i'm thinking of you

weirdly synchronous daybreak hair salon

so
i decided
i'm cutting my hair
but i don't want to look up my friend
because i don't want to spend a bunch of time
explaining myself
and what i've been doing with my life
with big gaps i can't fill in, and etc

but
at the same time
i want someone i know is an artist
so i remembered
i got my hair cut short back in 1997
and
i wasn't ready for it
but she did a beautiful job
so i looked her up online, found a number

but
who knows if she's still there or what
so i call
i get a message
but it just has her first name
no salon mentioned
but
whatever
i leave a message
she calls me back:

are you a client
well, you cut my hair once
years ago
but i looked you up online and found this number

i just moved back from california

so thursday
at 2:30p
i'm getting my hatr cut

fingers crossed

i'm going to just sort of ramble because i feel like talking

so
to start
if i cut my hair like this
do you think it'll look good on me


cause
i almost wanna do this
and it'll do this if i cut it this short
with a LOT less work
but i'm afraid to go this short



at least i think it still will
might be too thin anymore

i know i was just talking about a bonnet
but i can't wear a bonnet
and i'm sick sick sick
of what i've been doing for years
and it's too long
it irritates me

but
if i cut it short
it'll be harder to pull back
into a ballet bun
and i like that look

i guess it'll grow back though


ok
so i got all caught up
in looking at hair styles
and listening to this one song
and drinking this new wine
well, new to me
durigutti bonarda [argentina]
i'm trying out four different south american wines
only two tonight

santa alicia anke blend 2 [chile]
they make a carmenere that is one of the best
if not the best
i've ever had
and blend 2 is 55% that
15% shiraz
30% petite verdot [which i've not experienced before]
and
i just don't like it
maybe it needed to breathe more
but the leather and tobacco notes
were kinda over the top
especially since i wasn't really expecting them

[i let it breathe more and it's better]

the bonarda is completely new to me
and to be honest
i was thinking it was too acid for me
it certainly sucked with my salmon with brown rice and peas dinner
but now that it has breathed for hours
i still don't like it as well as the cheaper stuff
i usually drink
but
i'm appreciating it
it makes me want to try dolcetto
the italian grape progenitor of argentine bonarda

the other two are root 1 cabernet sauvignon [chile]
[and i don't normally like cabernets although i do like bordeaux
but i've had it recommended highly]
and tabali reserva syrah [chile]
which, if i don't like, i might cry
i really should like it

whatever
i had all these thoughts running around my head
but i'm not very focused this evening
even before the wine

i wonder if you'd like these wines
and
it's all i can do not to bust open the other two
this would be better with two
because
more wines are better for tasting
but 93 open bottles
kinda sucks

[actually more breathing is better for blend 2
it's bringing out some floral notes, hmmmm]

sitting on the floor by a fire
drinking wine with you
that sounds
so good

weird stuff i think about

i've been thinking for a while
about covering my hair
i don't really know why
it's just something i'm starting to want to do

and you might think
i'd want a tichel
or something
and
i maybe want to want that
because what i really want
is like
weirder

http://jas-townsend.com/product_info.php?cPath=9&products_id=999

and
if i'm honest
maybe

http://mennonitemaiden.com/garden-apron.html

only
not not with some kind of prairie dress

with something like

http://www.robinsnestonline.com/home.cfm/page/Products/Category/38_Flax_Ltd_2011_SALE!/Product/601/Flax_Plentiful_Pant_.html

but
i like this too
[not the flowery skirt, i'm thinking with those pants]

http://jas-townsend.com/product_info.php?cPath=2&products_id=913

but it's the bonnet that started the whole thing

and this one's nice
because
it doesn't tie under the chin
and it doesn't look
mormon
or
mennonite
or
amish
or whatever
it looks
revolutionary american
or
revolutionary french

but
how
can i get away with wearing that
i bet
it'd even look good on me

every time i go to some historical place
i have to fight the desire to buy a bonnet
and they are usually calico
which makes it easier
i had some
back in the 70s
when i got away with it fine
but i was a kid

i don't know why i want to dress like that

where does that come from

i don't know why but i feel the need....

