cave dream

i dreamed last night
i was trapped in a cave
i had my phone
but i couldn't get a signal
and
i realized i was probably going to die there
i was pinned in by some rocks
so
i couldn't really move around to try to find
maybe some alternate way out
so
i realized i probably was going to die there
and
the thing that upset me the most
was
that you were never going to know
you were just going to think
i stopped talking to you


i woke up
i was very upset
it was very real
am i really at home in my bed?
was it just a dream?
i said this aloud
and
my cat came up from the foot of the bed
and lay in my lap for a few minutes
ok
thanks kitty
that was really good

someday
when I run across it
there's a picture of me
with my enormous
teased up hair
from college
can't find it now


there are no pictures
or I don't have any between about 24
and 40-something
other people might have taken some

i'm feeling chatty

so i guess i feel better
i think it's just
ya know, i really need to come up with
the peri menopausal equivalent of happy happy blood time
because there isn't always blood
and it doesn't happen every month
but
when it happens
it's pretty bad
and it deserves a sarcastic name

so
it's headache
nausea
cramping
"intestinal distress"
dizziness
and probably
emotional stuff
because there are hormones

woman hangover comes to mind
but that doesn't seem to reflect the several days that it lasts

if you could take this away and give me hot flashes, please

how about
flash woman-over event?
too dark

i'll keep working on it

i think a three day beach resort vacation
would fix it right up though
lie in the hot sand
get massages and seaweed wraps
have cute young people bring juice

and mineral water
i'm so so into mineral water
i'm almost not drinking iced tea
i'm still drinking coffee
let's not get all crazy

i know it's not technically a big deal
but
when you factor in the degree of incapacitation
and the whole multi-level emotional component
i'm not a fan, i tell ya

i guess it's just part of getting old
but
it's the extra bad part
and it's the woman part
so
predictably i'm complaining--  ha


i hope today
you have nothing bad
and only good smooth sailing

i love you sweetheart

hope you're doing well
the weather here is beautiful
when I've been outside accepting deliveries
otherwise work is kinda blah


course
turns out there's an ozone warning
so
don't actually breathe the air
: )

I wish I could skip work today
I am really not feeling it
I found out some more
about the section of my hand
that seems under construction
the mount of the moon
it has to do with imagination
and creativity
so
maybe
something's
in the works


love you

sweetheart

it occurs to me
that you may think
all this palmistry stuff
is a metaphor
and I admit
that does sound like me
but
I assure you
I quite literally
am looking at my hand
and daily seeing changes


now
I'm nit ruling out crazy
I rarely rule out crazy
mostly
because when you have ruled out crazy
that
that is when you're probably crazy


but
I'm not
ok


I love you

ok, the palmistry thing is a little dramatic

and
i'm sorry
but
i really am freaking out a little
i'm beginning to wonder if i'm somehow doing it
and
that made me wonder
if then
i couldn't make the wrinkles go away
although
i don't have an objection to them, mostly

i'm going to bed now

i love you sweetheart

I don't know what's going on with you
but I just like vibrated for like ten minutes
a little while ago
so
now
I'm super curious
wassup?!

good morning sweetheart

and
I realize he's not singing the song
and
I don't even know if he did
ever
but this is pretty much exactly
how she played it
so
I'm guessing she'd heard it

memories

i don't think i've ever mentioned
i had like a few impressions i did
on the regular
when i was a kid
i can't remember
i'm sure there were more
but
the ones i remember right now

howard cosell
jimmy durrante

now
it's not like i was rich little or somethin
i wasn't doing dialog
i did
this is how-ard co sselll
and
ha-cha-cha-cha-cha
but
you made me think of it
also
my gran gran loved jimmy durrante
which is
i'm sure
why i did that one

but i can definitely remember her playing this song
it was in my regular repetoir

the fate line
is now
very faintly
attached to the star
and
the whole thing seems
connected now
so that it runs up
into my middle finger
straight off the palm itself
I'm also pretty sure
my heart line is changing

