late

my g*d

why do I not go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶 goodnight 

all apologies

if I am the most selfish person 

in the history of the world 

I LOVE and forgive myself 

if I have failed to 

make something of myself 

on my own

without help

& have

INSTEAD 

needed help

& then

failed to 

PROPERLY 

live up to the intended quid quo pro

SORRY not SORRY 

I have done my best

not to promise 

MORE

than I could deliver

& HISTORICALLY 

I have pushed myself to the point of self injury 

to live up to

not just what I promised 

BUT 

to fulfill 

EVERY EXPECTATION 

that I could 

DETECT

I apologize to myself for THAT 

would it OFFEND you if I said you were a good daughter?

I guess 

I've been having some problems 

my mother 

has moved into

FULL ON

trying to elicit attention from the

possibly I'm having 

OPEN HEART SURGERY 

& she was just casually mentioning to donna 

how I was staying at her apartment and taking care of her afterwards 

& I'm LIKE 

I CAN'T actually STAY at your place

there IS NO PLACE 

for me to STAY

NOT even STARTING on

YOU haven't ASKED me 

& I TOLD you 

I WASN'T gonna BE your CARETAKER 

& THIS GOES BACK

when SHE wasn't doing sh*t for her parents 

SHE SAID 

I do not expect you to take care of me

I will hire people to do that

you just have to

CHECK IN

to make SURE they aren't 

ABUSING me

SHE had bob go to all the facilities possible 

she gave all these reasons why she 

COULDN'T 

BUT 

she didn't take care of him

OR Shirley

& EVERY STEP 

of this journey 

I have SAID 

I WILL NOT be your CARE giver

I FIND caregiving 

STRESSFUL 

when it's someone mildly grateful and kind

BUT 

SHE barks orders

& is ABUSIVE 

PLUS 

I can barely take the groceries in

without becoming 

APOPLECTIC 

from the revolting rotting dishes

& rotting food in the fridge 

which I started out trying to deal with 

& ended in my telling her

I WOULD NOT 

I'm NOT LIVING there

WE HAD ALREADY discussed 

she would go to a nursing facility to recuperate 

& she was trying to 

SHAME FORCE me by telling SOMEONE else 

BLAH blah BLAH 

there is more STORY 

when we were at her primary 

WAITING 

she's LIKE 

did jason ever leave you alone

& I'm LIKE 

the point

wasn't that he was bugging me 

the POINT was

he was COMING AT me

in a WAY 

that was LIKE 

he EXPECTED me to DO SOMETHING 

BASED on 

you are this ROLE

& I EXPECT 

X,Y,Z behavior based on your BEING that ROLE

regardless of what our

ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP is 

THAT

was my problem with jason 

when I had told her

when I was telling her

there is something wrong with me

& if you want to help me 

HELP me

BUT 

I'm not gonna DO THAT for YOU 

we talked

& she said something I didn't mention before 

she's LIKE 

that's FINE 

if you CAN

SHE thinks I'm TOO NICE 

TOO ACCOMMODATING 

that I'll CAVE and take care of her

& I MIGHT have

taken care of her

IF she WAS 

the lovely

innocent old lady that she tries to pretend to be

BUT 

the only way I'm doing any of it

is it insurance WON'T pay for it

& THEN 

she better not 

EXPECT 

better care than my checking in on her

& LEAVING if she's ABUSIVE 

BUT 

I do FEEL 

SOME KINDA way 

about all that

& I've had to go back and forth

about how that is 

NOT 

bitter grievance 

this is a LONG STANDING agreement 

that she has had TIME to adjust to

UNLIKE 

various issues 

with her treatment of me

in the PAST

I will NOT put myself in a position 

where I'm HIGHLY likely to 

want to UNALIVE myself 

to make her

FEEL 

some kinda way

I LOVE me

& I guess if I'm her daughter

SHE shouldn't EXPECT me to have 

CAPACITIES

that she herself doesn't have 

PLUS 

she's had forty-five years to make other plans

thoughts

I LOVE you 

I went to work club 

I had thoughts

IDEAS

I don't seem to have 

SAID ANYTHING 

I don't think I can explain 

exactly where my

HEAD is AT

I hope everything is better than you imagined 

I have been thinking about 

what kissing you 

would FEEL like 

I'm gonna think about THAT going to sleep 

goodnight sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

sleep time

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

🫶

I FEEL so 

grateful for you 

right now

today

I'm listening to 

a book on

WRITING 

by the guy who wrote fight club

I'm enjoying it 

& GET THIS 

his main mentor writing teacher

he LIVED with him

in this derelect

house

the previous owner

had lined the walls with plastic 

kept it HUMID for the

ORCHIDS 

all the floorboards were

in varrying degrees

of ROT

I'm LIKE 

THAT is basically the house on 

PAPER street 

