i'm listening to windup bird chronicles

I think it is one of my favorite books
I had forgotten
how poetic
the language


I really love it

i want to make clear

i'm not asking you
do you think I'm a rockstar
do you think my voice is awesome
look at me, look at me


I'm asking you
if you personally like it
if I'm in the kitchen, doing dishes
and I'm singing
which, probably I am
do you like that breathy phrasing, or whatever


and
I also want to make clear
I wasn't trying to say all the covers sucked
I didn't even listen to most of them
I was looking for a female singer
and there just weren't many
and whatever


I feel like maybe I made it sound
like I they just sucked
and none of the ones I heard sucked
they just didn't sound good enough
for me to want to use their videos


and that's not the same thing, at all

did that "breathy" thing make sense

cause it might be
technically
called something else
but I'm not sure what to call it

i'm thinking about you

i was watching rockstar
which i never saw before
it doesn't really matter, the point is
at the end, there is this song

and i looked and looked for a cover by a woman
but there weren't many
and the one i found weren't good
and after about five pages of youtube search
i'm like
whatever
i'll just post the one with lyrics

all of which made me think of my singing
and that kind of breathy thing i do
do you know what i'm talking about

and i wondered
if you like that
if it's emotive, or just kinda weird
there are other female singers that do it
but
maybe not exactly the same way

i just wondered
because
i think i spent a lot of time suppressing it in choir
and when my voice was all fucked up i couldn't
and when it came back-ish
i think my natural reaction was to go back to "pretty"
but
it is something i've been doing since about second grade
so it's indigenous
and i find myself really playing with it

but
when i was listening to people do covers
i wondered if i am as unaware of myself as many of these people are
and i thought i'd ask you

today was better

don't get me wrong
it wasn't awesome or anything
but
I still have enough energy to go to the grocery store, so, not too bad


I don't understand how I got so jacked up
so quickly
when I thought I was doing well
but
realistically
I may just be broken

i went back to work yesterday

it was rough
wish me luck today
then I'm off Sunday and Monday
hopefully by Tuesday i'll be better

i don't really understand how i can sleep this much

but
I just lie down
I'm listening to the same book
I've been listening to to go to sleep
for a long while now
midnight crossroads
it's by the woman who wrote the true blood books
it's a little better, honestly
because she's left the romance out
it's set in west Texas
in a town that doesn't seem like it could really exist
with a bunch of characters with funny names
bobo, Fiji, creek, lemule, manford
it's more of an ensemble piece
but she thinks she's carefully laying groundwork
for the future
but it's not very stealthy
I guess I like it ok
the reader's good
and it puts me right to sleep
which is probably not what she was going for

not going to work today

I'm now taking much larger doses of the gotu kola
and this morning, before I woke up the first time
I dreamed I had gone to work
even though I was planning to call in sick
unless it was totally better
work had been completely remodeled
and I was sure I was in a dream
but to check
I decided to try to fly
I know I can't fly in real life
and sure enough
I could lift off and hover three or four feet above the ground
so that's like lucid dreaming


I never could fly any better than that in dreams
even as a child


but
after I called in sick
I went back to bed
because my plan is to sleep
everything heals better when you sleep
and I went back to work
but I was completely completely different
and there was an upstairs


I went up the escalator to upstairs
and it was
Christmas trees


then there was some more stuff I don't remember
and I decided to test the lucid dreaming thing
by changing what I was wearing


that was not completely successful


white linen wide pant, I said
with a white linen shirt that stops at the waist
but is longer on the sides
I thought it very hard


I got a white linen dress with a huge lace section below the knee and a ruffle
yuck
I kept trying
I couldn't do it
I did finally da something like
something I can tolerate to be seen in
and got this brown outfit with little turquoise pom pom things on the bottom for fringe
which sound awful
but it was really nice


there was also some really cool furniture
with wine racks built into it


but
that first dress
that it just did not want to let go of
it looked like a peasant wedding dress

i did this meditation exercize

because I've been sleeping all day
and so finally
when I went to bed after dinner
I couldn't sleep
and when I meditated on your name
I saw this beautiful field
with grass and wildflowers
and a lake
and we were together there
and we were in love
and everything was
beautiful