she got that job
and
Denis said he wouldn't rehire her
so
good

so, now that i'm looking at my hand i'm shocked to discover something else

my fate line
has always been ify
first I thought I didn't have one
then I realized that was just because
I had pieces
that maybe counted as a "line"
or maybe didn't
I wasn't sure
but
there seemed to be good stuff
with the star on my Saturn mount
so I figured maybe
I'd get it all together some day
but
ya know how the attachment line
it's lighter
like it's just drawn in
well
I got that on my fate line now too
which I really don't get
does that mean
like, retroactively
I was really doing everything right?
it's a really pretty curving line
it makes a triangle in the branch of my headline and it hooks up with my heartline right before the star
so
maybe that means
the star is unconnected to my fate
maybe it turns out to be bad
but
somehow
I don't think so

i found an answer

This indicates deep and long lasting love. People blessed with this Line type have a happy and satisfying married life. If this deep line is close to or touches the Sun Line, it says that you not only have a happy married life but you are also bound to be successful in your career post marriage.


this is a quote from Mona Punjabi


I don't know her, but I thought it was right to give her credit and I didn't want to link the whom article.

goodnight sweetheart

i hope you are having a beautiful day
i hope i see you in dreamland

i don't know how much you know about palmistry
i don't know that much
but
i have noticed my lines changing over the years
and
i'm also very interested in palmistry
and i don't seem to be able to really get a handle on it
every few years i take another stab at it
but it still seems to elude me
so
i can't remember how i went down that rabbit hole today
but i did
and

i just realized
that my attachment line is shooting across my hand

now
i'm not aware of this being a thing
but
it didn't use to be like that
this is new
and it's not really deep yet
this new part
i mean
it really looks new
but
i can't find what it means
and, i mean
surely it means something

last time
Karl wrote her a shining review
hoping she'd get hired
and she did
but
it was a school or something
idk
and she posted something
on facebook
about what a monster some kid was
and the school let her go
this is like two weeks maybe
and they rehired her here
she wasn't a dept head then

I'm working today
because
I switched with that girl
who I'm mad at
I'm not really mad anymore
but
she has a job interview
and I'd like to facilitate
her moving on from my space
so I switched
I hope she gets it
and
I little bit
of the vindictive part of me
hopes she gets fired when she pulls her crap
at the new job
and that they won't rehire her here
or
they rehire her
but not as a dept head
and with less pay
is that super mean?

I just nodded off
sitting up
holding my phone
and
I woke up
with a weird song
in my head


I can cancel
I can cancel
ten million dance steps


what do you think
that's about?

Of course
I say
she can't help it
but
I can help it
so
does that mean that I think I'm better
or
that I hold myself to a higher standard
than I hold anyone else to
and
the answer is yes
to both of those things
whether that's good or bad
I'm not sure


but
I do wish
the woman I fantasized was my mother
I wish she'd shown up
she didn't
so
I guess I tried to become her


I'm pretty sure she had more money, though
: )

I dont have time to read over it but I don't think that came out sounding quite like I meant it


I do not mean that my mother I s dumb bitch
I mean
she would scream at me
and it wasn't really based on as anything I did or did not do
but
instead
it was based on her mood
many times she would find a reason to pick a fight with me on mornings when I had a big test
I think of her as abusive
but
she couldn't really help it
I guess
her father beat her
according to her
at least he spanked her with a belt
which counts as beating
but
it's not like being punched in the face or like that
at least she didn't beat me
I'm grateful for that
but
cuntface pushed most of the same buttons
and I'm glad she got that store up north of town
and I'm glad she's not coming back
she didn't deserve me
not even for a minute

fun times at last

it's so much nicer
not to have to deal with
a stupid crazy bitch
who can't remember what she told you to do
but will yell at you if it's not done the way she now thinks she might have said
and is always looking for
how you're giving her lip
because
surely I am


it was like working
for my mom

i need margaritas

I want to know things
and
I want to play
today
as it turns out
is kinda boring
cuntface is gone
so I can do my job ok-ish
Denis is the manager now
he's my fourth since I've been here


hope everything I going well for you

weird dreams

I dreamed a bunch of stuff
I can't remember
most of it
but
I do remember
I was working at a grocery store
I was scanning
this lady had a big box of trays
and I was scanning each one individually
and that was
taking forever
also it was calling out over the intercom
"frau" and some message I can't remember
but like frau so and so saves today with
whatever the store was
which was not what the message was in America
so
I thought that was funny
I called attention to it
but also
the trays were ringing up $5.99
and they should have been just a few cents
so I called somebody to fix it
and that situation kinda faded


