today i acquired a new nickname

i'd like to write you something beautiful
something that would touch you deeply
but i don't think
my brain is up to that
allergy or whatever
forced me to visine and dayquil
seriously
i'm impaired

doesn't mean i don't want you
doesn't mean i don't long for you
just means
can't talk pretty
somedays

today, however
today i got a new nickname
and
i don't know how i feel about it:

pepper

that's the new nickname

at first i was all like:
huh
but then he explained it
and
i kinda wonder no one ever thought of that before

i have a bias against the name i must admit
because it was the name of one of the fake whores
and i was pretty young
so she made an impression

if people give me nicknames, generally
they want to call me that really common one
which i super hate

so now
rather than a hooker name
i think it's actually making fun of me
for being too perky
if you can imagine

it's a very strange world

i love you very much

tempranillo

i'm sitting here drinking hey mambo wine
and, it's ok
i'm trying it out
but i don't really like it, too acid

what i wish i were drinking right now
is this tempranillo i tasted the other day
i thought it was made by elim but now i think
that may not be right
it may be from the elim region of spain
because
surely it'd be google-able otherwise

are we better
stronger
do you think
for the fact that we've taken longer to get together
than most marriages last in toto

i know it was about a year ago
that i was telling you how lucky i feel
for getting to develop the sweet and pure romantic love
over time with you in a way that shouldn't really be possible

now it's a year later
and it feels so much more
i don't want to say mature, exactly
but it's developed, for me anyway, where i feel like
we're together
it's confusing and weird
maybe i'm not representing it well

anyway
i tasted this wine
and i thought you would like it
although, strangely, i have no idea what you like in a wine

tempranillo
is made from the very first grapes harvested
the little early ones
although, of course they aren't necessarily little
that's just a diminutive
they are luscious black grapes
full of body and spice and this stuff i'm wanting to drink with you
after it breathes a little
it's sublime, truly

and
i feel like
you love me more
than you did a year ago
maybe that's wrong, maybe you just love me
and there's no more or less to equate

i started to write this last night, then i thought maybe it was lame so i didn't, but it's still on my mind today so....

holidays

as i've said before
i hadn't been celebrating them
but
ya know
out of respect for the puppyfish
i've been trying to work my way through

and, to be honest
yom kippur didn't really work for me
maybe i didn't do it right
but
i feel like i've just spent the last five years
doing that
pretty much not stop

and really
i've always kinda
considered my ethical and spiritual
pretty much ongoing

also
sukkot
if one lives as much of the time as possible outside
seems like it wouldn't translate well
it seems like some sort of
camping in the desert
or wilderness skill learning adventure
would connect better
to the big picture

but
i've been thinking about halloween
and
i don't think i'd have the heart
to cut it out


but i had this dream last night

i was in an old wooden ship like circa 1800s
and someone [not you]
was draggin me out to swim in shark infested waters
i wouldn't swim, but he dragged me
out from the ship
back to the bow
where pope john paul 2 was at the helm
with a cardboard cutout of his head
all regaled in spikey golden saint halo
sitting on the ground across from him
where he could look at it
and then finally back in the ship

and
as i climbed back down
below the waterline
i could see the big black sharks
that had been swimming where i had just been
eight or ten of them
and i felt slightly sick
but i was ok


what does this mean

is it just some sort of message about religion
or is there something else to it

i know, as i woke up, i was having a happy dream
but the freaky pope and shark dream is all i remember
i've never dreamed about the pope before
and i notice it wasn't even the current pope

just thinking about you

someday

i want to spend a month or so

living in a cabin

somewhere wild

with you

i got a place in mind

maybe

even in the winter

and

i know you said you'd gain weight

but maybe not

i picture

a fire

the way the light and shadow

licks your face

and

my mind goes straight to hop on pop

forward, cowgirl

maybe

we can see how long we can go

without actually talking

it's never been our primary form of communication anyway

i'm developing this fantasy

where i write to you

everything

is that crazy

i'm not saying all of life that way

just a month or so

would you want to read it as we go

or would you

want to wait

how would that change the experience

i'm excited by the idea of you

small talk free

not soundless

not even wordless, exactly

i've never thought about doing that before

but with you

yes

like the crack of thunder overhead

it was a nice little record shop as far as that went
new and used
but of course
it isn't strictly speaking a record shop, is it
whatever
the place sold music
had paintings on the wall
it was
in what was unremittingly a downtown area
but somehow
also
in the middle of nowhere
it was awkward
just as it was inviting