i gotta tell you
some more stuff

i invented a new salad dressing
without any oil
it's sort of an onion poppyseed
except it wasn't specifically a vidalia onion
and i used black sesame seeds

i juiced the onion
i mixed in about a teaspoon of
really sweet iowa honey
some white pepper
some mesquite seasoning
and a splash of apple cider vinegar
celtic sea salt
black sesame seeds

it was really good

in my juice
i had collards
celery
hatch chili
lime

i did break down and have a little tiny bit
of popcorn popped in coconut oil


it's possible that the maca is extra strong
i am kind of longing for you
in a really physical way

and my mood's been a little sketchy for the last few days
i guess i'm premenstrual or something
which hasn't been an issue for a while
but i've been all dark-thought-y
and
forever from a distance-y-angst-o-rama

so then
any heightened arousal
works all that into it
and becomes
almost maniacally passioned
not all gentle
more
now now now

and the fantasy
is more
shirt tearing
and pushing you up against a wall

and
i've been told
that is slightly frightening

for the timid, i say
but you've got balls

you won't be frightened by desire
you already know i find you mountable
and never mind the whole insatiable thing
i'm totally not a succubus, i swear, however....

earth

ok
so my stuff came today
and i love love love love vitamineral earth

it smells like thanksgiving
and
i made a smoothie with:

cold pu ehr tea
coconut milk powder
1 banana
coconut oil
macaforce vanilla spice

and it was good
except
he recommends starting with a teaspoon
and
i wanted to taste it more
so i put a tablespoon
so i may have detox symptoms or who-knows-what

but
although it won an award for best raw smoothie mix
he recommends a tea or broth
heat releases more phyto-nutrients from the roots and herbs
so
it may end up being something i mix with miso
or
i'm not sure yet

and
i need a good mushroom blend
preferably with chaga
and that would go perfectly

the macaforce is good
but
i'd gotten used to the taste of maca
we'll see if it's more potent, or not

the acerola cherry
i didn't try it on it's own
i just mixed it into msm
in which it is vile
which one might expect
but it doesn't have much flavor, i think

i might try pure synergy's radiance c, next time
it is a blend of camu camu and amla berry and something
should be more tart

and pure synergy has mushrooms and chinese herbs in it
vs vitamineral green
but
i'm pretty sure i bought some of that
back in 1995 and didn't take it
i've got a huge bottle of spirulina right now
this is why i get the amazing grass tablets
when i mix the spirulina in the smoothie
it tastes like scummy scummy fish water


oh
i almost forgot
i had cantaloupe juice for breakfast
it is excellent
i knew i liked watermelon juice
but i've always been so-so on the cantaloupe
but they were 5 for $5, and super ripe
and i've been putting them in the morning smoothie
or eating them for lunch
or whatever
they're low calorie and really high in A and C
they also have B and folate and etc

melon is very cleansing
but
food combining
[which i still have not really managed to wrap my head around
even though i've known about it for like 30 years]
says to always eat melon by itself

so anyway
i really want food
i may have some salad later
or soup
but
soon
i'm gonna have some green juice
i've got collard greens
not sure what i'll have with them
celery for sure
but maybe carrot
or
i have some tomato

exciting stuff
take care of yourself
i love you

juice

today i decided to juice
i often don't
it's expensive and messy
and then i always feel the need
to do something with the pulp
which takes time

what i really want to do
is a 30 day juice fast
but
i'm not sure i can do that
for various reasons
so i'm only committing to working more juice into the mix

so today
i made a pretty passable borscht juice:

4 small beets
1 bunch of celery
2 large lemons

a juice that made me feel like i was drinking chocolate milk:

