took me a few seconds to figure out what was going on

there was a cloud, immediately above me, blocking the sun

wait, what
there's a black cloud over my head

but it wasn't really
it was beautiful

that's gotta be a sign

i got out of the car
i took pictures

i started to cry
just alligator tears, my family used to call them
rising up and dropping over
running down my face
i guess
without the drama they weren't real enough

you've always been so good to me, i said
looking up at the cloud again



so, if we aren't using the map, how will we decide when to get out and walk around

how do you think

right, just checking

i checked my arms for sunburn
which was pointless anyway
my sunburn never develops till hours after the fact
by the time i'm pink
it'll be like a third degree burn
blistering
chills

why is it, you think, that you love the desert so much

don't know
don't think i could explain it with words

didn't want to listen to desolation row
searched around on the tracks
don't wanna change discs
just like a woman
too whiny, self-involved
dylan's dream
bryan ferry, no
man of peace
not quite
times they are a changin
flogging molly, ok

drink some water
start driving again

the road
i could say it twisted and turned
but
i think meandered would be more accurate
the sun was high in the sky
everything was bright, and beautiful, and waiting

here

no

how about here

no

wait, is that one even on the map

ooooo hall of horrors

seriously

yes, seriously
look at how pretty that is
doesn't look very horrifying to me
why do you think they call it that

insert section/s


normally when i go on a road trip i put more thought into music
i never really listen to cds anymore except when i'm on the road
and i keep the road cds in a basket
but
this time
i didn't grab the music till i was walking out the door
and the only one that was in the basket was
chimes of freedom
it's three discs
and it's pretty good
i did some road trip to california where that was pretty much all i played anyway
so i thought, what the hell, ya know

the last time
the songs that stuck out to me the most
that i played over and over on repeat were
you're gonna make me lonesome when you go
make you feel my love
just like a woman
baby let me follow you down
i want you
i'll remember you
and most especially
don't think, twice it's alright

this time
those were good songs, sure
but i didn't connect with them, really
it was a completely different set on the way in
blind willie mctell
love sick
quinn the eskimo
one too many mornings
mama you been on my mind
outlaw blues
and most especially
bob dylan's 115th dream
and
one more cup of coffee for the road

the ride home was different songs
not dark yet
love minus zero/no limit
this wheel's on fire
all alone the watchtower
changing of the guard
but when i finally settled into
tryin to get to heaven before they close the door
i had to buy new cds

a virtual patchwork of oddity

ok
when I woke up at 5 something
I had been in this art town
and we were buying
glassware
these beautiful bowls
they came as a set
something they kept calling parfait bowls
clear with a confetti pattern of light sky blue
and a larger bowl swirling cobalt
then
we went to a woodworker
enormous solid table tops
I think the one we like the best
was a purple so dark it looked like ebony
then, like I said, I woke up
and I felt you so strongly
but
specifically
sexually
I been feeling you for days
and proximity matters I guess
I guess we already knew that
but
once I had to get out of the car
couldn't drive for the spasms

then
after I went back to sleep
I told you I was going to
do some sort of vlogging
or show
you said
yeah, you should

but then
before I woke up now
well, not now, but most recently
I was working for some big box type place
only a little smaller than big
and I was trying to help this guy
with his video tape rewinder issue
so, shit
what year is that
what the hell does that mean
he wanted to buy, something
be was worried about our quality
I told him our quality was good
he started telling me about the rewinder
I said
bring it in, we'll refund your money
he said
I threw it away
I can try to get you a number for someone
in corporate
who might give you something
I said
but you really shouldn't have thrown it away

what does that mean

the chorus in my head

say
that you'll think I slept with somebody
but
that's ridiculous

I can't even get you to tell me
whether you wanna sleep with me

you would have no right to be angry
at all
about that

so
if that was worrying you
forget that

it's not fair to tell you you'd be mad
and then not tell you
so
I will
later

i'm writing a story, i think

there's stuff
that, as a friend, I think I should tell you
but
then you might be so mad at me
you wouldn't love me any more
so
maybe not

anyway
whatever
I love you

you started making kid's shows

I'm not sure they were animated
in fact, no, they weren't
you were doing them yourself
and animation is kinda a big job
but they weren't all live action either
so, puppets, maybe
not sure
first you just made a few
but
then
suddenly
others got involved
production values went up
I think you had friends helping with voice work

and you had this yearly
I don't know
festival
celebration
whatever
called family week

and I accidentally came to see you then
you were crawling with middle aged
whatever you call what yuppies become
when they're middle aged
and these people were
I mean, hardcore, into you
I couldn't get near you

then
I dreamed I was a clerk or something
in a court
one day I was out
and this woman filled in for me
when I got back
she was telling me about her friend
who had an unrully teenage daughter
and
they had crushed her car
to get her back in line
she was african american
and I knew her and her two younger daughters
but I'm bad with names
and I'm not that into people's kids
and I called the one girl
by the other one's name
and that was it
total frost over

