i think i have a cold

i'm angry at myself
because i haven't really gotten sick
in a long time
although i've had a few bouts
of not feeling too good

but
i let myself get
somewhat dehydrated
and
i haven't been eating the best
or getting enough sleep
or
not working too hard

so
i'm taking extra vitamins
and drinking apple cider vinegar water
and wheat grass tablets
and laying off the coffee and dairy
but
i still worked 11 hours today

i love you
dumpling

i hope you are happy and healthy

i keep getting
death
and
mourning
and
nightmare
cards for you

i thought that was kinda weird

hope everything's ok

i love you

i want you to be happy

i love you very much

i feel peculiar

on the one hand
i feel kinda detached
from everything

on the other hand
i feel strangely good

on the other hand
i feel like i should be worried about running out of time

i'm not actually worried about running out of time
i just think that it would make good logical sense to be worried about that

i worry about metaphor

sometimes
sometimes i can't feel you at all
and
sometimes
i feel you quite intensely
even sometimes
when
i haven't written anything, or whatever
so you must just be thinking about me

and
right now
the cards
are not giving me anything i can interpret

like this, for example

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=26:60:35:13:63:36:40:21:43&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

when i ask:
what is he thinking about us and our future

it looks all good
except for that boredom and mourning stuff
that looks kinda scary

and
it's always like that


i love you

apparently, my dreams are all about the bodily fluids

i was in some class
they held it in a cafe
in an alt-city version of where i live
and
i had some discussion about
equating this area with manhattan

which doesn't make any sense

and i knew it in the dream
this is a small area
with
few tall buildings
and
it's predominantly residential
except for the major thoroughfares
which in the dream
were all
highrised and glass fronted

like the trendy sushi building
so
maybe i'm projecting
midtown gentrification
across to the edge
of old-money-town
but

that still doesn't make it manhattan

anyway
this class was weird
it was all about themes in textiles
or something
and
i kept referring to one style as earthy

it pissed the teacher off
but
it was mushroom colored
but there was some catch-phrase

really
rather than school
this seemed more like
some corporate district meeting
anyway

i think i got thrown out
and

i ended up
in a public bathroom

i was sitting
i looked down at my feet
i was wearing keds
and the laces looked like they had been
ripped away

what had happened


and then
i wiped

an enormous amount of
ovulation discharge
like the white of a large egg

and i'm like:
well
what the hell is this supposed to be telling me

i'm sorry if i was weird this morning

i was freaked out

and
i had the
distinct impression
that you were mad at me

but
there isn't any reason you should be

i'm kinda freaked out by the dream i just had

ok
so i wasn't me, exactly
and the guy wasn't you
and it was a whole sword swallowing scene

and
it wasn't like i was
attracted to him
or
into it
sexually

but
it was very physical
like my tactile sensors
were working
to a greater extent than usual in dreams
and
i was thinking stuff like:

wow
i think i used to be good at this
and
i'm critiquing my technique
but really
i don't think
it's possible that it was actually realistic
it seemed very deep
and he seemed
very small
so unless he detached
and then
there was swallowing

now
wtf

if i'm having a dream like this
i want to be doing you

and
now
i have this irrational fear
that
somehow the reason i had this dream
or because of it
or something
you
must be mad at me
or
thinking that i'm rejecting you somehow
or something bad

and
really
it probably has a meaning
that isn't sexual in nature at all
since it was so non-arousing
and what-have-you

i can't remember any context, at all


even if you're mad at me
please
don't send me any more dreams like that

i'm drunk

i went to dinner with my mom
and
i had grapefruit for lunch
so
when i drank my first glass of wine i got drunk

i should always drink with mt mom

hard to type though

thinking about

talking
at the late nite
hot dog stand

talking
about
magazine articles
in the coffee shop

reading
shamanic way of the bee




dreamed about
waiting in line to shower
got to the head of the line
asked:
showers are one dollar
are baths
still two dollars
she said:
yes
i said:
i'll have a bath, then
she said:
i just need one hundred dollars
to renew your gym membership
first
i said:
oh
maybe just the shower, then
but, i don't know
i'd really like a massage
maybe
maybe i will renew
hmmm

well, i am a genius soup maker, but maybe it doesn't taste like chicken broth, not really

