processing again, I guess

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my HEAD 

& I don't understand it well enough to articulate it 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I have to sleep 

I want to dream things that will help me 

SORT it all out

I think I agree with TK about the uniforms but I like that batting hermet

it's LIKE 

BASEBALL is a 

zip file

or

SOMETHING 

I'm feeling less sh*tty, but still a little out of it

I wrote that hours ago 

I guess now I'm going to have to remember 

to check that toggle

I guess once

you accidentally switch it

you can't switch it back

I'm having challenges with life today

I'm not sure how I'm doing 

I'm having 

ANXIETY today 

I had to "deal" with figuring out my mom's 

inspection/registration sticker

I feel exhausted 

& I want to throw & break sh*t

BUT 

that doesn't make SENSE 

I am sick of myself 

& that's not 

NORMAL

for me

I'm sorry I just feel like I'm not good company

I'm definitely off VIBE

I feel like I'm running around screaming 

rending my clothes & pulling out my hair

(except, not really, because I'm not in any pain)

I ALSO feel like 

I might fall over & pass out 

WTF

explaining user error

I think I may have

"scheduled" those posts

SOME of them 

are in a scheduled folder

NOT 

unfortunately 

the LONG

personally meaningful one

about this baseball series 

& how it has

OPENED me back up to baseball 

after a long period of 

being somewhat

disillusioned 

with

change in baseball 

I will have to re-write that one I guess 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

testing one two three

it might be user error 

I had another one 

DISAPPEAR 

as soon as I posted it 

I'm not sure what is up

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

goodnight 

strange things a foot

there are like two or three

POSTS

MISSING 

from yesterday 

MAYBE 

it's the emojis 

???

good morning sweetheart 

NO EMOJIS 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

NO EMOJIS 

it was like a journey

I MEAN 

THAT 

was

EPIC 

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶

they're running out of pitching

WELL

now it's looking like 

17 innings

5-7

OR 

7-5

MAYBE 

nail biting

WHEW

& we go to extra innings

Shohei HUSTLE Ohtani 

is OUT 

BUT 

come on 

Kirk's back up

WOW again

I hope you are watching this

it's a GOOD game 

JUST WOW

fun

this is SO FUN

man, I bet it's fun to be a dogers fan for real

OHTANI 

AGAIN 

baseball again

AND

I MEAN 

this PITCHING 

BOTH sides

baseball

Alejandro KIRK 

slugging HOME RUN 

ohtani

Ohtani home run 

that deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball

when there's music playing in my HEAD 

SOMETIMES it's like

when you see in MOVIES 

the CIA is running an OPP and they are

BLASTING the AREA with 

LOUD music 

to overwhelm or whatever 

THAT is KINDA what I'm dealing with 

RIGHT NOW 

it's 

pinball wizard

I LOVE you

good morning sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

goodnight sweetheart

thank you for being with me in spirit 

being with my mom 

doesn't feel 

supportive at all

& I really don't like the part where people come through and say the things they say

I gotta sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶

visuals

the inner barrage continues

OK

driving here

stuck in my HEAD 

how sweet it is to be loved by you

weird music in my HEAD

are YOU okay 

I'm getting these

SONGS

that SEEM

some kinda WAY 

& they ARE

from my childhood 

BUT 

I just want to make sure 

YOU 

are NOT super agitated or something 

I LOVE you VERY much 

& I have NOT been 

trying to agitate

the songs

billy joel --  I'm doing it all for layna

the young & the restless theme song

MAYBE 

I just heard them somewhere 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

