probably this'd be better if i had photoshop, but you'll get the idea, anyway

i can't seem to get the hair color i'm trying for--  kind of a chestnut brown with sunbleached bits.

that kid, the one haunting me

he was not the one, you know
the other one was the one i always pictured
with his beautiful soulful eyes
adorable hat
and
sometimes
i let myself hope
for the daisy headed girl

this one
he's so the future leader of something
the smile
the eyes
something about him
so that
even though
he doesn't have the beautiful shyness
he doesn't have the beautiful ears
and he doesn't fit the allotted name, at all

he stole my heart, apparently
my little ari
ari'el, maybe
though
i could never have a child that blonde
i have no blonde genes
nor do you, perhaps
but
i don't think his beauty comes from fair
though the leontine quality may be there
he is the very first amalgamation
the computer generated
and
that expression
those eyes
that open smile
are somehow so perfectly blended
that he just looks like him

this guy has been haunting me

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcCzmGz0eyJudXytyGv-bZxto98eOKU_pmnJupps6RES-rBZVaOUlJ9l238dRXGTFiC_2bt7h9LHzZZATxDSdeK3FVDIXkPj8sY90RkqG5kJXgfYrf4tqNtwLQGWQzngsfSEEq4i-Srvn2/s1600/MyBaby.jpg

i don't know why
and
for some reason
he looks like an ari to me

i don't know why
i'm showing you this
i really don't

wine and lingham

i had a very long and involved dream
about wine
which
might be for symbolic reasons
or
it might be because
before bed
i was researching buttery chardonnays
they all seem to be all fruit, anymore

anyway
i can't remember anything
about the wine part of the dream
because
all i can remember
was the enormous member

and
member
which normally sounds a little romance-novel-esque
seems totally
appropriate
to scale

i'm not even really sure
it was attached to anyone

it was covered in a condom
like the shed skin of an anaconda
loose and puckered

staring down the barrel
eye to winking eye
unimpeded

fertility

walking

last night, when i went to bed, i had the strangest thing in my head

and this is not just my typical background noise

i had fiddler on the roof
playing in my head

what does it mean
a fiddler on the roof
who fiddles every night
and fiddles every noon
why does he pick so curious a place
to play his little fiddler's tune

a fiddler on the roof
a most unlikely sight
it might not mean a thing
but then again
it might

why would i have that running through my head

what does it mean

even if we're going with tevye
why that song


i love you
i miss you
and
what i wish i had right now
one of your hugs

i really don't know how our story ends
and
i'm very confused about this chapter, in general
and
for whatever reason you did that thing you did
i'm not sure it's gonna work out like you think
and i'm not sure what i mean by that
just please be careful

i had this disturbing dream
quite a while ago now
but i didn't tell you about it
because i thought maybe you'd think
i was making some hex or something
which i'm not


but there was this baby
and it was crying and crying
and i had this red lit up button
a kill switch
and somehow it touched the baby
i didn't push the button
and it just stopped


i don't mean it stopped crying
i mean it just stopped


i don't want to hurt anything
and this dream
freaked me out

please take care of yourself
and
whoever

ok, i feel you now

i love you

very much

i didn't feel you today, and it's kinda freaking me out

i hope
i didn't say anything to offend you

maybe
i was just busy and focused
but

maybe
something is wrong with you
or

maybe
we were both busy

whatever

just as long
as you know
i love you

corazon

it's a funny old world

i don't really know what i wanted to say

something
about
how
i don't think i look as old as i did
five years ago

something
about
how
if you thought that thing i think you might have
how could you think that

something
about
how
i'm kinda afraid that i don't remember
how to make love

something
about
how
i have no idea what's going on with you

something
about
how
i'm worried about you


i dreamed last night that i was married to the leader of the country
like evita, or something

and he was saying:
just pack everything up we'll just go

he was trying to get the rest of the government
to do something
by threatening to quit, basically

but what if they just let us go, i asked him

then, he said, you'll just have to support me on your salary
as a college professor

am i a college professor, i thought, hot damn
i thought i was a wife and mother

but he knew what he was doing
he didn't want to lose power

and then
i woke up


i hope you are healthy and happy
and that
everything is going
however it was that you wanted it to go

something's up with my breasts

so
i went shopping today
i was going to do something
more enriching
but
i really didn't feel like it

i needed some more bras
and some shoes
[i had returned all the others
and after daily use
the others
are
wearing out
and
not as comfy
as they would be if switched out
i'm guessing]

and i found some shoes
they are adidas running shoes
pretty much like the rykas
so, cool

but
none of my bras seem to fit right
they seem to be
both
too loose
and
too tight

maybe
they are all just wearing out as well

now
i'm not sure if my tits were ever what you'd call perky
but i remember when they first drooped
and
i remember when
i had kinda gotten used to that
and then
they drooped again


but now
they're doing something else
they seem younger
not like magazine tits
but
more alert somehow

