Goodnight sweetheart

I'm gonna sleep for a little while

I love you very much 💋

🧲⚙️

I'm gonna sleep sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

 LaBare not The Bear

Okay well I didn't really go anywhere but I did drive around

I drove down fountainview to San Felipe and then to chimney Rock and then to Westheimer and then to Yorktown and then to sage and then to West Park and then west on West Park to Kirby and then Kirby to bissonnet bissonnet back down to sage sage to Richmond to well it's hillcroft there and then when you cross Westheimer it becomes Voss down to the whole foods on Voss and that driving around part before the whole foods stop was about an hour give or take and then I went into whole foods to get some soy milk which I thought would be no problem but there was no soy milk at the whole foods apparently soy milk is canceled

So they had one soy milk which upon closer inspection wasn't actually soy milk it was I got very excited and in fact I didn't notice this until I got home but it was by forager which is a brand that has all kind of nut milks and stuff and that yogurts well when I got home and looked at it it's actually soy milk with coconut cream and cashew in it so it doesn't taste right I mean it's okay but it's not good I'm kind of disgruntly

but I wandered around in the whole foods for I don't know probably almost an hour which is the kind of thing I do well historically

Now when I go to the grocery store I like plan where I'm going ahead of time and like you know practically sprint through the f****** store so that even with checkout I'm not usually there for longer than 30 minutes but there weren't too many people in the whole foods except for people who were working at the whole foods

And then just because I felt bad that I hadn't actually gone anywhere I went into the blue mercury which is some fancy skin care store that I've walked by and looked in the window but have never gone in and you know whatever it's all pretty expensive stuff

And nobody acknowledged me or said hi when I came in the door although they were talking to other people so maybe it's not there thing to greet people I don't know but they might have also looked at me and said yeah she's not our customer

And they're right I'm not their customer

Then I got back in the car and I drove down woodway to fountainview to San Felipe to Augusta to Burgoyne to in the back way sideway whatever the entrance

I did learn something though

LeBare which I don't know I think they have them I think it's a franchise I think they have a mother places but I could be wrong but it's a strip club for women where men strip

Which I've never been to because eww

They had a sign up that said thank you for 42 wonderful years

So I guess they closed at some point during the pandemic

Which I mean makes sense

But my guess would be that they've been closed for probably almost 2 years now

Because my guess is that they closed when all the bars had to close and they probably just never reopened but I could be wrong

So when I went to bed last night it was my plan to get up at like 10:00 or 10:30 this morning and driving my car around because you know it's been another week and I've got to drive it I really need to drive it more than once a week but when the battery is new probably once a week be enough to do it but has the battery gets a little older and it gets less and less time in it's going to need to be driven more frequently so I really need to get back in the habit of driving

So when I woke up at 10:30 I had a really bad headache so I was like okay I will take a time and all and I will go back to bed for an hour and then I will get up and when that alarm went off it said at 4:00 12:30 and then I said it for 1:30 and then I didn't set it anymore and I didn't wake up until 6:00 so I don't really know how I slept that long

And I was going to go to sleep I don't know I had a couple of different plans One of my plans was to just stay up for 24 hours until 6:00 p.m. and then sleep 12 hours and get up at 6:00 a.m. the next day because that 24 and 12 thing seemed like it worked for a while but then I thought well no I'll go to bed and I'll just sleep for 4 hours or so and then I'll get up and drive the car around early in the morning but you know now it's 4:30 so my choices are I can stay up and go drive the car but it's not going to be late until like 7:30 or I could sleep for a few hours and get up and do it but I don't know if I trust myself to get up and do it

But and I'm not really sleepy but I am kind of I don't know tired maybe isn't the right word exactly slightly disoriented I feel like I've been awake for a really long time and I'm not terribly coherent but I really haven't been awake for that long

I'm really not sure what I've been doing for the last 4 hours

So I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to go lay down and listen to book tape

I'm really enjoying the moonstone but I have not gotten very far at all

And normally I would take some melatonin because if I don't take melatonin then when I wake up in a few hours I won't be able to go back to sleep but since what I want is to not be able to go back to sleep because I want to get up but then again I don't know if I'll be able to go to sleep

But I guess if I can't go to sleep then when it's 7:30 I'll just get up and go drive around I don't know

I have several different thoughts

Maybe I will go and have breakfast

I probably need to go to the grocery store because I'm almost completely out of soy milk

And I'm getting low on grapefruit juice

And those are both things that I require for my day-to-day

And I could absolutely have them delivered but if I need to go out and drive I could also while I'm out pick that up

But I can't just drive to pick that up because that isn't far enough driving

I don't know about the breakfast though

I mean I guess early breakfast on a Sunday could work and not be too crowded

Because the people who go to church will be out of church yet and the people don't go to church won't be awake yet maybe

When I went to the was going to go I should say to the museum the other day that might not have worked anyway because I've looked it up now and they have timed entry so I don't know you know so they don't get too many people in there I don't know what they do if you just show up maybe they save a certain number of timed entries for people who just show up

I could go to the zoo

I feel like if I'm trying to get myself over the fear I should probably go somewhere since just driving around in my car doesn't really change anything although I seem to have trouble getting myself to do that too but I feel like at some point I should move beyond just driving around in my car

Anyway I don't know

One thing that's interesting about the moonstone is I'm listening to this narration piece that's by the Steward I think I told you about that maybe not but what I didn't mention was the sky he has maybe read it so maybe you know this but he has Robinson Crusoe as kind of like his Bible and that struck me it's kind of interesting because I mean of course Robinson Crusoe is you know classic literature and I'm sure I've read excerpts out of it but I've not read the whole thing for sure it never really interested me to read the whole thing it's been used for tropes so much for just everything but I was like huh