1 small bag of carrots
1 large cucumber

i'm not sure how it was chocolate milk-like
it wasn't chocolate-y, obviously
but i've never liked carrot juice much, too sweet

then i made a zinger cooler to go with my salad for dinner:

romaine lettuce [maybe 7 large leaves]
1 bunch of celery
2 limes
1 large hatch chile



i think i may take one or two of the pairs of shoes back
i really like the rykas

and i ordered some healthforce nutritionals products today
[it was only a matter of time, right]
vitamineral earth and macaforce vanilla spice
and an acerola cherry powder [vitamin c]

i got pretty good prices on them

the vitamin c
i'm gonna see if it makes me feel better than emergen-c
since maybe whole food vitamins are better
the maca is supposed to be extra potent
but i think i really bought it as much for the
flavor and synergy [other ingredients]
i use maca regularly
but my thinking was
i'd mix the maca and the earth with a banana
and maybe some almond or coconut milk
and my coconut oil
and have a kind of coffee/chai/esque breakfast smoothie
the acerola powder and the msm seem like obvious pairs as well

i didn't buy vitamineral green
which is like their flagship product
or cornerstone
or whatever
but
it was already getting kinda pricey
and history has led me to believe
that i will not drink green powder


anyway
i don't know why
but i'm falling asleep now
so i'm going to bed
thinking of you

i got new shoes

those shoes i got a while back
the l.a. gear step-n-tone
they died
but they got worn almost every day
and they only cost $20
so i am not displeased

i got three pairs to replace them
that wasn't my plan
my plan
was to go back to ross
try to get another $20 pair
but i went to tjmaxx instead
because it's close
and i thought it'd be extra crazy
for the tax-free
so i didn't want to drive in traffic too

i tried on a bunch of different kinds
and the thing is
i used to only wear
what would i call them
fitness shoes
for fitness activities
the rest of the time
i'd wear sandals or clogs or mules
but i have taken to wearing the step-n-tones
all the time

which i kept thinking was funny
my whole life i hate lacing shoes
think "tennis shoes" are ugly
now
i want to be able to switch out
and two of the pairs are white, basically
my step-n-tones were black

the first ones i found were
RipaRykä
and i loved them at first feel
they are like barefoot, but with heel support
they are actually running shoes
and kinda girly looking
but i really like em

the second are saucony prestige [run-neutral]
which i didn't know because the had no booklet
but i researched them online after the fact
they just felt shock-absorbing
and stabilizing
and light

but then i was all like:
um, hello, you wanted to be getting a step/tone type shoe
and new balance had one that was claiming great stuff
[balance board technology, 39% more engagement, blah blah]
and reebok had one [easytone] that wasn't really claiming anything
but the reebok was more comfortable
and like the old ones
so i got it

i meant to spend about $50 for one pair
and i spent $100 for three
but i think it'll be better for my feet to switch out

and i think i prefer to buy them cheap
i have some $200 fitness shoes that look great
but rub my feet when i, oh say walk in them
that i've had for years
and i have some $300 mephistos that i may have resoled someday
but they're heavy and hot

old model half priced ones work better for me at this stage
the only thing is
the expensive ones
didn't come with ethical considerations

but my feet won't hurt




i love you
and
i don't know if it is appropriate for me to say this
but
i'm proud of you

the strangest thing happened to me today

ok
before i start on that
i've got a couple things
i gotta say

night before last
i had this dream
i can't remember most of it
but
there was hot sauce rubbed into my bones
and
i don't know what to make of that
but i had to tell you anyway

the other thing is a comment a guy i know made
he said this one actress was really ugly
and i'm all like:
great, she's the one everyone always says i look like
and he says:
you don't look anything like her at all
you look more like julianne moore

now
i never thought i looked that much like the other one
but
julianne moore
come on, really

but he says:
no, seriously, have you seen her without makeup

well, maybe in safe

whatever

but
this is the strange thing

i went to the movies today
and i stopped in the restroom after the movie
and
when i went over to wash my hands
i looked in the mirror

and
i almost didn't recognize myself

really

and i'm all like:
wow
this must be some great lighting up in here
but they were just really bright fluorescent lights

but
i look different

it's not really a thinner thing
because i'm not really thinner
but i look thinner, yes

it is a younger thing, for sure
msm works
the slightly jowl-y action that was starting
which i hated hated hated
is like 85% gone
and my skin hasn't been this even in years
and the big frown-y vertical wrinkle on my forehead is less noticeable

