i don't know what to think of me

maybe
maybe i'm premenstrual
seems maybe a couple days early
but it might explain the reason for the rollercoaster
somebody said a four letter word
and
i imploded

but
i've got other stressors

i wanted to hold on to you
i wanted to talk to you
i kind of almost wanted to argue with you
[i don't enjoy that
and it would likely not have come to that
but i felt this tension that must usually work itself out that way]
i decided that rather than argue
i'd rather have slightly aggressive sex with you

after i thought that, i felt better

you know
i'm actually more confused than ever

i'm watching this anthony bourdain show, parts unknown

and
i'm having this almost uncontrollable urge
to move to detroit

it's like america is happening in detroit

maybe
maybe it's just an effective/effecting episode

wild wild west

a girl I work with asked me if I had dyed my hair
no, I said
I didn't
I don't
it looks darker, she said
well, I didn't wash it

wait, she says, you don't dye your hair

no, I'm real low maintenance

you should totally have gray hair
that is so unfair

i'm wondering

i keep getting the devil

i mean, a lot
and i'm wondering
what does that mean right now

and i have no idea

i don't know whether it's good or bad
or
whether it's warning or giving advice

i don't think it's representing one or the other of us
because
this card isn't so much about an archetype
as a state of entrapment
more psychological than anything

but
i don't think that's going on in our dynamic
so
i'm confused

themes

last night's dream managed to get an unusual public bathroom, wine, school, and rock stars all into one dream

unfortunately, it doesn't really flow together as well in the waking state
plus, of course, i can't remember every bit

there were four varietals or blends [whatever, four kinds] of wine, but i feel confident they were all the same brand [for lack of a more specific]--  i think it's influenced by something i'm kinda into at the moment--  save me san francisco wines

my favorite of their wines that is save me san francisco soul sister pinot noir

although, full disclosure, i haven't had the cab or the chard yet.

and, strangely, even though i'm pretty sure i've heard these songs, i don't have em stored or anything.  the feeling i have for the wine isn't influenced by the music.


the rock stars in the dream might or might not be related in any way to this train wine thing.  i really think it's more to do with this pumpkin cheese cake recipe i was looking at yesterday--  almost famous it was called.  oh, almost famous, i love that movie!  and it made me think about that summer afternoon and evening dancing around on the stage, and your bare feet, and how i thought being penny lane would be the highest calling, like ever.  i had forgotten that!


the school was good.  none of the typical stress over tests.  i wasn't going to math.  i understood in the dream that i wasn't going to math.  and i finally asked myself:  why do you sign up for math when it's a foregone conclusion that it is a pointless waste?  no body wants you to take math!  just skip it!

i was plugged in.  i was going to achieve something.  i was sure.

there were parties.  i wasn't really all about them.  but the place became the school became the place.  i wrote in restaurants, i wrote in bars, there was a crowd of people all doing some version of that, that or just partying.  that was how i ended up in the bathroom.  you're out, you drink, you need a bathroom.

but the scene in the bathroom was weird.  not sexy weird, just bizarre.

and the rock stars, they saw me.  shitting, i think.  and it's like that, and the story of what had happened before in the world's strangest bathroom, instantly bonded us.

and me and three rock stars kinda walked off into the sunset together.

the beginning!

i am gonna write something, i am

i'm having a little trouble
working it out
i'm sleeping on it tonight
so feel free to send requests by dream post

i love you very much

i don't know

sometimes

if you always know what i'm talking about

but

i have that problem, a lot

i hope you're happy and healthy

and having a good time

i'm waving my arms in the air, see

magician

i'm intrigued by the listening

what did you hear

i would love to know

either i'm just short circuiting

or
you are thinking about me today
i don't know
why that happens
but
you better want me for something
ultimately
or else
it's just all kinds of wrong
for you to be able to do these things to me

i dreamed you were sick and i had to get you medicine

this is where st. ferullian comes from


i talked to your office manager
i talked to
and went to see her doctor in the clinic downtown
and then i was on a bus to fairbanks
i think it was the 304
i had someone with me
for safety, i guess
but when i talked to the bus driver
he told me we had to transfer to get to you
we had to go to st. ferullian 15 miles out of fairbanks
to transfer
to get to where you were
which was where
i'm not sure

i don't know what you had
but you could die, i just kept thinking
my travelling companion
was it my aunt
was all like: i'm shutting this down now
we aren't hitching a ride to ferullian
but
he could die
i was quite desperate