Because Collins is character who's narrating her well who's writing the story he writes the he writes a story and his daughter looks over his shoulder and is like that's not what you're supposed to do you're just writing about you and he says I wonder if writers ever get distracted by themselves right and I thought that was a very like you know third wall winky winky kind of moment and so I wondered if having Robinson Crusoe was a kind of a humor thing as well that I just wasn't really getting and so I looked it up and it was written quite a bit earlier was written in 1719 whereas the moonstone is written in 1868 I think maybe 1865 1866 somewhere in there but I think it's 1868

But Robinson Crusoe is credited by some as being the first novel maybe the first modern novel I'm uncertain because I thought Don Quixote was credited as being the first novel and possibly something else but maybe what they mean is the first English language novel

And of course the moonstone is credited with being the first mystery and so maybe it's like a wink and a nudge you know a cam doing a new thing here but maybe not maybe there's something else completely that if I read Robinson Crusoe I would get the joke because I'm pretty sure there is a joke there I'm just not sure if it's worth 10 hours of listening to Robinson Crusoe to get the joke

But I looked and there was a free version so I may maybe we'll see

Also I got interested in the Wilkie Collins guy and I looked him up and he seems like he was kind of an interesting auntie establishment cat really really auntie really and ty no

Anti-establishment there we go knew you'd get there in the end

Anyway

Off to maybe sleep for a few hours

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very much

💋

🧲⚙️

I'm up

and

going to shower

and blah blah

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm gonna sleep

but my plan is to be up by 10

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well after trying to get into the department of sensitive crimes and failing to become involved with the narrative

I have moved on to the moonstone

Now I did see a film version of that before so I have some idea of what happens

But I think it was still be different to listen to it

And I'm hopeful that I will enjoy it

I'm going to try to sleep a little bit now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I love you sweetheart

very much indeed💋

 i tried to go to the museum thursday

i did drive around

but

i didn't make it to the museum

i got almost to kirby, not quite

and then my stomach started to hurt really bad

i thought i might throw up

or maybe shit myself

so

i decided to try to go to cleburne

but

the parking lot was packed  packed

and i couldn't do that either

so i managed to stop at the donut place

which, at about 1pm was  empty

goodnight sweetheart  *kiss*

i love you very much

You have such a great smile

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I'm going to bed now

💋 goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much💋

Goodnight sweetheart 💋

I love you

very much

Goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I dreamed I was graduating with honors from some school that was not a regular school but I don't know in what way it was different than normal

And one of the things that I was allowed to do because I was graduating with honors and I guess not regular honors because a lot of people would graduate with honors this was like it just me thing

I was allowed to go around to these very prestigious schools and look through their libraries and take out books to put in my special library back at my school

And the first place I just went down the stairs and threw a door and found the library without finding a map or having anybody tell me I just went straight to it like I was drawn to it and there was this section with all these old books

And I just pulled off this entire section of these like ancient Polish folktale kind of books I don't know why

There were books from all different countries but it was the Polish ones that I pulled off

What do you think that means

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 also

and this may be a sad thing

or a crazy thing

but

i bought a doll

https://www.ebay.com/itm/144266929804

i don't necessarily think it looks like me

but

it touched me 

Parties

Got me thinking we didn't really have any parties

Like I remember my stepmother One year she was trying to have a party I want to say it was a New Year's party and she was working at that time at the telephone company I think so she invited a bunch of people from work and I think my father might have been supposed to invite people from work but maybe not I don't know if he did if he was supposed to I don't think he actually invited them so Deborah invited all these people

And you know we cleaned the house up real good and she put non-smoking signs on every single surface and this was at a time when there was no place telling you you couldn't smoke you smoking movie theaters you know it was like I don't know 1975 1976 something like that

But she was an early adopter of the non-smoking so she put non-smoking signs on every conceivable surface and so I mean assuming that people came they wouldn't feel very comfortable but only two people showed up I think it was somebody who was really new at the company and didn't know that you know nobody liked Deborah they just thought it was a party and they came and they brought a bottle of pink champagne and you know they sat around for I don't know an hour or two but there was like no music I don't think there was no I mean there was nothing there were some you know like maybe chips and dip or something but there was nothing at all if there weren't people wandering around talking and nobody came so after a couple of hours they like took their champagne back and left

That was the only party that any configuration of my parents ever had I mean my mom had gallery openings and we went to some other parties

I know Jason had birthday parties I don't know if he had them every year or not but I think I only had three birthday parties while I was a kid well I mean

Let me qualify that I have never had a birthday party that I threw for myself as an adult or whatever

I have worked for places that threw me birthday parties and I've certainly done things for my birthday

But I mean you know no one's ever thrown me a party that was a non-work party nor did I ever want them to I never wanted to have a big party

But in the time I was a kid I had a party for my fourth birthday I guess or my aunt Edith dressed up like a clown and I had some friends over I don't know exactly who I had over I know I had Ian who was my best friend when I was little his parents were Edith's friends and they had a health food store and they moved away when Ian was maybe four or five but he was still I think they went to Boston actually but he was still around and I think my mother had probably just met Cholla who wasn't yet Cholla so Gigi was there but I don't know who else was there I must have been some random neighborhood kids that they scraped up from somewhere or children of friends of somebody and I don't know

And then I had a birthday party with other kids when I was I'm not sure how old I was I had to probably been like eight or nine I know we didn't have it when we lived at the nice apartment it was after we moved to the trashy apartment but I had chicken pox when we were in the nice apartments so and besides I remember it being at the trash department it was when Jaws was like a huge thing though and I thought up this game and I think this was like pivotally part of the reason why I wanted to have a party cuz I had thought up this pin the girl in jaws's mouth and I thought that was just hysterically funny and cool

And so did Deborah and so she made the you know poster board with the painted shark and the little you know I think we probably used some kind of a paper doll Barbie or something to be the girl but maybe not I don't remember exactly but anyway her rich sister the one whose husband had a company of some sort they lived in the trailer with the foundation she thought it was a cool idea and she managed to get it into the paper somehow so she talked to somebody at the newspaper and then maybe Debra also talked to them and so there was this whole thing in the paper about my game but I got no credit for it at all Deborah just totally said she thought it up and I was so pissed I mean on the one hand it didn't really matter but on the other hand I mean come on