i decided
i'm in love with the smoked paprika flavor
so
i added some more
and some ginger
and some noodles

i'm not making the matzo balls
i have no doubt that i can do that
i don't need to practice
and
i decided
that wasn't what i wanted for dinner

it tastes
delicious

it doesn't taste
like chicken

but
this combo
smoked paprika and ginger
is a big big winner
and
it
is probably the genesis
of whatever soup
i would feed you
when you have a cold
or need
comforting food

and
next time i make it
it won't have to take so long
because
the second reduction
really didn't improve it
i'll just start with more wine

so far, so good

it tasted pretty good
maybe a little heavy on the paprika
[i added another 1/2t]
but, all in all, not too shabby

so
i strained out all the stuff
[i had to let it cool down first
so i could pick up the crock and pour]

but
i had planned
to do more stuff to it, anyway
i added
4T nutritional yeast
2 cups water
2 cups white wine
more dill

and it's taking forever to get back up to temp

until the alcohol can cook off
i won't know
whether i am a genius
or
not

so
in the mean time
i experimented with the guts
[the stuff i strained out]

i tried "chicken patties"
which looked
frankly, not great
all charred and blackened on the outside
but tasted good
on a bun with mayo and dijon mustard
woe the sadness
i am out of hamburger dills

i tried making dense "chicken" dumpling
but
they just cooked away in the salty water
and
i knew they might do that
but
i wanted to try

the more food i can get out of one escapade
the more cost effective it becomes
and the more likely
it could work
on some sort of regular menu

thre cholent was a win
the meatloaf
and expensive expensive loss

and
although matzo ball soup
might not be something you'd want to have
weekly
because it would
diminish the special
chicken soup of some ilk
bring it on


i'm not just thinking chicken noodle
i'm thinking thai coconut lemongrass
i'm thinking pho

the list could go on and on

i'm working on the broth

i started with
a cup of chickpeas
a cup of new age rose
1/2 lemon wedged
2 cups water
garlic
white pepper
turmeric
and
4T nutritional yeast

i let that cook on high about an hour

i added
a small onion
4 stalks of celery heart
4T toasted sesame oil
4T avocado oil
herbs de provence
dill weed
cumin seed
2 squares of kombu
1/2t dijon mustard
1/2t smoked paprika
1/2t better than bullion
a small piece of shitaki mushroom


i thought i had carrots
but
i guess i don't
that's the main reason for the better than bullion
that
and
a tiny tiny bit of tomato taste
below the register hopefully

it has too much top right now
but
it's a nicely complex top
i'm hoping
the chickpeas will develop
with the smoked paprika
and kombu
to create a full bottom
and the oil
is for flavor
and texture

avocado oil is kinda buttery
and toasted sesame
has a roasted or slightly bacon-y flavor
i'm hoping
between the two
to develop something
that will feel like
when you cook a whole chicken in water
slowly
for a long time
and you get that thick rich broth

i have another bottle of wine
this one a white table blend
which is slightly sweet
which i am prepared to add

i hope hope hope it works

i have to go to sleep now

please take care of yourself
i love you very much
i wish
i was sleeping next to you
that i could feel your arms around me

you've got big emotions
i can feel that all the way from here

it's all gonna be ok

you thought about me today

are you ok?

i love you

big or small dense or fluffy

i've had matzo ball soup
but
not near as many times as i've had
chicken and dumplings
or
various chinese dumplings
so
when i think of dumplings
which matzo balls are as well
i think of dense dumplings

but
i think
with mbs
the standard is light and fluffy
so
whatever you like

the trouble
is the broth
cause
nothing tastes like chicken broth

not really

but
i have a plan
i'm not going to be so hard on myself
as the whole meatloaf escapade

i'm going to crockpot it

chcikpeas
onion
carrot
celery
lemon wedge
wine
[and here i'm thinking a somewhat sweet white wine
or possibly rose
but
not the red that i usually use]
and
i'm not that big into dill
i'm leaning toward
rosemary
and or herbs de provence
and
maybe some turmeric for color
white pepper
and maybe
some nutritional yeast
oh
and salt
it'll need salt

i think
that will be
chicken-esque
but
it won't be chicken
if it tastes good
i will consider that a victory

