i'm such a chick

i think i need to talk about the whole pluto transit thing.  i didn't necessarily want to, i wanted to write a story, but i can't focus.  so this pluto thing gas been going on a while, and it's supposed to go on til 2023.  i am not sure i can deal with that much transformation.  i said i didn't want to be a writer, when last we talked, and i think that i was being disingenuous.  that's not quite it.  it was that i didn't want to be a "writer".  i want to write.  the reason i became not-a-writer straight off the bat instead of trying and then giving up like apparently most people did was this:  i wanted to choose what kind of whore to be.  when you do something for money, essentially, at some point you end up a whore.  this might not be true.  but it is what i believed.  and it is what i still believe to a large degree, even though it is not what i believe at all.  confused yet?

you see, i now believe that the only way anyone ever achieves any greatness is by doing the activity for the love of it--  if you had to pay to do it, you would still do it because you love it that much.


so, in my fantasy, and this is terribly un feminist, i don't work.  well, i mean i guess i do, but i don't.  i take care of you [do you need a lot of personal minding?] and the house and the kids--  and i write.  i write to you, and for you, and or the kids, and i'm hopeful something might happen with it, but in another way i don't even want to know about it.  is that over the top weird?


that's kinda what i'm already doing here.  and, to be honest, it makes me a little uncomfortable.  i can see that all these people in malaysia visited the other day.  i want to know why.  what did i write, how did it catch their interest?  did they actually read it?  are there some web crawlers in malaysia that hit a key word and zeroed in, or are these actual people hitting a key word and zeroing in.  either way it doesn't mean readers, necessarily.  i am annoyed and relieved.  i write this to you.  i'm not writing it for the general public.  but of course i am.  and that awareness creates a dynamic.  it's hard to separate them because i actually think this makes me better.  i have to choose my words carefully, i have constraints.  i think these thing improve me.  but i am not constrained by structure, which is nice.  i think i have issues with structure.  which is odd really.  don't i seem like the kind of person who would do well with structure?

aren't i, in fact, trying to do the quintessentially female thing with you?  tell me, tell me, in concrete terms, what am i to you?!  i mean, i'm being all cool about it.  hey, whatever, ya know but what am i spending my time doing, here man.  time's a wasting.  that's, at it's core, such a chick thing.  i am such a chick.

i have this friend.  she's got problems.  they aren't the same problems i'm used to, but they're bad.  i just want to shake her.  she has done some things i didn't like.  i let her know i didn't like them.  i never implied that i didn't like her, or that she was bad.  although, i did really believe [internally] that it was laziness that led her to do the things that caused me trouble, and it might be that she's just kinda stupid.  anyway, i think the general feeling of wow-you-really-did-not-live-up-to-my-expectations leaked out of me enough that she got it.

let me just say right now.  this is something that i'm aware that i do but rarely when i'm doing it.  i try very very hard to hide it, unless i'm really mad.  well, that's maybe not quite right.  i think, with a certain type of individual this dynamic works okay.  when the people are like the people i tended to hire, and like my assistant now, they rarely see the reaction, and when they do, it's so mild that it just removes the need for a conversation about it.  they say what their thinking had been, i say how that differs from mine, or i don't.  if i'm satisfied that that was the best decision for them at the time, sometimes i just rethink my reaction.  i plan out new systems of support so they won't have the problem any more.  it's very satisfying.

but this woman, she just reacts without much thought.  i take that as a lack of caring about my job and the performance of it, but that's not fair, because it doesn't have anything to do with me.  but she's broken, and now i've given her the wow-you-really-did-not-live-up-to-my-expectations and it set off a landmine.  i think i have to find a way to fix it.

i kind of resent it.  i see why she runs through guys.  she does this.  and this is a super turn off.  you don't love me.  why don't you love me.  i do a lot for you.  she's told me this from her own perspective.  much longer and more complicated, but essentially the same.  this build up proceeds the stage where the guy leaves her, or where she says fuck it i don't need this shit and leaves him in what i think amounts to a preemptive strike.

i'm not sure i never had that break, maybe i did, i don't remember it.  but i really do not like feeling responsible for her whole collapse as a human being.  that our friendship means that i have to be sorry that she screwed up.  that i have to plug up her insecurity holes.  i'm having a bad reaction to that.  on the one hand i feel bad, i want to fix it.  on the other hand, i feel so much less of the friendly feelings that have bolstered her up when she had this before [i'm now realizing].  it's kinda crazy, but my instinct is to buy her flowers.

and i don't ever want to be that to you.  i'd rather be like, later dude, than to degenerate into that kind of shit.  i have issues i have to resolve.  i've told you some things i needed.  i don't think i was vague.  i'm not sure how that's gonna all play out.  there are aspects that don't favor the game i thought i was playing, but i would rather play with you rather than call all the shots.  and, ultimately, i'm not sure who will have the advantage.

the fact that i'm playing the long game may cause me to end up being bitter for missing my chance at the puppyfish, or it may make me decide that i have to get a job making a bunch of money and have insemination.  i think the first is more likely.  but i really hate myself bitter.  i'm really afraid, to be honest.  i will have to make changes.  and i don't think that the things i suspect maybe you want me to do are going to be very effective pieces of the puzzle that is the changes i have to make.

i guess that means i can't really factor you in.  and i don't really see how i can not.  round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows.


he's gonna read that and think, what exactly