maybe an extra l-theanine

ALSO

for SOME reason 

it's VERY important to me 

that I post THIS 

with the RIGHT song

& I cannot FIND the right song

I'm weird

ALSO

I feel like I got MORE going on 

than I can PROCESS 

&

I'm experiencing 

CHOPPYNESS

SO

I guess I'm having a lot of feels

ALSO

those two bigger paintings 

we're reworked 

I was very EXCITED 

to make those

REALLY 

NICE

STRETCHED canvases

finally 

WORK

I had SO MUCH 

TEXTURE 

on that 

ONE

I guess I just wanted to share

I have a bad headache 

I had process

DREAMS 

I decided to stay in bed

I've only been moving around 

for a little while 

I had a thing 

I wanted to SAY 

that I felt like 

I needed to say STUFF 

BEFORE 

& NOW

I'm not sure if 

THIS

WAS what I wanted to say 

SEEMS unlikely 

I decided that

STIL de GRAIN flashe PAINT 

is gonna be a thing for me

I just get such good effects and I'm getting the FEEL of it, ya KNOW 

SO

I did some research 

they've got 

LIKE 

eleven-ish more iridescent colors

LOT

of metallics

the STIL de GRAIN has

a color and "reflective" layer in the paint

BUT 

the reflective layer 

READS SILVER

in certain concentrations

it GRABS me

SOME of this painting is 

ALMOST

SCULPTURAL or SOMETHING 

RAIN

it's starting to RAIN 🌧️☔ 

it's supposed to 

all night

& all 

tomorrow 

LIGHTS 

just went 

OUT

came back on

BUT 

it MIGHT get

EXCITING

I'm KINDA 

I'm not sure what emotion 

that I'm pretty happy 

with those paintings 

OFF

& on AGAIN 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

what I worked on today

I reworked this one I'm planning on putting it at the end after the small silver one

surreal circus

I keep getting this vaguely floating to consciousness 

SURREAL CIRCUS & SIDESHOW 

also

if I ran the circus 

by dr Seuss

not sure where that's going 

OR if it's connected to 

EMPATHY 

exactly 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶🫶🫶

falling asleep

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

TK

that's not what I DO

I don't welcome 

the brilliant dan been putting it into reasonable perspective 

point spread-y 🫶🫶🫶

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT 

TK says of 

SECOND 

SONG

same

episode 🎉🔥

jesse owens!

individual neko wafers!

vs

whole big candy bars

coffee crisp🤤

matcha KitKat🤤

tk

TK is

JARRED by the white house 

I guess I'm GLAD

he mentioned it at all

what I worked on today

this is not finished, I think 

the other MIGHT be finished 

notes

TK is still not available on audible 

I really want to use my regular player

iTunes doesn't work as well for me

SO

probably tomorrow 

he's demo-ing the white house 

& it's a corporate sponsorship ballroom 

🤬🤬🤬

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

I'm going to bed

🫶🫶🫶

NAMSHUBS

HOW many HOLES 

does it take 

to FILL

the big empty void

that is your NEED or your DUE or whatever 

DESCRIBE your HOLE 

what does it tell you about the secret of life

emma goldman's living my life

snow crash

america is run by corporations 

NAMSHUBs

hester in scarlet letter

moved to england for pearl

BUT 

came BACK to live out her old age in her

PLACE of SIN & punishment 

romantic character in a 

realist world

what does it mean

the WORLD is 

SECRET

& the JOY 

is in the secret itself 

NOT 

KNOWING the secret

you can

NEVER

know the secret

you can only 

TRACE

the shape of it--  the HOLES you CAN SEE

"the chrysanthemums" by john steinbeck

I need to read AGAIN 

I remember 

it made me CRY in ninth grade

is it just sh*t that makes me cry

format -- question: parameters of a BOX

the BOX is

ALWAYS EMPTY 

& you are

A) ALWAYS 

B) NEVER 

alone

giving them each what they needed -- empathy as legacy

I'm also thinking about 

in wind-up bird

the guy

who brings him the BOX 

from the old guy who USED to tell him STORIES 

the BOX itself 

is EMPTY 

the legacy is the

STORY

which the man has been unable to TELL anyone 

which the old man couldn't TELL 

while he was

ALIVE

SO

it's KINDA a legacy to

EACH of them

the LEGACY giving TELLER

& the non-judgemental TOLD 

ugh

I UNDERSTAND 

that people 

JOIN 

groups

churches

BECAUSE they want to belong, to FEEL like they are in a community of like minded people 

I USED to want that TOO 

BUT 

when I couldn't 

FIND one

I had to do OTHER stuff 

they want to belong

BUT 

they ALSO want to FEEL like their ENEMIES will SUFFER

they want to be TOLD without 

FEELING LIKE 

they are being 

TOLD

they want to 

FEEL 

proximity to POWER even if it's 

CLAIMING jesus-y 

BLESSED are the

MEEK 

they are cool to be individually CALLED meek

as long as they have 

ACCESS to the JUICE

they don't ACTUALLY want EMPATHY unless it's 

FOR THEM

they don't LIKE 

LOVE your neighbor 

they don't LIKE 

judge not

lest you be judged

it's 

TRICKY 

I'll listen to the whole show later

sacco and vanzetti 

I LOVE you 

I'm trying to get to work club 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 

I'm nodding off

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

I'm going to sleep 

🫶🫶🫶

I'm just hitting points

I KNOW 

I skipped a bunch of steps

it's not pie

the VERY supposed ACT

of engaging the

empathy engine 

is all about

"ME"

