komb-who?

so
it turns out
i do need kombu
so
i was lookin around on amazon
and i found this
old school--  we're traditional and nobody makes it this way anymore--
aged two years fermented
super ultra umami kombu
and
i'm not even balking at the price

which was only 4x the cheapest available
and only double the median

but then
i remembered fukushima
and thought
where else do they harvest kelp

so
since the icelandic kelp was unavailable
i ordered maine kelp
so
hopefully it's good
i know they are supposed to have excellent dulse
but i'm not sure about the kelp

i got this

last night
i fell asleep in the chair
i woke up all dis-oriented
and just went to bed
then
and it wasn't even that late
just maybe midnight
i slept through my alarms
and didn't wake up til like 11am

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight sweetheart

oh
and i'm gonna roast some carrots too

veg box 3

so
i still have i beet left
that i have to decide what to do with
ferment or soup
and i have a lot of citrus fruit left

so i didn't order more fruit
except dates
which i've discovered that i do like
i wasn't sure before

so i'll eat the citrus
and i'm going ahead with the gazpacho idea
but i'm using cilantro
which may not be traditional for gazpacho (need to reference recipes)
i'm also going to use some cilantro
when i ferment the carrots & serranos
i love cilantro
and it's a strong detoxifier

the sage
which i probably would not have thought of
except they included it in my box {suggestions}
i think will be good roasted with some butternut squash

and then shiitake miso soup
i may have too many shiitakes
so i may cook half until they make a stock
and add the other half for eating in the soup
or
i may have to do some stir-fry
or cook them in rice
idk
we'll have to see how much it actually is
i've got some beautiful white miso
but i need to check my kombu supply
i may need more kombu

i think the fermented vegetables are going to work out
not ready yet (the beets, i mean)
but
this is emboldening me to think
maybe i could make kombucha
such an incredible savings
i mostly don't buy it
because it's just so expensive
but i love it
and i've been afraid
but
the beets don't seem to be going rancid
or growing weird experiments
so
maybe
and
if
if i'm wishing for things i could make or grow
that are expensive and difficult to acquire
then
i want to grow sunflower sprouts
they are my favorite
my absolute favorite sprout for sure
and maybe
my favorite green
maybe

then
maybe the goats and the bees can come later
goat cheese
honey
maybe even a chicken
not
in the city
but
who knows

i love you sweetheart
not quite goodnight
still working on stuff

Your order details for Thu, May 30th, 2019

Organic Box Large

Product	Quantity	Price
Organic Bell Peppers (2 ct)	2	$3.50
Organic Sage (1 ct)	1	$1.99
Organic Tomatoes (1 lb)	3	$5.85
Organic Carrots (1 lb)	3	$4.65
Organic Cilantro Bunch (1 ct)	1	$1.29
Organic Cucumber (1 ct)	3	$3.00
Brew Dr Kombucha - Vanilla Oak (4 ct)	2	$21.38
Organic Medjool Dates (0.5 lb)	2	$6.90
Conventional Shiitake Mushrooms (1 ct)	2	$5.98
Organic Butternut Squash (1 ct)	2	$7.30
Subtotal		$61.84
Discount		$0.00
Delivery Charge		$4.99
Credits		$0.00
Grand Total		$66.83

i have to go to bed
i'm really really tired
i had beet soup for lunch
and
i was looking at my
veg box for next week
i'm thinking gazpacho

i'm going ahead with the fermented/pickled carrots
and probably some roasted carrots too
in the fermented ones
i'm thinkin i use some of the serranos

also
they have some short dated kombucha--  vanilla bean/oak
which sound amazing-intriguing
so imma probably have to get that too

they have kale
i'm trying to decide
kale's ok if you cook the shit out of it so it's like greens
but
i'm not sure that really maintains the healthiness so much

