i love you very much sweetheart
sleep tight

goodnight sweetness
you sound so good
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

i only caught a few minutes at the end
i was on the phone with my mom for a long time
and truthfully
i didn't even see it was hapening
i just checked on my phone
after i finished the call

i'm sorry
hopefully things are calmed down now

she was texting me things that didn't make sense
and i just had to talk to her

i'm exhausted
i gotta go to bed

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

look
you probably don't want to hear about this
but
my mom
she does not look good

she had been telling me how she's going to a personal trainer
three times a week
because she's trying to build up her strength
she says she's gained five pounds of muscle

but
she looked just as shriveled and stooped
[i had kinda forgotten
she was so fiesty on the phone
with her talk of my horrendous life
i forgot she was all frail and just pictured her
like i remember her best
with her eyes bugged out, screaming, looking like she might stroke out from rage]
except
she looks haggard now

i'm freaked out

she's gonna be 76 in a little less than a month


idk
i have lots of feels about this

i need to see her more often
it's just so draining and dancing monkey-ish
because she wants me to entertain her
but
she isn't very entertained by me
she doesn't get me
i need something we can do

but
i'm not sure what
she doesn't like movies
she doesn't have the energy to walk
or stand for any length of time

i'm at a loss
but someone recommended this
and i think it has merit
plays

i never thought of plays
would she sit through a play
idk
i'm going to approach it this way

hey, i'm going to go see ________________ would you like to go with me?

then maybe she will
and if she won't
maybe i still get credit for trying
[or maybe not, whatever]
and
maybe i'll include some lectures
or
poetry slams
or
something

i've got to come to some kind of terms with this shit
because
it's not like
she's gonna die soon
it's like
i'm maybe gonna have to move in and take care of her
i'm not really sure she should be alone now
i'm just taking her at her word

we had dinner
she ate bits out of a salad
[she would normally get an entree]

i had a big lunch, she says
she got an all access pass to olive garden's pasta bowl
now
i thought she was specifically avoiding pasta
because of the pre/diabetes
now she's eating bottomless pasta bowls?


ok
sorry
not your problem
not what you want to hear
my head hurts

~ you may ask yourself, where is my ayahuasca ceremony
~you may ask yourself where is my omniscient narrator
~you may ask yourself

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I had in pleasant dreams though
I dreamed that instead of driving a car I had some sort of a motorcycle type thing but with giant like 18 wheeler type wheels
And I kept having problems with people stealing bits off of it
So I was parking at like inside convenience stores and things like that
But then I would go into the convenience store to get my vehicle and the tire should be like all blown out or the engine would be stripped
And it would be like really dude to whoever was behind the counter and they be like
I don't know

It was very strange I don't know what that means

and that was the older dream then there was another dream that I just had
But strangely I can't remember that one

So I'm not sure what to think

Still have that headache too

It's worse though it's almost like my migraine level
not quite

goodnight sweetheart
i hope you're happy and healthy
and everything is beautiful where you are

i'm good
pretty good

i mean
i'm old and achy and shit
but
i'm in pretty good spirits

i was going to cook a vegan moussaka today
but i woke up with a headache
so i decided to just clean up the big mess
that i haven't cleaned
because i'm always too tired

also
i ate donuts
and drank tea
it was not a bad day at all

I fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
💋

good night
sweet heart
i
love you
very
much

ok, now for something good -- pears

so this imperfect produce thing has been interesting
i discovered dates
and that i won't eat kale
that their tomatoes and peaches are not good
and that their bell peppers are of inconsistent quality

but
they gave me back pears

when i was a kid
i lived with my gran gran
and she hated to cook
so
truthfully
i eat a lot of canned and packaged foods
but one of the things i loved
that i had forgotten about
was canned pears

packed in juice rather than syrup, i hope
but i'm not 100% sure

canned pears are soft
they are sweet
but
there's a delicate quality--  ethereal, like
there's nothing quite like them