HOW 

can we break this

SENSE

that there is a SHORTAGE of "the good"

if anything good is happening to

YOU 

THEN

you MUST be 

KEEPING it FROM ME

sometimes there ARE short resources 

BUT 

MOSTLY 

this attitude is just hate filled 

DELULU

make delulu FUN again

HOW human are humans

the empathy engine 

in pkd's do androids dream 

exists in an environment where the earth is

DEPOPULATED

most people have moved

OFF WORLD

to get

AWAY 

from the pollution and radiation 

those who are left

are LARGELY 

genetically damaged

ISOLATED

& the empathy engine allows them to 

CONNECT with OTHER people 

they FEEL the

STONE

hit their face

BECOME the MAN walking UP from DEATH 

they FEEL the presence of the 

OTHERS

so they are

NOT ALONE in the WORLD

SO

they are 

& EVERYTHING in do androids 

is about PROVING your 

HUMANITY

because ONLY HUMANS HAVE empathy 

EXCEPT 

THAT

is just some b*llsh*t that they are 

TELLING themselves 

BOTH 

to give them a WAY to pretend that they are

STILL HUMAN

& to deHUMANIZE

the individuals 

they want

to USE

as

SLAVES

cruelty p*rn

POSSIBLY 

the largest single day protest

at LEAST since they STARTED collecting DATA

MAYBE 

read all about it on page 23 of the nyt

seriously 

the government has been taken over

by a CRUELTY P*RN

syndicate 

& the

PROBLEM is 

that while say

ICE CREAM 

is a thing that even if you don't specifically have 

a TASTE for it

you might be LIKE 

yeah, okay, I do KINDA like at least some flavors

of ice cream -- no big deal, I can eat it

IF you DON'T like

CRUELTY P*RN 

it tends

to make you

FEEL LIKE

NO!

I DON'T WANT to SEE THIS 

I don't LIKE this

STOP!

no therapy & I'm being difficult

I'm at work club 

therapy was 

of course 

cancelled 

&

it took me quite a bit of 

PUSH 

to get myself 

OUT 

of the house

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I'll talk more soon, ps I heard Hank singing on the bayou at the cafeteria bathroom today

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

hopefully therapy tomorrow 

I'm thinking about 

my frog

collection 

& WONDERING 

I got stuff going on in my HEAD 

I'm hoping it 

gells

🫶🫶🫶

what I worked on today

additional thoughts

not because I don't like emojis 

BUT 

I'm not sure whether 

it's a problem 

& I intermittently 

THINK I should not 

you are

ps

pretty 

GREAT 

I'm going to sleep now

I'm thinking about 

the empathy engine 

in do androids dream of electric sheep

I want to conceptualize

a today version 

I've been thinking about it 

for a long time 

years maybe 

& 

of course 

it wasn't in the

MOVIE 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 

no emojis today 

DANCE with me

tonight

in dreamland 

world building

I LOVE it TOO

goodnight

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🫶🫶🫶🔥

❤️❤️❤️

tranquility park

I keep calling it the courthouse 

BUT 

then I'm LIKE 

BUT 

that's not where you've gone 

for jury duty

& whatnot

are you

SURE 

it's not 

CITY HALL 

yes, it's city hall

I'm confusing myself

the march was very cool

NOT the sob-fest

I had back in 

JUNE

&

it was SO HOT 🔥 

there had been some talk of it being 

two to six

&

I was LIKE 

I won't make it to six

BUT 

they marched at roughly four

& it seemed like more people than in june 

& they had an earlier rally

at discovery green 

& then marched

down to the

I keep calling it the courthouse 

is that RIGHT 

hang on

errata

I didn't have the sound on

I just SAW

JAPAN

7mil

it was hot, the weather I mean

one of my favorite signs today 

'i would call t*ump a c*nt

but he lacks depth 

and warmth'

😁

the two ohtanis are kicking *ss

I'm just KINDA wanting to 

be close to you

MAYBE 

looking up

at the stars

I've started watching these channelers 

LIKE 

if this video crossed your feed

blah blah blah

BUT 

they are all telling me 

he is so into you

& I don't hate it

I KNOW 

they are general messages

& I'm not sure if I 

BELIEVE in 

channels 

BUT 

it's part of my SYNCHRONICITY and I like it

I passed out trying to write this 

I'm getting ready for

that thing today

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

❤️❤️❤️

friday thoughts

cardiologist today 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 

I'm having a strange combination of 

feeling MORE calm in my 

BODY

less fight, flight, freeze

& THAT

is making things better 

BUT 

FEELING

a little 

OVERWHELM

which makes the

TALK-Y talk

harder

YOU 

are super cool though

🫶🫶🫶

should sleep ❤️

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

what I worked on today

not sure HOW this will dry

BUT 

pretty close to finishing up 

I think 

I'm weird redux

ps

you

look 

GOOD 

the graphic has

REALLY 

COOL 

text

ure

!

omg!