i don't know
what all that is about
please don't be sick
in the dream it was
something like tb, or something

see i think this is obvious, but maybe i should say it

what i mean when i say that i pondered it
is this
there are things here
you are attracted to
brain type things
and
attitude type things

so
i had to ask myself
did that peak any interest

because you killed off my interest
in others
pretty effectively

and
no, i'm not interested
not like he would have been, ya know
just informational

it occurred to me
that you might think i was trying to make you jealous

i was trying to do almost exactly the opposite

i'm reading something

now, the last thing i told you i was reading, didn't get very far.  and you may remember that i said i'd been having trouble lately, which actually stretches for years now.  i read almost constantly on the internet, and i've read a bunch of books on judaism, but particularly with fiction i just can't do it.  even listening to audio books has been difficult.  i'm current on all the mystery series i was reading, but that's like tv.  anything else, not so much.

i just want the idea, i don't want the blah blah blah.

maybe now is as good a time as any to tell you that i am the world's slowest reader, probably.  this upset my mother.  she wanted to send me to speed reading classes.  normally i probably would have done it;  it would have helped in college to have time to read everything.  if it had been anything else, probably yes i would have done it, but i got an orientation for speed reading and i could tell right away that it would break something for me.  that was in ninth grade;  it was first semester and reagan was running against carter.  and i knew that i read for style.  i mean not entirely for style, content too.  i just knew that it would rob me of something vitally important and that i wouldn't be able to just turn it off and on.

i want to go to classes to learn to read slower, i said defiantly, and i held that ground.


i bought this book, for the name, pretty much.  i had decided i wanted to read this guy, not knowing much about him.  and then in an interview or something, he said two things that made me, in a completely non-sexual way [i know because i spent some time pondering it] give him an enormous kiss on the lips.

what he said was this:

1. you can break the rules, if you can pull it off
2. whatever really scares you, THAT's what you should be doing

now, i learned the first thing in art school, but i needed to hear it again.  the second thing i really knew, but i really needed to hear it again.

so i'm reading his book.  i'm 90 pages in.  but i was several pages in before i stopped.  how could i have read this far and not noticed?  the page contained some amount of writing, then it stopped and just moved on to the next page.

it was so much like something i would have done i just didn't notice it at first. 

thank you for smoking

i had a strange dream
we were in austin i think
we went to a coffee shop
it seemed like a work function, except
i'm not sure what the work was
nothing exciting
and
as we walked out, on our way to somewhere else
there was a decorative shrubbery
that was cut to say
thank you

but
it didn't just seem like background
it seemed like
like a message for me
but
if you're thanking me for anything
i don't know why

then
then we went to a hotel
and we smoked weed
and we spilled seeds all over the carpet

which seems symbolic

i'm such a chick

i think i need to talk about the whole pluto transit thing.  i didn't necessarily want to, i wanted to write a story, but i can't focus.  so this pluto thing gas been going on a while, and it's supposed to go on til 2023.  i am not sure i can deal with that much transformation.  i said i didn't want to be a writer, when last we talked, and i think that i was being disingenuous.  that's not quite it.  it was that i didn't want to be a "writer".  i want to write.  the reason i became not-a-writer straight off the bat instead of trying and then giving up like apparently most people did was this:  i wanted to choose what kind of whore to be.  when you do something for money, essentially, at some point you end up a whore.  this might not be true.  but it is what i believed.  and it is what i still believe to a large degree, even though it is not what i believe at all.  confused yet?

you see, i now believe that the only way anyone ever achieves any greatness is by doing the activity for the love of it--  if you had to pay to do it, you would still do it because you love it that much.


so, in my fantasy, and this is terribly un feminist, i don't work.  well, i mean i guess i do, but i don't.  i take care of you [do you need a lot of personal minding?] and the house and the kids--  and i write.  i write to you, and for you, and or the kids, and i'm hopeful something might happen with it, but in another way i don't even want to know about it.  is that over the top weird?


that's kinda what i'm already doing here.  and, to be honest, it makes me a little uncomfortable.  i can see that all these people in malaysia visited the other day.  i want to know why.  what did i write, how did it catch their interest?  did they actually read it?  are there some web crawlers in malaysia that hit a key word and zeroed in, or are these actual people hitting a key word and zeroing in.  either way it doesn't mean readers, necessarily.  i am annoyed and relieved.  i write this to you.  i'm not writing it for the general public.  but of course i am.  and that awareness creates a dynamic.  it's hard to separate them because i actually think this makes me better.  i have to choose my words carefully, i have constraints.  i think these thing improve me.  but i am not constrained by structure, which is nice.  i think i have issues with structure.  which is odd really.  don't i seem like the kind of person who would do well with structure?