but
it's not just those things
it's like the proportions of my face are different
my jaw seems stronger
my cheek bones seem more european
my eyes seem bigger
my upper lip seems bigger than my lower
my nose seems smaller
my hairline seems completely different

that can't be msm
that can't be detox
that's just weirdness

and
i mean
it's not like these were things i'd been wishing for
except the jawline i have wished for that

so
how is that possible

thoughts on paris and london and scotland [corrections]

i am trying to imagine
maybe because i was just looking on amazon at books about paris
not that i necessarily want to live in paris you understand
but there is a sort of writer mystique about the place
and so i find myself piecing together
all these little snippets of images
transposing them
and us
as though we had lived in paris
but
i mean, i don't really have enough

of paris
or of you

i don't know what we would do together in paris

i think i would go to large outdoor markets
and buy cheese and bread and fruits and wine
i don't think i would go to museums in paris
i would walk along the seine
i would drink coffee
eat in little cafes

maybe paris would just be a big city full of people
and tourists
and maybe its magic would be lost on me

when i was about 20
i had a friend who studied for a semester in london
i went and stayed with him for a few days
before he went off to france
and i went off to scotland
we went to madame tussuad's
we went to the changing of the guard

and
he assessed me thus:
you have a problem with crowds

we also went to a bunch of clubs
and that was ok fun
but to be honest
i had more fun on my adventure by myself

i took the night train to edinburgh
when i got there the i wasn't open yet
and it was freezing
although it was late july
i went to a fancy hotel
thinking they would have a restaurant
but they didn't really want to serve me without a room number
i think i got semi-hysterical
because i hadn't actually been able to sleep on the night train either
and i told them
i couldn't possibly check in until i had had a proper breakfast
and it was early
but i had no intention of staying there it was way too expensive

i had the absolute best oatmeal that it is possible to imagine
and smoked fish of some sort [kippers maybe]
and tea

and then i went to the i and got a bed and breakfast
which i had trouble finding
and almost cried wandering around the streets
i have zero maps skills
and an old man stopped me
asked me where i was from
i told him
and he said:
ya shada bra yr hoerse wi ya
and made me laugh
and pointed out the way

and there were no single rooms
because it was the tattoo
which i didn't know
and didn't attend
but i got a "double" room
which was like one bed and a roll away
for like 20 pounds
and i was right next to the downstairs half bath
and i had a wash stand and an electric kettle and a t.v.
i wandered around all day until i got blisters
and when it got dark i didn't want to be out
it's weird
because in london, even alone
i went out to bars and got lost and wandered around drunk
and felt perfectly safe
but in edinburgh
it was too quiet, too deserted
i couldn't feel safe out at night
and besides, my feet hurt
so i drank pots and pots of tea and ate weird snacks i bought in shops
and watched the BBC
and i think most of the guests were upstairs, or out
and it was like i had the whole place to myself and i loved it

then i took the train across the highlands
which took most of the day, and was a scenic sort of thing
someone from my father's mother's father's side of the family
was supposedly some sort of something in scotland
and i always had this sort of fantasy thing for it

moor, heather and loch; red red rose, auch
the romance you might have had for the west, i had that for the highlands

so i bought a bunch of strongbow and snacks
and the train ride was a dream come true
the cars were old
and roomy
nothing new-fangled or fancy about them
with benches
with tables
and i stared out the windows

there are no trees
none
because it is above the tree line
and it is all purple heather and thistles and whatever
but that was perfect, just the sound of the train the wind
blowing cold across my face and a slightly drunken haze
sometimes i went to stand in the connector section to be more out

at some point a very very sick old man sat down behind me
and a few days later i had a cold, which sucked
but for then, it was amazing

then a girl sat next to me and asked me where i was going
i told her i was going to skye
i had seen a coffee table type book about skye
and it seemed like my ideal place

she was astonished:
you should come with me to plockton there is nothing to do in skye