she was early
again

she wandered around
more pretending than actually looking

she felt
she looked good
she felt
sure of herself and her situation
she felt
excited

then
there he was
his pants cinched up like a hobo
she wanted to feed him, she realized, omg
then
he turned his big brown eyes on her
muttered some words about being surprised to see her
that didn't match his happy puppy body language
and
all that maternal stuff
spun out and hit a wall

then
he turned away and looked at records
ok
he gave her the distinct impression
that it was difficult to be near her
like staring at the sun
or something

so she wandered around some more
she could feel the electricity arching through the space
it had been a while
she wasn't in a big hurry
she was sure
sure of him

he was asking the counter man a question
he got up and left the front of the store

they were alone

they were alone

they were alone

they walked toward each other

he looked like he was going to say something

she would kiss him now
now goddamn it
that's what's supposed to happen now
the feel of his lips
his tongue
the possibly ungraceful but fevered quest for how their bodies would arrange themselves in space
but the counter man had said to follow him
if they started to kiss
it was not only rude
they would certainly be caught in the act

unless it was really fast

but it was too late

her body was doing something she hadn't authorized:
she placed her hand on his shoulder, you're supposed to follow him

and he closed his mouth
he wasn't going to say whatever it was
he looked at her
with a look she couldn't read

she had a lot of time to think about the look later

maybe there was a little betrayal
a large dose of uncertainty
and
a definite saved-by-the-bell

what the fuck was that about
she railed against herself, standing alone in the middle of the record store
whose side are you on, anyway

and
for the first time
the first time since she planned to meet him
she wasn't sure of him
it could still bounce back
she could go out behind the shop
and he could come around to smoke
they could kiss behind the dumpster
desperate indie film anti-heroes
in the great barren wasteland of bohunk

but suddenly
she lost it
and she started to cry

she wasn't young
she wasn't thin
she hadn't understood him
or he her
she had been deluding herself
and now
now
now she had shut him down, hadn't she
and

and he wasn't bouncing back either

was he

i found this in a journal from 2002

once--
maybe a long time ago,
or maybe years from now,
maybe twice--
well, maybe lots of times
like when the sun rises and sets,
there was a little girl.
well,
she looked like a little girl,
but really she was an amazing swirl
of stardust and raindrops and budding flowers,
and haikus,
and monkey giggles,
but when people looked at her
all they saw was a little girl.
now a little girl
is a fine thing to be, but
when it reflects back out of people's eyes
it loses something
in translation.

i was thinking about you, about us, and how we've moved through time

when i first connected with you
maybe
maybe i was assuming a lot
i had this knowing that
i don't know
we had this thing, ya know

but i still wonder
was i just
kinda pushing
were you just intrigued

not that there'd be anything wrong with that, as such

but
you realize
i had this strong conviction that just pushed me
and maybe
maybe it was all fabricated

this fascinates me

how much of all this is just pure manifestation
how much imagination

how different i feel now
how different you seem

and i mean, sure, it's been years
and our worlds have changed a bunch individually
but
i think
for myself
i can honestly say
that i've changed with you
or for you or because of you or whatever, but

i was thinking

they say, whoever they are

that you should do something 

something that you love, because

it is only by doing that something that you

will ever be successful in life, and it's funny because

there's never been anything that i really cared about that much

until there was you, you are such a game changer for me, really, you know

and i wonder, still

if i'm screwing up

all the ways i could be

maybe i should understand

something about you better, and then

i'd know which of the truths was true true

maybe i can't know-- tubs of ice and all that

but i still need what i need and i need you

that's not negotiable, so if that makes

me bad then i'm gonna just have to be bad, ya know

i was thinking

how is it possible that i am so naive and yet

so guarded, so open and yet so isolated

how can another person be

the one thing in life

i have true passion for

how can that be

and one way or another

truer words

baby

truer words

food

so
after i told you my food schedule
my regular food schedule
it had to change

i went to the store
2 different stores, in fact
and all the avocados were rock hard
[i won't buy rock hard avocados
i've had bad luck with them
refusing to ripen properly]
and these were $1 each
so i was extra suspicious
cause they been running over $2