And I don't really remember who was there I mean just people in which school with I guess I don't even really know that I had that many friends at that point

And then when I was going to the patch school so I don't know my 11th or 12th birthday I guess and that we didn't have a party at my house because I mean my mother would have had to clean up or let people in the house with it the way it was one or the other neither of which were acceptable so we had a party that was like we went out to eat at Baba yagas and then we went to the River oaks theater and saw movies we saw I know we saw the 7% solution at least I'm pretty sure but I don't remember what the other movie was that makes me sad that I can't think what the other movie was because I really think that the other movie was the movie that I specifically wanted to see because I don't think I'd seen the 7% solution before so I think that was like new I just don't know I don't think it was Sherlock Holmes smarter brother but it might have been

Anyway I don't remember maybe I'll remember later but I actually got some sort of public reprimanding at patch school from the principal about it because it was too lavish or ostentatious or expensive or something and I was like you know we all had sandwiches and we went to a movie and you know I haven't had a birthday party for like the last 4 years

But for some reason I had to justify it I don't remember I think she decided that I was too status conscious which was ridiculous because I was wearing like hand me down polyester double knit with pressed in sewn in pleats and some of the other kids were wearing designer clothes you know I mean it just doesn't make sense to me but she decided I was bad probably because the first year I went to school there she asked me where we were going on vacation for the summer and I'm like oh I don't think we have money to go on vacation I don't think we're going anywhere and so she was going home to visit her family and so she told my mother that you know her son was taking his best friend along and she wouldn't mind having another kid along so did I you know want to go

And I told my mother no I didn't want to go because I really didn't want her to know that much about me I really didn't feel like it was going to serve me well to have the principal be all up in my business but my mother made it very clear that if I didn't go I was going to regret it for the rest of my life and she meant like oh this is a great opportunity you'll see lots of good stuff and you know you'll regret not having gone but that was a really what she meant what she really meant was she would go make me regret it for the rest of my life so I figured I may as well go and suffer the consequences

And you know I think the point at which she decided she hated me was when we went to see the Mayflower museum and I was like oh I bet this is the person I'm related to and she was Portuguese and I gather from things that I've learned way way later that there are some tensions there but I was in no way trying to activate any of that Plus I think I said something about we went to see a bunch of the rich people's mansions in Rhode Island

And I think I said something about you know how much would a house like this sell for and she said well you know this is a historical landmark and there's no way it would ever be sold and I think I probably said something like oh if you waved enough money in front of them I'm sure they would sell it

Which I kind of halfway standby still but I mean I was very young and I feel like that probably was more representative of things that I had heard my mother say than of actual thoughts I had really thought through

But so she decided that I was some kind of rich person I guess I don't know I really don't understand but she really did not like me and the whole rest of the time I was there she like had it out for me

which is not to say that she persecuted me most of the time it was fine but anytime there was something where she could air on the side of I really needed to be taught the way things were then I was going to have some kind of an intervention

And you know I probably did need to be taught the way things were but that wasn't really the way to teach me You know I mean really that had no positive effect on me

Now I mean I did have birthdays

But it would usually just be you know some configuration of immediate family and a cake

And the parties that my family had were always just you know like holidays get together kind of things and they were always kind of a fiasco

And I know I went to a went to a few parties

My mother went to a party that was thrown by somebody we knew from the Renaissance festival and they had a punch bowl that was a champagne punch I think it was pink champagne with strawberries in it

And I wasn't drinking the punch because you know it's alcohol and I was I don't know probably probably for that party I was not yet 11 that was probably the same like new year that I would have turned 11 after but I wasn't quite 11 yet and it was in like her you know condo or something and I wasn't drinking punch because it was alcohol and I was a kid and I wasn't supposed to drink alcohol but I was taking the strawberries out of it and eating the strawberries and you know I didn't know this and my mother didn't know this but if you put fruit into alcohol it soaks up the alcohol so by eating the strawberries I was actually getting more alcohol probably than if I had just drunk a little bit of the champagne Plus I was eating a bunch of strawberries cuz you know they were good and so I got kind of dizzy and fell over and it was humorous quite humorous I had to go lay down

But I've never ever had a party that I threw

Did your parents actually have parties and they wanted you to do things for their guests

Is it like a real thing

I wasn't even really allowed to have people for sleepovers

Like maybe twice

Maybe not though maybe I went to other people's sleepovers but even that not very often

Hi heard about something today it's called like BFF bumble or BFF bumblebee or some s*** like that I don't know it's some app where I think a part of it might be a dating app but the BFF part is for making friends

And I was watching this thing in the sky said his therapist recommended to him that he uses app and try to make some friends and I'm like I'm kind of like why would you want to have friends

And I don't know That's probably not fair most people like I've had friends that I work with but they're you know they're like work friends and some of them I've gone and done things with and you know like I know Misty when I was friends with Misty if I would say that I had done something like oh I went and saw a movie or I went and did XYZ on my day off she would be like what didn't you call me

And it never would have occurred to me to call her because a I would probably rather do it by myself You know if you're going to do something that isn't really something that the other person would want to do then you're going to have to change all the stuff you want to do so that it's something that they want to do and then you're not having a good time you know I did go to the Renaissance festival with her one time and we had a really good time so I'm not saying I couldn't go someplace with her and have a good time I'm just saying that you know if I'm going to do something by myself it doesn't occur to me to think who could I involve in this activity with me

Because I'm a person who you know I'd really rather do it alone because then I can go at my own pace and think my thoughts and write my inner dialogue and whatever stuff that I do that's freaky and other people don't do but I interact with the world in a different way and if I'm interacting with another person I'm not really doing that and I enjoy my process I guess so I mean if it's something that they would like to do and I would like to do and we're going to do it together and it's going to be a fun thing and we're going to plan it in advance and whatever okay

But I would not want somebody to call me at the last minute and say hey you want to go do this because I'm not prepared you know I got to psych myself up for that s*** I'm not like just leaving at the spur of the moment I mean not even before I became an agoraphobic or whatever I am now