or
i could not make that at all
and instead
make something different
that you'd like better
and
we could just have a go-to-the-deli tradition
where you eat the real chicken soup
because
i don't know that you should suffer

so, matzo ball soup

today was the best day i've had in a while

i said my hormonal cycle has been off
i should have been ovulating
when i saw you
but
i was having some spotting
which is not normal for me
but
is not abnormal for human females
so
i wasn't too worried
but
then
i ovulated later
and
i was like:
crap
this is going to throw my cycle off
by like 10 days at least
because it is like 12 days
between ovulation and happy happy blood time
so
where i was expecting the joy
on like the 4th
here it comes today
but
i've been
wanting to punch people in the face
for almost 2 weeks

but
it's not just
hormonal relief
that makes it the best day

today
in my mind
i was on our porch
all day
mixin up alcoholic punches
and just being
in a world that is ours
and
i haven't been able to do that
but
today
i could

i feel better

so
i don't know what's going on
with my brain chemicals
and
i don't know if it's stress
or what
but my hormonal cycle
is whack as well

and
i'm in the mood
which
i haven't been much, lately

and
it's kinda a shame, really
that i'm on an all you diet
because
damn
not only would that hit the spot
just right now
but
i don't think
that it's healthy
to go without, forever

i still don't know what to believe
and
mostly
that suppresses desire
ao
mostly
any desire has been
a never jam today type longing

but
now i wanna buck
and scream

and
i'm continuing the fantasy in my head
and
if i have to cry and cry later that i did that
i'm telling you now
and this is a promise
god will smite you

i'm not kidding

moose
and
all that

now
back to heat
i need you
and not gently
words like driving
and
explosive
and
you know where i'm going with that
but
more graphically anatomical
as well as fluid
and
maybe in the kitchen
or
i'm getting
between hanging sheets
on a laundry line
that smell of fresh linen
and damp grass

come on
don't hold out on me baby
i need you
now

well, maybe this isn't right either

i don't like the sundried tomato
it takes over

i could
[if i loose the sdt]
crumble this in mashed potatoes
and blah blah
for a really good shepherd's pie

i could maybe
crumble it
re-patty it
and fry it in a pan
to get veggie burgers

it just doesn't work for me
as a meatloaf
the texture is not right

i really like the crispy bits
but the center
still screams

not meat


i had a radical thought
about the greasiness

it involves tofu
which i try to avoid
for estrogenic reasons
but
drastic measures may be called for

if you freeze firm tofu
then
when it thaws
you can squeeze all the water out of it
like a sponge
and
it becomes
a sponge

if
i can mix up
some sort of oily mixture
it could absorb
into
the tofu

and
maybe
i'm missing the boat with miso
maybe i need worchestire sauce instead
at least in the grease

maybe
i'm using too much bread
or not enough egg
but it doesn't seem like it
you cannot possible have to use lentils
or fake meat substitute

but really
i think mine is just as loaf like as any
it's just not as meatlike
and
in the quest for meat-ness
i'm losing the veggie loaf-ness

bah

i will not be beaten
it's food
not mount everest

and
in case you can't tell
this is the only thing
i'm actually
enjoying
to do
anymore

fingers crossed

i said some things wrong before
the chickpea base i used is not the same as the chili base
because i did not include sin dried tomatoes
it does have chiles and onions
also
i forgot to mention
i mixed raw onion in as well
to the last batch

now

3 cups chickpea base [processed]
3 cups (ish) bread crumbs
2 1oz packages dried porcini mushrooms
[1 processed dry in with the chickpeas
1 cooked in with the quinoa]
1 cup quinoa dry or 3 cups cooked

[i used regular quinoa because they only had regular
at the grocery near me and i thought, whatever
but ideally
i'd like a blend of regular
and red
for color
flavor
and
texture
so]

1/2 cup quinoa
3/4 cup red quinoa
2 8oz packages walnut pieces [processed]
{or 16oz of walnut pieces, bulk}
1 medium onion
2T soy sauce
1T umeboshi vinegar
2T hatcho miso
4T toasted sesame seed oil
10-12 sundried tomato halfs [processed]
3 beaten eggs

