censored

i guess you are a campfire girl for the NSA
i'm used to your surveillance
but i only ever spoke to you that once
when i lost my temper
at your tone

you're doing me a favor really
i don't want to
hear what you have to say
and
how can you possibly make me feel bad
that you have everything i want
if you can't rub my nose in it

i was a teenage girl once too
and what you don't know about me
was i hung in a shark pack
where, if you didn't say it first and sharpest
you got eviscerated
so
i could have heather skills, if i wanted

but i don't
i don't want that big lots episcopal DOD
get that girl some aqua net
whatever

you have every right to your privacy
i thank you for it
really

i love you

i should have written you about my dream

but
it was too complicated
it had to do with
zombies
the manipulation of time
to try to defeat said zombies
an heroic Buffy type teen aged girl

and I woke up repeatedly
with leg cramps
I need to drink water
but
I'm not drinking water
I'm dehydrated
that's got to be the reason

I don't understand
why won't I drink the water
what's wrong with me

hope you are having a good day

I still have a headache
but it's not so debilitating
my sleep cycle is all fucked up
my cat is angry
I'm now using two eye creams
and
I probably won't be all that entertaining today either

maybe I will
but
managed expectations

I do not have beautiful feet
but
I would do almost anything for a good foot massage
my left arch has been killing me
off and on for weeks

I guess
if I lost weight
blah, blah, blah

I just want it not to hurt, right now

you got stuff that hurts too, right
it's not just me

I guess I'll hobble down stairs and make some
migas, maybe

I ended up having an interesting dinner
I had frozen salmon burgers
cut up into tacos
but instead of cabbage slaw, california
I did a ton of iceberg, texmex
but
with olive hummus base
and
ranch and that green sauce, sauce
I didn't bother with tomato, or cheese
so
total hybrid
but I make these wraps
with hummus and spinach and
usually raw mushrooms
and tomato
sauce or no sauce, variations
I started out being good
using multi grain
but have degenerated to jalapeno cheese wraps
so this was a variation of that
really
I don't eat elaborate meals very often

big salads
wraps
baked potato
seared tuna with fresh or frozen veg
brown rice and veg
delivery veggie pesto pizza
delivery Chinese sweet and sour shrimp or tofu homestyle
walk over to the Mexican restaurant
pasta or Asian noodles with varied topping
veggie burger or dog very rarely
but every once in a while
that's the regular rotation
oh, yeah
stuffed peppers
sometimes nachos
sometimes I'll make a big batch of
something in the crock pot
or soup
but those tend to cluster in waves
like
I'm in the mood for it
and it tends to be more wintery
in the other seasons
I'm less likely to have a craving for that sort of
hearty fare
although, that's not true
sometimes I take that stuff for lunches

I would probably be more
consistently exciting
if I was cooking for someone else
although, I don't knowexcep
I've never really done that
except for holidays

i woke up with like a migraine

and upset stomache
and my boss is screwing me next week for inventory
because
she is making me work wed til 4pm
and then Thurs 4am
so there's no way I'll get any sleep
and the next week is promo change

I'm sure the reason I feel bad is partially
that I've been getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night, recently
although, maybe not
because I just slept 5 hours straight
and my head still hurts so bad I can't stand it

anyway
since she's screwing me
I felt justified in calling in sick
because if I start out at that much of a deficit
how will I be able to get through

but
it turned out to be good
because my air conditioner was broken
really the thermostat
and
tomorrow probably wouldn't have been
a maintenance day

I guess I'll fix something to eat
not too enthusiastic about food

I think you want me to tell you a story
but
right now
I got nothin

I love you

la vida loca {ironically}

i'm not sure where to start
i was at dinner with my mom
i was talking about my most recent skincare experimentation

oh there's so much
i gotta edit
or else
you will snore
there is no way to explain this, hang on

old school

the noxema inspired me to reopen the cold cream fantasy

i bought a merle norman circa 1930s cleansing cream
it smells
it is greasy
i thought i was gonna do a hot cloth cleanser thing
i went to target
i looked at make up for an hour and i bought wash cloths
[that was the other day]

i was telling my mom the permutations
[hot cloth rated poorly]
{she is in no way interested in this}
and i got myself so worked up
i had to stop at walgreens

they were on shift change, i guess
and the girl leaving, she recognized me
oh, you missed the la roche posay event we had today

you need to get her on the email list
[this she says to bobby]

does she like she like la roche posay

yes, and vichy, oh, and 100% pure too, just put her down for-- everything


after she left
bobby asked me

how does she remember you
do you come in, a lot

no, not really
one day i came in and i saw how you had it all set up
i got kinda excited about it
and for a couple weeks
i came a bunch of times
i haven't been in for a little over a month
i think it's that i stay, for like an hour and a half