I didn't do that on purpose 

*REDACTED*

internal monologue 

I love you love

I KNOW it's not late

BUT 

I HAVE to 

SLEEP 

I need EXTRA 

dream time 

I took a delta8

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

🫶🫶🫶

❤️

I am weird

I'm BACK on the WEIRD food PROTOCOLS 

I had FIVE hard boiled eggs 

with chili smoked salmon which is too expensive 

& TOO decadent 

SO

I'm CLEARLY making a point

because I 

WHAT

NEED to LOOK a CERTAIN way

CARB CYCLING 

I feel 

FAT

I mean yesterday 

I was saying 

I THINK cortisol is responding to somatics

I think that belly is retreating

BUT 

I mean today 

I look SUPER FAT

it's exhausting 

yeah

AND

there is actually a lot of other stuff going on in my HEAD 

I'm having this weird SENSATION 

LIKE 

if you weren't quite sure you could handle life

BEFORE 

it's LIKE 

SOMEHOW I missed a layer

NOW

I don't remember what I was gonna say 

other stuff I'm thinking about

I've been thinking about 

a FORMAT for 

SOMETHING 

on 

SUBSTACK 

it's 

KINDA

amorphous at this point 

I have this stew of philip k. dick & murakami 

& that KINDA 

CHUCK palahniuk STRATEGY 

-- I haven't finished it

-- I don't know how 

-- I feel about

-- TRANSGRESSION

I might need a paper copy

because he does

have a LOT of 

HOW TO

& this all interests me because it follows 

the SYNCHRONICITY

BUT 

I FEEL LIKE 

I USED to 

feel differently 

& I WONDER what THAT means 

BUT 

I don't wonder TOO hard

BECAUSE 

I don't have bandwidth to worry about that and besides I'm not worrying 

I'm RIDING the

UNIVERSAL wave

LIKE 

I don't KNOW yet

SOMETHING 

that'd be 

FUN

to

READ

I still haven't gotten used to titling these

I just watched a thing

did all the

MBTI

personalities in 

1 minute

ESTP (my brad pitt fight club opposite type)

was Marisa Tomei (in my cousin Vinny)

which I also haven't seen 

BUT 

seems less 

ANARCHIST 

& THEN

I don't KNOW WHY this made me so happy 

because I'm not a big star wars fan

BUT 

INFJ

was obi wan kenobi 

the FORCE

is what gives a

JEDI 

his (sic) power

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

hi 😁

I had a lot of dreams 

I think in one

I was watching a video of myself 

& decided I needed to 

CUT my hair 

& then

I started cutting my hair 

BUT 

I was outside 

in a big park like area

with other people 

who I seemed

to KNOW 

when I woke up

as I came to consciousness 

I was FILLING my

BODY

with

LIGHT

it's TOO sunny to WALK now

& I'm not sure 

WHAT I'm gonna do YET 

BUT 

I'm definitely 

FEELING 

BETTER 

❤️

up late again

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I'm going to sleep 

I'm not sure 

WHAT exactly is happening when, yet

I'm sorry I've been in a funk 

I WILL be 

returning to normal 

PROBABLY 

tomorrow 

the weather has cooled some 

MAYBE 

some walking is in order

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

❤️❤️❤️

I'm having a day

I had to do taxes today 

I hate that

I was gonna do them yesterday 

I already had paid them

& I was already 

DOWN 

about my mom 

& STUFF 

& then I listened to 

some news

I will SNAP OUT of it

I just had

STRESS

& ANXIETY 

I've been WORKING myself up to 

THROW out STUFF 

& I'm trying to decide if I do that tomorrow 

OR

WORK CLUB 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

blah blah blah

therapy was cancelled 

I'm not feeling great 

I AM

therapizing myself 

BUT 

I'm not sure if I'm doing a great job

I'm sorry I'm not 

being all that fun to be around 

I LOVE you ❤️

sleep caught up with me

I had a headache 

I lay down 

I fell

ASLEEP 

I woke up

I decided to 

take NyQuil 

I'm going back to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

🫶🫶🫶 goodnight 

late

my g*d

why do I not go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶 goodnight 

all apologies

if I am the most selfish person 

in the history of the world 

I LOVE and forgive myself 

if I have failed to 

make something of myself 

on my own

without help

& have

INSTEAD 

needed help

& then

failed to 

PROPERLY 

live up to the intended quid quo pro

SORRY not SORRY 

I have done my best

not to promise 

MORE

than I could deliver

& HISTORICALLY 

I have pushed myself to the point of self injury 

to live up to

not just what I promised 

BUT 

to fulfill 

EVERY EXPECTATION 

that I could 

DETECT

I apologize to myself for THAT 

would it OFFEND you if I said you were a good daughter?