I took a BATH 

I was supposed to go to 

RESCHEDULED therapy 

BUT 

I got the news

EARLY ENOUGH to not have taken a shower YET 

& the rhythm of the day 

SEEMED

to be 

processing 

& information gathering 

what's the sun like where you are

goodnight sweetheart 💋 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶🫶🫶

more analysis

the coffee thing

she is always 

TELLING me 

HOW 

to micro-managingly DO things

she KNOWS it BUGS me

& normally, historically 

it would get

a RISE out of ME 

DO YOU 

typically tell people that they don't 

NEED to HURRY 

when there hasn't been 

ANY CONTEXT

SAYING YES

I had planned to do that

isn't the

WRONG thing to SAY

I had NO IDEA that there was ANY RUSH

isn't the WRONG thing to SAY

if there WAS no rush

you'd think 

something LIKE 

yeah, no there's not

NOT 

HOW do I KNOW 

I'm not your 

MIND READER 

SEEMS slightly UNHINGED 

I'm AWARE 

again

AGREEING with you 

SO

I MEAN 

at FACE VALUE 

DOES this conversation MAKE SENSE 

NOW

I'm gonna admit

AFTER all THAT

I sat there 

and WROTE 

that post

WHILE I drank the

COFFEE 

& THAT

WAS MAYBE 

a little BIT of a dominance 

FLEX

long ramble-y thoughts

I just find her

SO 

irritating 

I DO remind myself 

that she is

BROKEN 

BUT 

I just find the

attempts

at getting me to 

BEHAVE in a certain way 

by prodding me a certain way 

AND THEN 

I say

are you SURE you are not behaving 

SOME KINDA way 

& I'm LIKE 

I ABSOLUTELY AM behaving SOME kinda WAY

I'm following 

to the BEST of my

ABILITY 

that CHASE guy

HOW 

to MAINTAIN 

I'm NOT reacting to ANYTHING 

I'm LETTING there

BE SILENCE 

I used to

TALK to ENTERTAIN her

BUT 

it EXHAUSTED me

& SHE 

made it

CLEAR 

I WASN'T 

entertaining 

for years

SO

I talk if I have something to say 

BUT 

often I don't really 

if she talks to ME I always answer 

I'm --

however I AM --

EXCEPT 

as much as possible 

MAINTAINING 

when she

irritates me 

I'm not trying to be an as*h*le

BUT 

I'm 

NOT 

treating her like I would 

USUALLY in the

PAST

ANY

of the WAYS from the PAST

I WAS KINDA trying to FOLLOW the EXAMPLE of

HOW SHE treated ME

THAT got PROBLEMATICAL

because it FOCUSED me

in a WAY I thought 

REINFORCED 

some of my

PROBLEMS 

SO

I'm just 

KINDA

over

a LOT of the behavior that she may or may not be AWARE of

I'm trying to be

"normal"

OR

SUPER 

but it is possible that I'm only doing 

BETTER 

BUT 

for SURE 

I'm doing better 

I don't UNDERSTAND the question 

WHY

in the world would I be

OFFENDED

to be called a good daughter 

BUT 

WHEN

did she care about offending me

it SEEMS like

a trick question 

LIKE 

EVERYTHING offends ME

would it be

OK

miss HIGH and mighty

can you TAKE a COMPLIMENT 

it doesn't make SENSE and I'm not looking to

CONTRIBUTE to whatever 

AND THEN I'm LIKE 

are you just being 

MEAN

and grievance-y

YOU 

started over with her

ALL this STUFF 

is CURRENT 

STUFF 

I MEAN not 💯 because 

TRIGGERs

BUT 

I'm not looking for vengeance 

I'm looking for 

CLOSURE 

today

I don't like how this dried

it was much more vibrant 

not sure what to do next

this is what I worked on today 

we'll see how it dries

she's trying to fight, I think, who can say, geez

you can take your time with that coffee

I'm not in any rush

thank you

I had planned to 

it never occurred to me that we were in any hurry

I don't know what might or might not have

OCCURRED to you

I'm not your mind reader 

I have noticed that

will I EVER 

IN the LIFE

be able to say the right thing to you

I don't understand that question 

almost forgot the title that time (this is from earlier, I decided I needed an edit but it's not worth reading again)

good morning sweetheart 

I am with c*nty again today 

BUT 

studio instead of

DOCTOR 

I will say

the mouth noises approach is helpful 

BUT 

she doesn't make any sense 

I hope you are having 

ADVENTURES 

I hope you are 

ENJOYING 

your interactions with 

your travel 

COMPANION 

close proximity to other humans can be

a rollercoaster 

I'm having to

accept all these negative emotions 

as being how I really feel 

& I'm not really 

LIKING it 

I looked up

WHY does my mother 

DISGUST me 

& it VERY helpfully listed OUT 

LIKE a whole list of things 

ALL of which applied

SO

I guess it does make SENSE but the thing is

I don't WANT to be all

SOAKING in 

my negative thoughts about her

I just want to get away from her

& I'm thinking that

this need to be

AWAY from 

my family of origin 

it's not 

GREAT

BUT 

I'm not sure the level of detachment necessary to not be disturbed by it would be good either 