so i had to go to food plan b
which i didn't have, exactly
i was going to buy papaya to have with avocado
i'm trying to up my vitamin a
because i need new glasses
and i am not getting bifocals
even though
i'm kinda afraid i need em
and i'm only getting maybe 500% rda now
but
no papaya either

i was kinda angry at the grocery
you're glad you weren't there
i was seething a little
oh, because also
i had convinced myself to get some good belly
which has been recommended to me by several sources
but it's a lab created strain of bacteria
and it's dairy
and then i couldn't get avocados
so i needed lunch food
and they didn't have good belly either


so i just got old fashioned yogurt
well, nonfat
and prayed it wasn't going to cause joint pain
i got frozen blueberries to go in it
cause i needed orac scale

so far it's ok

i do think it's kinda funny
i've been eating all these cantaloupes
and
at first
i didn't realize
they were making people sick
i just realized they were cheap, and i needed a bunch of fruit
then
i figured i knew where they came from
and it wasn't colorado
but now, it turns out
they didn't come from where i thought they did
so
who knows
i may have been exposed
but i seem fine to me

also funny
my clothes are all loose
well, looser
[they were mostly already loose]
and
i can see changes to my body
since i started upping my fruit substantially
but
i haven't lost any weight at all


i guess 15-20 servings of fruits and vegetables will have a positive impact
and i'm not seeming to need as much protein
although
i'm not really sure how much i'm getting
but i'm stronger i think
can lift heavy objects
and maybe my muscles are getting a little more defined
so maybe
i'm converting some fat to muscle

don't know

trying to really look at myself
naked
still not happy with what i look like
but
very happy with the changes
as i notice them

things i saw today when i closed my eyes

i was doing this meditation thing i do
which sometimes
gives amazing results
but sometimes
yields nothing what-so-ever

and
for a while now
hasn't

but
today
and i did it several times
was so
beautiful

i saw
pulsing daisies
like blind jellyfish
bellowing out, contracting in
with some hidden undulating energy

i saw
the arc de triomphe
rising from the street
careening around
all teacups and tilt-a-whirl

i saw
my pregnant belly
and it wasn't that huge, i'm long-waisted
i used to see this all the time when i'd meditate on you, on us
but for quite some time now
i either didn't see it
or i didn't really see it, i'd just remember what it looked like when i had
but i saw it today
and you touching the bump
then
the skin ruffled back
peeling away
a georgia o'keefe flower
and a blinding light spilled out
like the baby was the sun

and this song was playing
a song i don't know
in a mesmerizing
sing-song
french
i saw a field
of grass-could-not-be-greener green, far as the eye could see
and a blanket, picnic
with a man and a woman and two small children
clamouring happily
a big jumble
laughing
so happy
alive
and maybe the camera pulled back
or maybe the blanket soared across the green
until they were hard to see

the music stopped


it made me really happy


i don't know
maybe
i should imagine us, just us
maybe
it's wrong for our spawn to be so
central to the vision or fantasy or whatever
but
i can't help it
and i don't know
if that's supposed to be predictive or what
because i don't consciously believe that two is gonna happen
but i clearly
saw
two

boring stuff

remember when i ordered those supplement powders
well
i still have most of the earth and vitamin c powders
so
i guess they are not so great as i thought
but
i opened a new bottle today
of macaforce
i have it in my breakfast smoothie every day
cantaloupe + banana + almond milk + macaforce
it's excellent
i have an apple for a snack
and usually an avocado and something for lunch
that's pretty consistent from day to day

sometimes
i have whole grain toast with peanut butter
for
one or the other of those meals
and a few times
i've had something different
but
mostly the same things
and
i seem to like that
and
i'm getting a pretty high nutrient load

