🥐

❤️

I'm depressed, not sure how chatty I'm gonna be

I bought a backpack

I saw this guy's stuff at a shop called

Made Here

They didn't have what I wanted

but

I knew this was the guy

so I checked out his website

he had some one offs

I figured out which

was the size and config

and ordered a one off

still very expensive

but

ADVENTURE

🌧️☕

well, possibly you do not

I know you have a lot going on

maybe

when you have a chance

try to see my point of view

unless you're just bored with me

and my ungrateful reaction to the

honor of being your 

least memorable groupie

I'm going to try to write some more

on the HIPSTER RAINCOAT story

I thought it went without saying

but I should probably learn that nothing

nothing goes without saying

for me

to anyone

SHIT

YOU SEE MY DILEMMA, RIGHT?!

I'm assuming shut up

SO

Shutting Up

But not because I don't have more feels

there could be more

OR

I could shut up

now

if I'm supposed to be there

to be the perfect audience

and I think we all know that that is the reason

if you don't look at me

THEN WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE 

I've spent the last twenty years telling you about myself which maybe I should have mentioned and maybe I haven't

you know more about me

than anyone else in the world

or, indeed

than anyone who has ever lived in this world

I get that I'm weird

different

motivated by different things

but

I feel like you understood that the stakes

we're pretty high for me

and from my perspective

it looks like you said

what was that thing that really hurt you last time

I didn't look at you, cool, let's double down

I won't look at you

AND

I will not even in fact recognize you

AND

when you ask

I will say exactly what I would say

to someone I didn't recognize

This would make sense

if what you wanted was for me to say

Oh well, guess I'm crazy after all

OR if you're fucking Valmont

OR if I'm some crazy chick you're trying to shake

BUT I don't believe that

I'm having problems

I don't feel that safe taking about

I don't know what to do 

shifting through the realities

AND

the timelines

so fast now

I'm slightly queesy

I'm not even sure what happened

EVER

&

IF I WAS SURE

what I would NOT be sure about

is what connection, if any, that had to

THIS, ME HERE NOW

AND

I kinda low key want to punch you in the face

my brain

MIGHT

actually explode

I gotta say

one thing I really enjoy about

not having my carcass quite so stuffed with fat

the increased LUNG CAPACITY 

OK

I'm slightly high

in case this sounds wack later

BUT

I think maybe these are oracle cards

I feel kind of like the Sybil

bringing them forth

GODDAMMIT

SOMETIMES FUNNY IS

NOT

go on tell him

OK

she was all whoowhoo Sybiiilll

AND

I said

WELL THAT'S ON BRAND

I'm sorry

I'm writing this

AND

I can't remember why

SROLL BACK STUPID

WOW, maybe I'm higher than I thought

that wasn't even that far back

WOW

SORRY

Whole Joe Frank -- too long didn't type

I was going to put more layers on the red one

make it deeper

AND

I was going to put some darks in the yellow

make it deeper too

BUT

if I do those things

I will lose a freshness

an immediacy 

that I really like

paint soaked

&

not quite so soaked

paper towel

is that texture

I was looking at these again, and I'm not certain that they all aren't finished-- they seem like I don't want to change them

these are the ones I worked on today

THIS one above was mostly what I worked on and I think it's close to being finished