I JUST 

KEEP thinking 

HOW do I FIX 

ME

where I can just

DEAL with it 

without 

having to work myself all up to

I DON'T CARE

because EVEN if I HATE her

which I'm NOT saying I do

I STILL 

CARE about her

SOMEHOW 

I just don't want to SEE her or HEAR her

OR 

WHATEVER 

it's a WHOLE process 

BUT 

I'm uncertain 

WHAT

I'm AIMING 

FOR 

I heard season of the witch and now I can't get it outta my head

I'm not TALK-Y but I'm 

THINKING about you 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

strange

would it OFFEND you

if I CALLED you

a good 

daughter 

she ASKED me 

I don't understand your question 

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

goodnight 🫶🫶🫶

thoughts on some emotions

I'm not sure 

that is

ONE

is

FEELING anxiety

the thing to do

is ASK 

yourself 

WHY

THAT 

is what I would typically do 

WHY are you ANXIOUS 

talk myself down 

BUT 

I'm doing all this nervous system rebooting 

I think I have got to EXPECT 

SOME 

free floating emotions in the system 

& F*CK

there's plenty to be anxious about in the world 

SO

if ya START 

LISTING 

that just feeds in EXTRA stuff that wasn't even IT

ya KNOW 

MAYBE 

JUST 

FEEL it

without having to 

ATTRIBUTE 

second rule of work club

therapy cancelled 

I'm having some pretty intense 

ANXIETY 

BUT 

I have NOW 

MADE it

to WORK 

CLUB 

SO

PROBABLY 

I'll CALM the f*CK DOWN 

I hope you are having a beautiful day 🫶 🫶 🫶 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

hopefully therapy tomorrow

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart

🫶🫶🫶

🔥

coffee

I had

a LOT of 

DREAMS 

and we were interacting 

at least MARGINALLY in a BUNCH of em I think 

BUT 

the ONE I REMEMBER 

WAS 

you were sitting down

with your legs

EXTENDED

straight in front of you

with a cup of 

COFFEE 

resting on you

THIGH

& I was resting my head in your lap

& I took a SIP of the COFFEE 

LIKE that was NO problem 

WE were JUST 

SO RELAXED 

& COMFORTABLE 

BUT 

DEEPLY 

physically 

INTIMATE 

& I keep 

THINKING about that DREAM 

I hope you have a beautiful day sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much 🫶 🫶 🫶 

goodnight sweetheart

I'm going to sleep 

I hope

the

MAGIC 

has been with you 

&

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

❤️

small things

I had another victory 

I THINK 

BUT 

I forgot to mention it 

I had TWO boxes

in my car

that I was gonna take

to goodwill 

it was 

STUFF 

but it was stuff that I had some trouble with 

I KNEW if I looked at it AGAIN 

I'd probably 

CARRY 

it back inside 

I couldn't 

DEAL

with going to goodwill 

& I couldn't 

deal with driving 

with those boxes in the front seat

I didn't want to carry them 

BACK in 

I drove them down to the dumpster 

& THREW 

them 

AWAY 

I had a long dream

I DREAMED 

about 

& I think it's possible that 

I DREAMED 

about this last night 

TOO

BUT 

for sure it was

the WHOLE night

on a LONG 

SLEEP 

the COLOR powders

that you apply to your face

LIKE makeup

BUT 

to ENHANCE 

MOOD

& HAPPINESS 

there was ALSO a LOT of adjacent bits

about dressing up 

& the physical boundaries 

between areas

& stuff

LIKE 

there was one part

where I was

WAITING 

because they were

REBUILDING 

a GATE or SOMETHING 

possibly something to do with trans-ness

there was SOMETHING 

where a group of us

we're sitting 

on some stairs

& we're

MOVED

in SOME kind of circular

DOWN around and BACK

BUT 

NOW we had

CHANGED

something about the WAY we

LOOKED

to ENHANCE 

SOMETHING 

I just can't remember 

WHAT

EXACTLY 

I hope you are having a beautiful day sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

up late

I had a LOT of ANXIETY today 

I took double l-theanine

& it didn't help at all

I had a BUNCH of DREAMS 

LIKE 

MAYBE 

I was watching you

run around 

as a cartoon 

CHARACTER 

MAYBE something else too

I've had WEIRD music in my HEAD 

from HAIR

three FIVE zero ZERO 

~prisioners of Ntown it's a dirty little war~

I'm off FREQUENCY 

BUT 

it SEEMED like 

I got something out of it

WORKED through 

BUT 

I need to go to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋

👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥🫶🫶🫶

there are a lot of things that I would have done differently, if I had been saner when I did them

