I didn't understand

I've caught up 

I understand 

BUT 

I can't unhear that stuff 

I have little belief that this will post, but if it does it's a sign

I thought 

THIS

was what you wanted 

that you were saying you wanted to 

like forever be here for THIS 

& that you were trying to 

let me see that you

were really 

committing to some

life of the mind

with me

I thought there was some

possibly 

that you wanted

to get to know me irl

to see

BUT 

I thought

when this went down 

I needed to TRY to maintain 

SO

I tried to use other channels 

I wasn't gonna be all

bare my soul

in public

although I kinda did

BUT 

you don't really 

LIKE me, I think 

MAYBE 

I'm somehow more an IDEA 

which I would say is 

FAIR 

except I've been baring my soul to you for twenty something years

I needed to focus on my own head 

for a minute 

& the universe broke my blog

to give me the opportunity 

& you immediately 

realize you are

done with me

SO

MAYBE 

that was what needed to happen 

I hope that was true 

that you were

BETTER 

thank you for breaking my brain

thank you for being there 

making me feel

loved and cared for

thank you 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm sorry 

I wasn't enough 

it let me post -- check in may 27th

I have been 

EXTREMELY 

caught up in an anxious

paranoid perspective spinning

thing

while I've been going through this whatever it was

I don't know whether I was too caught up

in the feeling that

EVERYTHING OUTSIDE of ME 

was AGAINST me

OR

WHAT

BUT 

I'm still getting things done

& I feel SO MUCH 

more normal today 

I threw away

didn't even donate

a baby blanket that I crocheted

granny squares

when I was like eleven 

I'm not sure WHY I made a baby blanket 

I didn't give it to deborah for John

maybe I had thought I would 

BUT 

when she asked me 

I said no

& THEN when I was cleaning out my mom's garage 

THERE it suddenly was AGAIN 

& I took it

BUT 

it has no happy memories 

ONLY 

BAD

ones

it was in a plastic bag 

it LOOKED clean

I didn't even take it out of the bag to look

I just threw it away

I kept the baseball yarmulke I won on theme park 

I don't use it

BUT 

it made me 

happy 

& it's pretty small

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

test check in may 25th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I didn't know it would let me post

I just wanted to say

I LOVE you 

🫶

I

LOVE 

YOU 

since it's posting let see if it keeps posting

I have she's so heavy 

stuck in my head 

not the whole song

just that line over and over again 

& I don't know how to interpret that 

I hope this posts because I've already written it

I think I missed 

a lot of 

POSTS

I was working

& I wasn't 

paying much attention 

because I was in a

I don't know what is going on with me thing

which I thought I told you

BUT 

maybe I didn't 

I wasn't trying to be an *ssh*le

I'm just trying to get my own head together 

I am sorry that I didn't keep up 

& probably didn't let you know properly

what was going on with me 

I have reduced capacity to figure out what is 

going on & I really need to figure things 

out 

I'm sorry 

if I've ruined it

please know I love you

& I didn't mean to hurt you

I really did honestly think

I had communicated

why I was not engaging as much

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

test -- it's working now so I'll post this although I'm still not sure I have any idea what's going on

I've been throwing things away

I'm FOCUSING on 

getting to

a point

I thought you want me to be

BUT 

NOW

I'm not certain I'm right 

I had a dream about you 

you were whispering 

to me

I thought I understood 

BUT 

I've been kinda messed up in my head

with getting myself 

ME

I need a little TIME focused on me

to get me to the point where

I can do the stuff I need to DO 

PLUS 

this thing only sometimes posts

BUT 

I NOW see that

I might have been wrong 

about what I thought was going on

I'm not sure where I lost the thread

I'm not sure 

WHAT

you think I've said 

I THOUGHT 

it's a beautiful 

country

I'm confused though

I LOVE you VERY much 

I have only ever wanted you to be happy 

I'm sorry if I messed that up

test - ok since it'll let me post - check in may 20th

I really don't know why this thing

posts sometimes 

& doesn't post

other times 

I really do think

it's the universe trying to get me to

do or not do things

BUT 

it's erratic and 

STRANGE

I had

what felt like 

QUANTUM entanglement 

pretty strongly 

I'm using my thumb nails to play

because thumbs aren't loud enough 

& hurt

but it's slower & not as accurate 

SO

if I'm going to improve 

I'm wondering if 

duct tape

might work 

anyway

I like some it

BUT 

I guess the limited palate of notes

does give a more limited

range of notes

I was just surprised because they

SOUNDED more different 

when I was recording them

I love the wa wa sound

the buzz is sometimes great

& sometimes a little much

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I might be getting a handle on the sleep cycle