I guess 

I've been having some problems 

my mother 

has moved into

FULL ON

trying to elicit attention from the

possibly I'm having 

OPEN HEART SURGERY 

& she was just casually mentioning to donna 

how I was staying at her apartment and taking care of her afterwards 

& I'm LIKE 

I CAN'T actually STAY at your place

there IS NO PLACE 

for me to STAY

NOT even STARTING on

YOU haven't ASKED me 

& I TOLD you 

I WASN'T gonna BE your CARETAKER 

& THIS GOES BACK

when SHE wasn't doing sh*t for her parents 

SHE SAID 

I do not expect you to take care of me

I will hire people to do that

you just have to

CHECK IN

to make SURE they aren't 

ABUSING me

SHE had bob go to all the facilities possible 

she gave all these reasons why she 

COULDN'T 

BUT 

she didn't take care of him

OR Shirley

& EVERY STEP 

of this journey 

I have SAID 

I WILL NOT be your CARE giver

I FIND caregiving 

STRESSFUL 

when it's someone mildly grateful and kind

BUT 

SHE barks orders

& is ABUSIVE 

PLUS 

I can barely take the groceries in

without becoming 

APOPLECTIC 

from the revolting rotting dishes

& rotting food in the fridge 

which I started out trying to deal with 

& ended in my telling her

I WOULD NOT 

I'm NOT LIVING there

WE HAD ALREADY discussed 

she would go to a nursing facility to recuperate 

& she was trying to 

SHAME FORCE me by telling SOMEONE else 

BLAH blah BLAH 

there is more STORY 

when we were at her primary 

WAITING 

she's LIKE 

did jason ever leave you alone

& I'm LIKE 

the point

wasn't that he was bugging me 

the POINT was

he was COMING AT me

in a WAY 

that was LIKE 

he EXPECTED me to DO SOMETHING 

BASED on 

you are this ROLE

& I EXPECT 

X,Y,Z behavior based on your BEING that ROLE

regardless of what our

ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP is 

THAT

was my problem with jason 

when I had told her

when I was telling her

there is something wrong with me

& if you want to help me 

HELP me

BUT 

I'm not gonna DO THAT for YOU 

we talked

& she said something I didn't mention before 

she's LIKE 

that's FINE 

if you CAN

SHE thinks I'm TOO NICE 

TOO ACCOMMODATING 

that I'll CAVE and take care of her

& I MIGHT have

taken care of her

IF she WAS 

the lovely

innocent old lady that she tries to pretend to be

BUT 

the only way I'm doing any of it

is it insurance WON'T pay for it

& THEN 

she better not 

EXPECT 

better care than my checking in on her

& LEAVING if she's ABUSIVE 

BUT 

I do FEEL 

SOME KINDA way 

about all that

& I've had to go back and forth

about how that is 

NOT 

bitter grievance 

this is a LONG STANDING agreement 

that she has had TIME to adjust to

UNLIKE 

various issues 

with her treatment of me

in the PAST

I will NOT put myself in a position 

where I'm HIGHLY likely to 

want to UNALIVE myself 

to make her

FEEL 

some kinda way

I LOVE me

& I guess if I'm her daughter

SHE shouldn't EXPECT me to have 

CAPACITIES

that she herself doesn't have 

PLUS 

she's had forty-five years to make other plans

thoughts

I LOVE you 

I went to work club 

I had thoughts

IDEAS

I don't seem to have 

SAID ANYTHING 

I don't think I can explain 

exactly where my

HEAD is AT

I hope everything is better than you imagined 

I have been thinking about 

what kissing you 

would FEEL like 

I'm gonna think about THAT going to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