i had volunteered

I was filling in as an assistant manager
for a mall, shopping mall
and I don't know why I did that
there were a lot of problems
I was trying to help
one of the other girls
with a money shortage issue
and one of the guys
with something else, I forget
when somebody came to tell me
the roof was leaking
big danerous wet floor situation
so, I mean, I was taking care of it
but I called the manager
told her
I realize this is my fault
I am responsible to make sure
everything, all the time
but
I was busy
and I got it as soon as I was aware
but she chewed me out anyway
bitch

then
I was at my house
but not any house I've actually live in
and mine was the only one without weeds
 then I went in
and there was this person
telling me about it
[I watched hgtv before bed]
but
there was this unobtrusive gap in the wall
what's that, I said
that's the stairway to ________'s house
[I forgot the name]
and I'm all like, wait, seriously
they just have a key to my house
and
there's no door to their house
just a stairway
this is so uncool with me

and then
right before I woke up
there was that lady knight from game of thrones
dressed up like a fire jumper

I don't know what
any of that means
but
for some reason
I feel like I'm supposed to tell you about tracey
so
maybe I'll do that
but
it's kinda sad
I don't want to right now

i can't remember much

but
I dreamed that I was talking to people I knew
some of them I know
some just in the dream
we were brainstorming
how to get
I guess you'd say
more high
techniques
lots of somatic practice
full body

then
I was telling this girl
what genius art
this little thing, mixed media something
she turned in
I was explaining technique and symbology
because
I mean
she'd just done it

then
you were saying
you didn't like pie
and
I was arguing
crust is one of the best things goin

there was more
lots more
but
I can't remember

i felt you very strongly this morning

but
now
all the cards are
like
the devil
or futility
or
the moon
is everything alright with you
everything seemed all RAD
but
now
it seems like it might be gnarly

I hope the cards are just
giving me grief

so much to tell you

there are all these little things
i bought a jar of noxzema today
i wanted a mask
and all my masks are pulling and drying
and i just don't want that
i've been overtaxing my skin for a while
and i thought of a moisture mask
but that made me think acne

and i remembered noxzema
which is supposed to be deep cleaning

this stuff is so cheap

i really ought to expect, something

but
i stopped at the grocery
because i need milk and creamer for coffee
and then
nonfat cottage cheese and fresh strawberry ice cream because i love dairy
in all it's textures
and
i went down the skin care aisle
because
i wanted a mask
and
they had a burt's bees clary sage moisture mask
that seems like something i'd buy
but then i went to check the conventional
they had almost nothing for masks
then i saw the noxzema

i seriously loved that stuff
i even, for some reason unclear to me now
used it as a sunscreen
slathering it on my arms before i would go outside

perhaps
the reason you never got any pimples
was not because you had perfect pitch skin
perhaps your obsession with skincare
was at the root

did i have an obsession with skin care

did you read that last part

whatever

i bought the big friendly blue jar
[not shaped the same, detracts]
but now with 45% less plastic
[i'm not sure how to respond to that]
and i took it home and slathered it on my face
[i cleaned my face first]
let it sit
like a mask
about 20 minutes

i scrubbed it off with my charcoal konjac

it smelled good
i mean maybe not madeleines dipped in the tea good
but still good

and it left this residue

that feels like i remember my skin feeling
like

i just can't decide what to write

i took a bath today in epsom salts
cause i feel like that helps
but
i don't really like to take baths

i like big old claw footed tubs
but even then
it just reminds me

when i was younger, lived with my mom
we didn't have a shower
we just had the tubs

this wasn't what i was used to
i had always lived in places with modern plumbing
but
this house didn't

those tubs were comfortable
and
i guess i was smaller too
but the were great, to a point
but not fast
and
i never really feel, clean

i mean
you're not washing it off
so much as sitting in it


but
today
i'm sitting in the tub
and i piece of body hair floats to the surface
and it made me think of my mom

she had decided, at one point
that it was just wasteful
to drain the water between baths
that we could all use that water
the two of us
and my step father

and
i freaked out a little

i had to explain to her
that i was not willing
no matter the consequences

if she wanted me not to drain the water after, ok

and then i thought about telling you that story
and i thought
that makes you seem mean spirited

you can't tell that story

i love you baby

what's going on

it's all I can do not to thrash
something must be going on
I don't remember my dreams
except for making espresso frapuccinos
but
you are definitely thinking of me
this morning