they have a good price on shiitakes
i might make a mushroom miso soup

idk
i have too much stuff in my cart right now
i need to focus and reign it in

also
apparently
i love dates

i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight

love shacks, baby

i find
i'm going through the house in my mind
trying to remember what things looked like
trying to reconstruct the size and shape of the rooms
and
i find myself fixated on the desk
in the dining room
against the wall that it shared with the kitchen
there was a compact secretary desk
it was a dark wood
nothing fancy
but it was where my grandmother kept her book keeping stuff
it was also the phone stand
and it had a black metal
sort of federalist styled lamp
there was just barely enough room in the space for it
and
whenever she used it
which i never saw
she always seemed to do that kind of thing at the dining room table
but
if she used the desk
she could just literally turn a dining chair around and shift it
over a few inches
and
there you go--  desk chair

i'm trying to remember what kind of legs the table had
and i can't remember
the wood of the table was a pretty golden-y color
maybe a golden maple or fruit wood
not like oak

i guess that's where my desire for a secretary desk comes from


i've been remembering my mother's parent's house too
the tin roof
the bathroom was in the kitchen
and there was just a wall built around it
like
you're standing at the sink
step back three feet you're in the bathroom
and there was an elaborately angled mirror across from another mirror
so you could see the back of your hair
which was genius

her parent's bedroom was light
full of windows and room
and the three sisters had a small
dark
lower
probably added on room
which was very depressing
it was a small old one-step-up-from-a-log-cabin house
across the street from a railroad track
and
i have to admit that while i didn't enjoy the visits
didn't care for my mother's family
or the screaming that my mother and her mother always seemed to engage
didn't feel connected to the people at all

i kinda loved the house
that's gone too of course

not going to be waxing poetic about the furniture
that was pretty terrible

but
i guess i come by my love of shacks honestly

I set my alarm for 9:30
and I slept clean through it
I have a whole list of chores I need to do
for the week
so I'm not happy that I slept through it
but
I guess I needed the sleep

I dreamed
about drinking coffee
there was more to the dream
but
I don't remember it
the coffee was so intense

hope you're doing well

i hope you're ok

i love you
goodnight sweetheart

upgraded

the guy who lives in the vacant lot next to my work got a bed.

he's been living there a few weeks.  he has a chair.  he has a side table.  he had a sleeping bag.

now he has a bed.
well, a mattress and box springs to be exact.
he has it wedged into a scraggly tree to provide some camouflage-- for now--
it probably won't be necessary once it's not blinding optic white.

he's invisible, you know.
he's not.
we all see him.
and, in a way, most of us are rooting for him.

there are no less than three charity boxes--  looking vaguely like small dumpsters--  sitting in the lot, which maybe he can access.  many people don't bother to put things properly inside.  the lot is mostly grassy, and someone must come to mow it because it is never overgrown and weedy.  it's nice.  i have always liked it being there.  it is a calming rest spot for my eyes amidst the over-grown "uptown" shiny mixed-usage-retail-residential.  it's like a blind spot the muggles don't see.

there's all this mystique about the lot too.  why is such valuable real estate a perpetual empty lot?

it is owned by someone not selling, that's why.  but who?  why?

i've heard rumors that it's owned by hakeem olajuwon, but i don't know if they are true.

there's a little bit of shell semi-paving, but nothing you could even pretend to call a flat surface.  and what paving there is doesn't get in the way of it's being used in the evenings as a makeshift soccer practice yard.  when i receive deliveries i look across at it, it makes me happy.  except for the no shelter from the elements part, it's a really nice place to live. 

i have this strange desire to go buy him tarps.

book-y update

so
remember when i said i was witching to the boxwalla book this month
well, this is the book selection:

the besieged city

on earth we are briefly gorgeous

the author of on earth we are briefly gorgeous is a poet and this is his first novel
also the either just taught or is teaching course at UMass- Amherst
on hybrid text
in which i am interested
and on his instagram he had the books on the reading list
and
i'm not saying i'm going to read all of them
but
i might

i'm kind of excited for these books

autobiography of red

notebook of a return to native land

don't let me be lonely

the narrow road to the deep north and other travel sketches

humanimal

dictee

one big self

arthur rimbaud

leaves of grass

the continuing saga of the veg box-- recapping week 1-- more oranges!

so
after week 1
i have thoughts:

9 green beans is more than you think it is
micro greens are a use within 3 days sort of thing
are tomatoes not in season?
because they weren't very flavorful
more, more, more
but especially
more oranges!

for week 2
they didn't have green beans : (

here's what i came up with for week 2:

Organic Medjool Dates (0.5 lb)	1	$2.99
Organic Carrots (1 lb)	2	$2.90
Organic Zucchini or Yellow Squash (2 ct)	2	$3.74
Organic Cucumber (1 ct)	3	$2.97
Organic Sweet Potatoes (1 lb)	1	$1.39
Organic Oranges (2 ct)	5	$6.75
Organic Butternut Squash (1 ct)	1	$3.55
Organic Beets (1 lb)	3	$6.45
Conventional Avocados (3 ct)	2	$5.48
Organic Grapefruit (2 ct)	2	$3.76
Organic Turnips (1 ct)	1	$2.19
Subtotal		$42.17
now i'm not thinking this is just for lunches i'm thinking this is food for the week i have some staples and i might need to pick up things to fill in my plan is to pickle/ferment 1 pound of carrots and 1 pound of beets carrot pickles are for lunches as are the cucumbers, summer type squash, oranges, and dates butternut squash i was thinking i'd just cook like plain for dinner but depending on the size i may just do the hollowed out part if you bake them face down, covered it sort of bake-steams and is really good but that depends on how far the other stuff goes because i have an idea to replace a lot of the oil in the vegan mac & cheese recipe i like with butternut squash, tahini, and white miso and those winter squashes keep a while sweet potato, turnip, beet (if i can space it) i'm going to roast i love roasted root vegetables          [need mushrooms] i'm thinking if i can manage to have leftovers i can make a root vegetable frittata i've been kinda fancying that i use croutons                                 [probably need croutons] maybe some morning star farms veg sausage patty smoked paprika so beets i'm making my food truck borscht idea the beets cook down with onion and red pepper flakes             [out of red pepper flakes] and probably other spices until it's like a beet consume (but not really because you don't need to clarify it) but you don't blend up the beets or leave them in at all you just use the broth/consume which you chill then the fermented part                         [need salt!  will alea salt work?!] i'm not sure yet i'm leaning toward fermenting it then blending the beets and the juice in the blender letting them soak in the fridge overnight and then straining them mix that with the spicy beet broth and it should be a hot and sour slice of heaven this could be lunch or dinner or healthy snack it's very healthy then the avocados can be dinner with brown rice unbelievably satisfying or avocado toast yum or just on it's own for/with lunch that seems like a weeks worth of food, right the roasted veg might be alot more than i'm visualizing but i guess if i have too much i could always freeze it, right this week was not what i'd call a success except that i didn't eat junk but those mandarins i'm like wanting to eat nothing but oranges i love you sweetheart goodnight

I fell asleep in the chair

I love you sweetheart
I've been trying to plan food
for my imperfect produce box

I did not get to see you in my dreams
I had bad stressful work type dreams

I am feeling better
drinking the pu-ehr tea
and the veggie lunch
but
I just realized
I've been forgetting the tonic

good morning sweetheart
I love you

i fell asleep in the chair

i love you sweetheart
i hope you had fun today

try to dream with me
meet me at the cabin

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

the quantity
with the two tomatoes
and
the two mandarins
was ok
green bean quantity ok too
I ate more of the salsa/dressing than I thought
greens are messy
they don't work like salad
might be a better way to do it
but
all in all
I don't know that I'm ready for
a bunch of hard core lifting
but
I already did most of that
not bad
we'll see what hunger level is like when I get home

it's gone

i'm not sure how long it's been gone
but the $800,000 monstrosity that's there now was built in 2015
no no, sorry wrong info
$1,600,000

it has 5 bathrooms now (4 full)
it's over 4000 square foot (almost 5000)
it might be 3 stories tall (it absolutely is 3)

i want my house

i have officially stayed up too late

i am not all that tired
except my head and neck are starting to ache
if i didn't have to work tomorrow
i'd probably stay up
but
i gotta go to bed

i love you sweetheart
try to dream with me again

and
why am i in my grandmother's house in my head
i've just found myself there again and again today
maybe it's the last few days
not sure

she's not there
just me
and
sometimes i'm just walking through it
but
sometimes i'm remembering things

the room that was not exactly my room
but my books and toys were there
the stairs to the attic pulled down into that room
the closet i hid in to avoid my mom was in that room