I'm not sure why it was a grassy field
instead of the desert
usually in my fantasies we meet in the desert
but this was very spring
verdant

i dreamed

I was living in the high desert
working at a little store
and I had a whole backpack full of supplements
I don't remember what they were
but
I was sure they would fix me
also
and I'm extremely uncertain what this means
but
it was like I just got dropped into it
I had apparently been living there a while
and you could look out the windows of the store and see these beautiful vistas
and
I was SO happy
and weirdly, also
there was this really cool
soft sided canvas luggage
with graphics printed on
but I wasn't sure
if I had already paid for it
I was looking for a receipt

i love you

I'm not doing that great
I'm spending the day in bed today
it's better, but not as much better as I'd like


I'm sorry sweetheart
I know you want me to be writing
all this inspiring stuff to you
I know that's what I'm for
but, honestly
I just don't feel good


and I'm having all these negative self talk
ideas and images
so everything I start to write
isn't really what I want to say to you


and
that would be pointless


but
what i want, really
is for you to be happy
but
in a strong, confident, rockstar way
like you are the greatest thing going
and
if I were with you
I'd rather put up with bullshit and have you FEEL POWERFUL
than have you be well behaved
and feel cowed
I don't know why that is in my mind so much
maybe because
I prefer freewilled love
maybe because I don't feel very powerful right now, so it's on my mind

and granola bars!

hey, guess what

you know how i said
that the texture of my hair had changed
well, as it turns out, that's not all--  it's getting thicker

like
the thinning that bothered me so much
well, i don't know how much it can have changed
in just a few months
but
i don't notice it anymore
seriously

also
i've had this furrow between my brows
my thinky wrinkle--  which never ever bothered me at all
i've had it since i was like 30--  it's almost completely gone

but
i'm back on the gotu kola for a while now
but, i've got the dreams down to failing tests
and i'm crying at every movie or tv show i watch
and i want to punch people at work
but i'm not sorry to be alive
so not too bad


however
i was having this pain in my back
which might have been from lifting
but i was afraid it was my kidneys wanting to rupture or something
so i decided not to take the msm for 24 hours
to let it wash out of my system
just in case
because i'm taking megadoses
and it's supposed to be nontoxic but blah blah didn't trust
and now my right calf is hard and hot

i'm kinda pissed
because i'm a listen to your body kind of person
and i was pretty sure that was what my body told me to do
but i was doing great
and now i'm kinda backslid


and it took me so long to get to that point

also
i'm pretty sure i've lost some weight
not sure
but i could barely eat for a couple months
all my cloths seem loose
stuff that looked good on me looks kinda baggy/sloppy
my face looks more right
so i'm going with lost weight
my scale is broken so i can't weigh myself
but i don't know what i weighed, so that wouldn't help anyway


also
what i seem to want to eat has changed dramatically
i want bananas
fruit smoothies
tomato and mozzarella

so i probably need potassium and calcium and iron

but it turns out
that mozzarella is pretty high protein low fat
and bananas are cheap
so, baller

hope you are happy and healthy

hope you know I love you
hope
some other stuff

i had a rough day, and i'm not taking the gotu kola tonight

one of the effects
that the gotu kola can have
is to "balance" mood
but
I did not feel balanced
so
if it gives me dreams, whatever
but
if it makes me depressed
then I don't think, on balance it's a good idea
I cried plenty
I don't need more
also
I might be premenstrual
I've lost track
seems right though


so
tonight
I'm hoping for happier dreams


because
I don't really think my life is shitty at all
I've just got stuff
that's sub optimal
happening
a lot of it