I FEEL like 

I'm making a LOT of progress 

BECAUSE 

I keep feeling like 

I'm changing into a 

NEW PERSON 

again and again 

is that RIGHT 

I went through a 

WHOLE 

THING 

today 

it

did

NOT 

ALL feel like progress 

a LOT of it FELT like just BARELY managing overwhelm

& I watched a video about Jung's view on

this KINDA reaching BURNOUT as an EMPATH

DISCOVERING 

the shadow 

in a 

potent

WAY

&

TRANSFORMING 

STOP

OVER identifying with the ARCHETYPE 

FIND your TRUE self

busy day

POSSIBLY 

I was WRONG 

about WANTING to FEEL my feelings 

I didn't enjoy it

BUT 

I drove my car

to phonecia (I'm CONFIDENT I spelled that wrong)

BOUGHT big bags of lentils 

AND

went to 

WORK CLUB

BUT 

it was KINDA 

a rough day

I shoulda BEEN SLEEP

goodnight sweetheart 

I LOVE you VERY much

❤️

side effects

and ya KNOW 

I've been 

DOING 

that

TAPPING thing

& there's this

weird SENSATION 

it's a little 

UNsettling because it's INSIDE my chest

it's just like this

SLIP

LIKE 

it didn't 

QUITE manage

the SYNCHRONIZED 

& it's trying to 

SLIP

back in LINE without 

being NOTICED 

clothes line

I KEEP getting -------------- CLOTHES LINE

,,,,,,,,,,,flutter,,,,,,,,,,,,,

SUNLIGHT 

in the 

dark 

corners

I'm trying to not not talk, but I'm having some trouble with the emotions today

I don't WANT to be 

all debbie downer but I'm very emotional 

it

HURTS

that I don't believe my mother loves me

it doesn't 

USUALLY 

hurt

late night

I've had a weird day 

& I'm not sure what I think about it 

I LOVE 

YOU though

❤️

worked on today

she's now

ACTIVELY 

pursuing information on 

SURGERY 

SO

I guess I did

make it 

CLEARER

middle of the night

ALSO

you look great

did I mention that 

I want to sleep 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 💋 

🫶🫶🫶👾🫚🍀☁️☕🔥

goodnight ❤️

self therapy sort of

I'm sad about my mom

on multiple 

LEVELS

&

it's DIFFICULT not to become OVERWHELMED 

thinking about 

STUFF 

I'm not going through that stuff 

AGAIN 

AM I gonna 

THROW 

her paintings 

AWAY

I don't WANT to get into that RIGHT NOW 

there are some varrying ideas

in the hopper 

I didn't go to work club today 

I guess 

I needed to process emotions

PROCESSING 

FEAR 

of uncertainty 

is not as 
HARD 

as

AVOIDING feeling that FEAR

THAT is ALWAYS 

FELT like

SOME

SORT

of

ONCOMING 

painful 

OBLITERATION 

I'm not sure I said all that

in the right configuration to make sense 

EVEN 

the WORST 

THINGS 

that are likely to happen to me 

aren't 

THAT bad

I ALSO

didn't used to have the

CONCEPT of 

the OVERWHELM

I KINDA just

PUSHED

I didn't acknowledge 

I'm still figuring it all out 

& I'm still not sure 

I'm totally 

FEELING 

my feelings 

& I want to be 

ALTHOUGH 

another part of me

thinks ALL of this is

JUST

DRAMA

because that is what

EVERYONE 

has said my whole life

& I internalized it 

BUT 

🌊

more thoughts

I am not in the water sisterhood 

I could not do it

TODAY

it is possible 

that today

was

entirely some alternate reality 

STUFF 

I do REALLY like 

the WORK CLUB -- even if there are THINGS that maybe could go BETTER 

I've been thinking all day

well I WATCHED a lot of BITS of VIDEOS 

I'm trying to pick a concealer 

it's weirdly like an obsession 

BUT 

as far as I can tell

I've decided 

I'm on to

something 

I have to

MANAGE the OVERWELM

& I have to 

KEEP 

moving forward 

REMEMBERING 

it's not a straight line

there's a WAY 

everything has to

TIGHTEN up 

BUT 

there's a WAY 

I HAVE to 

USE the FORCE

it's 

HARD

to

DESCRIBE 

I gotta sleep though 

I'm not gonna 

leave a bunch of emojis 

I LOVE you VERY much sweetheart 🫶 🫶 🫶 

🫶🫶🫶

you are a 

SUPER 

sight for sore eyes

❤️