sometimes i imagine
that it's my house
and my room is my grandmother's room
the windows looking out on the tiny yard
plants everywhere

sometimes i see myself
sitting in the dining room
listening to fun house on kpft with headphones or something
late late at night
when i was staying over i guess
must have been

the piano
the pantry
the window air conditioner unit
replaced later by the central air
the tiny-ness of everything

i bet that house was less than 1000 square feet

my grandfather's bedroom
that had been my dad's
he had added on
and it was the man-cavey-est thing you've ever seen
it was just as cool as my grandmother's room
which was the one my father and i were in
but it seemed less cozy then

i'm feeling a deep craving for that house

what do you think that means?

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much 

imperfect produce

ok
so i portioned everything out
into gallon ziplock bags
which is maybe not very environmentally friendly
but
i had them
and i was trying to make lunches
and it worked ok
i can reuse them

i don't think it's enough food
each bag contains

9 green beans
1 tiny container of micro greens
1 or 2 tomatoes
1 or 2 mandarin oranges
neither the mandarins nor the tomatoes are very large
they aren't tiny
the mandarins might even be slightly larger than average for mandarins
but the tomatoes are large for campari tomatoes
but they are beefsteaks
so
they should be good
but not a lot of volume

hopefully it will be enough to tide me over
i don't want to come home starving
because then i will eat more at night

so
we'll see how it works
but
i'm please with the quality of the food
it's a learning curve
i wish i had more green beans

the universe
sent me this musical message
free fallin. Tom petty
don't give up  justin biber
flash dance ( what a feeling)
and this last one might not seem
like much to you
but
I still remember
dancin out of the theater
tennis shoes and multiple leg warmers
feeling like magic
it's that strong
so whether it's a good song or not
it is

I did dream about you

you were being interviewed
and the interviewer
was rude
kept expecting you
to be
busting in and trying to sell something

which
actually
is what most people do do when they're being interviewed
so that would not have been
inappropriate
but you didn't

you were charming and lovely

and there was some more
I can't remember
but
nothing with us personally interacting

then
my mother had somehow screwed me
in a real estate deal
and I had to live
in this house
where I felt radically unsafe
and I was thinking about getting a guard dog

goodnight sweetheart

I want to ask you
a bunch of questions
but
I also don't want to ask you
I don't know what
to think
and
I want not to care
it doesn't matter
it doesn't matter
love is all you need
but
I only sometimes believe that
and then
the rest of the time
I think love is necessary
but maybe not the only thing I need
so
round and round I go
and
I have to go to sleep

I love you
and
that's no lie
but
I had this clear-headedness today
that felt like a sane episode
and
I found that
very unnerving

the imperfect produce box comes tomorrow
day 4 without coffee

if you could dream with me
that would be really good
I want you in my head

I love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

a lot happened today i fell asleep in the chair drinking my tonic which is why this is so late

i customized my first imperfect produce box

i'm not sure what i ordered qualifies as a small box any longer

i started out with 8 items suggested for me
i ran to the back and whipped out my phone
at the first possible minute
i usually don't get my second break
but
i didn't want stuff to be all gone

they had micro green--  spicy blend--  i ordered 5, cause 5 days, right
tomato (2 count)--  i ordered 3--  cause 5 days, right
green beans--  1 bag  (1 pound i think)
mandarin oranges--  i ordered 2 pounds
that might be too much
serrano peppers
pablano peppers (those are for dinner, stuffed)
i got a 2 pound bag of brown rice which is also for dinners
some ginger
and some seaweed snacks

so my plan is micro green salad with green beans
(any extra i will have for dinner
but have you had raw green beans?  they are delicious)
tomato (they are promising beefsteak) for mains
and i'm making a salad dressing
with mandarin, ginger, serrano, and a little olive oil
i'll blend it up in the ninja
and take it in this cute little lunchable container
i got from the grove collective
(the tree free toilet paper people)

i had all these healthy bars and butternut squash
and a bunch of other stuff
but i took it off
my thought was
i'm doing this quick
before they run out
you can always take it off later
and
i was sorry that i hadn't put on another green bean
because the more i thought about it the more i wanted more green beans
but
by the time i got done with my mom at 9
they didn't have any more