I'm not sure if that's the thing to do

or not

the PROCESSING 

or has been 

better

BUT 

maybe it isn't now

I was feeling like I was making good progress 

but I had this last little bit 

hasn't felt like progress

it doesn't feel like 

I know what's going on 

which is a little scary 

I might be able to play this, must build sustainable thumb calluses

my thumbs already hurt

LOOK 

I love you

& if you decide 

I'm too difficult I'm not gonna blame you

BUT 

I don't want to assume that your 

LOVE

is going to go away 

THAT'S 

a thing I have trouble with from my 

family of origin

I think you are

MAGIC 

if I don't tell you the right way

at the right time 

I still think

you're 

MAGIC 

update

the package got here really quick 

it shipped friday 

it's already 

here

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

it's more difficult than it looked

will you post this

I suddenly have to tell you

I ordered the kalimba

on some level

to play with you 

or for you

& I'm not saying 

NO to anything 

let's see if it lets me post this

I can tell something is going on

I'm not sure what 

I'm definitely having emotions 

that I don't know where they're coming from 

SO

I'm trying to find my brain 

I'm trying to do it quickly 

this tension 

throws me off

I want to be 

NOT

some weird way I've been before 

I want to be

OPEN 

to whatever goodness is possible 

NOT

limited by my past pattern

YOU 

are the only thing that has ever made me want to

LIVE

THAT sounds slightly psychotic 

we've talked about it before 

but I guess what I want to underscore here is

YOU gave me HOPE 

for LIFE 

I want to know you as well as I can

I don't want to hurt you or trap you in any way 

I feel like there's something 

I'm not doing or saying 

BUT 

I don't know if that's because I'm picking it up 

OR

if I'm having some fall back paranoia 

check in may 18th

TODAY 

it's letting me post 

what's up with that

I'm sad

& I keep hearing 

the sound clip of the buzzy kalimba

SO

what does that mean

I can't imagine that anything I said 

about myself was offensive 

& honestly I'm at a point where 

MAYBE 

I should be less concerned about being offensive 

BUT 

I don't understand why I'm sad

are you quitting me

I'm so weird

I'm guessing I'm right

BECAUSE 

I'm hearing 

under african skies

in my HEAD 

more thoughts

I had trouble posting 

& I decided 

THAT

was the universe telling me 

I needed to write 

on substack

& I was

going to

I was trying to figure out 

HOW 

& I started this thing

that I THOUGHT I liked

BUT 

then I got up

& I read a thing

& I went back to sleep 

& had some DREAMS 

& the dreams 

didn't make sense 

I don't know how much that influenced 

check in may 16th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

bespoke dances not social constructs

I found a video 

which 

finally explained for me

what I've been trying to explain 

for years

it really helped me 

ALSO

bespoke dances

tall in the saddle

after the dream of falling & calling your name out

these are the roots of rhythm 

& roots of rhythm remain 

the personal vibration 

the wave

of the person

is important to me 

I interact with that

it was a good day

I think it's an

EARWORM 

I've been hearing it

ALL day 

I think 

between all the permutations of

mbira/kalimba/kongoma/

etc

there are lots of 

sound variations 

I'm getting 

KINDA

like I got with chords

only I have more

EXCITEMENT 

it's supposed to ship tomorrow 

I have this

unified front of excitement 

ALL the PARTS 

are LIKE 

we play an instrument 

NOW 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I FEEL 

FUN-er

for a while

I don't think I've felt fun at all

for a while now

I'm like the full spectrum of 

the goofiest woody guthrie song he wrote for his kids about hanukkah to

some extended

julian cope

poet is 

priest

mix

&

I'm into it

I'm going to try to sleep 

YOU are MAGIC 

test

it wouldn't let me post again 

the universe 

may be

telling me 

SOMETHING 

if you have gaps in communication from me

KNOW that it's not that 

I've stopped 

it's that I'm having 

technical difficulties 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

YOU are MAGIC