But Misty is the kind of person that apparently most people are where they don't like to be alone it makes them unhappy to be alone they're lonely when they're alone and so they're trying to fill their time with other people

But I was thinking about the BFF bumble or whatever the f*** and I was like you know it would be great to have somebody who was you know really intellectually stimulating that I could go see a museum show and talk about it you know or go see a foreign film and talk about it I've never really had a friend like that

So I was curious about the BFF thing and I looked it up on YouTube and I just scrolled through like I didn't read any of the the titles or anything I just scrolled through the ones that were about the BFF thing and looked for a person who looked like somebody that I might want to be friends with

And I know that sounds terrible because it's you know all external and visual-based and whatever but I mean you know it wasn't like I was looking for the prettiest one whatever the f*** that means it was just like oh no I could tell from that person's makeup and clothes that they are just on a different wavelength in me through like almost the whole list and then I saw one person who looked like I mean almost exactly like a blonde Shoshanna actually and I'm like wait her

She probably too young she wouldn't want to be friends with me but I want to let her explain to me about the BFF thing right

So she's from Austin and she's an illustrator and she makes bras like you know bootleg homemade bras or something right so I mean she's probably semi interesting but she was talking about it and she was like you know you have to make your thing and really what people tend to do is is write something like hey I'm looking for some girly to hang out by the river and drink beers and go to brunch and she's like but you know everybody likes to drink beers by the river and go to brunch so you know that's not differentiating yourself and I'm like yeah I would never say that because I wouldn't want to do that but I get that you know and she's like and it also doesn't help to put things like I like movies and music because everybody likes movies and music you need to specify what kind of movies and music and I'm like yeah yeah I get that and she's like you know and don't put stuff like I love the office because everybody loves the office and I'm like oh yeah well I guess everybody does love the office but I don't love the office I just watched it because everybody loved the office and I was afraid I might be missing a cultural moment so I watch it like 10 years after everybody else watched it

And so I was like well you know this is not work this would probably not be the way for me to meet friends actually I've thought if I was going to try to make friends probably what I would do maybe well one of the things I thought I might do involves the Unitarian universalist universalist Church which is just around the corner not so much going to church but they have a lot of weird fringe culture groups that I thought you know well maybe I could meet some weird people but

I'm not sure I'm really prepared to do that and I'm not sure that would really work anyway

So I was thinking you know

My my thing would have to be something along the lines of look I'm not really looking for a BFF I'm just emotionally scarred from the quarantine and I want to ease back into human interaction

So really what I'm looking for is somebody who would enjoy to go to an art museum see a show and discuss it somebody who would enjoy to go to a foreign film just like once or twice a month

Well I mean you know who's going to go for that not the kind of people that are going to use that kind of app I think

And she was talking about having pictures that weren't posed but have pictures of you you know roller skating or painting or something and it's like how is that not going to be posed I can't take those pictures myself so that means somebody's going to have to take them of me

I mean when I used to work with people who wanted to do things with me I was always trying to explain to them that you know when I have finished working I have had as much human interaction as I can handle for the day I have to go back home and recharge I can't go out and have more human interaction it's too much

And I could absolutely go to the museum by myself and I probably will end up doing that it just would be nice to have the option to like have a person who could talk about it with you and I mean I could go to the museum with my mom and theoretically we could have a conversation about it but I don't feel like in fact my mother has a very intellectual philosophical viewpoint on art I don't feel like that when we went to see the Georgia O'Keeffe exhibit in Washington DC which we did and it was fun I don't remember how old I was I was in high school maybe 16 maybe 15 you know it was fun but I don't believe we had any intellectual discussions I mean I guess we could have had a discussion about paint usage but I'm not even sure that we did that I think it was more like who were seeing the show

But it recommends this BFF app for people who are new to a city and want to make friends I don't know I mean I can't see it working out but I'm intrigued

 i finished sayonara slam by naomi hirahara

highly recommend

i feel better today

my body is telling me that if i feel like complaining

i should just remember that the last period included a cyst

that took like two months to resolve

in case i'm feeling a little put upon with the hormones

which i am

i fucking hate female hormones

but

i'm trying to let it go

i don't need another cyst

i don't know what it wants from me

i hope everything is good with you

you understand that none of this mood is related to you, right

i'm not freaking out because of you in any way

it's all some sort of psycho/hormonal wonderland

but not in a good way

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

And not just frappuccinos

I just remembered there was another one where I was painting kittens

It was non-toxic paint

But that's still kind of strange

So I went back to sleep

And I dreamed I was trying to make frappuccinos

That's like one of the worst nightmares

And I was making this

I couldn't remember it was like a creme frappuccino

But I wasn't sure if it was supposed to just be chocolate or caramel or chunks or what

So I kept saying a different thing every time

And she had never had it before but she didn't want me to make it because she didn't think I knew what I was doing

So she was kind of trying to backseat drive me on the frappuccino even though she didn't know how to do it either

And I was just really f****** it up

I was in my old store

Put somehow was managing to get ingredients for the frappuccino out of the pastry case and the ice was in a different place and I put the whipped cream on top before I blended it and I don't know it was just a mess

Okay that was a lot of sleeping

I had kind of strange dreams but they were better

Sure I had more dreams than this but these are the ones I remember

I was walking through this kind of I don't know museum art gallery something

And I was looking at all these different kind of things

For suburban takes it somewhere sculptures and some weren't installations I mean it was just a variety of things like in a museum

And I don't really remember specifics on any of it except for one thing

I was sitting down and having coffee or tea or something with somebody who I knew in the dream but I didn't know in real life

And this young woman like I don't know late teens early twenties comes up to me and says she just heard a lecture about my work and she loves my work and like thank you for my contribution and she can't believe she's seeing me and all this kind of stuff and I'm like I really don't know what you're talking about I really didn't do anything worth of that