i could not be dissuaded

i went to skye [kyle of lochalsh]
the train station was a platform, no building, no nothing
and i had not checked where i was staying, i just went
it was getting dark
and cold
and i wondered:
how will i sleep at the train station
if there's no train station

god, i'm gonna need a hotel of some sort, pretty please
and i started wandering the streets figuring there had to be something somewhere

and i found someplace
it was really beautiful
and almost full, because there was a golf tournament i hadn't known about going on
and i was just at the very tail end of if-you-get-in-there-right-now
you can get dinner
so i ordered
dropped my stuff in the room
changed shirts
i changed into this beautiful intensely blue african tunic
and when i walked in to dinner
some children pointed me out to there parents
as being, a freak i guess
and i can't remember what i ate, maybe lamb, i don't think i was spoiled for choice
i think all the fish was gone already
and there was a tub in the room, which was a beautiful room, small, charming
but i was getting heart palpitations because it was like almost 40 pounds
but it was wonderful
and i was not complaining
thank you god
and i even got dinner in time

and the next day i went across on the ferry
[i said before it was portree, but it was kyleakin]
and the signs were in gaelic
and there was a highland games going on that i hadn't known about
and i think
i thought
i had died and gone to heaven
i didn't even take any pictures
i just wandered around
smelled the sea air
had tea
saw guys stomping around in kilts
bag-pipes
caber toss
craft shops

there was this one shop
it had hand made sweaters
with the most beautiful designs i had ever seen
and i wanted one fervently, as intensely as i have ever wanted anything, maybe
and it was like 100 bucks which was a steal
what i really wanted to do was to figure out how to import the sweaters
sell them to nieman's or sakowitz or something
but i didn't buy one
because
when the hell would i have worn it
it was wool
it was never cold enough

i loved skye

then i got back on the train
to inverness
my plan had been to go to the isle on man
but it turned out the ferry sure enough went there that day
i had checked that
but it didn't come back in time for my flight home
so
i ended up going back to inverness
on the edge of loch ness
my gran-gran and i had spent a lot of time talking about the loch ness monster
she had theories
but it seemed very dark, boggy
i couldn't imagine there being a hold-over dinosaur of some kind living there
i couldn't really imagine any little fishes living there
it seemed wicked, incapable of life
and i sat in the train station bar and drank for hours
trying to decide what the fuck i was going to do now
there's a song
about never having written a song about something
and the first time i ever heard it
it took me instantly back to the train station bar, inverness

so i went back to london
went to the national gallery
wandered around carnaby street
ate take-away
drank

i can't remember if i saw a play or not
i had seen chess with jerry
oh
i do remember
i did see a play
it was awesome
i can't remember what it was called
it was about chinese immigrants from
i want to say hong kong
to canada
and it was in english [not more than half english]
and french and chinese
it was intense
and all about culture shock and alienation and dreams of happiness

i went to covent garden
and bought these art post cards from a strange woman on the street
that i have still never gotten framed
[but i think i still have them]
i helped tourists find there way in the tube

i went to the market in chalk farm
and bought falafel
and body shop products before they were even in the u.s.
[i had never heard of them but they were cool]
and i got a pint or half kilo or whatever of fresh raspberries
and got super sick
[but i though it was probably the falafel]
but i recovered fast
and it was a great day

and one night
when i was lost and drunk and riding the night bus
i sat next to this guy who was very excited to talk to an american
because he was fascinated that america had serial killers
and he knew them, regionally
and i got to tell him
the oldest son of one of my mom's best friends
i hadn't really been friends with him
i was friends with the youngest daughter
who was about five years older than me
but anyway
wade had been friends with this serial killer guy
or tried to be
but his mom
thought the guy was creepy
broke up the friendship
kept him away from him
so i was like six degrees of separation from one of this guy's killers
and even though i couldn't tell him anything much
it was pretty cool

i don't really have anything important to say....