sleep time

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

🫶

I FEEL so 

grateful for you 

right now

today

I'm listening to 

a book on

WRITING 

by the guy who wrote fight club

I'm enjoying it 

& GET THIS 

his main mentor writing teacher

he LIVED with him

in this derelect

house

the previous owner

had lined the walls with plastic 

kept it HUMID for the

ORCHIDS 

all the floorboards were

in varrying degrees

of ROT

I'm LIKE 

THAT is basically the house on 

PAPER street 

I took a BATH 

I was supposed to go to 

RESCHEDULED therapy 

BUT 

I got the news

EARLY ENOUGH to not have taken a shower YET 

& the rhythm of the day 

SEEMED

to be 

processing 

& information gathering 

what's the sun like where you are

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

more analysis

the coffee thing

she is always 

TELLING me 

HOW 

to micro-managingly DO things

she KNOWS it BUGS me

& normally, historically 

it would get

a RISE out of ME 

DO YOU 

typically tell people that they don't 

NEED to HURRY 

when there hasn't been 

ANY CONTEXT

SAYING YES

I had planned to do that

isn't the

WRONG thing to SAY

I had NO IDEA that there was ANY RUSH

isn't the WRONG thing to SAY

if there WAS no rush

you'd think 

something LIKE 

yeah, no there's not

NOT 

HOW do I KNOW 

I'm not your 

MIND READER 

SEEMS slightly UNHINGED 

I'm AWARE 

again

AGREEING with you 

SO

I MEAN 

at FACE VALUE 

DOES this conversation MAKE SENSE 

NOW

I'm gonna admit

AFTER all THAT

I sat there 

and WROTE 

that post

WHILE I drank the

COFFEE 

& THAT

WAS MAYBE 

a little BIT of a dominance 

FLEX

long ramble-y thoughts

I just find her

SO 

irritating 

I DO remind myself 

that she is

BROKEN 

BUT 

I just find the

attempts

at getting me to 

BEHAVE in a certain way 

by prodding me a certain way 

AND THEN 

I say

are you SURE you are not behaving 

SOME KINDA way 

& I'm LIKE 

I ABSOLUTELY AM behaving SOME kinda WAY

I'm following 

to the BEST of my

ABILITY 

that CHASE guy

HOW 

to MAINTAIN 

I'm NOT reacting to ANYTHING 

I'm LETTING there

BE SILENCE 

I used to

TALK to ENTERTAIN her

BUT 

it EXHAUSTED me

& SHE 

made it

CLEAR 

I WASN'T 

entertaining 

for years

SO

I talk if I have something to say 

BUT 

often I don't really 

if she talks to ME I always answer 

I'm --

however I AM --

EXCEPT 

as much as possible 

MAINTAINING 

when she

irritates me 

I'm not trying to be an as*h*le

BUT 

I'm 

NOT 

treating her like I would 

USUALLY in the

PAST

ANY

of the WAYS from the PAST

I WAS KINDA trying to FOLLOW the EXAMPLE of

HOW SHE treated ME

THAT got PROBLEMATICAL

because it FOCUSED me

in a WAY I thought 

REINFORCED 

some of my

PROBLEMS 

SO

I'm just 

KINDA

over

a LOT of the behavior that she may or may not be AWARE of

I'm trying to be

"normal"

OR

SUPER 

but it is possible that I'm only doing 

BETTER 

BUT 

for SURE 

I'm doing better 

I don't UNDERSTAND the question 

WHY

in the world would I be

OFFENDED

to be called a good daughter 

BUT 

WHEN

did she care about offending me

it SEEMS like

a trick question 

LIKE 

EVERYTHING offends ME

would it be

OK

miss HIGH and mighty

can you TAKE a COMPLIMENT 

it doesn't make SENSE and I'm not looking to

CONTRIBUTE to whatever 

AND THEN I'm LIKE 

are you just being 

MEAN

and grievance-y

YOU 

started over with her

ALL this STUFF 

is CURRENT 

STUFF 

I MEAN not 💯 because 

TRIGGERs

BUT 

I'm not looking for vengeance 

I'm looking for 

CLOSURE 

today

I don't like how this dried

it was much more vibrant 

not sure what to do next

this is what I worked on today 

we'll see how it dries

she's trying to fight, I think, who can say, geez

you can take your time with that coffee

I'm not in any rush

thank you

I had planned to 

it never occurred to me that we were in any hurry

I don't know what might or might not have

OCCURRED to you

I'm not your mind reader 

I have noticed that

will I EVER 

IN the LIFE

be able to say the right thing to you

I don't understand that question 

almost forgot the title that time (this is from earlier, I decided I needed an edit but it's not worth reading again)

good morning sweetheart 

I am with c*nty again today 

BUT 

studio instead of

DOCTOR 

I will say

the mouth noises approach is helpful 

BUT 

she doesn't make any sense 

I hope you are having 

ADVENTURES 

I hope you are 

ENJOYING 

your interactions with 

your travel 

COMPANION 

close proximity to other humans can be

a rollercoaster 

I'm having to

accept all these negative emotions 

as being how I really feel 

& I'm not really 

LIKING it 

I looked up

WHY does my mother 

DISGUST me 

& it VERY helpfully listed OUT 

LIKE a whole list of things 

ALL of which applied

SO

I guess it does make SENSE but the thing is

I don't WANT to be all

SOAKING in 

my negative thoughts about her

I just want to get away from her

& I'm thinking that

this need to be

AWAY from 

my family of origin 

it's not 

GREAT

BUT 

I'm not sure the level of detachment necessary to not be disturbed by it would be good either 

