goodnight sweetheart
i love you

i have to go back to work tomorrow  : (

Free Association List 01/25/19

what is the deep state?

if something like 30 people have had security clearance fails over-ridden what is the likelihood that our nation's security has been seriously compromised?

Edward VIII and the Nazis

Fantasyland how America went Haywire

what i need to write [idk why] are snow memories

well
nothing about any of that
what keeps running through my head
is
snow

driving across country to see you
snow
driving in the tire tracks of eighteen wheelers
because the highway seemed icy except in the slightly warmer bits
where their tires had been seemed wet
not frozen over
i wanted to get off the road
but
it was too much snow everywhere
i was cold
and i was worried about running out of gas
although i wasn't low yet
but i couldn't drive fast
i thought i was going slow enough
but
man how will i ever get to someplace i can stop for the night
and then
the car ahead of me
just spun out
plopping into the space between the east and west bound lanes
lucky that was open, i guess, since it was the 10
and
i freaked out a little
and slowed down even more
it just now occurs to me that
maybe
i should have tried to call someone
but
i was driving
and i really couldn't
when i got to el paso
things were warmer, i guess
because i was able to pull off the highway
and stop at a hotel
maybe it was a la quinta
and i don't usually stop there
but i was so glad to be off the road
i had really not been sure i would make it out alive
which sounds dramatic
but
i was pretty scared


and then
another time
when i was driving to vegas to work
and i had the computers in the trunk
i had rented a more luxurious car--  full sized, pontiac G6 is that a thing
and i was in sedona
i had wanted to go to sedona
i was in a little shop
and the person working there was like
there's a storm coming, you should get on the road
but
then she was telling me
to take some alternate road because it was clear
so i'm driving round the mountain
and there's snow on the ground
and i'm thinkin about the car spinning off the road
from the previous snow episode
and the mountain roads are narrow
and there is no railing
just me
and the deserted road
and spinning off the side of the mountain, possibly
and the car dash is flashing "low traction" warnings at me
and the snow is coming down thicker and faster
and
i'm sure that time that i'm gonna die
pretty sure
but
i can't pull off
there is no off
i just gotta go through until there's somewhere
and
finally
in flagstaff
the snow is so heavy i can hardly see
and i'm freaking out proper
but all in my head
i am probably looking cool as a cucumber on the outside
because i am laser focused
something
there has got to be something
and there was
it was a big big hotel
and fancier than i'd normally stop at
but
i mean
i had a credit card
and it just didn't matter
it was that or death
and
it turned out it wasn't that bad
and
it let up a little
and there was a del taco by the hotel
and it was open
so i guess the storm wasn't really even there yet
although it seemed like it
but the walk to del taco was a winter wonderland
and i got a big drink
and something
i can't remember
and then
i went to the room
and i opened the curtains
and watched the snow
and wrote to you
i thought i wrote you a bunch of stuff
but i remember writing this

which isn't even good
i guess i got better in ten years
that was december 6th 2009
and it may have been that night, or the next morning
i remember writing something about dreaming i was a trucker
but
i know i wrote that monkey tail thing
because later i looked it up in urban dictionary
and i was embarrassed
because that means something i didn't mean
but i didn't delete it
but
i can remember all of that so clearly
the tension in my body, driving
the fear of crashing the car and dying alone of exposure
and you would never know what happened to me
you'd just go on with life
think i got bored with it
and moved on

and
the next day
i had to get back on the road
because the computers had to get there, ya know
and the roads were not even open at first
and
when they were--  it was bad
icy and rough
plowed and re-icing
i don't even know the terminology for snow stuff
it was bad
but only for a few hours
by the time i got to the nevada border it was considerably warmer
and
by the time i got to the hoover dam
i was euphoric
that dam was the most amazing thing i've ever seen in my life
so beautiful
imbued with life-giving power
i had not died
i had beaten death
twice, actually
and i was flying on some pretty intense personal chemistry
i don't think it could have been more intense
if it had actually been drug induced