I was talking to somebody from the group
about the death process
he was telling me something
and I was just about to tell him
about Tibetan sky funerals
when something switched again


now
I was washing clothes
I think in college
but rather than washing them
and giving them back to
whomever they belonged
they were sorted by color on these long long shelves
I guess you just had to remember you clothes
and seek them out
it was stressing me out
it wasn't right
and
was a lot of work
for something that didn't make any sense
then
Chanel (a woman I work with) was admonishing me
for not greeting or talking to her
but
I was busy
and
I realized how what I did could be interpreted as rude
but
I couldn't believe
that, in context, she really thought it was rude
so I tried to make nice
but I don't think it worked


it was weird

I'm working today
because I have a reset
hope everything I good with you
did you know there's a museum
that has paintings
that are sort of like covers
of Van Gogh
cause I did not know that

goodnight sweetheart

I'm going to bed now
you might already be awake
the phone's starting to get hot
so it prolly doesn't have more than 6 months left in it
and windows phone
didn't make it
so I'll have to get something else
I don't think I want iPhone
so I'm researching so I'll know
I want good speakers
I'm used to good speakers
and I want to use it as a music device
but
I want a good camera too
it doesn't have to be an amazing camera
but, ya know, not bad
also
I would like to be able to vlog
that requires
some learning on my part
but also a phone capable of it
I feel like
that would improve my content
for you


but
I'm a little scared of android
windows seemed easy
android seems confusing
but
apple has no customization
and I hate that
but
it's probably easier
and has a good camera
and video support
I love the tile feature
I don't understand why that didn't take off
the icons on the other platforms
are so ugly
whatever
I'm sure I can figure it out
and I've got a while
just thought I'd mention it


I love you sweetheart  

a bunch of bits

when i went to sleep last night
i was pretty agitated
but when i woke up this morning
i felt like
you had
i'm not sure
did you talk to me
did you hold me
idk
but i felt better when i woke up

then
when i drove to work
two birds flew in front of my car
not quite close enough to make me think i was going to hit them
but definitely close enough to make me notice
these birds seemed like a couple
then
another set of birds flew by
these were not as close
and they were higher in the air
i was definitely in no danger of hitting them
bt these birds seemed like
they might have been chasing each other
like fighting but maybe not quite
but it didn't seem friendly

i use birds as a sign
quite a bit
and
they almost never fly in front of my car anymore

but i had begged for signs
the day before
and
i don't think god gave me any
or else i didn't see them
now
here was a sign twice
was it relevant that the relationship of the birds
seemed different


this morning
i looked on a shelf in my cabinet
and the lovers tarot
was in a different position than i remember leaving it
but it's been a while
and
i probably moved it the last time i was looking for something
but
it was in a weird position
on it's side
i can't recall ever setting a deck on it side
it was weird
(i said that) but it caught my attention
so i picked it up
and there was a ring that i haven't worn in forever
it's not like such a beautiful ring
but
it's hematite, which is very grounding
and sturdy
and it's a ring that fits my middle finger
most rings i have fit my ring finger
or pinky
but very few the middle finger
and
i don't feel like i can wear rings to work that are on my ring finger
because it's too easy for them to get knocked
and that finger is weak
on my left hand for sure
but even on the right
since i'm missing that tendon
and the top knuckle doesn't bend
i just don't like to mess up my system for lifting heavy stuff without damage
but
i figured
if it's gonna show me a ring i had forgotten about
that's grounding
when i kinda need extra grounding
then i'm wearing it
and i enjoyed it
i wish i could remember when and where i bought it
it's hand made for sure
and i probably got it at an art show or maybe the blue hand
but i must have had it at least twenty years
it really isn't my style at all now
and i figure there must a some message in the ring
and if i could remember details
they might be important to the message

