OK

well

even if I've somehow pissed you off

& you don't want anything to do with me

which I have to say

I don't really understand

because

I don't think I was

rude or anything

but

even if I have somehow

irredeemably lost your love

I just want you to know

I LOVE YOU

VERY much

👾🫚

OK

just in case

you felt like I was trying to be tricky

or something

& in case you saw it

I guess you aren't interested in

anything

where you open yourself any further

that's sad

but not really surprising

I am

I have to admit

confused

& more than a little intrigued

i

I FEEL like

I NEED to CLARIFY

the trip to VEGAS was not a trip

I took to GET to YOU

YOU helped me

in the TIME of danger

BUT

we're in NO WAY the source

of that DANGER

the THING that I regret

is not that it didn't work out

to marry you or whatever

I have NEVER known what the mission IS

it is ENTIRELY possible

that whatever I was supposed to do

FOR you is already done

HOWEVER

I feel like that is probably NOT the whole story

I REALLY feel like

WE are some sort of IMPORTANT unit

if I am supposed to write something

I ONLY want to write to YOU

I GET that you want to ACTIVATE me

BUT

the more you try to DIRECT that

the more you RISK

well, everything really

the more you emphasize FAST

the more I think

you are looking to EXIT

if you want to EXIT

you can't worry about FIXING me first

if you DON'T want to exit

then just FEEL how you feel

& let me feel how I feel

BUT

it's not going to be easy

to take the FULL onslaught of emotion

& the try to reign back my response

to ONLY see it as intangible

AND

I have NO way to gauge the WATER level

SO I feel like

PLAYFUL is the direction to go

NOT serious

RESET

doesn't seem to me to equal

FULL VOLUME right

I am not just worried about how YOU see me

I have to worry about how I SEE you too

& the THING I wanted to GET to

that I would consider to

I don't want to say failed 

BUT

am surprised at

is how well you have kept me OUT

ya know

I treasure every ACTUAL

BUT I am apparently willing to

bare my SOUL to who the f*CK ever

just to be able to TALK to YOU

it's weird & disorienting

BUT

it's working through the daddy & deborah issues

MAYBE none of this is NEW

I tend to think

if I said it ONCE like fifteen YEARS ago

then ASKED & ANSWERED

BUT

MAYBE not

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

I just wrote you a thing

I don't have time to write it again right now

& it published it on puppyfishing

that WAS NOT intentional

BUT

it would help me out

if you could go there to read it

❤️

goodnight sweetheart

I wish I coulda seen it

I know you were

WONDERFUL

I love you very much

👾🫚

ANOTHER cherished MEMORY

is AMSTERDAM

the JUMBLE of personal items

REDISTRIBUTED

the MOVABLE 🍊

STREET festival

YOU were THERE 

& somehow so was i

& there was a fabulous

UNESCO world heritage ADVENTURE

which YOU maybe

or maybe not

KNEW about

perhaps

I CREATED it

BUT

YOU get credit for it anyway 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚

what I DIDN'T tell him

I felt so LUCKY

to have

gotten to the hotel

GOTTEN a room

there was a DEL TACO

across the parking lot

they were OPEN

I got SOMETHING

to eat I don't remember what

with their not nearly HOT enough

HOT SAUCE

&

TWO giant iced teas

& I watched the SNOW out the window

AND

I wrote to YOU

I had had some DREAMS

about being a TRUCKER somehow

AND

if I remember correctly

SOMETHING

about a monkey tail

it was LIKE you were WITH me

then I TOLD him about

the drive from FLAGSTAFF

to VEGAS

which is MAYBE

the scariest DRIVE

EVER

the road was TECHNICALLY

OPEN

BUT it was BROKEN patchy ice

SLIPPERY

UNEVEN

he's like where did you learn to drive ice like that

I didn't LEARN

I just DID it

& it was REALLY frightening

BUT

as I got CLOSER to VEGAS

the ice MELTED

& the HOOVER DAM

was AMAZING

(to be continued)

SO

I wanna talk about THERAPY

& I would DEARLY love

to tell YOU

BUT

I cannot RISK it

maybe I'll figure out a way

WHAT I am gonna TALK about

is like

what I LEARNED today

I don't REALLY understand WHY

BUT when I say THINGS

in therapy

I HEAR them

or something

SOMETIMES it's like when you TEACH

something it somehow

BECOMES clearer

because you had to EXPLAIN it

ANYWAY this week

I was trying to explain MYSELF

I was trying to explain something

& the explanation

led me to

that ROAD TRIP

where I drove to VEGAS

I stopped in SEDONA

I was in a shop

& the lady

told me a BLIZZARD was coming

I had to get to FLAGSTAFF

she gave me DIRECTIONS to the cleared highway

it wound UP through the mountains

& the POSSIBILITY 

of just

like

sliding OFF the side

seemed PRETTY real

you must have been TERRIFIED

he says

the THING about me is

I'm kinda SPIRITUAL

so there's a WAY in which

I'm like

if I slide off a mountain in SEDONA

MAYBE

that's just what was MEANT to happen

& although

I MIGHT get semi crippling ANXIETY

like leaving the HOUSE

if there is like

an ACTUAL crisis

I'm CALM

it was BEAUTIFUL

(to be continued)

I'm NOT being

negative

& I'm NOT trying to be difficult

BUT

I DO need you to get

where I'm coming from

so to speak

related to that food tour

we took

last summer in Spain 

I guess

if one level of thing is true

then I want to ask about

one thing

& if another level of thing is true

then probably another

I did not need to worry about my therapist

he is still thinking small

I love you sweetheart

I hope you are having FUN

in whatever yare doing RIGHT NOW

👾🫚

❤️

11:11

❤️

good morning sweetheart

I hope you are

having a BEAUTIFUL day

I don't know what it means

BUT

I am mesmerized by the tomato

there's a way

in which I am like afraid to talk

because

I'm afraid I'll f*CK up again

I feel like my timing of f*CK up

last night was particularly bad

AND

the last thing I want to do

is discourage the MAGIC

❤️❤️❤️

I LOVE you VERY much

ALSO

YOU ARE PRETTY AMAZING

BUT

you are purdy too

👾🫚

🐦🐦🐦

🎯💎

I HOPE it was clear

that I was ACTUALLY

talking about my day

&

my like ACTUAL trepidation

about THERAPY

TOMORROW

BUT

I just read BACK through it

& I saw THINGS

I'm still processing

BUT

I want to be SURE that if I SOUNDED

negative or discharging

in ANYTHING

that you UNDERSTAND

it was NOT

directed

& ALSO

you look SO purdy

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

👾🫚