check in

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I want to ASK

WHEN 

do we get regime change 

I'm feeling 

STABLE 

but

not outside the state of flux

if THAT makes ANY sense 

march 1st

I'm going to try to sleep now 

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 

snakes that aren't snakes

DUDE 

I was feeling better 

& I started thinking about the world 

& that brought me to a 

STRANGE place 

the world feels strange

I FEEL like I should KNOW 

WHAT the DREAM 

MEANS

it was SO STRONG and I had it earlier 

in the course of the 

SLEEP 

REMEMBERED it

THROUGH 

I'm pretty SURE 

OTHER DREAMS 

which 

I DON'T remember 

THAT 

has GOT to MEAN -- I thought it was 

well, I mean, I guess it could just be memorable 

BUT 

the way MY MIND works 

I'm LOOKING for 

MEANING 

it was SO REAL -- it looked just like a snake

the shape 

of the HEAD was 

SO 

realistic 

it was moving it's head around in a kind of 

MESMERIZING 

way

BUT 

if you followed the body upwards 

it was clearly 

NOT 

a snake

although, honestly, not necessarily a 

CATERPILLAR 

clamped it's MOUTH to this

SKINNY little 

TREE

the KIND

that MIGHT pop UP in your 
YARD

without your really noticing 

was it in a

YARD

I don't THINK so 

it was MORE 

LIKE 

a NATURE documentary 

with GOOD camera

SHARP

hi def

it was

as I SAID -- mesmerizing 

& I've seen THINGS similar enough to KNOW 

they're NEVER as REALISTIC as ALL THAT 

which was primarily 

WHAT MADE it -- mesmerizing 

strange dream

I suspect I had a lot of dreams 

BUT 

the ONLY one that I remember is 

there was this

CATERPILLAR 

it LOOKED like a 

SNAKE

it's tail was the snake's head

& it attached itself to 

a small tree 

(sappling?)

& was lashing itself about 

SHOWING 

all it's movement and gyrations 

& it was COMPLETELY convincing 

as a SNAKE

💯 percent 

I looked it up now that I'm awake 

my dream was MUCH MORE realistic than 

these caterpillars are IRL 

the real ones are good 

BUT 

birds have an instinctual aversion to snake shapes -- even if they were raised in captivity and don't have ANY experience with snakes

I'm not sure what that means 

is it related to 

ILLUSION 

or CAMOUFLAGE 

or SURVIVAL 

or things that LOOK like SNAKES

I LOVE you VERY much

goodnight sweetheart 

I think I'm doing better 

thoughts about gnosticism

in the gnostic worldview 

one of the pieces of g*d (essentially)

WISDOM 

went off to think her own thoughts*

*not supposed to do that

& thoughts create things I guess 

SO 

there was an oopsie

she created a 

FLAWED PIECE of g*d

this flawed piece of g*d

is the jealous g*d that we all know 

& it got right to creating it's OWN STUFF 

the reason there are TWO creation stories 

the FIRST created an ANDROGENE that was in the

IMAGE of g*d

BUT 

it wasn't animated 

SO

it did it again & blew life into it

& THAT WORKED

because 

it put the SPARK of life into the body 

THAT SPARK 

was from the DIVINE spark

that came from the true g*d

& so all of humanity was originally DIVINE 

& PART of the true g*d

BUT 

Yaldabaoth (the FLAWED g*d)

didn't WANT the human to 

KNOW it's divinity

created a flesh vessel for the female part of the

new human soul

& THEN

when WISDOM whispered to eve

about the divinity (or something)

Yaldabaoth decided to

RAPE her 

to put her in her place

& the spirit 

left her BODY and went into the SNAKE

SO

eve's BODY 

was RAPED 

by Yaldabaoth 

CAIN & ABLE 

were the product of that rape

& THEY

had NO SPARK because 

EVE's SOUL SPARK

was not present 

I don't GUESS eve's SOUL SPARK re-entered her BODY (although I'm not sure that's right)

BUT 

ADAM & EVE

did have additional children

SETH & NOREA

NOREA is born some kind of special SPOKESMAN for the true g*d to go forth through time

REMINDING people of their

DIVINE spark 

AND

the message in that beginning of time scenario 

is LIKE -- WISDOM had an oopsie

--- we're WORKING on it, hang in there ---

Yaldabaoth and his angels? demons? capos?