only this bottom one is on aluminum 

Mom's birthday today

probably not going to be able to write

maybe tonight

painting though

YES

I don't know if you can tell

but three of those paintings

are on aluminum panels

I have been interested in aluminum panels for a while now

but this is my first experience with them

they are different

I like the reflective quality

but the paint goes on different

dried different

the alcohol stays wet longer

I like the micaceous (sp?) iron oxide looks

on aluminum 

HIPSTER RAINCOAT continued

Since the planning of the actual trips involves my entanglements with other humans, commitments for work and family and friendships. I don't want to get into that here, but I feel I can safely talk about my packing.  I just wanted to have one carry-on.  My purse is basically a tiny little wallet thing on a string, so I took a backpack and my purse could fit into it.  The whole shebang I was pretty sure would fit under the seat.  I took a pair of leggings and a shirt to sleep in, but if it was unexpectedly colder I could press those things into service for just regular clothes layering.  I wore Universal Standard next-to-naked leggings and jacket which is more of that sporty outerwear stuff.  They match and they're in the color nutmeg which is a taupe-y color that I really like.  With that, I wore an Eileen Fisher hemp melange dress in iris.  This stuff is all a little bit big for me at this point but still wearable.  I traveled in that on Thursday.  I wore it on Friday.  I traveled back in it on Saturday.  I also took a universal standard dress in black cherry that I could wear if it got a little colder and I wanted an extra layer.  I did end up using that.  I also took my Durham bulls hoodie in case it was extra cold.  I didn't end up wearing that out but I did end up using it in my hotel room because it was cold as f***.  Apparently the heater will not turn on unless it is below 55° but 55° is cold to me because I just came from a place that was 100° for 3 months straight.  So although I would probably not take that again, I did use it.  I took an extra bra and some extra underwear.

This was a pretty stark departure from my previous packing.  Typically I think more along the lines of what will I want to wear, what might I want to look like?  This was more like yeah, if you were at home you might wear the same thing for three days. You don't need three separate outfits.  Just come up with something that you could wear no matter what you do that you would feel like you looked good enough in and that's it. You got it.

I decided to shave my armpits.  Which I have not done for a very long time.  They were so irritated by the experience that I couldn't wear deodorant.  Well it's going to be cool anyway. Who needs deodorant?  I feel like that somehow became optional during the pandemic when I didn't wear it for years and then was like well maybe if I stink people will stay further away from me so that's a good thing.  I have started wearing it again this last year, but whatever, you know.  I found a chaparral ointment that's basically olive oil and beeswax that I could use to remove makeup.  I wanted everything to be kind of multitasking.  So it can remove makeup but it doesn't have anything in it that you have to wash off so if I got a cut or scrape or a bug bite or had extra dry skin or something I could use it for that as well. I wouldn't have to wash it off.  And it's in a pretty small container.  I have an algae extract that I use for my face and body moisturizer or remineralization really.  It's in too big of a bottle but I found a little sample size. Dropper bottle and repurposed that.  I have a facial moisturizer that's made with coconut oil, avocado oil, and tallow that I actually buy from someone in Eugene.  It's got red clover in it so it's actually also a hormonal balancer.  I had a little tiny toothpaste sample and a little tiny makeup sample and a little tiny concealer sample and a regular size toothbrush.  I had two disposable fountain pens that also went in that quart size Ziploc bag because they contain liquid.  My quart size bag was not even really half full.  Excellent!  

I decided on one pair of shoes that I could wear.  Normally I almost always take an extra pair of shoes, but these shoes have proven to be pretty solid.  They are also from eBay. Thrifted.  Now this even with the extra thick hoodie was only about half full backpack.  However,  I had to take food.  Part of the dieting is having some control over what you're eating.  And I've been doing a modified version of the fasting mimicking diet.  By modified I mean I'm not paying for the prolon kit which is just too much money for me, what I'm doing instead is as close as possible trying to get the appropriate number of calories and proportions of macros.  And when I went to Fort Worth I did the fasting mimicking diet while i was there or my modified version, and I found that a lot easier than having to acquire food to be honest.  But I figured there was going to be food in Portland I was going to want to eat.  So I needed food that I wouldn't be dependent on what I could find but I didn't really know how much food i needed because I didn't know what I would find.  So I took baru nuts and golden berries dried and wahoo jerky and orkney beremeal oatcakes.  Oh and clorella and wheatgrass tablets-- which I consider food not supplements.  And then some other supplements that I won't go all into.  And after I did that it was mostly a full backpack. There was still extra room but not a lot.