so i'm trying on bras
and these are normal brands
even though i'm at the ross
and
the C cups are too tight
now
i've almost always been kinda a C-
because
i have national geographic shaped breasts
not big ole melons
but now
they are pushing out in the bad not-push-uppy way
and 40 seems a little loose
but 38 won't meet at the back
not even kinda
how can that be
so
but there was this kick ass sports bra that was 4.99
seriously, 4.99
so i had to make that work, somehow
and i remembered
you can go bigger around if the cup size is too small
so i got a 42C
the other two i got were 40DD
they were kinda unstructured
but
how is it possible that i can even put on a DD bra?
and they fit like a dream

but i was thinking they were smaller

so
i don't know what is up with my breasts
they have me totally mystified

i love you, papi garnacha

i love you, sweetpea

today
there was a freak flash flood
it wasn't even forecast
as of yesterday
for it to rain

but

it

did

i saw this sign as i drove by the social network baptist church and i wonder

what do they mean


it said:

happy people avoid lust


now
this is not a stadium church
but it does have
like
2,000 members or something
and
it has been cold called out to me
as an excellent place to meet people
because they
quote
have a really large and active singles network
end quote

so
what do they mean by lust


the lust that happy people avoid


i just though it was very
strange

this might not make any sense

i've been up and down
there was one thing i didn't really believe you'd do
and now
it seems so much less likely
so it's whatever

and
i asked for a sign
not for if you'd do that thing
but
for something else

but
then
i said:
oh, but no god, nevermind
i don't even know what to ask for as a sign

and in a flash of insight
it came into my head
a pregnant woman in a pink shirt

and i'm all like:
ok god, whatever

so then
i didn't see a pregnant woman in a pink shirt
and i'm all like:
great


but then today i did
hochswanger and with a kid in-tow
so
my spirits soared

but
i'm having trouble
i'm not gonna lie

i though about names

i don't know why, exactly
i think it started
with a thought:
would i call you by your name

there is a part of me that is acutely aware
that
though i call you by silly love names
and i have, once or twice
called you
what people mostly call you
i have never called you by your full name

i like your name
and
in general
i don't call people by shortened versions
but
i always let people cue me for what to call them

so
while i might call you pumpkin or slim or shango
if i was gonna call you by name
i would only ever call you by your chosen self-referent

but i have found myself
kind of
longing
to call you ________
you know  your name

i also
found myself
wondering what you call me
when you think of me
do you attach a name
or a face
or
what happens in your mind there

i don't know
why my mind went there
it seems like a kind of silly thing, really

also about names
i think of the puppyfish
as having a certain name
that we've bandied about
and
i'm flexible and all
if you want something else
or
you think it's too plain, or common, or whatever
but i've really grown attached to it
if i'm lucky enough to get to have the small fry
i'd like to actually name him that

it's crazy, huh
but
that was today

chickpeas and crock pot love

so
i got a crock pot
i'm sure i used to have one
well, pretty sure
but if i ever really used it
it was definitely for some meat something or other
which is, of course, not my plan

i love chickpeas
but they are a beast to make
because of the skinning of the chickpeas
look up almost any hummus recipe and it will used canned chickpeas
which is crap
totally

and
i was eating all that fruit
but now i don't want fruit, not at all
it's some weather/seasonal thing i think
but
i want something hot to eat
and i want brown rice and chickpeas
and, to be honest, potatoes too

but
kinda by accident
i discovered that
slow cooking the chickpeas
gives them quite a meaty flavor

so i've had them with carrots, onions, fresh tomatoes
to make a stew
and with sundried tomatoes and onions
to make a pasta sauce
and
tonight
i think i've got chili

i never expected to get vegetarian chili from chickpeas
until after the pasta sauce
which had started me to thinking

so i soaked 2 cups of chickpeas
and marinated these other ingredients overnight
so they'd be just ready to throw in the crock and go:

1 huge onion [skin on, cause i heard that gives more flavor]
about a cup of basically julienned sundried tomato
a couple ounces wakame
about a tablespoon of umeboshi vinegar
about a tablespoon of soy sauce

and i'm really sorry
but i have no real guesstimate on quantity
but i'm going with

1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon cumin seed
1/2 teaspoon dried garlic bits
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 teaspoon fennel seed
1 tablespoon turmeric

and i soaked some peppers overnight in the chickpea water
and basically julienned them before putting them in the pot
[what i keep meaning by basically julienned is that that is about the size and shape of the pieces{a little thicker}, but i don't cut them at an angle so they aren't technically julienned, see]

i'm not sure what kind of chilis these are
i just bought a big bag of dried chilis at the farmer's market
maybe anaheim
now
i wanted to use chipotle peppers
not super hot, but that beautiful smokiness
i have some frickin chipotle peppers
but i couldn't find them
and
i really must get some habeneros
if i'm gonna do this thing right
so next time

so i pour all that in the pot
with a cup of red wine and some water

and
it has come out
tasting
very much like chili
way more than any bean concoction
of course
it doesn't look like chili
so i may submersion blend it
put some shredded cheese and raw diced onion on top
and then see how it looks
i was all prepared to add hatcho miso
but i think that's overkill
and
i think i really knew that when i put in the soy sauce