About apparently in the dream I did

I was somehow a foundational contributor to women's something

And it made me feel good even though I didn't really understand even in the dream how it was possible

Then I had another one My Aunt Joan again this had the sunburst house in it but outside like the whole well for sure the whole neighborhood but probably a lot further than that The ground was all distorted and uneven and I mean it looked like I don't know like it had been melted by something really really hot somehow

It was all like kind of an alien landscape

And I don't know if I was a kid or if it was something wrong with me or what the hell but she was taking me to the doctor or trying to and I think it was something to do with my foot or my leg or something

But she was having a hard time walking across the yard to get to the car which is parked on the street The street was still there but there weren't any like driveways or sidewalks or anything the earth had swallowed that all up I think

There were a lot more details about what everything looked like and why it was like that but I don't remember them

And there was another one where there were I was so like a magic bus kind of but it didn't really look like a bus it looked more like a an SUV or a personnel carrier or something it was not so much like a bus

But we were loading it all up snacks and when it would go it didn't just go down the street it went someplace else and the word ventures to be had

But then it wasn't so much like we went on an adventure as maybe there was some sort of montage or something I don't know

It was more about the fact that this was a thing then about actually doing the thing

And then

I was laying in bed

And I think there was something wrong with me maybe I just had a headache I'm not sure

There were a bunch of people preparing to go on the magic bus and I don't know whether I was trying to rest up so I could go with them or whether I was not going to go because I didn't feel good

But my daughter runs in and jumps in the bed with me

And she's like maybe six

And I can't really tell you what she looks like

She has shoulder length kind of bronzy blonde hair and she's kind of average height and weight for her age

Just got kind of a pouty bottom lip I guess cuz she's pouting but you know kids that age don't have very developed features anyway so I don't know I guess she looks like I looked more or less when I was her age

But she runs in and she jumps on the bed

And she's very upset because things are not going well with some aunt or grandmother or somebody who's trying to get ready and this is doing it fast enough for is having some problem

And she's like

olds should not be allowed to go

So I start trying to explain to her how you know everybody's got their own way of doing things in their own speed and their own capabilities and she's just you know moving it a lot faster speed than everybody else and so it's frustrating to her that other people aren't going at the same speed as her but that doesn't make their speed wrong

And I get it I understand

But I try to get her to calm down

Get her focus on something other than her frustration

Also very hot

I've woken up every two hours

all night

I've had these horrible dreams

in this vampire cutter world

now

I haven't been able to get back to sleep

and

the m*a*s*h theme song

is suddenly in my head

WTF?!

I'm NOT suicidal

but

I am kind of scared

my heart is kind of racing

I don't like this at all

I'm having some sort of computer

or internet problem

and

I'm melting down

mentally

or

emotionally

possibly hormonal

but

it feels like

I can't

or maybe I'm not supposed to

idk

I'm sorry

I probably should have taken a nap

I love you very much

I'm going to bed

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I left the house today

Took me like 4 hours to work myself up to it but I did it

I drove the car

Like 5ish miles one direction and then 5ish miles back

Up Voss I-10

Then down Bunker Hill

To memorial drive

To San Felipe

Back to my house

And I've got to say I'm exhausted

In my head hurts

And I have a weird rash on my neck

But I'm still alive

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 i've been up a little while

i woke up with a song in my head

where is that from

i couldn't remember

my best guess was sound of music

but it was this

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Also

I'm digging zip ono

I finished strawberry yellow

Highly highly recommend

The next one looks really really good

Mas' daughter she's married to this tall blonde I don't know kind of dorky guy who's a I'm not sure exactly landscape architect or he's not a gardener he's fancier but something and he was in book number two the one that was in New York

But then for the last book Mas wasn't in LA

He was higher up the coast in watsonville or someplace like that and it was all tied in with his extended family so his daughter and son-in-law weren't in the book at all except he talked to him on the phone

But they had come to live with him in LA because the son-in-law got a job like grounds crew or something for dodger stadium

Mas I don't think I told you this

He's a huge dodgers fan

So the next book I can't remember was called now is all about dodger stadium and some mystery that revolves around baseball there's a exhibitionary game with a Japanese team and a Korean team and something I don't know I'm read it and I really want to get it

But you know I just bought two books

And I've been plowing through them

And I kind of want to make it last a little bit

There's just two left

So I look to see what books I have in my library that I might want to read or listen to or whatever

I have one that wasn't included title

That's called zip Ono Buddhist detective

I don't know how serious that is it might just be a funny book but zip is apparently a girl and she is able to solve mysteries because she's like so in touch with the universe or something so I don't know I'm going to give it a try

The periods kind of strange

There was that first larger amount of blood

But everything since then has just been not a very large amount and not like bright red but instead just kind of all like dried blood color

so I don't know before when I had periods that didn't happen for months and months and months I had a lot of buildup and it seemed like it took me a really long time to pass it all

But I guess maybe I didn't make much of a buildup now

And I wonder if all the vitamin d has something to do with it

I mean maybe it doesn't

But it's just that snow and it's been a lot and vitamin d is a hormone so I don't know

I'm fixing to go to bed

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Guess what

I was very crampy this morning when I went to bed and I was like well I don't know what that's about

But now and this is like I don't know almost 24 hours later

I went to the bathroom and there's blood

Not just like a little tinge of blood but like you know full on blood

So I'm having a period I think

And that's kind of exciting

I mean I was just thinking how much I don't miss them

And wondering if I was ever going to have one again cuz she know if you go full year without a period then that means you're menopaused

But I had one in January

And the one I had before that was the previous February

So this one's actually closer together because it's like I don't know 10 months instead of 11 months but whatever

I just thought that was noteworthy

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

 well, i don't know if you've gotten a booster

but the only real side effect that i've had is i am super tired

i have a head-ache, i feel a little fever brained, and i'm a little bit nauseated

but

i'm not positive that those aren't weather related

or menopausal

i don't feel well

but

whatever, ya know

i'm finished with blood hina

and i'm starting strawberry yellow

i really really love this series--  highly recommend

i love you very much sweetheart

i hope you are taking good care of yourself

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I wore two masks today when I went to vote