I'm pretty pleased with this configuration.  I did not need as many nuts and berries as I took.  I took three fish jerkies and I ate two of them.  I took two packets of seven each of the oat cakes and I ate, I think, a couple more than the one package-- so that was about right.  I could have gotten by with less of the nuts and berries but if I hadn't found any food I wanted to eat I think I would have needed them so I think I still would have adjusted them down a little.  I want a lighter backpack.  This is one that I've had for a very long time and I like the size and shape of it. But as I was hefting it on to my shoulder again and again I could feel elbow strain.

HIPSTER RAINCOAT (in progress)

This was a year-- full stop.  The raincoat/ windbreaker was emblematic of the ethos.  Well that sounds dramatic, let me back up.  The pandemic messed me up.  My respiratory system has never met a virus it didn't want to make friends with.  I have underlying factors.  I was afraid.  And now, even though I'm vaccinated and boostered, I have not resumed whole swaths of my previous life.

I did recognize the big life reset button though, and this year has been about that to a large degree.

The jacket was a really early base level move.  Instead of buying a coat or a heavier jacket, I acknowledge that I live someplace where it doesn't get that cold.  If you can block the cold wind humidity and rain, that covers 90% of what you need a coat here for.  I've never liked windbreakers or hoodies or any of that light outerwear sporty whatever.  Also, I was on a slow weight loss journey and I didn't want to spend much on anything-- so the jacket was thrifted on eBay for I don't remember how much.  I looked it up-- $12.  It was a Macy's brand and that felt comfortable because I used to buy most of my clothes from Macy's back in the 90s.  It is a metallic gunmetal and a thin papery fabric.  I don't think it's amazingly attractive, but I think it's not ugly and is highly utilitarian.  I've been super pleased with it.  I like the color and metallics are pretty neutral now, it seems to me.  All this is to say it was never designed to be any sort of fashion statement, it was designed to be a normal non -attention grabbing article of clothing, but I do get a pretty fair number of compliments on it.

So when I went on my return to the world trips:  a driving trip to Fort Worth to see Robert Motherwell and a plane trip to Portland, Oregon the raincoat/ windbreaker made the cut to the rainy place.  Everybody that I told about this trip ask me why I picked Portland Oregon. I'm going to tell you what I told them.  I really like Seattle but I've been to Seattle a few times.  I flew into Portland years ago to go to Eugene, Oregon and I saw just enough of it to make me think I wanted to see more.  I had developed a real aversion to flying which had already started pre-pandemic due to the unpleasantness of flying as a fat person, but had reached an anxious crescendo with COVID.  It's really about getting over my fear, I told them.

I have other motivations, only some of which I am prepared to disclose.  The driving to Fort Worth from Houston was hard.  I did not enjoy it.  The old love of road trips, not back.  The plane was hard.  I did not enjoy it.  I did fit in the seat however and that was awesome.  The planning by which I mean both the planning of the actual trips and the planning for the packing is the kind of thing that I think I do differently than most people.

(continuing in next post)

Works in Progress

OK

The weirdest thing

My neck was looking a little saggy

and it had been tighter

My necklace is much longer than I want it

I had to know

SO

I measured

I've lost another inch

in

my

NECK

I'm writing something

NOT a children's story

a short story

OR

maybe a stand up

not sure

it's probably not called

HIPSTER RAINCOAT

that's the working title

but it might be

it's about

getting older

& getting younger

AND

(this may not end up being actually in it)

BUT

my pride at being mistaken for French

in Freiburg instead of American 

my weird brain process

AND

it may include the phrase

owning the look

NOT about you or us or anything

not sure if it's mostly description or

mostly theory

OR 

Whatever

I think the order I talk about things

might determine how funny it is

AND 

I'm not certain of the order yet

SO

I don't want to write it down yet

It is in progress 

my mother

will be 80 next week

and I'm never sure how to take it

when stuff like this happens

I was telling her

guess what

I've lost more weight

I had told her when I'd lost 82 pounds

but now it's 95

and I was like guess how much I've lost now

but

I guess she thought I was asking her to guess how much I weigh

which I wasn't

but

we have had a bunch of conversations

by which I mean I have to talk

and she doesn't listen

about the provisional goal

and the 23 year old weight

And she busts out with 170 pounds

Now SHE is 154 (self reported) pounds

so she's saying like twenty pounds more than her?