[the soy sauce and umeboshi i put in first
thinking i could skip the miso, maybe
since it would be harder to process in without water
but it was necessary
so the soy sauce may not really be
probably most people don't just have
hatcho miso
just, ya know, laying around as a staple
but
they should
it's awesome
but i guess any dark brown miso paste would work
and
maybe make up the umeboshi and the extra miso
with barbeque sauce
hell, maybe they only need the barbeque sauce
but i need hatcho and umeboshi]


i'm cooking it at 300 degrees
it's been almost an hour
it's still
almost like raw
and i spread it out
not more than 2.5" thick
[because i really thought that was a problem before]
but, also
i'm cooking it on a lower temp

the sides don't pull in like with real meat
so
it's harder to tell when it's done
i didn't use the fresh mushrooms
or
any liquid to speak of
both of which i did last time
there are lots of veggie loaf recipes out there
i'm trying really hard
to get something
that you'd want to eat
like even as a meatloaf sandwich
satisfyingly meaty
slightly granular
if only
i could get it a tiny bit greasy


it tasted really good raw
we'll see

there are gonna be multiple posts today, i can tell already

first
let me make clear
that that particular item
[with the shipping more than the item itself]
is not the actual one i'm ordering
that one just had a description, etc
plus
i ordered some other stuff too

i am getting the tartine bread book
and http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Book-Jewish-Festival-Cooking/dp/B0046LUC6Q/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331744485&sr=8-1

i've been looking at both of these books for a while
but
now is the time, apparently

i've started on the "meatloaf"
i'm waiting on quinoa to cool right now
so i thought i'd give you background

the first time i tried to make ml
i was gonna go all vegan
cause it was close to the start of my journey
and i was vegan at that moment
and i'm all like
yeah yeah whatever
i can totally just use flax meal mixed with water
instead of egg as a binder
it gets all mucilaginous and shit, like egg
the problem is
it is not devoid of flavor
it tasted like flax
ie anything you make with it will taste like shit
unless you're making something that can absorb flax flavor

chia is what you use for that crap
because it has almost no flavor
[it's also much more stable and won't go all rancid
why do people like flax
maybe cause it's old skool]
i made some pancakes once with chia
when i had no eggs in the house
and they worked
but
eggs add flavor to pancakes
so
they weren't very good

anyway
the first one
was
inedible/disgusting
and
that's unusual for me
usually
even if it's not great
i can still eat it
this took forever to cook too
and i'm still having that issue

i decided
fuck it
add eggs
work the vegan shit out later
if it's worth it to ya

so
the last batch
i used the chickpea blend that i use for chili
as a base
with bread crumbs
egg
fresh mushrooms
dried porcinis
[soaked in miso broth which i added]
black quinoa
walnuts

it tasted pretty good
but
it didn't cook evenly
it had too much moisture
so
it got crunch on the outside
and
it was still slightly
gloopy
on the inside
but the taste was good
and
the texture
seemed like it woulda been right

which brings you up to now

spices

i just ran out today
of my hungarian paprika
which i have sworn by
since
well
the hungarian cookbook in college
but
i found this

http://www.amazon.com/70-grams-Piment%C3%B3n-Vera-Dalia/dp/B000X9FDRS/ref=sr_1_1?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1331699952&sr=1-1

and
i'm going to give it a try


i love you

i haven't eaten meat for like 2 years, so my tastebuds are different

but
i think it tastes pretty meaty

i know
many people put something sweet in
but
that doesn't sound good to me

maybe
eggplant
or
i wanna say okra
i don't actually like okra
but
i love jumbo
and it kinda reminds me of gumbo
except
jumbo
is packed with treif

and
i mean
i could keep kosher
without any big problem
except
for shrimp
and oysters
and scallops
and  octopus
and squid
and a whole list of other stuff

you can keep your pork
i don't really care about that
i miss steak
and baked chicken
and turkey
but
i'm not gonna eat them

but
i swear
god wants me to eat shellfish
and not just in chinese food

and
i know
you don't care about that
but
i think about it

i mean
there's not much point in taking it too far
cause
i'm never gonna think that mikveh stuff
is anything other than sexist crap

i don't know
how much meat you eat
so i don't know if you'd think this was meaty or not
but
i really liked it
and i'm kinda surprised