i guarantee you will like this stuff
and
if that daiya cheese is as good as it's supposed to be
it could be completely vegan
[or it could have delicious cheesey goodness]

chickpeas, who knew

just something i need to explain

i feel like i'm
not quite myself
so i just want to assure you
i'm fine

i had shut down my computer
and i booted back up
because
frankly
i felt like you might worry about me

i've had a lot to absorb
in the last two weeks or so
and
just for extra fun
i was pre-menstrual
and now
it's happy happy blood time

so
if i seem
just a little on edge
it's kinda a combo thing

i know you've got stuff going on
probably
happy celebratory stuff
so go do happy stuff
don't worry about me
i'm, as much as you could reasonably expect, happy for you
and
the idea that i might be freaking you out at all
is apparently
something that won't let me sleep

i love you sweetheart

last night's dreams

i meant to write this right away
because i felt it slipping away
but i got distracted
so let's see what i still got

there were cards
they looked like faded
whitewashed turquoise-y wood
with ethereal outline forms of animals
the only animal i remember
a bat
which has all sorts of associations
didn't seem at all negative
but there was a lot of time spent on
how the finish on the cards was reached


there was a japanese ceremony
where i washed liquid from a large bowl
over a  special cloth
and
a design appeared

there was a girl
with beads
she made beads, i think
i think there was something important in that
she had an attitude
i wanted her to come somewhere with me
or i was trying to impress her
or something
and she didn't have time for me

the night before
i was exhausted when i woke up
because i was moving furniture all night in my dreams
and when i woke up this morning, i thought, wow
the level of skill just shot through the roof
because it was all
to do with
art
and
ritual
and aesthetic, somehow
but i can't remember the specifics

somehow
i see the dreams as in some way
a step forward
but
i mean, more like artistically than maturity-wise
but
i'm irritated
because i can't remember everything
and it seemed important

the cards
seem not too important, but i remember them best
because i went through a whole process in the dream
to figure out how to reproduce them
because i found them so beautiful

does that mean
i'm supposed to make a card deck
or do a reading with some special animal cards
or was it the images on the cards that were important

so many questions

how will i know if i'm right

i've been reading some old somatic shrine posts, and i gotta say

i don't think i sound as crazy
as i thought i sounded at the time
that's one thing
what i do sound
is
somewhat adolescent
but
i have to say
i really like that girl
i think she's gonna grow into something
also
i think
i see a marked improvement in my writing
although
she made me tear up a little
so....

i read back over
what i said i wanted
and
i seem to have developed
like a whole mother persona on top of that
and, strangely, i would have said i was very maternal then


they say you don't get any smarter after they take out your wisdom teeth
and mine didn't have enough room to come all the way in
i had them broken out of my jaw
when i was
i don't know
twenty-three, maybe

how old would you say i seem now
it's impossible for me to say

and even when i was hurt and angry
and
really
the other stuff that went down
really made that all a lot worse for me
my depression
never got dangerous
i really don't want to live without you
i don't know how i would ultimately deal with that
but
i was in love with you for years before you knew
and
what no one else on earth would probably understand
is that
real or fake
alive or dead
i am perfectly capable of carrying on some type
of relationship with you

you are not some random guy
i didn't latch on to you because of what you do
or how you look, or any of that kind of stuff
and, in fact
i may have
[although i've certainly tried with due diligence not to]
written in some of what i think is you
filled in too many gaps
that is the danger if you are real
so i have to be diligent

no one could ever really take you from me

apparently, i wanna talk about, you know....

i hope
one day
to have a little boy

and
i'm of two minds, really

one falls into the cultural and aesthetic camp

the other falls into the nature camp

and
not having the proper frame of reference
my plan
was to defer

but
you know me
and you know
what i value
and
i mean, come on
the do no harm thing
is pretty
compelling

i don't know what this means

maybe it was supposed to be
a heart of darkness
or
apocalypse now
reference

i say that because of the boat
but the tone was quite different

it was a journey of exploration
but not so much of the soul
it was through waterways
[ditches mostly, i think]
to get from one apartment to another
charting the territory, as it were

i think the boat was one of those
big-fan-everglades-types
and there was a whole cast of characters
both on board
and on location

i'm hoping some of it comes back to me today
because, for now
what i remember is

eating some sort of delicacy
like an artichoke heart
a brussel sprout
and something else
all rolled into one
with overtones of it being
like dodo eggs on galapagos or something

there were beautiful vistas
there were socio-economic discussions
about the area
the people

there was
just before i woke up
and i have every expectation that it would have gone on and on
a group of people
acting out
although not actually engaging in
some sort of sado-masochistic scene
which ended with me offering to provide the soundtrack
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua dua,
dua dua dua dua dua, dua dua dua dua
the valkeries

and
over all the rest of the dream
overlaid
a radio show
by cousin _______________
i can't remember the name, but
he might have been my actual cousin
or that might have just been his name

it kinda reminded me
of another book
now that i think of it

and
maybe that was your point
if you sent it

i love ya cuz
but don't go gettin all misty about it
cause i stand by your newly ranked status
though
that's maybe appropriate
given your kingly status
get it
cuz

happy new year