i had really really not believed i would get through it
i'd been less concerned about dying
but
i really thought i would not make it through
the freeway would be closed
or i would crash the car
it had been intense
and i was through it

i love you beautiful hoover dam
i really don't normally think i approve of damming
but
i guess i must
because i would not want for you not to exist
oh beautiful beautiful wonder of man over nature
and then
i drove on into las vegas
and there was a billboard
that said something profound
[i can't remember what]
and it was a message from god somehow
and the sun was setting

i was so very
alive

Free Association List 01/24/19 [edited]

what is galaxy brain

why a trans-ban?  don't ask don't tell vs. Truman--  moral questions of inclusivity in the military

i need to pay to get full access to washington post and paris review

washington post has been my favorite newspaper since i went on a trip to d.c. to see georgia o'keefe with my mom and there was a word i didn't know in the piece i was reading at breakfast

placeholder for the thing i was thinking 'you've really gotta write that down' 'why, it isn't current' 'no but you're thinking about it so it's pertinent'--  which i now cannot remember

hunt for orange october

spy in the house of love--  trump as russian asset--  he didn't think he would win, maybe was (in addition to playing with the alt-right to set up media empire) trying to close russian real estate deal and got hoodwinked into being russian puppet

someone described the wall as a series of burning crosses stretching along the border

the wall as symbol in campaign, wasn't quite the immediate security crisis last year.  motivations for the shutdown, unstated possibilities

• to look tough for his base--  in which case why isn't he declaring emergency and using DOD $ to fund thewall 
• to distract from the muller investigation (which seemed to be snowballing)
• to impede the FBI investigation (federal workers)
• to destabilize the government--  why is that desirable?
• why would russia want to u.s. destabilized at this time?

Mr Putin Operative in the Kremlin

Memes to Movements

i just had a thought that alarmed me and i want to clear something up

one of the things i really like about my communication style with you
is that there can be multiple readings of things
so often i'm like
hey
that could mean that too
i didn't think of that
cool
but

when i say:
you are a beautiful man
and i love you very much
let's leave it at that

i very much mean
my feelings about you
and our relationship
exclusively

however
when i thought about possible readings of this
it occurred to me
you might take it to mean
no comment
on things you are looking for reinforcement for
and
that possibility had not occurred to me before

so
let me say
you are amazing
you have people more qualified than me to tell you
but
it's always been about the words and energy and
and you are so genius funny
"serviceable"
is too self deprecating
but i don't disagree in principle, ya know
on many levels
better than the past
and
it's early
you are unstoppable, ok
i'm very proud of you
please don't let my issues
make you feel like i think you are any less amazing
at what you do, understand
you are one of a kind
full stop
no debate

free association list 01/23/19

they offered him a golden toilet

marmalade menace

covington cath kid/kavanagh smirk micro-expression trigger

externalized "spell"-like force swirling around the air invading people's minds bringing out latent racism [magical realism element]

mauerspringer der mauerspringer by peter schneider (re-read in english)

(can't find book)  border  us army stood at the border acting threatening until someone fired--  started war to steal all mexican territory--  engineered land grab--  agressive manifest destiny

value of WPA vs. 800,000 workers working without pay + furloughs=no back pay

perspective--  ozymandias vs puppet [to the russians, to the alt-right talking heads]

social media explosion, news media overcorrection:  facts(?) as popularity contest

point/counterpoint--  "jane, you ignorant slut"  [snl]

components of candidate likeability related to gender performance



nathan phillips - "i felt like the spirit was talking through me"

ok
on computer not phone
much easier
i can't find my notes on life in the time of grackles
it was last year
and it was just a sketch, anyway
but
it's meant to be about now
this time
the world as it is under the current bizarre political situation
but
i was writing it, sort of
and it struck me as a good idea

it's not meant to reflect on you or us or any of that

i just want to be clear
about that

i love you very much
and we have things we need to talk about
but
apparently only i need to talk about them
i got it

i'd like for my mother to be right about something
and what i want her to be right about
is that i can write literary fiction