so
i'm excited
and it's like $40.
which doesn't seem like much of a savings
but
each individual thing seemed very well priced
especially for organic
so we'll see

my tonic arrived
i love her packaging
it tastes like all those tinctures, kind of
but
a little like campari
so
i'm leaning into that
i put a half teaspoon in my glass i use for margarita
added sparkling water and ice
and it's all melty because i fell asleep
but
i'm charmed
day 2 without coffee
was a little less rough

i got a new brick of pu-ehr
and when it came
i was a little miffed because it was the smallest thing you've ever seen
like 4"x4"
and i'm like
yeah
there's 4 cups for ya
but no
it's amazingly dense
you cannot break it
so i'm there with a knife
trying to scrape off enough to make a cup
like it was some fancy new drug
again, i'm charmed
it's good too
rich and dense, intensely earthy


i went to dinner with my mom
and
i got baby kale salad
and sugar snap peas cooked with mushroom sized onions
and it was so so good
my mother says she's been to the doctor
and had a physical
and she's living 15 more years
now
in december
she had been to her heart doctor
and he said she had deteriorated a lot because of
the stress of dealing with shirley (her sister)
so
i'm not sure how to reconcile those 2 opposing
supposed facts
my mother is an unreliable narrator
so who knows
she seems fine
but
frail
shorter
and very very slow


i love you very much sweetheart
goodnight
love,
        rose

goodnight

i've been up like 9 hours
that's plenty

i'm going to dinner with my mom tomorrow
also
i get to customize my first
imperfect produce box
so
we'll see how that really is

i've been reducing the amount of coffee all week
and today
was the first day
with no coffee
and
truthfully
i'm very very tired

i find
for me
mother's day is anti-inspiring
so
i feel
kinda unreasonably depressed

and
i'm having intrusive thoughts
about dinners
and bouquets of flowers
and
lovely family interludes
so

i'm taking myself off to bed

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
my car part came
my books came
ink should come tomorrow

dream with me tonight
i want you in my head

process of a breakthrough

so
it started with my seeing what my boxwalla box was going to be-- 5yina skincare

https://www.theboxwalla.com/shop/3161/beauty-box

now this brand is a TCM based brand
so you'd think the girl who loves hanbang would be excited
but I wasn't

it's super expensive
and was going to include a $65 value 2oz face mistus
now I'm looking for the perfect face mist 
but
I already found one that's pretty perfect
and I bought two extra ones
but they're too expensive at much less $
because 2oz is about a month's supply
so I'm just just skipping mist
and going right to essence

in fact
since it's gotten warmer
I've pared down my routine
I'm using the Japanese  essence from Ulta [Kitao]
which has ceremides, green tea, and something else and is dirt cheap
then
I use the manyo factory galactomyces serum
then
I use the bonajour propolis serum
then for day I use the Josie maran sunscreen
10 pumps of white and 4 pumps of tinted
which works as makeup and sunscreen
and zinc anti blemish treatment

I wouldn't normally wear sunscreen unless I'm on vacation
because though I start to burn in about 15 minutes
I'm not normally outside for longer than that at a time and I need vitamin d

then I wear a slightly tinted primer
to lock that all in
and I'm really happy with how that looks
and feels

and my skin is liking it
not using the fight or switch serum

at night
after the propolis serum
I put on the yasuni balm
or
like last night
I cleaned my face
but didn't put stuff on it
and then fell asleep in the chair
I threw on some honua olena oil
and my face is pretty happy today

the 5yina also has an oil in the box
It's $165 for the 1oz
and it's designed for oily skin

so
it started with my saying
I don't want this box
it doesn't fit in
and at best it replaces things I already love that are much more affordable
that's not a win

and
I just have something against this brand too
idk what
the reviews for it
sound stepford wife-y

so I think
well I'll switch to the book box
except I don't know what that is yet
and none of it is available to change yet
but
most of the book boxes
haven't looked that good to me
usually only one book looks interesting
and
often even that one
doesn't look like something I actively want to read

so I think
well I'll order the one that looks interesting from April (it's an every other month box, the boxwalla)

https://www.theboxwalla.com/shop/3179/book-box-talkin-about-my-generation

and that is a Japanese woman author
from the 1960s
it's short stories
but
it's called toddler hunting