The only elected position was school board but the incumbent is a scientist a physicist who believes in science and teaching facts and the people who were running against her or anti-vaxxer trumpy freaks

So even though I don't have any kids so I really don't have any skin in the game for school board I went ahead and went to vote

Plus there were eight amendments to the Texas Constitution that we had to vote on

Didn't mostly see all that important either especially since I don't really know

When there are amendments to the Texas Constitution they have like a little summary but the little summary doesn't necessarily let you know all of the implications that might come from voting one way or the other

So I try to do a little research on it

But I couldn't really find a lot of analysis she know like with the bathroom bill there was a lot of analysis because the way that was phrased made it sound basically like

Hey we don't want men coming in the women's restroom right

And if you just read that it's like well no I don't particularly want men coming in the women's restroom

But that wasn't what that was about that was a transgender thing so I mean you have to try to find out what the f*** they're actually talking about

So what I actually found was all the major market newspapers and well I guess not all of them but like Austin American statesman the Dallas morning News and then there's a conservative group called something like the freedom coalition and then there's a progressive democratic political organization that's called like progress Texas or something like that

And most of them were like the freedom coalition was against it and the everybody else was for it or the opposite right so it's pretty obvious

If the quote freedom coalition end quote feels this way then I probably feel the opposite way so if there's some nefarious content that's just not being discussed well you know

I don't like that I think it's b******* but I could see where if they printed the actual wording it would probably confuse people cuz it'd probably be in some kind of legal jargon I just don't know I don't like it it makes me uncomfortable

Like there was a this one that says people in nursing homes should be able to designate one family member caregiver whatever who can't be refused access to them

Well I mean that seems reasonable but if you say can't be refused access what that's going to mean in all practicality is you know people who aren't vaccinated who are sick or whatever are going to be able to just be traipsing in the nursing home and they're like if it passes then we'll come up with some you know alternative measures but basically the point is to work around the nursing homes ability to keep people out

And I've got very mixed feelings on that

Because while I don't believe that the poor people in the nursing home should be kept from their loved ones and in fact it might contribute to the deterioration of their position if they if they are deterioration of their health position or mental state

And nursing homes aren't necessarily known for being places where the people who live there are always treated with the utmost care you know sometimes nursing homes or abusive so the idea that they don't have any kind of oversight from the family that isn't so good either

But if you have a situation where people are just walking into the nursing home I mean without their being any sort of ability for the nursing home to say you cannot come in and unless you meet these specifications

And so then what I really want to know is what are you really saying because on the one hand I want to vote for this but on the other hand I feel like I need to vote against it to protect the people who live there

I don't like it I don't like it at all

And the voting booths were different for the last I don't know like 20 years at least 20 years when I've gone into a voting booth it's had push buttons and little turn dial and you vote and it gives you the option to check your vote to make sure that it's right and several times it hasn't been right I've had to go back and correct it but if you don't check it you just submit it then if if it's wrong then it's just voted wrong

And I'm always super careful so I feel like when it was wrong what happened was that it changed it

And it was always a situation where I was voting for a Democrat and it changed it to a Republican every single time but I guess since I never vote for Republicans I don't know what else it could change it to sometimes there've been libertarians or things that could have changed it to

So I've never felt very good about those voting machines I always liked the ones where you have your little thing and you stick it in and you have a little book that you flip pages on and you've got a little punchy thing and you punch holes I liked those punch cards make sense to me but then of course there's all that hanging Chad b*******

But this time they gave me a piece of paper and I take the piece of paper and it's got an arrow and I stick it into the machine and I do all my little voting things and then it automatically takes me to a place where I check it and it's like is this all right if this is all right and you're ready to print your ballot then hit submit so I submit my thing I'm a bob and it starts printing on the piece of paper and then when it's done I take it out and I have to take it over to this other person who has to scan it in their machine and then after it scans it and it makes the little waving American flag you know then it's recorded and the paper supposedly drops into the bottom of the recorder thing so that's their paper copy

Well you know that seems good I guess I think there's it's good that there's a paper copy for sure

Cuz it's not like that other s*** can't be hacked

I don't know it was just kind of weird I voted to school it's an elementary school

It's pretty close to where I live

Like I don't know maybe a mile a mile and a half if you lived someplace where you could walk I could probably have walked well not now I'm like all looking trying to decide normally when I voted I go to the far street and I go down and I park down you know a block or two and I walk back and I'm like now I'm like no I'm not doing that

How close can I get

And my clogs they're not really such good walking shoes

It's funny because clogs are the shoes I think of as the type of shoes I wear

And had one pair of these dansko there's a name for them I can't remember the name right now but had one pair that was kind of a natural leather color that I wore to Sanibel one time and they really haven't gotten worn out since then because I hardly ever wear them because I couldn't wear them to work I had to wear like tennis shoe type shoes to work and then I tended to wear those tennis shoe shoes to wherever

But then as soon as I wasn't working there anymore I was like okay well I have these clogs and so if I would go out I would just wear those

And over the course of the last year or so that I've been going to the studio and stuff I've picked up a dark green pair that's the right size that I wear and then I've picked up two other pairs a brown one and a gray one that are the next size up that I can wear if I'm going to be you know on my feet all day so that when my feet swell or whatever they still fit

So I'm traipsing around in my clogs saying man these aren't very good walking shoes but I really didn't have to walk that far

And then I went to the HEB and I got my booster and I'm still wearing two masks

And I forgot to wash my glasses with soap so they're fogging up really bad and I was getting like I don't know slightly dizzier slightly disoriented walking around the grocery store and at first I thought it was just the glasses being kind of fogged up and whatnot

But then after I came home I still felt kind of dizzy

My arm I get them to give me the shots in my left arm because then if my arm becomes you know to sort of lift or whatever I'm not as incapacitated I don't have to like do everything with that arm and say owie owie owie

