will it post

I can still feel you though

even though

what does that mean 

will it post

I WANTED to be 

KEROUAC 

I wanted to be hunter s. thompson 

I wanted to write stories 

but all I ever got was

shut out pathetic groupie

and that wasn't a story I wanted to write 

I never wanted to be a stage performer 

I wanted to pay for half the gasoline 

do half the driving

BUT 

we don't seem to be friends 

and that breaks me

if it posts it posts

I thought we were friends 

who had seen each other through things

been there for each other

BUT 

you think all these bad things about me

& it doesn't seem like any good ones

I'm not attractive to you 

I don't understand why you would 

even want anything from me 

I'm broken enough 

I thought 

I really thought you loved me

and that you were like my

daddy and just hurt

BUT 

I just don't know what to think now

will it post

everything I ever told you

was true when I told it to you

if my story is different now

it's because my perspective changed

over time

I LOVE you VERY much 

I wish you had told me

you didn't like me

will it post

I'm not sure why

you keep expecting me to have

skills I've been telling you for

like twenty years

I don't have 

and the dumpy fatty thing

although I own it

did hurt

please post

I'm trying not to be all crazy

I know I didn't tell you

you looked good enough to eat

or how amazing you sounded

I may not have even told you safe travels too

I don't know what I said

or how it sounded

& that's probably normal 

but I know I talk in ways that can be interpreted 

differently & I can't help it 

BUT 

I'm getting sh*t in my head

that makes me think

I upset you

& that was not my intention 

the happiest moment of my life 

was that look on your face in the last group meeting 

& I misinterpreted what that meant

SO

I just am trying to be real

& if it's lacking

fair enough 

BUT 

KNOW that none of it is trying to away from that beautiful look

please post

I'm going to make that private 

because it's not messages

to you

it's things for me to reference 

will you post

because what I was going to say

was that I had thought

about what I

wanted to say to you

there's always something 

I'm supposed to be 

telling you 

I'm never sure what 

& somehow if I could tell you

some wall or gateway

SOMETHING 

& I was always thinking 

it had something to do with s*x

but as I was watching you

& I just decided 

that what it is

is I don't think I can live without you 

will this post

I've got 

woody guthrie singing 

so long it's been good to know ya

playing in my HEAD 

you sure you don't want to 

pre-frame me something else 

self- fulfilling prophecy 

& all that jazz

please please please post

what I'm saying is 

I apologize for my daddy issues 

& personal fears

interfering with 

my understanding of how I was taking your love

& not giving you the ability to

perform for me

& have me

give YOU the love & support YOU deserved

I always want to be with you 

I want to share things with you 

& I think you don't want 

to spend time with me

you want me to 

do the one thing and then leave you to yourself 

& THEN

when you WANT MORE i don't understand 

& it triggers me

THEN

you got mad, I thought, and you sounded like

my daddy & it triggered me HARD 

I don't really want to be a bright spot

I think I did

BUT 

I didn't want you to mentor me

I wanted you to love me

& I resist being 

cultivated 

I WANTED the LOVE 

I WANT to have the love

BUT 

I didn't want to be crossed off the list

LIKE 

well now I've got that settled

I can go off and do something else 

I have never had a good first experience 

it's more of a cultivation thing

& I thought you would be like

well, that totally wasn't worth it

& BREAK me in a way I couldn't bear

I was so addicted to the intimacy 

I would not do my OWN work 

I ONLY wanted to write for you

I thought

HOW can we ever do this in real life

BUT maybe it isn't about THAT 

if you are dumping me

because you need to LOVE the one you are creatively involved with 

then I can't be that person anymore 

because you guys are a great team

& I wouldn't want to mess that up in any way

& I don't want THAT relationship anyway 

what I WANT

which I've probably never SAID 

is to do my OWN work 

& LOVE you

& I couldn't find myself untill I was in my OWN HEAD 

I NEVER thought I'd LOSE you

& I see I took you for granted 

& I thought it was being evolved and learning 

to let you GO for your own good

& I will 

BUT 

before you leave me & break my heart

I WANT as MUCH of YOU as I can have 

I WILLING to be broken

by your weird no boundaries thing

OR have you scream at me

& call me names for not giving you what you ask for that I didn't really understand 