but
i was thinking of you
so
i thought
i'd
say:
hi

hi

and
i know
it's starlight
but
just ask
so
stardust-y

p.s.
i'm not very mean by nature
and i don't want to be
that's not like
a necessity
to be
a sexy woman
is it
i
don't know why i ask, exactly
just something i'm reading
and then
crazy for her
and
american culture, in general, i guess

cause i'm not down for that
mean-sexy stuff


and i dreamed about smoking last night
and i didn't like it at all
i think
i was in canada
it was all very involved
and strange
but i really only remember the smoking


be good to yourself
i love you very much

also i made a green juice today that i really like

i had a head of kale
and i don't particularly like kale
it's too tough
and
not all that tasty
so i decided to juice it

but it doesn't make much juice
so i had to decide what to put with it
so here's what i came up with:


one head kale
four lemons with the skin partly cut off, leave some for zest
four small mild peppers like banana peppers
four large stalks of celery


it doesn't make a huge trough of juice
but it's tangy

i had some very strange dreams

i was in school
i don't remember the details
[although, something about a ball field]
and then [something about first and second period]
then i think we must have gone on a field trip
or research venture
because

i was in some sort of museum
i was with someone i knew in the dream
we checked out a large box
in the box
was a collection of costume bits
i looked through them
until i found a green wig in a box
picture of a masked woman on the front

this is the one
i almost squealed with delight
i remember this from when i was a kid


in another part
i was in a panel of people being interviewed on a radio show
i was wearing a black blazer jacket
with only a flesh tone bra underneath
and i had this box around my neck
which was broadcasting directly to me from a man
who in the dream i knew
who was maybe an actor
i'm not sure
but
i felt slightly flirty towards him
and
the idea of personal transmissions between us
was almost more exciting than being on the panel
i was moving the box up and down
i'm not sure why
maybe to get comfortable
maybe it was a nervous energy thing
but the woman next to me
who looked like leslie ann warren in her heyday

looked at me and said:
what
are you giving him a show of your flabby wares

and i looked at her and said:
i hate you


now apparently
my i hate you was transmitted over the air
and later
this young college girl
came up to me
and told be how i had disillusioned her and all her
young impressionable friends
who so admired me and my work
and how could i

and i just wondered:
had i said i fucking hate you
or was all this really all about my saying i hated someone
how fucking wholesome was i expected to be
but i felt bad anyway
poor girl


then
i worked at a store
they had directory kiosks
touch screen things in four locations throughout the main floor
but the headings seemed sort of random to me
and i wondered if i should sort them
so that each machine had like things
or if i should leave them random
because they all contained different information
although that didn't make much sense to me


then
i was sitting on a dirt road
out in the country
really really creepy
waiting with some guy i had worked with
to see what was going to happen
i don't know if that had anything to do with the kiosks
i don't see how it could have
but he worked at that same place

i do worry about you

so
of course
i worry that you
i don't know, didn't feel supported i guess
by that last post
and that wasn't my intention, not at all
i'm not sure why i worry

anyway
i love you
you're a pain in the ass
but i love you
and
the fact that i let you read that
shouldn't be
i don't know, just shrugged off, ya know

whatever

my detox has gone kinda weird
i really wanted to get up to 20,000mg of msm a day
but
i can't safely leave the house at 15,000mg
so
i've stabilized at about 12,000mg for now
i'm doing some cayenne
i've had some meals
including some heavy meals
like veggie pizza or pasta
but i've been at it a while
and i'm mostly raw
i had stepped up the physical exercise a bit
so i had to up my carbs
so i'm eating mostly fruit
avocado, bananas, grapefruit
and i started this new protocol
coconut oil in orange juice for breakfast
the coconut oil is supposed to stimulate thyroid
and a bunch of other stuff
i'm down to only 2 emergen-c packets a day
and lemon water the rest of the time
and
i added in cayenne a few days ago
only three or four times a day
and only one pill not two
but
i think the cayenne is noticeable

i really recommend cayenne [100,000 heat units]
if you're only going to do one thing

so
i've lost 10 pounds
but i had pretty much gained 10 pounds
so it's kinda a wash
but i look good
and i feel pretty good
and this is a weight i haven't been for a while
and 10 pounds for me is not a big fluctuation