It doesn't hurt nearly as much this time I wouldn't even really call it pain at all it's the muscle is kind of hard and slightly swollen so I look like I'm super buff on that side and it it's just stiff but it's not bad

And I have a headache but I've had a headache for several days off and on

I texted my mother to let her know in case she didn't know that there was voting and that the HEB had booster shots of Pfizer and moderna I don't think they have Johnson & Johnson but I'm not sure

And I also wanted to let her know that since I got my booster today there's a possibility that I won't feel good tomorrow and I didn't know if we were planning to do anything tomorrow or not

I thought we probably were

And she's like no it's supposed to rain tomorrow I don't want to be out in the rain but then she's like call me

I had bought some donuts at the grocery store and I had coffee and I had it heated up to just the right temperature for drinking right now because I was going to have donuts so then I had to call her and then I had to heat up my coffee again afterwards because it was cold completely cold after we got done talking

But she gave me a lecture about how if I don't drive my car enough that eventually the battery isn't going to be able to be charged and I have will have to buy another battery and I'm like right that's what just happened

Cuz I bought a battery like less than a year ago and then I just bought this battery from AAA

And she's like did you get your credit for your battery that you bought from AAA less than a year ago and I'm like well 

A) I didn't buy that battery from AAA I bought it from the car place and

B) it wasn't the car place is fault that I didn't use the battery the way it was supposed to be used so I didn't feel like it was appropriate to tell them they needed to pay me for it not last in the amount of time it was supposed to last

And she's like oh

Yeah okay

I mean I basically jumped the car whenever I needed to drive anywhere

And there's only so many times that you can probably do that

But I couldn't make myself leave

I couldn't make myself drive around

And I still don't feel right I don't feel like I'm able to focus enough on all the different things that you have to do you know when you're driving there's all this stuff that you do but you just do it you don't think about it you just do it but I'm out of practice enough that I

I mean it's not so bad driving down to the grocery store but even the grocery store the parking lot there's all these people and they aren't looking and it's it's just so hard

And whenever I get dressed like I'm going to leave the house the cat just looks at me like what the f*** are you doing

And it seems like hardly anybody out there is wearing masks I mean some people are

At the voting maybe half of the people were wearing masks I don't think so though but maybe

At the grocery store there were some people wearing masks but not all of them not more than half of them and a lot of people that work there weren't wearing masks

And probably they've all been vaccinated because I mean they do the vaccines there

Maybe they've all had boosters I kind of doubt it though

I guess I feel better that I got my booster

I don't know I don't feel very

Sane I guess is The word I'm looking for

I mean I'm pretty sure that the covid numbers are down

And I've been taking the vitamin d

There shouldn't be as much need to be afraid

But I don't think it's just all about being afraid to go out in the contagion and disease I think there's just now in addition to whatever residual fear there is of contagion and disease I think there's also just fear of going out it's a little bit less if my mom is driving and I'm just kind of riding and going to a place where I feel reasonably safe because I don't have to be the same kind of level of alert and aware and she's not really that great of a driver so it's not like that necessarily feels safer exactly

But it's just driving feels kind of disorienting and extremely overstimulating and the outside is overstimulating it's bright and it's loud and it's crowded and I just have an aversion to it now

But anyway I think I'm going to try to make myself drive everyday or almost every day I may not do it tomorrow if I'm feeling bad or if it's super rainy I've been having an aversion to driving in the rain cuz of PTSD for quite some time now but I'm going to have to make myself drive around because I can't just keep buying new batteries and I'm going to have to kind of get over it at some point

I'm not really sure what the fall looks like as far as

I've almost got everything rephotographed for the Etsy shop but I feel like there's probably going to be some things for the holiday season for trying to sell things and whatnot

I'm going to be 55 in January

I had all these kind of plans for things that I thought I was going to have you know kind of accomplished by then

But I don't think most of them are going to happen

I do want to lose more weight

I'm not going to be at my goal wait by my 55th birthday

I think since the last time I told you how much I weighed I think I gained weight and now I've lost weight again so I'm more or less back at that weight which if I remember correctly was about 5 lb heavier than my pre pandemic weight

I just ate some Cheetos this evening though so I don't know that may have fluctuated up donuts and Cheetos in the same day

I probably haven't had Cheetos for 6 months

I had donuts someday that I drove my car that I bribed to myself

I think maybe if I can manage to be sane again by my 55th birthday I will consider that to be good enough now

I need to get healthier and less paranoid about my health

Figure my s*** out

And not be so afraid of everything

My mom's going to get a booster though and she's not going to get Johnson and Johnson though she wants moderna which might be because of some report that I read article that I forwarded to her that basically said that if you had Johnson and Johnson you were probably better off getting a booster of either Pfizer or moderna rather than getting another Johnson and Johnson and moderna has pretty much the best track record apparently

When Dr fouche got vaccinated they asked him what which one he got and he said moderna and at that point I was like okay well that's the best one and that's the one I want but I didn't know that I would get that and I wouldn't have turned down a Pfizer shot to get moderna you know I just wanted to be vaccinated desperately but I'm very happy that I managed to get moderna for the first two shots and then the booster

Because really the first two shots shouldn't have been so close together ideally for your immune system to work optimally on it but they were trying to get everybody you know as close to full immunity as they could so they pushed it and I think I was like 4 days earlier or 5 days early getting my second shot so you know that was pushing it too but I got my second shot I think April 21st I believe that's right

And then I got this booster November 2nd so that's a little bit more than 6 months right out about 6 months

So I figure you know I'm about as vaccinated as I can be

You know and maybe I'm just paranoid but I don't come from a long line a healthy people

And I'm too old to feel impervious

But I've drilled down into the fear of a little too hard I think

After I went to the grocery store there's a torchy's tacos that opened like I don't know a little bit before the pandemic that's in the same parking lot as a grocery store and you know torchy's tacos is from Austin it's supposed to be amazing I've never eaten there and I've wanted to

And so you know I'm like well you know I got my two masks on and whatever and I could sit outside