not even "real" pears
when i went to live with my mom
she hated to cook too
[not a familial thing
gran gran was my dad's mom]

she would buy big blocks of cheese
and turkey ham
and cottage cheese
and fruit
and you could just go at it

or
if she cooked
she'd make a giant stock pot
of either chicken soup
or tapioca pudding
[which she invariably scorched]
and then we'd just eat that for all meals
until it was gone

pears were one of the fruits
and i remember thinking how different they were than the canned ones
so much earthier
so much less ethereal
but the juice would run down my face
and they were so satisfying
and they were "real"
so i swore off the canned ones

but
then i began having problems with pears
[after i was an adult and buying my own groceries]
i would buy them
and they would go from being rock hard
to being rotten
with no step in between
where they were actually edible
after this happened a bunch of times

i stopped buying pears
and
i mean it's probably been thirty years
i figured it was the whole
pick it before it's ripe
spray it with something so it doesn't ripen
then spray it with something so it will ripen
was just confusing the poor fruit
it wasn't it's fault
but
i wasn't playing that game anymore


and i was taking em off the list for the imperfect produce, at first
but then one week
there were apples and pears and mangos
that was it for fruit
so
i would normally take all those off
then i would have no fruit

i checked the apples
i only eat a few varieties of apple
they had granny smith and red delicious
i don't eat those

i took off apples and left pears and mangos
mangos are too sweet, too messy
i don't like them that much

as it turns out i do
nothing wrong with them

the pears though
have been amazing
soft and juicy

and today
when i was eating lunch
i ate my mango
and my two tiny avocados
and two pears
and as i was cutting the core out
and eating the cut up pieces
rather than biting into it and having it run all down my face
i experienced that ethereal quality of the pears
i had forgotten it
didn't expect it
wasn't looking for it
bliss

mom -- weather report

so
you would have no reason to be following the weather here
but
this tropical storm just kinda threw itself together
and hit land today
"around lunch time" according to the weather folks
so now there may be flooding for the next few days
or
they might be making it weatherpocalypse

i looked at the radar
and
there have been storms like that since i was a kid
well, before, but you know what i mean
and most of them haven't been any big shakes
but
since allison
we're all a little ptsd
that was just a tropical storm
but it stalled out and dumped a lot of rain

anyway
i called my mom

she's been having her groceries delivered
and i wanted to tell her
maybe stock up
we might all be in a few days
but
she said she's got plenty of supplies


but
then
she ended up saying something like
the only way you're going to escape from this disaster of a life you've made for yourself
is to write a really good novel

wtf

things escalated to quickly for me to follow

i'm trying to make sure she's ok
and
granted
it was too long between calls/visits
but
i've been depressed
and i couldn't handle it

she was wanting to trade mein for meredith
her sister's kid
for a while
because meredith was calling her all the time
but she got over it
because it got tedious listening to her problems
she's married, not happily
to a guy who doesn't treat her very well
and gambles away all their money
she's got two little girls
and now her mother has moved in with her
after years of ignoring her
wanting no part of her life
only to become an invalid who needs constant care


and when we were talking about her last
i said something to the effect
that i had always considered myself successful
mostly because i didn't get married and have kids

well
apparently that stuck in her craw for some reason
so now she's like
you defined your life by what you wouldn't do
instead of what you might be good at
and now
only writing a really good book can save you from
the disaster of your life


ok
see ya for dinner monday


what is wrong with her
if it goes two months without my seeing you
and
i've probably only talked to her twice
that seems like
not the best time to remind me of

your finer points


anyway
it's been raining for hours
but
it's stopped now
i guess i'll go to bed

i don't think she's right,ya know
i think it's entirely possible that writing a super good novel
might not help me at all
there being so many variables involved in that saving me

i also think
there might be a broad spectrum of other things
that could save me
but
she is definitely not one of those things
she's just so chitinous

i was pretty wiped out when i got home
i made noodles
not like super healthy
but
occasionally ya gotta have a carb bomb