I love you sweetness

bed

i spent the afternoon
stretching
shifting
feeling myself sink into the foam

i hold too much tension in my body

i just needed to relax
and, i guess i hadn't been
i sprawled diagonally
curled in and over and around

i wasn't exactly pretending to spend the day in bed with you

i was remembering
what it was like to luxuriate

not
the place to collapse when i'm sick
not
the place to sleep fast
not even
the portal to the dream time

even when you are in bed with me
astrally, or imaginarily, whatever

there is a sense of containment
of being in the bed
as more of an afterthought
we are clinging to each other, and the bed is background noise

today
i felt the bed

and
what i want to dream about tonight

is luxuriating with
in
you

i dreamed that i had a story published in an anthology

I didn't know it had been
I just stumbled across it
the editor said
she had found this on old faded paper
but when she read it, it had stuck with her
for years
so she was including it
and
my name was right there
I held my breath
I started reading, because I didn't really think
that it would really be me
I didn't recognize the beginning
then
suddenly
it was my story
someone must have changed the beginning
but I remembered writing it
it was about
being in that I between state
not a child
not a woman
weaving that feeling into
some sort of universal life lesson

suddenly
I was a writer
it's like
in that moment, I owned it
everyone saw it
and
back at work
a hand full of antique coins
were between deborah's desk and the wall
I was not sure how to retrieve them
so, I just asked her
and she picked them all up
handed them to me
no problem

weird

I can't remember the story
not well enough to write it for you
but
I'm pretty sure
it is a story I actually wrote

fell asleep on the sofa like multiple times

out of sync

i'm going back to sleep, see if i can dream better

I had four phone messages
one was praising me for
an excellent purchase
some beer
but they seemed to think it was wine
another
was deborah
trying to reach me
about something
yuck
the other two
just seemed to be junk calls
not even really for me
I was happy that they weren't creditors
in dreams, if I get something, communication
like that, it's usually telling me
that I owe something I didn't know

then I was out with a group
and one girl was telling me
like group rules, or something
irritating me
and
shoshanna was telling me
that my current boss
is talking about demoting me
no, I say, that's not credible
I'm doing an excellent job
well, she says, you don't get the stuff put away
not as quickly and completely as you once did
which
maybe is true
it's sure the way I've been feeling

I'm sorry
I may not have said something you wanted me to say
doesn't mean I don't love you

I am worried and confused
about something
and
it's eating up my brainpower

thoughts, ideas

that trip with my mom
one of the things
the things i'd want to share

we went to ko"ln [i like that better]

there is a cathedral
and ko"ln
it is like almost disneyland
everything has been reconstructed
and there is this huge paved walking mall
with the cathedral and a roman/german museum
but

in the cathedral

i think i learned something about religion
and maybe humans
and
anyway
something absolutely fascinating

the entire cathedral
is a reliquary

for some bone shard or something
i don't know why
but i find this
kinda  goovy

like the energy contained
in a small dead fragment of this great
saint, or whatever
[i had to look it up
i don't remember what bones
but
it's the bones of the three kings]

very interesting

t wirl ing

so many thoughts
what
have i completely invented
there's always invention
there is an almost limitless layering of meaning

i wish i was better at expressing that

the multiverse

i watched this documentary the pyramid code
and it was interesting, very interesting
but
it also takes me cleopatra and king tut

and now
i'm remembering
when everyone had the same name as me
i didn't want to be the nickname for my name
i wanted to be
rose in pre school
but by second grade cleopatra

only difference
in pre school i had been more assertive
by second grade
i knew that that would cause all kind of complications

but
if i used my mother's model:

i always wished my name was the thing i'm naming my daughter

it'd be rose cleopatra vicky lilith albertine van unicorn

no joke
i would never name my daughter that

[oh, and vicky and l.a.v.u.
were more like affected alter egos
so they probably should not count in this]

so
we're back to rose and cleopatra



womanly
these names are womanly

shakti

so i've been giving some thought to that
tricky about the story
gotta be a story
what you want is capture a feeling
have masses of people have the feeling as one
that's the power of religion
as opposed to
personal spiritual practice, or whatever

and the reason it always goes bad, people
people want to harness that power
but
what religion is really about
is altering consciousness


in progress....

chit chat

i started thinking about that trip
and there were issues
that
if i were really telling the story seemed important
but
they were kinda heavy

so
then i kinda didn't want to tell the story
but i still wanted to share what i liked about freiburg
but, really
some of what i liked
is what i like about anywhere

i really liked the little baechle

[i threw in the e trying to compensate for the lack of an umlaut]

but i spent a lot more time

in the square where the minster is

there is an open air kneipe

and

a market in the mornings

around the base of the minster

which is the very first market

i ever bought fresh goat cheese

i love love love

that type of market

i don't remember my dreams

but
I think you might enjoy
to hear about
that trip
maybe
so
I plan to try to write you something
this evening
and/or
tomorrow

I want you
have a happy day

all i remember was stacking beer

which may be related to the promo set
there was some sort of
event
in the dream
which makes me think of
the wine festival my mother
and I ran across
in the black forest
true
we didn't go that many places
but
freiburg was my favorite
also
everyone thought I might be french
because my german "r" sounded
from years of studying french
wrong
everywhere else
I was immediately taken for
american
but
here french
it made me like them
that's silly, but true

i feel weird today

i have a headache
and i slept for like fourteen hours

i dreamed about, i'm not sure
i was back in school
[i took this as a bad sign]
and half of my mouth was scabbed or scarred or something
so my lipstick was darker on one side of my mouth
and the professor thought i fidgeted around too much
or something
he made everyone move down a seat
so that i would not be on the end of a row

and
cocoons
or something like

happy happy blood time started yesterday
which was exactly when i predicted it
but it surprised me anyway

i don't feel good