go around causing a bunch of sh*t

that daughters of earth & son's of heaven stuff

which eventually leads Yaldabaoth to get

fed up with people 

& seek to destroy them in the flood

BUT 

NOREA communicates with people 

& manages to save some

BUT 

people have a REALLY HARD time 

REMEMBERING their divinity

SO

the true g*d &/or NOREA

sends jesus

&

he tries

BUT 

the people don't 

MOSTLY 

seem to understand the message 

which is

LIVE in this WORLD as a PASSERSBY 

the things of this world are 

BROKEN 

& if you treat them like they are important 

they will lead you astray

you will NOT develop 

your SOUL SPARK

& will die and 

be LOST in

the false

WORLD

AGAIN 

they are like STILL WORKING on the PLAN

to get us hooked back up to the 

REAL WORLD 

BUT 

the ONLY part of you that can go

is the soul spark

there are a couple more gospels

THOMAS

which COULD be based on 

ORAL traditions 

doesn't contain the 

STORY ARC

that the other gospels do

it ONLY contains 

LESSONS 

it is NOT specifically gnostic 

because it doesn't contain all the stories of the 

true g*d & Yaldabaoth 

WISDOM & NOREA

BUT 

it has lessons 

which are cryptic 

& consistent with 

the don't mix too much with the world message

I'm pretty sure that's not the end of it

BUT that's where I've gotten to 

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

you're the best

slightly incoherent ramblings

I wanted the light seer's tarot

HAVE BEEN wanting it

& I decided 

that this 

is one of those points where 

THINGS 

are just different enough to 

WARRANT 

NEW

I decided I'd look to see if it was available in a

LOT on ebay USED 

& I found one

with a total

of four

DECKS

one of them is called 

FORREST of ENCHANTMENT tarot

it's tiny

& CUTE 

but it's really friendly 

& it says you are

SUPER WORRIED 

about ME 

& I'm LIKE 

yeah

I'm not exactly 

NOT 

worried about me 

I'm in the changing into phase

BUT 

I'm confident 

I'm healing in the right direction 

I haven't escaped all the thought patterns yet

& I guess maybe that's why 

I turned to gnosticism 

it's got such an elaborate 

I'm not ready to 

BANG it out

it's not really 

THAT interesting 

EXCEPT 

in a kind of a 

WEIRD way

& I keep bringing it up 

I guess there's a reason for that 

I THINK I want to write 

SOMETHING 

about it

GENESIS 

there was this like zeitgeist-y vibe 

it was in the gnostic christian writing 

BUT 

it was ALSO in

the aramaic translations 

for non-hebrew speakers 

the genesis was

UPDATED 

I don't remember the exact points of overlap 

BUT 

the IDEA of this 

zeitgeist-y 

VIBE

which I think ultimately was the influence of 

greek philosophical influence 

something about 

the FORMS 

though

update

well

there was a message from the hospital 

& she's been sent back to 

the skilled nursing facility 

which also has

an assisted living situation 

I called them once when they called and said she was going to the hospital 

& I was maybe not

super coherent

& I just talked to a desk person 

NOT the social worker 

who wasn't there 

SO

I'll MAYBE call there tomorrow I guess 

I have a headache 

BUT 

being away from her entirely 

for slightly less than a month 

& eighty percent of my body pain has gone

thought forms & emotional balance

I've been trying to 

THINK 

NEW

thoughts

I've been researching 

the GNOSTICS

I studied them some in college 

ANTH of WOMEN 

-- I think 

I found this great course on gnosticism 

I had forgotten some 

& SOME is new to me, but 

SO MUCH 

new CONTEXT

it's interesting 

I get distracted by my thoughts 

which will TEND to 

WANDER

I'm going for 

NOT LOOPing

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much 

early voting

I early voted

at

what used to be HCC*

& is NOW**

*houston community college 

**houston city college 

newly enough that it's a 

BANNER 

it's KINDA a fun

building to walk through 

I think it's got to do with the lighting

BUT 

there's something about the spaces

there's a WAY

it seems

institutional

at other points

it seems

like it MIGHT be a METRO station

there are hanging giant pictures 

of students, maybe 

OR

possibly teachers

there's no context

west alabama ice house

I went to west alabama ice house 