i've been working on "meatloaf"
and
i'm almost there

i think i'm gonna be good at cholent, when i get the proportions right

i put the potatoes [1.5 pounds]
the shallots [.5 pound]
the fava beans [.75 cup]
the barley [.25 cup]
the wine [1 cup]
{you knew i was gonna add wine, right}
and
spices:
cumin seed
fennel seed
rosemary
thyme
herbs de provence
spike
hungarian paprika
[i don't have quantities for spices]

when i got home and checked it
it was still mostly liquid
and
it didn't seem
to have many beans or barley

so i added barley [.5 cup]
but i don't know if it will cook long enough
not to be really good
i'm cooking another [.75 cup] of beans
to add

the broth
tastes
really really good
and
it's thickening up now

i think this one may not come out as well
because i'm adding
after the fact
but
i think
i'm gonna like it

just added:
garlic
black pepper
white pepper
salt
more spike

oh, and by the way

i love you

very much

ok, for the cholent, duh, fava beans why didn't i think of that sooner

i haven't made it yet
maybe tomorrow
but
i bought all the ingredients today

fava beans
tiny little gold potatoes
shallots
barley

i'm not planning on lentils
i almost bought bulghar wheat
but i think it's too much
but
i'm still going to look up some recipes
or something
and see if anything
inspires me
i hope the shallots will be
what i think
they will be
in the end

i keep thinking carrots
but
that's pot roast

i'm intrigued by the whole
hamin egg thing
not so much to eat with
as with breakfast earlier
or
maybe you like egg salad
i bet
you like egg salad

or maybe a little salad nicoise

medicinal dreams

i don't think you saw that post
i decided
i didn't want you to see it
and i took it down

but
i had medicinal dreams
so
either you did
or
i decided to do something about my issues

i go moved into a new dorm
really nice
fancy glass fronted
apartments
huge
and
secure very secure

there was something about the number 38

and
there were
beach roving
wind boarding
first aid
kiosks

also
i'm sorry
if this is a bad thing
but
i'm being told
it would be healthier to externalize
all that violence
so
now
whenever
i have urges like that
i'm going to focus them on heather


9

peter pfeiffer, debbie moses, and the girl with the silver nose

this is a dream i had last night

i was back in college
again


i was in a german class
debbie moses was there
and she was pissed off at me
i couldn't figure out why

and why was she in a german class anyway
debbie took spanish
but
maybe
it's because i used her name

i was sitting next to my friend
and
i was thinking
how beautiful she was
her nose
was a bright shiny silver
the skin
joining the metal to the rest of her face
was black
and textured
the metal nostrils
slits rather than curving outward

peter pfeiffer was
as attractive as ever
and he was talking to my friend
leaning in
speaking german

i tried to listen

he got irritated

i tried to read his lips

he got irritated

there was more
i don't remember

but
i wonder
what are the salient
factors

i'm not gonna finish that story

or maybe i will
someday
but
i haven't been able
to make myself write it

maybe
for right now
i'll just tell you
the part you really want to hear

i was talking to god

i said:
look god
i'm not fussed about the money
i spent on the ticket
if
if i should just walk away
if i've done what i'm supposed to do
if this isn't the path, anymore
just don't get me there

and
if i am to continue
then get me there in a timely manner

this is the sign part, see
and
i was sure
sure i wouldn't make it
i slept no more than five hours
in america's best value motel
i was falling asleep
on the road
and i thought:
if i die
there will be no one to tell him what happened

and
i got lost
and
i got lost again
and
i accidentally exited
three times
rather than get on the fast track
and i wanted to quit
i wanted to turn around
and drive away
go someplace i haven't been yet
someplace beautiful

but
if i quit
i would never know

and
in the end
i was walking up to meet you
you walked past me, in fact
i don't think you saw me
but i was walking up
i looked at my watch
i was, exactly
on time

and
i said
as your shadow
sloped past me

that's gotta be a sign

cholent

i guess
i really ought to work up a recipe for this
it's kinda a culturally important thing
and
that chick
she's got a magazine now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ae2-lQVFsGw&list=PLC5EDE100D1CDBB09&index=1&feature=plcp

this looks really gross to me

but
i'm up for the challenge
i've never been a barley fan
but i think it's supposed to be good for you

i saw this a while back
and i really enjoyed it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs10g5wOR9E