this shit is happening all around
surely i can do something with it, right

support me in this, ok
please don't make me worry that you're going to take it
as some symbolic negative thing about you

maybe you aren't
maybe i'm totally projecting that idk
but
i have trouble writing long things
and
i think this is a novel
i really do

i just got really excited about it
and then
you had your party when i couldn't come
and it just sucked the will to write it out of me
and then
stuff happened
and i forgot about it

but all this stuff i'm reading on twitter
it's brought it back up


i have a lot of feels about you and me and history and future
and
i don't think it's good for me to talk about them
maybe you want me to
or maybe you don't idk

i want to try this
and
i haven't really got a clue how to do it
i don't think it's gonna write itself
so
what i thought i'd do
is just kinda write whatever comes up
try to do something each day
and see if a pattern shakes out

that first bit seemed like the beginning
that would interest me to read more if i was standing in a bookstore holding the book
but
this shit is going on now
the grackles are symbolic
but
they're kinda a mixed metaphor, ya know
which may not work
or it might be brilliant
do you see where i'm coming from??!!

it's not a symbol for you or me or us
i'm just not trying to make problems there, ok

you are a beautiful man
i love you
let's just stop there

this is a new game i wanna play
where rather than obsessing about you
i write something for you to read
but
instead of it being all about you or all about me
it's something else
a puzzle
a mysterious attempt
to make something
i can't do it without you
you wanna try being my muse for a while?

Good Morning

Sweetheart
I love you very much

Life in the Time of Grackles (a start)

It was at the Nature Discovery Center I found out they were grackles.  I'd always just called em blackbirds.  I was not sure until that moment that they weren't crows.

Yeah, they're junk birds.

Excuse me?

Junk birds.  They serve no purpose.

Nature Discovery.

They've pretty much supplanted the pigeons since I was a kid--  I can't tell you the last time I saw a pigeon.  Generally there are a few in the parking lot doing the job the pigeons used to do.  They clean up food scraps and whatnot.  In the winter, though, their numbers swell.  They cover the bare trees and telephone wires.  They can be agressive in numbers.  If they are filling a tree I personally give it a wide berth--  I've seen them dive bomb people.  Sometimes for some reason they will attack people who aren't even all that close.  Swooping in to bloody a head or two trying to enter a coffee shop.

Raspberries

I hadn't known I was allergic to them.

I'd had what you might call foreshadowing experiences.  In Camden Market I had been so charmed to find little baskets of them that I had bought one.  Rather expensive.  But I had had falafel too so when I found myself running back and forth to the less than charming public toilet I blamed falafel.  Plus I was distracted by Body Shop products.  Distracted and charmed by eye de-puffing gel and lip balm.  These things wouldn't hit America for a few years yet.

Then like fifteen years later I had a salad with fried bits of chicken on top and house made raspberry vinaigrette.  I'd had plenty of raspberry vinaigrette and it never caused me any concern before.  DSoo, as you may have guessed, I blamed the chicken.  In retrospect those others were bottled.  Cooked raspberries don't seem to be a problem.  And when do you see fresh raspberries?  I mean maybe you do.  You and your fancy life.  I'm not used to seeing more than three raw raspberries at a time and that more of a garnish.

So when I was in the little grocery store in Patagonia and saw the big big bag of frozen mixed raspberries and blackberries, well, I saw no obstacle.

Then on the last day I was sitting in the little three room guest house--  bedroom, bathroom, everything else room--  watching tennis.  I should say trying to watch tennis.  I don't really understand tennis.  Or maybe I do a little but not like something I really understand.  I was trying to absorb it because I liked a guy who was pretty into it.

Then I realized it was the last day.  Well, I mean, I had known that.  But as I started to think about cooking myself dinner, it came crashing down on me just how much food I had not eaten.  Some things were canned and could be taken.  Some things were perishables like milk and eggs.  Aside from making scrambled eggs there just wasn't much that could be done.

Then there was the giant bag of mixed raspberries and blackberries.  What on Earth had I been planning to do with that?!