https://www.worldmarket.com/product/grandm%C3%A8re-egg-nest-egg-pasta.do?sortby=ourPicks&from=Search

i mixed in
some butter
some olive oil
and a spoon of "better than bouillon" chicken
i had hot tea (pu ehr) with it

then
i proceeded to fall asleep sitting up much earlier than usual
and
now i'm going to bed late again
not an eventful evening

maybe it was supposed to be seventeen bottles of beer on the wall
because of the beer reference

oh
i changed my background picture to you guys
it had been you at brunch or something
i like the look of you better in this one
much more belligerent

i'm fantasizing about sleeping with you
non-euphemistically
really, i'm so tired
but
i'd love to be snuggled up with you

idk if this is better than not writing in your eyes
it's not genius or poetic
it's just beat down tired
and that's pretty boring
but

i love you
and if you tell me what you'd like to read
i will try to provide tomorrow

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

Okay I've overslept and I'm running really late so I'm going to record this so it's going to be all wonky I dreamed
There was something about a contest that was weird no phrase completion
And I was sure I was going to win but then somehow I didn't get it interred in time
But then maybe the first contest was something else and I was sure I was going to win I don't know it's not a hundred percent clear now
So that was the one
And then there was the sentence completion 1 and I was looking at a billboard that was next to the railroad track and it went on for a really long time and it was like it had already been completed because I missed it somehow either I didn't know what it was or I didn't get it in in time or something
But it was something like 17 bottles
Of beer on the wall I don't know but 17 bottles was something to do with the sentence completion and then
Maybe you and your family were there and we were talking about it I'm not sure

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you sweetheart

I hope that wasn't somehow traumatizing
it wasn't meant to be

I love you very much sweetheart

https://www.patrickobrian.com/am_chrono.htm

i wasn't kidding about these books

i'm seeing so clearly
a trajectory
a trajectory which i really knew already
but somehow it's clearer to me now
from tones in voices
and
stuff
than from science

and
other stuff has happened
i'm not saying life didn't go on
but
in a way it didn't
it's like a lost love
but worse

i get it now so clearly


which somehow cosmically mirrors
my coming to understand something about my father
and how i hurt him
driving home from santa cruz that first time
learned about my relationship with my father from you

and maybe it's a writer-y thing
this seeing of dramatic story arcs
from fine motion clockwork peaches

but you know what ya'll have to do now
it has got to got to happen
scientific thesis

and
another realization
i might love fleeting more than the others
whether it's "better" or not
because
that's where i heard the call
it seemed so strong a cry for love
and i said to
 myself
i want that
and i was a gonner after that

i had ideas about you before
that never would have led me to approach you
i doubt i would ever have spoken to you
except for the eye contact/connection that night
but
the whole thing
it was them as much as you
that atmosphere
that night


so
wow
such a tenuous thread of fate
that has joined me to this path
i hadn't realized
it had always just seemed like
of course
it's my mission
but
clearly
it was
sequenced

i love you sweetheart-- the adventure continues

never mind the maneuvers just go straight at em
is what jack aubrey says
that nelson always said in battle
and that
is what i'm saying to you

that
and that if you haven't read those books
i recommend all 20 of em

have all the fun

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

you had fun, huh

once i had a clothes line

there's a thing with clothes
or maybe i just think there is

if you've worn em once or twice
and you didn't really get em dirty
then after a while
they just kinda air out

now
i haven't tested this out in a while
but i'm on this long stretch of not doing laundry
just kinda hand washing
bits and bobs

i don't wanna get too deeply into it
the point is
i wanted to wear these pants
they're green
i wore them probably once
months ago
and i haven't done a green load

now
now i have to do green loads
and red loads and purple loads
and white loads
it's enough to make your head spin
i used to just do laundry
everything was black and it didn't matter

whatever
the pants aren't clean
and they've been on the floor for months

so
like a twenty year old
i pick em up and sniff em
they smell like
nothing at all
theory proven, yet again