if i was guessing, i'd say bobby is gay
but i'm not guessing
it's of no interest to me
he has this almost
no
the best way to put it is clean cut
he might be anything between fifteen and twenty two
i would have been willing to go as high as twenty five, but
he told me, at the end
that he made his mother buy him special avene after shave cream
[which is also what pushed the lower scale down]

he showed me the new color collections from the balm

he has beautiful, amazing eyebrows
i want his eyebrows
i want to ask him exactly what he does
[this could have gone on longer
i am sparing you
eye grooming upper deck forum]

back to the la roche posay event
they had left gifts with purchase behind them
free with purchase of two items

now it is clear from the packaging that the idea is sunscreen
but i already bought their sunscreen, last month
and it is expensive
and tinted
and way way way too dark for me to put on my face
but the free gift is eye cream
they have five retinol
one with PRO-XYLANE™and LINACTYL
i put the serum from this line substaine [+] on my face once
and my face said:  mmmmmmm
so i'm interested
and this eye cream is about $45

i put it in my basket, i walk around

vera moore camphor mask smells great, contains clay and oatmeal

rodial has beautiful chrome packaging

what i'm out of
what i'll, for sure, use
eau thermale

wait
any two items

[he was at lunch
i waited]

yes

score
full size eye cream

i love you

I hope you're ok
I guess I haven't said much
but
that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you

i'm not really sure i learned that much about soccer

chile kinda kicked spana's ass

i learned bicycle
i've got a really solid feeling for what's a faul
and that's not nothing i guess

they don't wear padding
except shin guards
your shins are apparently the only thing that needs protecting
they don't, or they don't all
seem to wear
i think i saw junk, i was not looking for junk

we talked about soccer injuries
from her broken nose
a friend's father's metal cheek bone
concussions
soccer is a real sport

injury time

at one point
i said to her
it looks to me as though
spain is playing a completely defensive game
trying to keep chile from scoring
but they're down two
they need to be trying to make goals
they don't seem to have a plan
the players seem too scattered
is that right

yes, she said
they don't have [i forget his name] this year
and nobody seems to want to step up
and at the goal box
there should be like three of them where there's one guy alone

so i guess
i have a general feel

oh, yeah, and they wear bright shoes

and the spanish fans are great
they would get all excited
and then
completely
deflate
and
some of them had girlfriends who didn't care
and they just kept on smiling
because their trip wasn't being completely fucked up
while spain was being eliminated early
after winning last time
she was still gonna get to shop
[i swear i saw it on their faces]

apparently
everybody doesn't play everyone else
there is some sort of seeding
or something
and
she didn't really know
so
i'm back to not really knowing anything there

i want to know
does it make me bad, somehow
that i think i could like women's soccer
but i don't really see myself bothering with the men's

should i have asked that question


i love you

it's soccer day

we'll see what I learn

so there are all these tie ins for world cup

and many of us are asking each other
when did this become a thing
are Americans really into world cup

now
one girl I know
she comes by and asks me about world cup
and I'm all like:
I had football and baseball growing up
I don't really know anything about
other sports
I'm really interested in basketball
and women's soccer
I feel the momentum
I know I'd like em
but reading about them
isn't going to work
what I'm really waiting for
is someone to teach me about them

well, I was so stuck in my rut of
when did this become a thing
that I forgot
this girl played soccer
all through school
then coached and reffed kids
she is an angry girl
and the only things that I've ever seen
that made her cheerful
were talking about being in the military
and soccer

she's like:
oh
I'll fucking teach you soccer
proceeds to whip out her phone
find a day we can both watch a game

then later
she pulls out her phone again
I tried to show b and a this earlier
and they just looked at me like I was wasting their break time
and I'm always doing that to her too
because she always wants to tell me
some depressing morbid shit
she saw in the news
but
this time:
ok
this is the last minute of the u.s. women's team
from the last world cup
they got 3 minutes added
because (can't remember the name) was so obviously faking injury, trying to run out the clock

and she shows me
the ball is in play
it goes to this girl on the side
she kicks it
what looks really randomly to me
it flies across the field like magic right into this other girl's head
and then smoothly into the goal
I had just seen it
but
it didn't look possible

then
with the replay
she explains
in a way
that I now understand
there are quadrants of the field
players pretty much always stay in their areas
because of rules, but also because
everyone is pretty specialized
and
you can't be forward of the defenders
and yellow card
can become red card if you are

so
it's not like I understand soccer
but in 15 minutes
she just blew up the nothing I knew
into a context
that I now know enough to ask a question

instead of
when we were trying to find a game
every time she said SPAIN
I said: REAL MADRID?
until
she finally smiled at me
like she was talking to a 3 year old
and said: well, yeah, Real Madrid is FROM SPAIN
and it snapped
no
this is like world baseball classic
or the olympics
the team is comprised of the best PLAYERS
FROM that country
I had thought it was like soccer super bowl

yesterday
some people were asking me:
why does it go on so long
and I was all like:
I think it must be because
since it isn't existing teams with standing records
everyone has to play everyone else
pretty much
it's more like the olympics than the super bowl

and
I haven't felt like that
since I was helping tourist on the tube

and later
it occurred to me
it probably means something to her
not just because she gets to watch soccer with someone who is interested
but
she gets to TEACH ME something
I know nothing about
cause you know
I know everything, right
I don't
but
I come off like that, I guess