And the people working there aren't wearing masks nobody's wearing masks

So I go in and I order and they got the good ice and I'm sitting outside and she brings the food

And I got a trailer park and a Mr Orange

Trailer park is like a chicken tender with some lettuce and tomato and kind of a jalapeno ranch type dressing on a you can get flour or corn tortilla so it's a soft taco so not like a real taco cuz real tacos or crispy

I mean the Baja tacos fish tacos in California they aren't crispy there soft tacos but they're really more about the slaw almost well I don't think I don't know if you call it slaw but you know that stuff that's on them that's basically like slaw if that's good then they're probably going to be good

And this had kind of an element of that except it was a chicken tender and it wasn't really slow cuz it was like lettuce and tomato and whatnot but it it was not like the lettuce and tomato that's on a crispy taco

I'm in the Mr Orange was a piece of salmon that was blackened with like Cajun spices with some lettuce and tomato kind of stuff and a sauce that was it was like a green sauce although a Texas green sauce when you can get a green dipping sauce in Texas it's not like a New Mexico one it's tomatillos and cilantro and jalapeno it's it's got some heat to it but it's not super hot and it's not like a cook sauce it's like a it's more of a raw green sauce it's really tasty so it was like that but with some avocado mixed in so it was a little bit like a cross between a really green fresh sauce salsa avocado and then like a s*** ton of garlic

I've had guacamole with a lot of garlic in it I've never really had a fresh green sauce with a lot of garlic in it but I mean this was different this was like I wanted to smear it on bruschetta you know

And ultimately I didn't really like that taco that much because it just had a little too much going on I mean it had the salmon flavor and then the blackened flavor and then all the different flavors that were going on in that sauce and so it was just it was kind of fighting against itself a little although I had to give him kudos for the kind of regional fusion but then I went back in to get some more tea and some ice and it weren't very many people in there but I forgot to put my mask back on so I'm like walking through there with no mask on and then I kind of freaked out a little bit but I couldn't really do it because my hands were full and again I wasn't close to anybody

I guess it was good

The music that's playing inside somehow seemed exactly like something that an Austin place would be playing I didn't really recognize the music but I was like you know shaking my head all around and I was really kind of almost want to dance

So anyway

I'm starting listening to the fourth book in the series I bought it this morning then before I really listened to any of it the novels came but I'm just really into these books so I thought well I really want to listen to another one and then maybe I'll read those two novels before I get the next couple it's like 12 days or 13 days something like that about 2 weeks until I get more credits

So we'll see if I managed to keep from buying them all they're seven and serious I think I said that we're nine but they're seven this is book four

I got myself all depressed about politics

I mean I don't think the Democrats are going to pull this off

The Republicans have already got the laws in place so that they won't need to have an insurrection next time they'll just do their little imaginations that they've got already in place and just quietly have their coup

I you know I know that all the Democrats they want to make the world a better place and they don't all agree on exactly what that means and mansion and cinema (sp) are gumming up the works

And the progressives aren't willing to give in because they want to fix things they promised they were going to fix things and I get it and I want those things fixed and I want to live in a wonderful you know Star Trek utopia where everybody just does what they're good at and nobody has to worry about money and all that kind of stuff but I think it's too late

They think they're going to make things better and then people are going to see that they're making things better and they're going to vote for Democrats in the midterms but I'm afraid that's not what's going to happen

And I'm saying to myself very seriously you know you can't even bring yourself to leave the house but what you really probably ought to be asking yourself is what other country should you move to because I don't think you live in a democracy anymore or if you do now marginally how much longer is that going to last

I kind of have disconnected myself from a lot of that stuff I was focused on the s*** that was happening here a little bit more and that mean it's not just here

I've got myself a little depressed

Good night sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Okay I finished that book even though I stretched it out as much as I could

My paperbacks are not here yet

Although I think at least one of them is supposed to be here before 10:00 tonight

But I went ahead and bought the what am I on the fourth one now

Blood Hina

The third one was good

I'm still not sure it was as good as the first one

But I did not know that there was a large community of Okinawan Peruvians

So I learned something today

Well not really today that's a South Park reference

Yesterday

I tried to start my car and it wouldn't even start with the jump starter thing

So I called AAA and they came out and tried to jump it although the guy wasn't jumping it with the car he was jumping it with a larger version of the kind of jump thing that I used

And that wouldn't start at either so I was like really concerned cuz I think you get one jump and one tow a year

But I'm not 100% sure if they do that in a calendar year or if they do it in your membership year or how exactly they do it but I was concerned

I don't really want to get my car towed if I could get it jumped but then I didn't want to have them come out try to jump it go nope doesn't work so then have to use the tow so I use up all my stuff in one go I didn't want to do that

Maybe you get two jumps in a tow I don't remember

So the guy came out and he's like no it's not working but then he's like but let me put a new battery in it and see if it starts because then we'll know if it's the battery or if it's something more serious and I'm like well if the battery works can I keep the battery and he's like well if you pay for it

But I hadn't realized that it was a service where they would jump you or they could replace your battery so I was very happy about that I mean I could get a cheaper battery for sure but this is supposed to be a 6-year battery and they'll just replace it for free for 3 years and then after the 3 years you have like a you know amortized whatever

But I mean having somebody come out and put a battery into your car is kind of a premium service so even if it costs a little bit more than the least you could buy a battery for I think that's totally appropriate

So I got a new battery

And I went I went and got my car inspected

I went and got the registration renewal thing

And I mean that was basically all the stuff I was dreading the whole month of October

Today I'm going to go vote

And then I'm going to go get my booster

It's supposed to just be walk-in so I don't have an appointment so I suppose something could go wrong but I don't think it will

And I'm getting that at the HEB

Where I will also buy groceries

And then I imagine I'm going to be kind of wiped after that

I love you sweetheart💋

Goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I'm going to go to sleep now

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

I've had just the fan on for like several days now it's 58° outside supposedly right now

That's like almost freezing

I'm very excited

🌈🏵️🌺🍥🍭