That doesn't sound possible

But I did say I'm wearing a 14/16

so maybe that's the weight

she associates that size with

(But, if she's hoping to fit into her 12 jeans

then she is currently a 12/14

but I guess it's complimentary

except for the not listening

(or senility)

And I'm like no

you know my goal weight was a lot higher

AND

she's like, well how much do you weigh

I weigh 240 I say

WOW, she says

YOU ARE REALLY PACKING IT IN THERE!

(I did not say)

DO NOT SAY SHIT LIKE THAT TO ME (EVER)

IDK why, but it really set me off

IDK if it was the many many many times

I have talked about the muscle

how to allow for the freakish muscle

and how she either never listens to any of it

OR

if she is losing it 

Why can't she be like

EVERYONE ELSE

and say some generic

AWESOME

or something 

So I'm 20 pounds from my provisional goal

(is that the word I want?)

AND

I can see already

(technically THIS is also a 23 yr old weight)

I'm not going to be the weight I want

in 20 pounds

I am pleased that my shoulders

and upper arms

are not excessively bulked

I feel like my neck

though still not long

doesn't have that stacked look

and my shoulders, though unfortunately

slightly rounded forward

are downright BONE CENTRIC

SO SO HAPPY about that

I'm still a little scared at what my abs

might someday look like

BUT

I have come to terms with the fact

I might not lose the meno belly

UNTIL THE LAST

SO WHATEVER on the abs

I think my ass will be okay

and I suspect my legs will be

less than I hope for

I am not going to do that surgery

where they insert bone into your femurs

about 3"

in each thigh

would fix my proportions right up

I think

I know I have a bunch of muscle in my back

but so much back fat

dear God

I must be tasty

I think I have those weird side muscles

there's still fat

so I can't be sure

but

I'm pretty sure

ALSO

my rib cage feels wrong to me

I don't think I'm like full on deformed or anything

I feel like I must be within parameters

but it feels too wide

and squished

but maybe

my roundness expectations are fantastical

still no collar bones

do I even want to know why the men's (public) bathroom looks like this (at my job)

_41.4. 41"

THIS

idea

Art Retreat Center

open to the world and the world will open to you

Maybe someone did want to buy something

Or

Maybe they want to take lessons

I'm not clear

Lucy said her student really liked the "LiMiNaL" piece

AND then

emphasized that she liked it

that she wants to create painterly collage

that she's in Lucy's Oil painting class but doesn't paint with oils

I'm not entirely certain

I EMPHASIZED

I've taught a lot

just not art

I would love to teach art

Lucy said she will think about teaching options for me

SO

idk

BUT INTERESTING 

so

I was thinking the other day

what about this art stuff

I LOVE making it

I don't so much the interactions with people

about it

Gallery Scene

dealing with people who can afford that

Selling myself generally

NOT enjoying

and I actually thought

you know

children's books might be just your speed

up your metier

you like to do the writing all condensed and meta

Eric Carle's dead

what the hell

And you know what

the damnedest thing

at the open studio

this woman was being really irritating

and I get it

you gotta break it down

understand what you're looking at

but, as the dicestee...

oh so it's really just collage

except

that everything I'm collaging on

is also paper I painted

OH... didn't Eric Carle do something like that 

I didn't need to worry

No one wanted to buy anything

❤️

finished grid -- LiMiNaL SpAcEs

Left to Right

First Row

Earl, Donna, Cynthia, Ruhee, me, Sonny (improperly attributed to Heather previously)

Second Row

Mom, Helene, Justin, Alan, Bob, Heather

Third Row

Blank (Riaz missing), Stephanie, Melinda, They, Lucy