aren't i, in fact, trying to do the quintessentially female thing with you?  tell me, tell me, in concrete terms, what am i to you?!  i mean, i'm being all cool about it.  hey, whatever, ya know but what am i spending my time doing, here man.  time's a wasting.  that's, at it's core, such a chick thing.  i am such a chick.

i have this friend.  she's got problems.  they aren't the same problems i'm used to, but they're bad.  i just want to shake her.  she has done some things i didn't like.  i let her know i didn't like them.  i never implied that i didn't like her, or that she was bad.  although, i did really believe [internally] that it was laziness that led her to do the things that caused me trouble, and it might be that she's just kinda stupid.  anyway, i think the general feeling of wow-you-really-did-not-live-up-to-my-expectations leaked out of me enough that she got it.

let me just say right now.  this is something that i'm aware that i do but rarely when i'm doing it.  i try very very hard to hide it, unless i'm really mad.  well, that's maybe not quite right.  i think, with a certain type of individual this dynamic works okay.  when the people are like the people i tended to hire, and like my assistant now, they rarely see the reaction, and when they do, it's so mild that it just removes the need for a conversation about it.  they say what their thinking had been, i say how that differs from mine, or i don't.  if i'm satisfied that that was the best decision for them at the time, sometimes i just rethink my reaction.  i plan out new systems of support so they won't have the problem any more.  it's very satisfying.

but this woman, she just reacts without much thought.  i take that as a lack of caring about my job and the performance of it, but that's not fair, because it doesn't have anything to do with me.  but she's broken, and now i've given her the wow-you-really-did-not-live-up-to-my-expectations and it set off a landmine.  i think i have to find a way to fix it.

i kind of resent it.  i see why she runs through guys.  she does this.  and this is a super turn off.  you don't love me.  why don't you love me.  i do a lot for you.  she's told me this from her own perspective.  much longer and more complicated, but essentially the same.  this build up proceeds the stage where the guy leaves her, or where she says fuck it i don't need this shit and leaves him in what i think amounts to a preemptive strike.

i'm not sure i never had that break, maybe i did, i don't remember it.  but i really do not like feeling responsible for her whole collapse as a human being.  that our friendship means that i have to be sorry that she screwed up.  that i have to plug up her insecurity holes.  i'm having a bad reaction to that.  on the one hand i feel bad, i want to fix it.  on the other hand, i feel so much less of the friendly feelings that have bolstered her up when she had this before [i'm now realizing].  it's kinda crazy, but my instinct is to buy her flowers.

and i don't ever want to be that to you.  i'd rather be like, later dude, than to degenerate into that kind of shit.  i have issues i have to resolve.  i've told you some things i needed.  i don't think i was vague.  i'm not sure how that's gonna all play out.  there are aspects that don't favor the game i thought i was playing, but i would rather play with you rather than call all the shots.  and, ultimately, i'm not sure who will have the advantage.

the fact that i'm playing the long game may cause me to end up being bitter for missing my chance at the puppyfish, or it may make me decide that i have to get a job making a bunch of money and have insemination.  i think the first is more likely.  but i really hate myself bitter.  i'm really afraid, to be honest.  i will have to make changes.  and i don't think that the things i suspect maybe you want me to do are going to be very effective pieces of the puzzle that is the changes i have to make.

i guess that means i can't really factor you in.  and i don't really see how i can not.  round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.


he's gonna read that and think, what exactly

you know

you know something
there is something that you know
that you know i want to know
but you won't tell me that
and
i gotta say
i find that distrustful

but
i'm playing along
not making a big thing
and, i think i ought to get some props for that
because
it is either really cool of me
or it means that i'm a fool
and not in a good way

so
what i think that you should do
is tell me something

something you think i want to know
so keep your state secrets
but give me some currency
as a show of faith

if you can

not something you think i want to hear
i want this to be the truth

i'm lookin at you malaysia

ok
that's a lot of hits
in a short period of time

tell me
really
manly funk
that's what brings the heat?