i'm finding that i'm craving pancakes
and chips and salsa
and pizza
and generally
things from the more refined carb category
and i went through this a little while ago
they make me feel bad
but i still want them

i figure
i must need something
that i'm not getting
hence the cravings, but it can't really be carbs
so
my theory is
too much fruit makes my body slightly uncomfortable
and it craves the more junky foods to mitigate those symptoms
but then those make me feel sick
gummed up and heavy

so what i need to do is
figure out how to eat something nutrient dense
that will mitigate the fruit, because it's the swinging out of whack
that makes me swing the other direction, blah blah blah, whatever

you take care of yourself
get enough sleep and stuff
very important for your health
i love you
and i want you to be healthy
be careful
stay hydrated

you
burn bright for me, my darling
through any distance
a star
in
the night sky

dreams and feelings the last few days

so last night i dreamed and dreamed

it was quite involved
i had to do some sort of training
so i spent my time
preparing
what i would wear
body language
projecting confidence
but
then
it turned out
there was no lesson plan
i was just supposed to use my experience

great
i so would have used the time
to plan out
what
to say

and there were so many forms of running water

because
in reality
it rained all night


and the last few days
i keep thinking i can feel you
maybe you're happy
maybe you're creating things
maybe you're thinking about me

i don't know
and
i vacillate
sometimes
i think you're unhappy
or maybe i upset you somehow
[hopefully not]

but i think i'm just projecting
i feel a little volatile


and i asked for a sign

it rained all day

and
i was outside with a friend of mine
it wasn't raining very hard
we went in
and another girl asked
how come you got wet [to my friend]
and [my name here] didn't get wet
i got wet, i said
i just look wetter because my hair got all greasy from the rain
[insert some conversation about frequency of hair washing]
i don't wash my hair every day, i say, not nearly
how often do you wash it
about once a week
[disgusted looks of disbelief]
how do you get away with that
i have dry hair
what day are you on
six
do you wet it every day
well, it gets wet in the shower, a little but i'm trying not to
and then what?
you just scrunch it a little and it looks like that

yes

i don't like you very much anymore



so
i don't know
i guess i still have good hair


i love you

friday

i don't remember
exactly what they were about
something about lovers and files, somehow
and this morning i am obsessed with the idea that, somehow
you will find what i wrote last night discouraging and sad, which
it wasn't intended to be

and
even though
i don't remember the dream clearly at all
i remember
the color
it was
a pewter colored dream

pewter
of the candlesticks i bought
to celebrate shabbat
with you

surely
that's a happy sign

surely
i worry too much

may you be inscribed. and all that
but, really
you're grown around my soul
a strong black vine

and becky thatcher
dances in the okemah moonlight
watch her twirl boys watch her twirl
in the inky darkness
like the tips of her pigtails

oh tom, why

i haven't written you in so long, i hope you know i still love you

you know
it's really weird
i used to remember my dreams
but, lately
even when sometimes i know i've had them
sometimes even tell myself i've got to remember them
by the time i'm awake
they're gone

the only one
that i can remember
i don't really want to remember

at least
not some of it

i came to see you
you were some fancy financier or something
with a big regency office and assistants and stuff

anyway
i finally got in to see you
and you did exactly like i have always wanted you to do
you looked deeply into my eyes and told me that you love me

but
then just when my heart started to go pitty-pat
you did the thing i fear the most

you said the thing i thought you said that time before
but then maybe didn't really mean to say that time
you thought i was in the room with you
and i had orchids in my hair

and
i love you so much
and it feels so different now
it's hard to explain
like
i've imagined you into every cell of my body
like
even though
i never see you
i never talk to you
i never am quite sure
you aren't really a figment of my imagination

you're with me
always
everywhere
the one
to whom i narrate the story that runs continually forever in my head

the one
i always knew was there, somewhere
i can remember knowing you were there
when i was eight years old
too young to associate any romantic allusions to you
you were just the other part of me
the twin i was supposed to have, but didn't

and you were what
twice my age
and living
a world
away

did you even know i was there, i wonder

when
did i begin to exist for you

and
how


and
as corny as it might sound
i've started thanking god for you, every day
even with the curse
even if the dream is true