and i'm just going to keep doing this
i know it might be a better detox if i didn't eat
or if i ate completely raw
but i'm not doing that
it's vegetarian
and mostly
i manage to avoid dairy and eggs and bread
but i am not mandating that
and i am specifically adding in fish a few times a week
because of the nutrients

and the last few weeks
i'm really focusing on the organic
rather than just here and there

my next goal is thirty pounds away
and i have to find an exercise for the "bye-bye arm"
i got big ole biceps and deltoids
but then "bye-bye arm"
and i can't tell that the msm is doing anything for that at all
though
face and jawline and hair shedding all seem improved significantly


anyway
i hope everything is good with you
that i didn't freak you out
that you are taking good care of yourself

stardust-y bones baby

real

is it raining, he asked
the mist sticking to my eyelids making me blink
yes, i answered

but
it was like he had said he loved me and i loved him back
but
other things had been said
i was confused
he wanted me
but
he didn't want me
was maybe a little afraid of me

i have this fairy tale i tell myself about him
he was cursed
he cannot express his love for me
if he says anything
if he does anything
directly

i'm never sure what
some days
the curse causes me to stop loving him
some days
the curse causes him to stop loving me
other days death ensues
but there are some days
when i think that it isn't really a curse
what it really is is a promise he made
and not to me

on those days
i'm tempted to listen to my mother
but the fact that she thinks he's using me
is almost a guarantee that that cannot be the case

but
i second guess myself
maybe this is some new creative way to torture myself

and i feel like he thinks
whether this is true or not i cannot say
that i am holding out on him somehow
as though
it were perfectly normal to go places one didn't want to go
and do things one didn't want to do
without
not a contract
we're not talking a contract
without
one word

who does that


no
that's not holding out
whether he thinks it is or not
it might be patience
it might be stupidity
but it is not holding out


and
if he were truly bad for me
would i have quit smoking and smoking
changed my lifestyle and diet
surely
being healthier
looking younger
these are good things
things i would never have done

ah but, you say
you didn't do those things for him
you did them for the baby
and what becomes of you when you can't have one
because
even if he stops pushing you away
it doesn't mean
you're not a barren wasteland

and truly
i don't know
maybe
it is too late already
but i can only do what i can do
and
when i started this
i thought
if it doesn't work out i can always kill myself
and i had been killing myself for years by inches
but
now i want to live
so
if things don't work out
i imagine i'll muddle through somehow
if i'm supposed to have a kid
if that's the mission of my soul
then i will
i believe that

would his life be better
if i was not there
am i a dangerous addiction
am i bad for him

that i have no way to know

i could certainly make the argument
that
though i was good for him at first
perhaps now
i risk damaging things
important things

it is not my place to make that decision
and i do not choose to superimpose some bourgeois standard
over what my heart call out for
because that is just a bunch of crap


i am going to love him forever
and i'm not going to let him make me stop
and that has determined my actions
if doing something
or not doing something
could have the possible outcome
that i would stop loving him
then i will not let myself do it

i meant to write something more poetic
i'm not angry
or sad
or disappointed
and this might sound like something like that

but i was reading something
and it was all from inside the writer's head
and it occurred to me
that
that is what i naturally write
but i think i shouldn't
so then i try to write something else
and maybe
what you really want to know
is the stuff that isn't prettied up
and so i am letting you read this
even though
maybe that isn't a good idea
i don't know

sometimes

in the morning i will have something for you

i love you

i have the distinct feeling that you're thinking about me right now

is that crazy

i thought so at about noon yesterday too

i have no way to verify these things

and it is always possible

that

i'm

imagining it

but if you are thinking of me

i'm thinking of you too

i hope you don't think i'm too weird

i took that down
maybe
that's paranoid
but
i thought it was for the best

sketches for a story

you know puppyfish
i can already tell that you're a boy
i'm not sure how i can tell, i just can

you know puppyfish
that's happened before

once there was a man
i loved this man very much
and i went to the city to see him
when i saw him
he told me
he and his lover were having a baby
and
i sort of knew that
but until he told me himself
i couldn't believe it

and i told him what a gift from god that was
and what a great father he was going to be
and those things were true