just off the top of my head
i'm thinking
this might be my chance to experiment
with black beluga lentils
i'm thinking
white beans
i've not cooked with them either
but
they just seem right
it seems like
probably needs chickpeas
but
that might overpower the other stuff
but
it seems like it needs meaty-ness
and
i'm not sure how meaty that other stuff is going to be
maybe mushrooms
but
mushroom/barley
is not a combination i've enjoyed before


i'll have to give it some thought

coffee shops

writing in coffee shops

seems natural to me

some people write in bars

and

i guess

if i spent a lot of time in bars

i'd eventually see them as a place to write

and

maybe it has something to do with being female

but

i don't see bars as a safe enough environment

to spin my energy that far away from my body

you don't know this

but

after you talked about that lala bar

i tried to go there

just to feel the energy

but

by the time i got there it was dusk

i'm sure it's different in the afternoon

but

i couldn't make myself walk in, even

i was slightly angry with myself

but i couldn't do it

so i walked a few doors down

and found

the perfect little coffee shop

ordered the hemingway special

sometimes

even someplace like an ihop or a big boy will do

it kinda depends

there's an ihop on figueroa that i could see

as a permanent base

i was lost there at 3am once

the more

diner or cafe

the better, really

starbucks, for example

doesn't really work for me

and

if i have to pick between diner or cafe

i think

i'm more of a diner writer

though

i couldn't tell you why

maybe

it's from hanging out at coffee shops

with my dad when i was two and three and maybe four still

maybe that's when and where i started telling myself stories

probably

that's a story

probably

i started telling myself stories at home

or at the park

but

i feel certain

i had a lot of free telling-myself-stories time

in coffee shops

and

maybe

that's why

but

even if it's not

i freakin love coffee shops

no more trendy sushi with the 30 year olds

so
my friend is actually younger than that
but preggers is the one that picked it

it was so loud
you had to scream to talk

we won't discuss the service
because
really
all you have to say is trendy


preggers and her husband
love sushi
but were arguing with me about what
sashimi
is
you cannot just get fish without the rice
they say
you mean here
i ask
well maybe in japan
they counter
no no no
i always get fish without the rice
everywhere


and
i was excited
because i found out
this place has special fish flown in from
some special market
in japan

but
i got chimachi
and
octopus
and
two seaweed salads
oh, and an iced tea
they added the gratuity automatically
so
7 pieces of
not really all that great
but not by any means bad
fish
and 8 dollars of seaweed
and 2 dollars of tea
comes to 48 dollars

the places i like to go are so different

my favorite place right now
they bring you hot towels to start
i think they pickle their own ginger
and the fish is so fresh
the texture
the moisture
roll-your-eyes-back-in-your-head-good

i go to a sushi lounge too
but
it is dark
with booths you melt into
the music is background enough
to carry on a conversation
and
i could live on their seaweed salad
and their escolar
is what passes in my current food incarnation as
an aged marinated medium-rare new york strip steak
and
you feel
ambiance-wise
like you might be in a bond film
even the bathroom
is in character


maybe
maybe i'm quite particular
but
i found out
my friend took ASL as her foreign language in high school
and that actually
really impressed me

but
she
was really glad i came
so
what the hell
it coulda been worse

but it made me think
imagine really
the little places
we might frequent
in our imaginary world

and that


kinda snapped me outa my funk

i love you

turtle dream

last night/this morning
i was dreaming about a turtle
it didn't have a shell on it's tummy
and i was petting it
it was a very tactile
soothing dream
and
the turtle purred like a kitten

when i woke up
i thought
you must have sent it to me
it was so steeped in love

before that
there was four-wheeling
up hill
through the mud
through the rough terrain

three different routes
and
i meant to take one
but
i ended up on a different one
and
ultimately
the destination
was
alaska

i'm not feeling good

yesterday
i took my first ever candle light bath
at 7pm
and then went to bed

today
i have no energy

i'm probably going to bed soon, tonight

i was supposed to go out with a friend
but i got roped into going to a party type thing

i thought about saying i couldn't go
it's too late
because it starts at 9pm
but
jeez
i can't really say i'm too old to go out at 9pm
and
i was going to beg off cause it's downtown
but
turns out it's in midtown
so they'll even be parking

and
it's sushi
so i have to go

but
i wanted to go out with my friend
i hate groups
and the one girl is pregnant
and
that's gonna depress me
i can tell already

i'll probably have a great time