but
the act of doing it
reminded me of when i had a clothes line

something you don't know about me
i wash everything on delicate
and i hang almost everything

i've started playing little games with the dryer in the last year or so
drying things partially
drying things i care less about

whatever
fundamentally i hang my clothes to dry

but
when i was twenty-seven
i lived in a house with a yard
and it had a clothes line

i'd walk to the detached garage
the door always open
wash my laundry

and then hang it on the line

and
this is one of the touchstone experiences

when clothes dry on the line
they come out a little stiff
not fluffy like if you use dryer sheets
[which i have never in my life used--
i guess i really am a hippy
biocleen soap with grapefruit seed extract
and no no no to the dryer sheets]

i'm not maybe mad for the stiffness

what i am mad for
the smell

clothes from the line smell of the sun
that won't make any sense unless you've smelled them
but
i love it

and today
when i smelled my pants
it brought the memories of the clothes line and the smell of the sun
crashing back to me

and
it was a much better day

I'm there with you in spirit

the fun you'll have
with the lads
makes me smile to think
that's how I first saw you
you know

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

it's like semi a tradition for me to write about 911 on the date each year

i haven't actually
not every year
and i wasn't sure that i had anything new to add
not really
i mean
it's 18 years out
whatever children were being born on that--  inauspicious day
[does inauspicious seem an appropriate word?]
they have reached their majority
unless we're talking drinking
[which has never made sense as far as i'm concerned]

why not save any spare thoughts for the 20, ya know

i saw a lot of posts today
and many of them were moving
or
good tribute at least in one way or another
but
the one that stood out to me
perhaps because i can't recall seeing it before
though, surely i did
was this:

https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/911-new-yorker-covers

the first one pictured from sept 24, 2001

idk why
but
that is so beautiful and right
it just really grounded my thoughts about it
i always go back through my memories
Polaroids in a train case, perhaps
a scattered ticker tape of shredded starbucks receipts for water
and the story of my brother walking across the bridge to brooklyn
casey and i at aunty pastos
the poor truck driver with not one to receive the truck
margeaux who was a new hire then
and how proud she was to wear the t-shirt with the flag
stabucks put out after the fact
that whole flag hysteria
my flag is bigger than your flag
when are you going to do something about that element
she's got a kid now must be like 12

and the plane
hitting the tower
again
and
again
and again

i didn't see the people holding hands, jumping
until
right now
and now i'm thinking about the stairwells


i was at work today
and i didn't finish by 10
in fact it was about 11 when i finished
myrka (i can't see to decide on the spelling of her name, can i)
she is the signage "pos" co ordinator
so you'd expect her to be good at signs
but
my god
it was amazing
normally i have a rep or reps
who show up whenever and have to constantly ask where things are
even though i have them sorted
and they talk constantly

myrka closed the night before
but she was there before me
and i was on time
she didn't ask
she found most of it with no problem
and i had to ask her if she seemed to be wandering
and
we didn't talk at all!
amazing, refreshing, wowing


anyway
amanda came in at 11
so when i finished at 10 til 11
she was sitting in the break room
and she said:

i remember 9/11
i was in middle school
[she said some more after that
but i really didn't hear it]

you were in middle school?

and i start counting back
she's like 31 or 32
she basically 20 years younger than me
i was 34

so, yeah
she was in middle school


and somewhere in the back of my mind
that particulate matter--
part ash
part pulverized building materials
whatever--  that stuff
is still swirling and huffing into every little nook and cranny
as if nothing will ever be clean again