it makes no sense not one bit not at all
but
i feel right somehow
because
i know
it's
you

i busted out the adya clarity

i've been feeling like i might be getting sick
i've been around a lot of sick people
and i thought it was all done
and i was through it
but maybe not

i'm out of emergen-c, and anyway i switched
to the natural vitamin c powder
and i've been on this fruit thing
but the fruit has drawbacks
so i've had some wheat
which maybe now has
drawbacks too

i
don't claim
to have all the answers

but
last year in december
i got really sick and i needed, something
and adya clarity is what i had
and it seemed to help

so
black mica
do your re mineral goodness
and i haven't been eating anything
for about 6 hours after i get up
just to kinda extend the fast before breaking it


i just got a mental image
a whole wall stacked with firewood


not sure what that means

i need to go to sleep
i have to get up
really early

love
me

i've had a headache all day and i'm not sure why i'm still awake

i think i might be getting sick
or my neck might be slightly out
or
maybe the bread [seeduction]
and pasta
i've had recently are no longer ok for me
maybe i'm celiac and just don't know it
but
i feel weird, physically

i hope
everything is good with you
healthy
and
happy

i hope
everything you've ever dreamed of wanting
all comes true for you

think healing energy my direction, pretty please pumpkin
i don't want to get sick

you created something just a few hours ago, i could feel it

it was strong
so either
i've started having seizures
or
eating pasta with puttanesca sauce makes me come
or
you made something

it's talking

the other day
before i left the house
i asked for some sign that would make
everything make sense

i specified, of course, that i wanted no car signs
what i wanted was something from the natural world


i was going to meet a friend for dinner
i was going early to avoid, as much as possible, traffic

i saw that borders was in it's final days sale
and i've looked at some books at that specific location before
i thought i'd see if any of the jewish books i'd liked were still there, for cheap
this is all background, really

i went in
went upstairs
the entire jewish section
wiped clean of books, entirely
i stopped to look on the re shelving cart
and
right there
on top
is a deck of medicine cards


now
i'm pretty sure
i once had a deck of medicine cards
but they've never surfaced in the last ten years
so they've gone somewhere
and
my mom keeps telling me she has a deck she'll give me
but
she never does
and i just keep not buying another one, but
i want it

so i check the deck
and it's all there and everything

and
it's gotta be a sign
that place looked like locus hit it
and that was just right out there


and
of the natural world, ok, maybe a stretch, but it depends, maybe not
but
how does that make everything clear


it could mean:
everything will come to me when it's supposed to, effortlessly

it could mean:
i'm not really ever gonna be jewish
i can use a more or less jewish framework of metaphor
but i'm really something way less structured by nature


it could mean:
it's talking to me
it loves me
wants me to be happy, give me gifts
but it can in no way make everything clear
[what am i thinking even asking for shit like that]

i did a reading
and it said, basically:
you don't need to know anything, clearly
making sense is not something for you to focus on
you need to learn what you know
salmon, bear
moose, buffalo
you want everything to not only make sense
you want it to be poetry
alligator
and
what you keep bucking against
coyote
you don't actually need the answers
and even when you thought you were slightly separated from me
it's like you should compare that to what normal people have
just for perspective
trust me more
swan


the woman who cut my hair
we were talking
she got a tarot reading from an old jewish man
she was specific about it
apparently that is an odd juxtaposition, not sure why
he told her if she moved back she would die
and
she had all these problems with her son
and she had tried to kill herself
so she hadn't really just moved back
what she had done was just get back up and running

and
she said
that it was really amazing
because
she had prayed
like the night before and just that day
for her old customers to come back
because she lost them when she moved away

and then

i just called

out of the blue

i love you

happy thoughts, love you

it's like i can feel you thinking about me

it's got

like

a happy bounce to it

does that make any sense

don't know

hopefully, that means everything is going really great for you there

take good care of yourself

i started to say

take good care of yourself, pumpkin

i like pumpkin as a general endearment, it's goofy

not any goofier than ma petite chou chou [for example]

but then

my little chew toy popped into my head

which is kinda dirty

so

you pick

folksy or kinky

i go both ways