i was big into hematite in the late eighties and early nineties
but then i kinda got over it
and i can't think why it would have been just loose in the cabinet
unless my mom brought it to me in with stuff she found
which is totally possible
although it is hand made
and i like that
it bothers me that it is kinda flat on one side and curved on the other
where they either flattened it or didn't flatten the other side
before they cast it
the asymmetry bothers me
i don't think that's the message


i don't think i told you about meeting red jasper
when i went on that trip
which i may not have told you about
it was the summer when i was eleven (i think)
i went to massachusetts with the woman who ran the weird school i went to
i didn't really want to go
because i thought the time with her would make school weird
which it did, i was right
but my mom made it clear that if i didn't go
i would never hear the end of it
it was good for me, mostly
but there was a point where i was on a rocky beach
which was new to me
i had only known sandy beaches
and
i picked up this red stone that was calling to me
and it was like it started singing to me
like it was connected to my soul
like we loved each other
but it was a rock
so that was a little odd
but
i mean i'd been talking to trees since i could walk outside and get to the tree
so not that weird
anyway
i found out later
it was red jasper
and i'm not sure why i didn't think it was just like that particular rock
like maybe it was like moana's rock
but, no
i assumed it was the whole red jasper family that had the relationship with me
although i'm not sure another one has sung to me
https://www.healingcrystals.com/Red_Jasper_Articles_90.html

i have always kinda wanted a red jasper ring
but i've not really ever found one
and
just the day before i was very drawn to a crocodile ring
and i'm like, crap, is that a new totem
what would that mean

also
about nirvana
those things those music theory type things
are exactly the things that most drew me innitially
that sound
so now i'm wondering
should i make an effort to learn music theory
because although i've learned the scales
i don't know any of the actual theory
and i always figured
well, that's maths honey
you probably can't learn it
but i'm kinda interested now


i feel like there was more

i'm going to bed now
you may be already awake
i love you sweetheart

ok, if you ever wondered just how quickly my skin responds to sun

I don't know how long I've been out here
not too long
my upper arms
were very very white
because, let's face it
they pretty much never see the light of day
I just watched them "tan"
in real time
they are more of a flesh tone
and I mean covered
with tiny tiny freckles
if I stay out too much longer
I'll be burned
but
the way my skin works
it takes hours to develop
by the time it looks a little pink
it's too late
I'm gonna be lobster red
in four or five hours


the rest of my skin is a little safer
from years of sun exposure
sun damage
wow
the freckles are growing
probably need sun screen
my face feels a little tight
I wonder
will I get freckles on my face
I haven't
I don't think
for years
but I did when I was a kid

omg it's so beautiful today

this could be every day
and I would be fine with it
I'm talking weather


it's 70
but real feel 72
there's a breeze
it's pretty breezy
it's sunny
you could wear a light sweater
if you weren't gonna be doing much
but
I'm outside in my sleeping
around the house clothes
which is regular pants
but they got big flowers in em
so
like
I like em
but I'm not wearin em out in public
and my
let's be honest
at this point really needs washing
blue tank top
which I love also
and I wish I had a porch
or a yard
or a terrace
so I could sit out in this and drink my coffee
I slept in
cause I've only gotten five hours of sleep
a bunch of nights in a row
and I had toast
and watched some guy sing a bunch of times
and then
I went to check the mail
and that's when I discovered
I was squandering the most beautiful day
by being inside
so I came out here
and am writing this on my phone
I'm gonna go get my coffee
this is a great chance to get
some vitamin D


I love you
hope everything is well

also
I have no idea
what jewelry she's talking about
it's no like she's Liz Taylor

sorry, thanks for listening

i know that wasn't really all that interesting
my issues with my mom
but
i really don't get her

oh
the storm is coming
i just heard really loud thunder

goodnight sweetheart

in dreamland
i'd like to go for a walk
but our clocks are all off
so i don't know if we can
maybe tomorrow
i'll try to go to bed early tomorrow

i love you