brief description

it was something
something about lovers
they were wrapped, draped, something
in maybe silk
or cotton
or paper towel
anyway, white
but rolled out like those old school hand towels, but nicer
and the the guy was Amish
but, no, really he was Jewish
and something about
upstate New York
and
at the top
was my second ever teddy bear Taco
now
one of my earliest memories
so we're talking 2-3 here
Taco lost an eye
and I was hysterical
and my daddy took some felt
cause Taco is a panda bear and he's got black around his eyes
he took some felt and a button
and he sewed a new eye on him
so he could see again

ok now, i had another dream

I don't have time to write it
but
I love you
and
if you are sending me
whatever it is that is making me want to cry
then stop it
I'm not saying its you
it might be my shitty life
but if it is
stop

the most amazing bathroom

I was gonna buy this house
I guess
it was not in a good neighborhood
it had like a 16 foot high ceiling
with a diorama mural of the history of baseball
the floor had those little hex white tiles
but then it also had deft blue picture tiles


I just want to be able to sit on the porch and drink coffee
I was saying
if I can't feel safe to sit on the porch and drink coffee
I can't buy it

no dreams

ok, i have to keep taking the gotu kola

because I think there is a noticeable improvement
but
I think
this is gonna be
difficult


because
even though that dream was better
I wouldn't say
it was a good dream


but
on the plus side
it'll help me write my ayhuasca thing


p.s.
my hair texture has changed
I don't want that, but I need other stuff
so now
it's silky and soft
which makes it less curly
but
it feels good
so there's that

well, that one was better

I was going to see a show
in Oregon
I stopped
had an adventure
stopped at a park
went in some sort of community center
spent the day
talked, made friends
the hot black guy was like
we got to get together
I'm like
I'm too old for you
and I'm kinda with someone
and he's
unh, whatevah and turns away
then I had to go so I could make it to the show on time
I le ft, drinking a delicious cold coffee drink
and thinking what a good time I had
but then
I was walking back to my car woman runs up to me with her pregnant teenage daughter
and, I don't know, wants me to bless them or something
I tell her I don't know anything
I don't have any children
she calls me
a fucking attorney


I walk back to where i left the car
and my beautiful little blue rental is gone
it's been stolen
and I realize
now there doesn't seem to be any way to make it to the show at all

gotu kola

I am trying gotu kola added in
trying to fix a health problem
but
I don't think I'm going to be able to take it
I just had a dream
and
it can give you crazy dreams
so I think we can blame it


I don't remember all the bits
but
a creature
who started out
just looking like a really attractive black guy
but then
took on snakelike features
was rubbing up on me
and I'm like no
I don't want that
and then his neck opened up
below his chin
and started pouring out
I don't know
gore
all over me
and there were
things
bits of stone and bark
and Blair witch stuff in my bed
WTF


I am not well for this


I have to go back to sleep


I know you love me
can you please please please
send pretty happy things to dreamland


I can't handle gothic dreams

ok, probably i shouldn't write this

i was looking a my brother's website
i haven't talked to him
i just wanted to kinda check in

with what i'm not sure

i love his new logo
it's genius

his work
is his work
and i'm not here to critique or praise it, but...

i am having a problem with one little thing

and

i'm having a problem with my having a problem with it


typically i would say to him  your father  
but
i find with this i want to claim him somehow

he laminated my father


why do i have a problem with that?
really, i'm asking.


when we were growing up
he always said he wanted to be taken out into a field in a heafty bag and blown up

to get him to stop
i told him i was gonna bronze him and prop him in a corner

this is somehow, to me, and unsettling mixture of the two

credo

there's a line from a movie i saw once, or more accurately, a conversation from the movie that sticks in my head--  they are talking about addiction.  they are in rehab and asking each other what is their primary.  one character doesn't know and they are all like:  what do you go back to if things are really bad.

well, i have an extrapolated version about art.

i ask myself:  are you a writer or a visual artist.  and i answer myself this way:

when i paint something, and it's good, it has a precious quality because i'm never sure if i could so something that good again.

 when i write something, and it gets lost. i'm like, oh well, whatever i write next will be better anyway.

i say, that makes me a writer.

hey

I feel you
really strongly this morning
what's up