like I said in Monterey

you are the love of my life 

& I don't want to miss any part of that

I have adventures 

& I got all messed up in the autistic analysis 

& action paralysis 

& I got boring

& I thought you needed the contact

because you freaked out

when I didn't 

I don't think I would make a good wife

& I'm not trying to screw up

the obviously workable 

& probably great

relationship you have there

& even if I got good enough to travel with you 

I mean that wouldn't be ok

SO

I thought you probably didn't mean that

it was a fantasy or a metaphor 

& you can be patient with me 

long enough for me to 

find something on my phone 

WHY would I believe that could ever work 

I wanted you & I seemed to be in the ONLY configuration that worked

& you were (maybe) waiting for me to

present you with another one 

& you didn't want to give me as the person I loved MOST in the world 

the things you were perfectly willing to give

when YOU were setting down

YOUR boundaries 

& it SEEMED 

OFF

BUT 

you have given me true love

you're the man I dream about

you're the man I long for

I want YOU 

but I can't be addicted to you 

YOU are NOT in person with me 

any less remote & tentative 

than I am with you 

maybe if we were friends 

I could get more of that beautiful mind

I'm not lying that I'm attracted to you 

but you're like two different people 

I didn't finish what I want

I WANT you to work with the one with whom

you will get the most value

& do the most good

I want to not be addicted to you 

so I can get stable in my OWN whatever 

I see HOW since what I WANTED was your LOVE 

I never could do anything else 

I still want to WRITE to you

I still want to LOVE you

I still want to watch you & read you mind

if none of that WORKS 

then I get it

BUT 

if you leave me

& I never kissed you

I think that would break me more

what I'm saying is 

I don't expect to be forgiven for 

NOT doing any of the things you needed

OR being afraid of your scariness

BUT 

If it's good bye 

then I'm willing to buy the e-ticket 

because you are the BEST

thing that has ever happened to me 

& I don't want to leave anything 

for the swim back

please please please post

is there something wrong with me

when I say

I can't miss you anymore 

I think that means 

I need to see you

BUT 

I'm so paranoid 

I ask Google 

& it says 

that means 

I'm breaking up with you 

I want 

NOT 

to do that

unless you're through with me

if this posts then I guess it posts

you have a better person to be 

your keeper 

you have a better person to be 

your bright spot

you're not my daddy 

you don't need to wait around 

for me to figure out my sh*t

WHY 

anything we could have

would jeopardize 

something 

that does more for you

as your friend 

if I am your friend 

FLY be free

I'll figure out my sh*t

I guarantee 

I'm more trouble than I'm worth

I'm all the things you said

it hurts 

BUT 

it's FAIR 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I hope you have 

all your dreams come true

I didn't understand

I've caught up 

I understand 

BUT 

I can't unhear that stuff 

I have little belief that this will post, but if it does it's a sign

I thought 

THIS

was what you wanted 

that you were saying you wanted to 

like forever be here for THIS 

& that you were trying to 

let me see that you

were really 

committing to some

life of the mind

with me

I thought there was some

possibly 

that you wanted

to get to know me irl

to see

BUT 

I thought

when this went down 

I needed to TRY to maintain 

SO

I tried to use other channels 

I wasn't gonna be all

bare my soul

in public

although I kinda did

BUT 

you don't really 

LIKE me, I think 

MAYBE 

I'm somehow more an IDEA 

which I would say is 

FAIR 

except I've been baring my soul to you for twenty something years

I needed to focus on my own head 

for a minute 

& the universe broke my blog

to give me the opportunity 

& you immediately 

realize you are

done with me

SO

MAYBE 

that was what needed to happen 

I hope that was true 

that you were

BETTER 

thank you for breaking my brain

thank you for being there 

making me feel

loved and cared for

thank you 