I JUST 

KEEP thinking 

HOW do I FIX 

ME

where I can just

DEAL with it 

without 

having to work myself all up to

I DON'T CARE

because EVEN if I HATE her

which I'm NOT saying I do

I STILL 

CARE about her

SOMEHOW 

I just don't want to SEE her or HEAR her

OR 

WHATEVER 

it's a WHOLE process 

BUT 

I'm uncertain 

WHAT

I'm AIMING 

FOR 

I heard season of the witch and now I can't get it outta my head

I'm not TALK-Y but I'm 

THINKING about you 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

strange

would it OFFEND you

if I CALLED you

a good 

daughter 

she ASKED me 

I don't understand your question 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

thoughts on some emotions

I'm not sure 

that is

ONE

is

FEELING anxiety

the thing to do

is ASK 

yourself 

WHY

THAT 

is what I would typically do 

WHY are you ANXIOUS 

talk myself down 

BUT 

I'm doing all this nervous system rebooting 

I think I have got to EXPECT 

SOME 

free floating emotions in the system 

& F*CK

there's plenty to be anxious about in the world 

SO

if ya START 

LISTING 

that just feeds in EXTRA stuff that wasn't even IT

ya KNOW 

MAYBE 

JUST 

FEEL it

without having to 

ATTRIBUTE 

second rule of work club

therapy cancelled 

I'm having some pretty intense 

ANXIETY 

BUT 

I have NOW 

MADE it

to WORK 

CLUB 

SO

PROBABLY 

I'll CALM the f*CK DOWN 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

hopefully therapy tomorrow

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

🫶🫶🫶

🔥

coffee

I had

a LOT of 

DREAMS 

and we were interacting 

at least MARGINALLY in a BUNCH of em I think 

BUT 

the ONE I REMEMBER 

WAS 

you were sitting down

with your legs

EXTENDED

straight in front of you

with a cup of 

COFFEE 

resting on you

THIGH

& I was resting my head in your lap

& I took a SIP of the COFFEE 

LIKE that was NO problem 

WE were JUST 

SO RELAXED 

& COMFORTABLE 

BUT 

DEEPLY 

physically 

INTIMATE 

& I keep 

THINKING about that DREAM 

I hope you have a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 🫶 🫶 

goodnight sweetheart

I'm going to sleep 

I hope

the

MAGIC 

has been with you 

&

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

❤️

small things

I had another victory 

I THINK 

BUT 

I forgot to mention it 

I had TWO boxes

in my car

that I was gonna take

to goodwill 

it was 

STUFF 

but it was stuff that I had some trouble with 

I KNEW if I looked at it AGAIN 

I'd probably 

CARRY 

it back inside 

I couldn't 

DEAL

with going to goodwill 

& I couldn't 

deal with driving 

with those boxes in the front seat

I didn't want to carry them 

BACK in 

I drove them down to the dumpster 

& THREW 

them 

AWAY 

I had a long dream

I DREAMED 

about 

& I think it's possible that 

I DREAMED 

about this last night 

TOO

BUT 

for sure it was

the WHOLE night

on a LONG 

SLEEP 

the COLOR powders

that you apply to your face

LIKE makeup

BUT 

to ENHANCE 

MOOD

& HAPPINESS 

there was ALSO a LOT of adjacent bits

about dressing up 

& the physical boundaries 

between areas

& stuff

LIKE 

there was one part

where I was

WAITING 

because they were

REBUILDING 

a GATE or SOMETHING 

possibly something to do with trans-ness

there was SOMETHING 

where a group of us

we're sitting 

on some stairs

& we're

MOVED

in SOME kind of circular

DOWN around and BACK

BUT 

NOW we had

CHANGED

something about the WAY we

LOOKED

to ENHANCE 

SOMETHING 

I just can't remember 

WHAT

EXACTLY 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

up late

I had a LOT of ANXIETY today 

I took double l-theanine

& it didn't help at all

I had a BUNCH of DREAMS 

LIKE 

MAYBE 

I was watching you

run around 

as a cartoon 

CHARACTER 

MAYBE something else too

I've had WEIRD music in my HEAD 

from HAIR

three FIVE zero ZERO 

~prisioners of Ntown it's a dirty little war~

I'm off FREQUENCY 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

I got something out of it

WORKED through 

BUT 

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

there are a lot of things that I would have done differently, if I had been saner when I did them