I thought
that was pretty exciting

I have hoped
for many years
that you'd teach me basketball
maybe I'll just keep hoping that

happy father's day

later, i have some here's-my-life-catchup stuff to tell you

nothing exciting
but
kinda cool
I love you
I hope you are happy and healthy
and running with the wolves
[I don't really know what I mean by that
it just popped into my head]

counting coup

against your collar bone
dancing dragonfly
the blue road stretches out, forever
i picture my tattoo

joshua tree, back lit
sky impossibly blue
stretched out across the desert
phantasmagorical detritus of a soul
scattered
and
followed
like hansel and gretel [candy house out of frame]

words projected on white t shirts
side step the sidewinders
who are these women who tell you to stop
i say man the torpedoes
full steam ahead
what's more
than
creation

we stole those big ole suckers
from the lollipop kids

here come the flying monkeys

you know how periodically i get a card that pops up again and again, well

this is the one that's been popping up
lately
it is the swiftness card
sudden change or communication
or breakthrough
like
whatever you've been working on
suddenly there's movement
I don't see how there can really be
sudden-ness
with us
but
maybe this means something else
or
maybe it makes sense to you

eight of fire

eight of staves

eight of wands

i slept a really long time

and I had a bunch of dreams
but I just remember bits
I remember analyzing my dreams
maybe one of the times I got up to pee
thinking: march march, april march
lots of stuff about marching

I was driving with someone
we were looking for the best Mexican restaurant
but we only had an hour for lunch
we weren't going to stop
but then we did
and we ordered
to go
but then
this plate was in front of me
and I was eating it
I think it was squid
it looked like squid
it was amazing
and enormous
I ate and ate
and then this girl said:
that's not yours you know
and there was some problem
how would I compensate the person
whose food I'd just eaten
and I'd probably be in trouble for the two hour lunch

then
there was some crisis
the father figure was missing
I was on the phone
with someone
and we were safe
then
some chick was telling me
we had to disconnect
move the phones

I was driving
down a street I recognize
it's in my dream city
and one side was all under construction
somehow, hard to explain
nothing was closed
you could still drive
but there was a wooden frame
barricade-like structure all along the sidewalk
I stopped to get coffee
when I went to pay
the dm who made me quit
was standing there
telling the cashier:
we're splitting it
ok, said the cashier, five dollars
he didn't have a register
I said, yeah, I think mine's less than five, actually
and the cashier hands me a big wad
of folding money
and says: fine, figure it all out, then give it back to me
I refuse to take it
five is actually fine, I guess

I don't know
these seem kinda stressed out to me
my head hurts
but
it's raining really hard now
so maybe it's a pressure change headache

I love you
hope you are happy and healthy

i fell asleep sitting on the sofa

I wanted to tell you to meet me in dreamland
I want you
I been feelin you
off and on
but you may already be asleep
or
I may be
before you read this
but, if you can, meet me
I love you very much

it's like i'm blocking my dream memories

as I'm waking up
they seem to be erasing
all I remember
is
cuddly cactus
what the hell is that

I guess I miss the desert

i remember shopping

it was some kind of old timey place
and I was setting up an installation
desert plants
and
I found this skirt
it was pink
and woven
and
lined in black fabric
there was more
but I forget

i'm going to bed

i love you

i was at some kind of festival

but
I don't guess I aw much of the festival
there was a house
people were working there
there were desks
made of pipe and cement
there were lots of little details
but
I don't remember them
I have allowed myself
to think too much
about
how much you wouldn't have liked me
twenty years ago
without inserting, concomitantly
how much you've changed
even in the last ten years
and
it's bringing me down
but it was a good dream I think
mostly what I can remember, though
is my mom
blowing up my social media
with panoramic pictures
everything she saw at the festival
apparently
there were a lot of balloons
hot air balloons
regular balloons
I guess that's a good sign
but
I don't really know
what any of it means

I need to snap out of it

I want to ask you questions
just about your day
but
am slightly paranoid
I'm finishing up happy happy blood time
and am hopeful
that that will fix this mild funk

I love you
I want you to be happy

bath, new candle tobacco leaves & sage

my brain is
swirling
around a bunch of
mostly analysis, really
I can't relax
if you're trying to reach me, I think
I have too much interference
I hope that's good

I think it means I'm working on something
I wish I knew what it was

hello