It was frozen and unopened so maybe the landlord could have done something, used them somehow, but they were expensive and looked delicious.  No, I'm eating these!

I didn't thaw them even.  I just poured them into a bowl and started shoveling them in like a trigger food.

Then things get a little hazy.

I didn't feel too good.
How much later was that?  Not sure.
I decided to go on to bed.

The local radio station was on fire.  So I was listening to that in bed.  I kept having to run to the bathroom.  It was like the worst food poisoning you've ever had.  Competing orifices.  But really, it seemed more like just straight up poisoning.  All systems in my body screamed one setting:  PURGE!

The room started breathing.

The music on the radio was a pulsing channel to the far flung alternate dimensions of the universe.

It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard
It's a hard rain's gonna fall

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

good later than morning sweetheart
I love you very much
hope you are having a very good day

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

it's my birthday

i am irrationally giddy about that
i have stayed up late

i'm 52

i'm not sure if that's a good age or not
but
it doesn't really matter
because that's how old i am

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I love you sweetheart
I went to the mall today
I haven't been to the mall
for a long long time
probably
whenever I mentioned it last
I had a really good time

I got a Starbucks
cold brew

I'm going to bed now
but first
I have realized I follow someone on social media
that I don't understand how I'm following

maybe I fell asleep and hit the button
I think that's what happened when I unfollowed  you
or
maybe when I was trying to find the beauty wolf
who I thought I'd followed
but
don't seem to be following
or
maybe he said something I liked at some point
idk
but
I can't quite bring myself to unfollow
because he's giving me a perspective
that I want to know
even though
now that I'm reading my feed
is
wiggin me out a little

anyway
back to regularly scheduled sleeping

good morning sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i love you
and
i hope everything is well with you

New Phone

Ok
this is officially
for the very first time
written with an app
all other times
when it was written on my phone
(most early morning, late night, or work posts
which means
quite a few)
we're written
on a tiny web browser page
copied to a tile on my start page

I'd blow it up to see it

I'm not sure
how I feel
about the differences yet

but
I like to have access to apps

but
whoa does Instagram have ads
I never had em before

I gotta go to bed
I'm pretty sure I made the right choice of phone

I went to pick
and I do research
but then
I get the one
that seems intuitive
and the V30 did not

I got the XL too
it seemed more comfortable

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

it's weird
the buttons
and navagation
I kinda think I liked the old way better
but
progress
ya know

ok

this is with the computer

wtf did i do that made random words underline

poop

that is the word that i wanted to use

i'm not sure when i used it last

i have like 8 apps and 2 widgets

i'm giddy

see

you didn't realize how not hip i've been livin

i had apps for a very few social media things

but

they stopped working like a year ago

and i had to work around with the pinned browzered tiles

and

i've totally missed snapchat

it's over

and i never got to do it

i wasn't that into it

but

i never even saw it

i need to find the next thing

and early adopt

also

the emojis are all yucky

i liked my old ones better

i still gotta figure out vlogging

so much catching up with the technology

and

i don't really get the assistant

why do people like that

i had it on my old phone

but

i never used it

i've watched some more mamet
but
i fell asleep in chair
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

mamet: surprising and inevitable


drama: comedy metaphor


the example he keeps going back to
why did the chicken cross the road
and
somehow
this clicks
it's not funny except by virtue
of conventional expectation
we expect something funny
but
we're given something true
and it's funny
because
of course
ya know


and
he was talking about
needing to cut your favorite scene
and having the movie be better for it
because it's too precious
and I get that


margaret atwood
she was talking about
being 200 pages into a book
having 8 characters
their whole back stories
and
having the story not work
having to put it in a drawer
too many variables
nothing happening


now
I am not certain that nothing happening
is that big a problem
but
it's gotta write itself in a way
if it's too difficult
it's maybe not the story to write now


mamet: drama is a gathering of the tribe


this
is maybe
a place to start thinking
differently
what is the journey
who are the tribe
who is their hero


good morning sweetheart
happy new year