scent of

so
i decided that i need a scent for you
i can't help it
that's just a fiction that i'm going to have to write
i need the sensory stimuli
and, of course i'm not going to create a body scent
because you can't unwrite that stuff
no, i'm using a cologne

preliminary testing was not totally successful
the contender:
thierry mugler men

it has coffee, cocoa, patchouli, it's a bit much
but those are things i liked
it's like a gourmand oriental wood scent
it has a jarring quality, at first, and for a while
but once it's dried down it starts to be close to what i want

it's a little exotic though
and, of course, i'm mixing it with my body chemistry
it would be better with some manly funk


i looked up the notes i'm that interest me
i don't really get anything

just a little hint of bay, not too much, and green pepper
some herbal notes, not too green, sage maybe and smokey pinon
coffee, vetiver, whiskey, tonka bean, and maybe just like a drop
of carnation which give this spicy note
that doesn't read specifically floral

that get's nothing

of the ulta choices thierry mugler men is the closest

and it's refillable, which is nice, but i just don't see you wearing that
or gaultier, which is also nice
they just seem a little frenchy

maybe i should smell old spice again
i think i like old spice
i think that's where the bay comes from
probably tied to closely to my father
not a good idea
i really want to discourage any cross pollination there

or juniper, spruce, ozone, seaweed
because i could see you wanting something cleaner

l'occitane has some nice ones
here i need to smell it again
but
i think this might be it
cade

i spent a lot of time pondering the dragonfly

i like dragonflies.  i always pay attention to them.  i don't see them often.

there was one day that i was feeling something very strong about you.  it was during a period of time that i spent my time drinking coffee, smoking, pacing the patio thinking of what to write next.  which doesn't seem much like what i'm like now.  i don't think i'd want to go back to that, not exactly that, even though i think of it as the best time of my life.

it's probably not that different than college.  except i only smoked a tiny bit in college, and now i was a pro smoker, well, not now.  in the interest of clarity that seemed best.  now i smoke, but i don't smoke, if you get my drift, but lately i've been thinking of stopping that again.  it's not as expanding as it once was, i don't think it gives me what i need, and i don't like the fuzzed edges that hang around the next day.  what i want, what i really want, is hallucinogens.  but i'm afraid.  and i mean i think with good reason.

i don't have a normal mind, it's just wired differently.

crazy people make me uncomfortable.  they always have.  i'm like looking for a pattern.  one of the most frightening things to me was that one time i had a conversation with a schizophrenic woman without realizing that that was what i was doing.  no, she didn't make any sense.  i don't remember what she said.  there was something to do with a trash bag.  there was something to do with lightning.  this was maybe 2000.  i just kept asking her what she meant about the lightning.  finally a friend came up and pulled me away.

what were you doing?  you know she's schizophrenic, right?

no, i'd had no idea.

so the idea of hallucinogens frightens me.  pot used to make you see things, i remind myself.  so, which side of that argument are you taking, exactly, i ask myself right back.

dragonfly

i take this very literally as a sign.  even if it's not a sign from god, or the universe, or synchronicity cosmically linking me to this dragonfly through a fractal map of chance or destiny take your pick. then that only means it is a sign from me.  which is just about the same thing if you ask me.  that dragonfly captivated me.  there is nothing else in the world that could have pulled me from that dragonfly.  so it means something.

so, meaning.  what does it means.

it took me three times longer to describe that dragonfly than it felt like it took me to write the rest of what i wrote.  and today when i was researching dragonflies, i cried.  now i may not be a trained psychologist, but i say that if you cry over something relatively banal you've hit some sort of serious psychological paydirt.  

this was the video that made me cry

so, yeah, it's an allegory.  for death.  for change.  for rebirth, in a way, because the dragonfly doesn't just change form;  the dragonfly can't even visit the life it had before, that life becomes dead to it.  which is essentially what i'm telling myself with all this astrological talk about pluto.

sometimes what i think about you is that you think i have talent.  that what you really want to do is mentor me.  that it's all pure and innocent and i just become like a child of art to you.  when i think this it makes me angry with you, just so you know.

regardless, some big change is clearly coming.  i've dicked around long enough.  the dragonfly apparently has a two year cycle attached to it.  so either a two year cycle is about to end or a two year cycle is about to begin.  but even that is vague, because it could be that i leave this job after christmas [which i'm thinking i probably should, it's really not right for me] and then there is another two year cycle to the next big jump.  which i guess with that pluto on the mercury thing on some level i want to think is writing.  but that is not what i thought i wanted.

why does it feel like i'm being hoodwinked somehow?

tombo kachimushi