I start researching it
one reviewer says
the characters in this woman's (Kono) fiction are like the missing women from murakami
that intrigues me
but then
everyone else starts talking about sadism
and masochism
and hating little girls
and watching little boys get dressed
in long descriptive passages
and
I'm like uh, no, I don't want to read that

but I still want to read Japanese women authors
preferably  short stories
and I'm on Amazon
so they're popping up
and I find two I really really want to read

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802128254/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1593766785/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

and then
I start, also
listening to an interview with one of the authors

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Eag3-URh2I

whose book sounds AM-MaZe-ing
and is not a short stories collection
but rather a novel

and
picking out a new fountain pen ink color

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCGX43g1XF8

and
although I want to write the great American novel
I don't think I've ever told you

I think short story is the most perfect form

the way the symbolism and metaphor are central to the work

the poetry of the distillation of the process

and

i've always felt like i was good with the short story

and then

it came to me

i should be doing that

writing short stories

either as like a concept album

or

as something to connect later as a novel

but

to be honest

the concept album idea appeals to me

In progress again

in progress

i fell asleep
i have a bunch of stuff i wanna say
but
i gotta go to sleep now

i love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

look
i'm all paranoid
and everything i say
seems wrong to me
or dangerous

so
whatever
i don't mean you any harm
i don't mean to cause you any trouble

if i have
i'm sorry
it was unintentional

i can stop writing
if it's a problem
or
i can keep writing
but
i love you

i do have a bunch of negative unfiltered crap
that runs around in my head
last week
was really bad
and now i'm on my period again
so
there's that

i'm going to bed early again tonight

i love you very much sweetheart, goodnight

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

car ups and downs

ok
so here's some fun i had today
saturday
as i was going out the apartment exit
the car window would not go back up
i went to work, naturally
i had planned to go early
but
i wasn't running very early
and i ended up using the time to go through
the glove box and whatnot
to move everything to the lockable trunk

so
anyway
car place not open on sunday

i managed to get it to go 3/4 of the way up
and i prayed for no rain
and taped a garbage bag over it the day rain looked threatening

so
today
i took it in
they can, it seems, order a new part
at least of this
and
it's $981.
ok
i can't do that
i say
they say they'll look for a used part
and drop me off at home

i'm like
look
if you can't find a part for a reasonable rate
can you just rig the window shut
i don't have to have a window that opens
but
i can't have it raining in the car

i call them at 5pm
it's ready
they have rigged it shut
try not to slam it hard, the guy says
and if it slips down, just bring it back
we couldn't find a part

if you find one
bring it in

so
i went on ebay
and i found it
(unless i'm mistaken)
for $100.
from a seller who claims to have bench tested it
with 100% positive rating for 1111 transactions
so
fingers crossed
i may get the damn thing fixed
maybe as soon as next wednesday

dreams and stuff

i had a very detailed dream

let me back up a bit
i've been trying to get more sleep
because i feel like shit and i thought it might help
when i sleep a long time though
i tend to wake up with my back all jacked up
so
that's not a lot of incentive
whatever
i'm kinda on an alternating thing this week
and i think it's stimulating dreams
i woke up the other day
and i remembered i dreamed about genocide
but then i couldn't remember any of the details
so last night

there was this viral video

the most viral part of the viral video
was this spasmodic blinking
eyelashes caked with mascara
it became this alien looking thing
and
then there were these signs
they were pretty big
in front of this house
kinda shaped like tombstones
i don't remember what they said
but i tend not to be able to read things in dreams anyway

so
first it was one person
maybe they were talking about being a monster of some sort
or maybe they were talking about this place they lived
and there was a bunch of speculation
was it real
or was it like a "project"

so then
there started to be a bunch of them
with the signs
and the blinking spasmodic eye thing
but
like ostensibly they had gone and joined up
and the signs were in "the yard"
and the blinking thing was with them
so
it became like a chain video, sort of

and so
i had to go and find out
what was what
and it was delinium texas
and i got into some kind of trouble