it's been there since

nineteen twenty-eight 

I've always wanted to go there

I have lived and worked 

within walking distance 

MULTIPLE times 

TODAY 

I went there

I think there may have been 

some renovations 

recently 

BUT 

it's awesome 

& they had big screens 

with baseball 

SPRING TRAINING 

it looked SO BRIGHT there

SEA v LA

it looked like arizona bright

BUT 

I don't have which teams are in arizona 

I'll have to look it up

I had thought 

MAYBE 

I could do pick up tarot readings

when I was in austin 

they had a sign in the hotel

coming soon

TAROT readings

& I thought 

HOW 

can I MORE connect

with the whole 

intuitive thing & human interaction thing

& MAYBE even community connection-ish

there weren't many people there

& they were pretty into the people they were with

BUT 

I connected with the place

& I like it

it feels like a 

SECRET 

goodnight sweetheart, I LOVE you VERY much

OK

I'm not sure whether I can explain everything 

I kept circling and looping 

& I'm LIKE 

I've made my decisions 

WHY am I STILL 

CIRCLING 

& I was LIKE 

BECAUSE 

I'm just

passively waiting & hoping it's gonna work out 

BUT 

I NEED to ACTIVELY DO 

something 

the place she was kept calling me 

& then they said the twenty fourth 

WHAT do you want to DO

SO

I was LIKE 

I need to CALL 

BUT 

she got sent BACK to the hospital 

for shortness of breath 

austensibly 

BUT 

probably really to get her off their hands

SO

the hospital called me 

I SAID 

we have a history of narcissistic abuse 

& she broke the relationship 

she's my mother

& I care

BUT 

I can't really be involved 

& the doctor said 

I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY 

I will make sure they don't 

BOTHER you 

I can't express to you 

HOW 

that made me 

FEEL 

the anxiety is GONE 

BUT the FEELS

not so much 

goodnight sweetheart

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm not 

FUNNER

sh*t's been 

FOCUSED

MAYBE 

existential 

I'm processing LIKE processing LIKE processing 

BUT not 

SPIRALING loop

& I wish I'd had the forethought or gunption

to reUP tequila 

BUT 

my body is all cracking & popping

like it's RELEASING 

check in whatever day this is -- saturday

I just read yesterday's post

I had a journey 

overnight

&

TODAY 

& I'm voting monday

BUT 

I'm not ready to talk about 

what happened 

TAROT, man

& MBTI

check in

I'm having trouble getting through all the people on the ballot 

SO

I'm going to vote

tomorrow 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm sorry I'm all 

not talk-y

I am 

having 

emotions

about

STUFF & I just can't seem to be 

NORMAL 

it's nothing to do with you

it's my stuff

BUT 

I'm just not able to 

be normal right now 

maybe I didn't talk yesterday

I don't think I talked yesterday 

I'm sorry 

I'm in a weird mood 

I'm taking the cat to the vet

& early voting 

today

hopefully I'll be sociable later

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶

february 18th

I'm getting a bunch of calls

I had decided not to

listen to them

TODAY 

I decided 

to STICK to THAT 

BUT 

I also had a headache 

& I decided not to go to work club

I was KINDA off

probably on a spiraling loop

BUT -- low key

I'm not quite where I'd like to be

SANITY wise

& I couldn't articulate 

I FEEL too MUCH to feel like I can LET myself feel 

I'm noticing that I'm not feeling 

ANGER

which would be appropriate 

SO

I think I must have THAT just 

SHUT DOWN 

the pink and green

touched me 

somehow 

& I thought about guantanamo*

*I feel like I should say something else after that but I don't know what else to say

more thoughts -- goodnight sweetheart

I have 

BLUES BROTHERS -- soul man

stuck in my 

HEAD 

I'm not sure what I'm saying to myself 

I LOVED 

saturday night live 

those early seasons 

& I was young enough that you'd think I wouldn't 

be staying up

LATE 

BUT 

I was ALWAYS a nite owl

& I MEAN 

the blues brothers were also 

on a mission from g*d

I watched the midnight special too

at least some of it

I think monty python 

was in there somewhere -- I can't remember 

BUT 

THAT I ALSO LOVED

my father said he didn't like british humor 

--- too dry

BUT 

I liked monty python 

I didn't like

benny hill