I love you sweetheart

I can't be there
but
I wish I could
and
I super like it

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

i stayed home sick today
i'm not sure how sick i am
it might be mostly exhaustion
i've got a promo change wednesday
and i'm trying to get everything moved around
i moved a lot of case stacks yesterday
and i expected to be sore
but
when i woke up
it felt more like i had a cold

i've had a bad cough lately
it all might be allergies and exhaustion
but i called out sick anyway

which was how i found out about that one thing
almost an hour before hand

i made another version of vegan mac + cheese
instead of the butternut squash
i used three red bell peppers--  tiny ones from the imperfect produce
my original plan had been to stuff them
but they were too small

also i used more smoked paprika
and some cumin
and less mustard

it came out very nacho cheese-y

i tried stirring it
and stopping while it still had a wet texture
which looks better
but
it doesn't taste better
it tastes the best when it's dry
and it's a little too brown to look pretty


the ides of march thing has me confused
so i'm not sure how to cook that
temperature control
or free-style
to make everything come out right

and the aliens might be sloping around
just outside the window
and the government might be reading my brain
tin foil hats all round

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I love you very much
sweetheart

I'm gonna dictate this

Last night I dreamed I was driving it was really weird it was like I was driving on these big giant overpasses and everything went up and down and over and it was snowing I think and it was really kind of scary and my perspective kept shifting. I'd be looking at it from the angle that I was in the car and then I'd be looking at it from this extreme bird's eye view and it was just weird.

and then I was going to be taking a train and there was some other person some other girl then I met and we were talking about taking the train but I don't really remember any other pertinent information except there were all these time constraints and money constraints and everything was very stressful.

and then I went to a diner I don't know if I was getting food to take on the train or if this was unrelated to the train but I was at the diner and I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat.

and then I went up to the counter and I saw that they had donuts and they had three different flavors and I was really tired and I was like you know what just give me a dozen of each of those flavors but there had been these two other girls who were trying to buy donuts and him and and hawing around and trying to figure out how to get a discount and not actually wanting to pay for the donuts.

and they grabbed one of my boxes of dozen donuts and come took off with them and then the girl who was working behind the counter didn't want to let me go with the donuts I was like it's fine just tell me the two dozen I'll just do without that other done doesn't and she's like no you ordered them and I'm like well yeah I ordered them right here but it's not like I ordered them in advance and you cook them special and besides you're the ones that let those other girls take them I'm like so now there aren't those dozen donuts so I'll just buy the two dozen that are still here and go.

and she's like no you have to go ahead and pay for them and will cook them and you come back when they're done and I'm like no I need to go I don't have time for that and they're like well you ordered them and you have to pay for them whether you take them or not.  And I'm like that's ridiculous I need to talk to your manager.

and you don't understand I never asked to speak to somebody's manager I'm not sure I've ever asked to speak to somebody's manager I just don't do that but I mean it was just no way I was going to pay for some donuts I wasn't getting and they're the ones that let the other girls take them and they let them take them I just wanted to go at that point I don't even care if I got any donuts I just wanted to go.

but I ended up talking to the manager and they were like yeah that's fine you can just go so I took the two dozen donuts I don't remember what flavors they were now but they were really good-looking flavors and I was happy to have them but I had kind of a bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience.

So I really don't know what that means.

And I meant to write about it earlier but then I just didn't.

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair so I'm just going to dictate this so the lines aren't going to match up the way they usually do

I had a really terrible day at work today it was labor day and they were coupons and it was super busy and they scheduled a really light staff that would have been really busy on a regular day which I really don't understand

And Saturday Teddy texted me and it was turned into kind of a long texting conversation and so I felt bad and I said hey what's going to have coffee and I forgot that it was going to suck for the holiday so I was really unenthusiastic about going

But it wasn't really that bad

And I fell asleep in the chair and my head hurts I'm going to bed now

I love you very much sweetheart
Good night

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

i've been sleeping in the chair
sitting straight up
all night
well, fie hours or so
i didn't even take my makeup off

ewwwww

i love you baby

ima take my  dark world visions off to actual bed now

i think my favorite
is the train song
if you were wondering

although the ones on either side...
1,3,4,5,10, and 11
you already know i like
2 and 6 give strong tonal world back fill

and
particularly strong use of that one old song

j&j productions solid

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much