I FEEL like 

I'm making a LOT of progress 

BECAUSE 

I keep feeling like 

I'm changing into a 

NEW PERSON 

again and again 

is that RIGHT 

I went through a 

WHOLE 

THING 

today 

it

did

NOT 

ALL feel like progress 

a LOT of it FELT like just BARELY managing overwhelm

& I watched a video about Jung's view on

this KINDA reaching BURNOUT as an EMPATH

DISCOVERING 

the shadow 

in a 

potent

WAY

&

TRANSFORMING 

STOP

OVER identifying with the ARCHETYPE 

FIND your TRUE self

busy day

POSSIBLY 

I was WRONG 

about WANTING to FEEL my feelings 

I didn't enjoy it

BUT 

I drove my car

to phonecia (I'm CONFIDENT I spelled that wrong)

BOUGHT big bags of lentils 

AND

went to 

WORK CLUB

BUT 

it was KINDA 

a rough day

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much

❤️

side effects

and ya KNOW 

I've been 

DOING 

that

TAPPING thing

& there's this

weird SENSATION 

it's a little 

UNsettling because it's INSIDE my chest

it's just like this

SLIP

LIKE 

it didn't 

QUITE manage

the SYNCHRONIZED 

& it's trying to 

SLIP

back in LINE without 

being NOTICED 

clothes line

I KEEP getting -------------- CLOTHES LINE

,,,,,,,,,,,flutter,,,,,,,,,,,,,

SUNLIGHT 

in the 

dark 

corners

I'm trying to not not talk, but I'm having some trouble with the emotions today

I don't WANT to be 

all debbie downer but I'm very emotional 

it

HURTS

that I don't believe my mother loves me

it doesn't 

USUALLY 

hurt

late night

I've had a weird day 

& I'm not sure what I think about it 

I LOVE 

YOU though

❤️

worked on today

she's now

ACTIVELY 

pursuing information on 

SURGERY 

SO

I guess I did

make it 

CLEARER

middle of the night

ALSO

you look great

did I mention that 

I want to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

goodnight ❤️

self therapy sort of

I'm sad about my mom

on multiple 

LEVELS

&

it's DIFFICULT not to become OVERWHELMED 

thinking about 

STUFF 

I'm not going through that stuff 

AGAIN 

AM I gonna 

THROW 

her paintings 

AWAY

I don't WANT to get into that RIGHT NOW 

there are some varrying ideas

in the hopper 

I didn't go to work club today 

I guess 

I needed to process emotions

PROCESSING 

FEAR 

of uncertainty 

is not as 
HARD 

as

AVOIDING feeling that FEAR

THAT is ALWAYS 

FELT like

SOME

SORT

of

ONCOMING 

painful 

OBLITERATION 

I'm not sure I said all that

in the right configuration to make sense 

EVEN 

the WORST 

THINGS 

that are likely to happen to me 

aren't 

THAT bad

I ALSO

didn't used to have the

CONCEPT of 

the OVERWHELM

I KINDA just

PUSHED

I didn't acknowledge 

I'm still figuring it all out 

& I'm still not sure 

I'm totally 

FEELING 

my feelings 

& I want to be 

ALTHOUGH 

another part of me

thinks ALL of this is

JUST

DRAMA

because that is what

EVERYONE 

has said my whole life

& I internalized it 

BUT 

🌊

more thoughts

I am not in the water sisterhood 

I could not do it

TODAY

it is possible 

that today

was

entirely some alternate reality 

STUFF 

I do REALLY like 

the WORK CLUB -- even if there are THINGS that maybe could go BETTER 

I've been thinking all day

well I WATCHED a lot of BITS of VIDEOS 

I'm trying to pick a concealer 

it's weirdly like an obsession 

BUT 

as far as I can tell

I've decided 

I'm on to

something 

I have to

MANAGE the OVERWELM

& I have to 

KEEP 

moving forward 

REMEMBERING 

it's not a straight line

there's a WAY 

everything has to

TIGHTEN up 

BUT 

there's a WAY 

I HAVE to 

USE the FORCE

it's 

HARD

to

DESCRIBE 

I gotta sleep though 

I'm not gonna 

leave a bunch of emojis 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

🫶🫶🫶

you are a 

SUPER 

sight for sore eyes

❤️