but
it cost me something to tell him that just then
and when i was alone again i felt like
there was a hole through me
and every now and then
i could hear the wind whistle through it

so
i'm alone in the city
and i don't really like the city
don't really have any interest in seeing anything
so i go to china town, at least i think i was in china town
it seemed more like a movie set of china town from the fifties

anyway
i thought about china town in san francisco when i was three
which i can't remember very well but which impressed me
and i thought about china town in the town i'm from
and the first restaurant where i ate chinese food
after telling them i didn't like it and wouldn't eat it
i tried it and liked it
and my mom's boyfriend said the restaurant looked like
a mexican bus station
and i wondered what he meant
and i thought about china town in chicago
and the amazing little tea shop with the hundreds of teas
and then
i looked at this china town
and i thought of epcot
and i thought i might feel better if i cried

now puppyfish
i may have had it all wrong
i was depressed and not wanting to see good in it
and one of the places i actually like in the city
i can't wait to take you there in fact
is a beautiful pagoda-like museum
but it's all full of japanese art

so i ate something
and i went into this little shop
and i wandered around forever until i finally bought
a little tiny blue silk dress
with butterflies tone on tone woven into the cloth
it had a little mandarin collar
and little frog knot closures
and i bought it for his daughter
because i knew the baby was going to be a girl

and the last day i was in the city
i was going to see him again
and i tried and tried to think of how to give it to him
but i knew i couldn't
that it wouldn't be appropriate
and i walked from my car to the place i was going to see him
and there was this tree
it had shed so many tiny purple flowers
it had painted the sidewalk
and i'd only ever seen a tree with flowers that color
once before
and that was in a dream in a movie
and everything
everything in the world was conspiring
to be beautiful and meaningful and deep
just at that moment

and then i saw him
and he smiled at me
with this almost teen aged look
like he hadn't really expected me to be there

and i didn't tell him
that he was going to have a little girl
and i didn't give him the blue silk dress

sketches for a story

the puppyfish and i are headed back home
with cafe au lait and croissants
which are very naughty
and unhealthy
but
the whole hemingway thing
transformed into a breakfast picnic in paris
and there are all the senses to consider

you are still sleeping
i don't want the coffee to get tepid
but i have to pause for just a moment to watch you sleep
the things i find the most endearing
the slight crinkling around your eyes
the slightly pouty swelling of your lower lip
and the other
the other i won't even mention
for fear it offend you to say aloud
these might not be the things you love most about yourself
but they are beautiful to me
and vulnerable
and real

i set le petit déjeuner on the bedside table
and i slide back into bed
i want to kiss you awake, but
that doesn't really work so
i press my cheek against your shoulder
and run my hand across your hip
you are magic and turn over toward me opening one eye


the puppyfish and i have been for a walk
and we have brought you breakfast from paris
you were hemingway
and they had no cubano so it just progressed from there

puppyfish

we started out with puppy
but he wants to be a fish

hemingway

we were considering the merits
of daddy or papa
we're trying out papa
do you think you'd be very difficult to seduce papa
i have coffee
and flaky buttery croissants

truth is stranger than fiction

i had a conversation last night
with a guy i know
and he just got married
and thinks i'm unbelievably old
so i don't think there's any way he's flirting with me
and
i can't think of any other reason for him to be blowing smoke up my ass
but
here's what was said


i was saying that i didn't like this bossy chick
and then i asked him:

do you think i'm a bad person

cause
i don't know
not really because i said i didn't like her
more because i sometimes wonder if i really am bad
for other reasons
but it worked marginally in context here
so i threw it in

he said:
no
i think i'm really lucky to know you

which i thought he might be being facetious

but then he said:
having a conversation with you
is like talking to a really great writer whose books you just haven't read yet

now i'm trying to remember
have i told him i write
cause i don't usually tell people that

have i told you that i write

no, he says
but of course you write
and then he says something about my vocabulary


now, i don't know
this guy messes with me a lot
but this isn't his style of messing with me
so i think this was legit
which is kinda cool

but
as fiction
this would be a completely unbelievable conversation