I LOVE you VERY much 

I'm sorry 

I wasn't enough 

it let me post -- check in may 27th

I have been 

EXTREMELY 

caught up in an anxious

paranoid perspective spinning

thing

while I've been going through this whatever it was

I don't know whether I was too caught up

in the feeling that

EVERYTHING OUTSIDE of ME 

was AGAINST me

OR

WHAT

BUT 

I'm still getting things done

& I feel SO MUCH 

more normal today 

I threw away

didn't even donate

a baby blanket that I crocheted

granny squares

when I was like eleven 

I'm not sure WHY I made a baby blanket 

I didn't give it to deborah for John

maybe I had thought I would 

BUT 

when she asked me 

I said no

& THEN when I was cleaning out my mom's garage 

THERE it suddenly was AGAIN 

& I took it

BUT 

it has no happy memories 

ONLY 

BAD

ones

it was in a plastic bag 

it LOOKED clean

I didn't even take it out of the bag to look

I just threw it away

I kept the baseball yarmulke I won on theme park 

I don't use it

BUT 

it made me 

happy 

& it's pretty small

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

test check in may 25th

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I didn't know it would let me post

I just wanted to say

I LOVE you 

🫶

I

LOVE 

YOU 

since it's posting let see if it keeps posting

I have she's so heavy 

stuck in my head 

not the whole song

just that line over and over again 

& I don't know how to interpret that 

I hope this posts because I've already written it

I think I missed 

a lot of 

POSTS

I was working

& I wasn't 

paying much attention 

because I was in a

I don't know what is going on with me thing

which I thought I told you

BUT 

maybe I didn't 

I wasn't trying to be an *ssh*le

I'm just trying to get my own head together 

I am sorry that I didn't keep up 

& probably didn't let you know properly

what was going on with me 

I have reduced capacity to figure out what is 

going on & I really need to figure things 

out 

I'm sorry 

if I've ruined it

please know I love you

& I didn't mean to hurt you

I really did honestly think

I had communicated

why I was not engaging as much

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

test -- it's working now so I'll post this although I'm still not sure I have any idea what's going on

I've been throwing things away

I'm FOCUSING on 

getting to

a point

I thought you want me to be

BUT 

NOW

I'm not certain I'm right 

I had a dream about you 

you were whispering 

to me

I thought I understood 

BUT 

I've been kinda messed up in my head

with getting myself 

ME

I need a little TIME focused on me

to get me to the point where

I can do the stuff I need to DO 

PLUS 

this thing only sometimes posts

BUT 

I NOW see that

I might have been wrong 

about what I thought was going on

I'm not sure where I lost the thread

I'm not sure 

WHAT

you think I've said 

I THOUGHT 

it's a beautiful 

country

I'm confused though

I LOVE you VERY much 

I have only ever wanted you to be happy 

I'm sorry if I messed that up

test - ok since it'll let me post - check in may 20th

I really don't know why this thing

posts sometimes 

& doesn't post

other times 

I really do think

it's the universe trying to get me to

do or not do things

BUT 

it's erratic and 

STRANGE

I had

what felt like 

QUANTUM entanglement 

pretty strongly 

I'm using my thumb nails to play

because thumbs aren't loud enough 

& hurt

but it's slower & not as accurate 

SO

if I'm going to improve 

I'm wondering if 

duct tape

might work 

anyway

I like some it

BUT 

I guess the limited palate of notes

does give a more limited

range of notes

I was just surprised because they

SOUNDED more different 

when I was recording them

I love the wa wa sound

the buzz is sometimes great

& sometimes a little much

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I might be getting a handle on the sleep cycle

I'm not sure if that's the thing to do

or not

the PROCESSING 

or has been 

better

BUT 

maybe it isn't now

I was feeling like I was making good progress 

but I had this last little bit 

hasn't felt like progress

it doesn't feel like 

I know what's going on 

which is a little scary