I didn't fall asleep in the chair I've just been kind of aimlessly watching videos and looking things up and revisiting videos that I've seen before actually but haven't watched for a while

But I couldn't even tell you what exactly I did I just been in kind of daze

It's been kind of a hard week

I hope you're doing well

I thought about my father today

I was driving home from work and there's this company called last Chance textiles and they make bandanas I really want one although I'm not 100% sure why because I never wear bandanas but I really want one

And I keep looking at him going oh well I want that one no I want that one no I want that one no I don't want that one and I just can't decide

and so I decided that what I wanted was one that was out of stock well that's convenient cuz I can't buy it which is good because then I can't spend money and I was looking to see if they have any kind of like Black Friday special because they said hey it's small business Saturday so I guess that wouldn't be a Black Friday special that would be a small business Saturday whatever that was looking to see if they had specials

and the woman who runs it she's just like yeah if you want to discount you should sign up for my newsletter and you then we'll also get to know about new sales and stuff and you get a 15% discount which is not a big discount right

But I thought it was kind of Ball z then I'd already signed up for her newsletter I have the coupon code and so I went in there and the one that I want is silk noil which is kind of nuby in the acorn color which is hand-dyed with acorns just cool and then it's got this like crewel embroidery now it's not crewel embroidery it's some kind of machine embroidery on some of the flowers

So I got my 15% discount and then she charges me for shipping which I thought was pretty and reasonable considering this bandana it's like 70 bucks and I'm like you should not buy this it's too much money I'm like no no no I really want this this is what I'm getting myself for Christmas or whatever so I'm like fine and I order it

but then I'm driving home and I start thinking about embroidery and my father could embroidery he have this sweater it hadn't brought her these flowers on the pockets and it was all kind of like wild and it was just it was really cool now my mother she thought she could embroidery if you had like a hole in your shirt or something she didn't broderie a flower over it but it was really ugly it was just these big loose flowers that were not filled in it was just literally the very least amount of work you could do and get something it would have been better to just like stitch over it with a plain stitch to cover up the hole but she did some weird thing with ugly open flowers so it was making me think about that and about my father's embroidery and I don't know how many men embroidery where did he learn to embroidery

And I just kind of missed him

Which I'm pretty much never do

So anyway there's that

And I'm just been going to sleep so early and getting all this sleep and I'm just not any less tired and I just didn't want to go to bed early tonight even though I probably should have

But I'm still having these crazy-ass dreams that I can't remember but I do remember that I had a dog in one of them and it was not the same dog that I had had another one of them so I must have had a dream in another one of them with a dog or else it was just in that dream that I had had another dream with the dog I don't know it's kind of complicated

Anyway goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I know it's early

but I'm going to bed

I have to be there really early in the morning

also I have to set up a bunch of really heavy wine displays so I need energy because I'm dreading it already

I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight

I fell asleep in the chair

I love you very much

My eye is still sore and it's kind of red but there's no sign swelling or infection and it's more like pink than red

I took some of those honest wipes with me to work and some of the creosote balm and several times during the day I cleaned it and reapplied cuz it's really dusty and dirty in there and I didn't want I didn't want to get dirt in it

I think it's okay it's not bruising it seems generally to be healing and you can't really see the cut it's just red the skin is red and irritated there which seems appropriate

And I wanted to write you something but I just don't have anything positive you know

I've been having these dreams like really involved really dense dreams and I feel like I'm working through some important stuff or I'm being given some really important information or you know that their significant in some way but by the time I wake up I'm just so distant from it that I can't remember anymore

But even though I'm sleeping longer it's like I'm working while I'm sleeping or something and I have these kind of like lucid moments in the dream where or I get up to pee or something but essentially I'm not awake and I get these moments where I think I've got to remember to tell him about this it's so so interesting and important but then I just it's gone and I can't

so I'm sorry about that I'd like to be able to tell you about these dreams but I can't remember them kind of frustrating

But anyway I'm going to bed now and I hope that you have a really good Thanksgiving with your family

I love you very much goodnight sweetheart

I'm not doing so great

I'm having hormones

and

what may be seasonal

or not

not sure

depression

and I have this feeling

that I'm not in control

I'm not sure what I might do

plus

my eye hurts

I love you sweetheart

gotta go to bed

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

i think
as soon as things calm down a little
i'm going to make some bagels
i've never been all that successful with bread
but my problem has been getting it to rise enough
and bagels are dense and chewy

the grocery has pretty inadequate bagels
and
i think i can make em healthier too

i'm thinking teff flour
and some other flour {undecided}
and vital wheat gluten

i gotta go to bed
i gotta get up early
and
i'm not feeling well
i think that pain i was feeling the other day
might have been a little pre-cramping
and
i can't take off at all now
so i gotta do what i can to preserve myself
physically, ya know
if the hormone madness hits

i pushed the exfoliation too far
and i've got some spots again
but
i think they might be the last of them
maybe it'll all be clear now
or maybe not
but i can dream, right

and speaking of which
so many crazy dreams last night
but then i couldn't remember them

i love you sweetheart
goodnight

I just felt you a few minutes ago

you twisted up through me

like a corkscrew

but

in a good way

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I think I'm feeling you again

maybe

or

maybe something else is going on

inside

or maybe it's both

definitely a little bit of pain

though

how you doin

how are you so adorable?

so
i gotta go to bed 30 minutes ago
i can't talk
but
i thought you might find this interesting

i got so excited about the colder weather
that i ordered a coat
see
the green one
https://www.qvc.com/LOGO-Lavish-by-Lori-Goldstein-Coat-with-Plaid-Panels-%26-Mesh-Appliques.product.A370297.html?sc=SRCH

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

Hey

what's up?

I swear I felt you a few minutes ago

i went to dinner with my mom
i wish she was a more reliable narrator
she's going to this new doctor [cardiologist]
he's supposedly monitoring her
she has gone in every week for a month

he has taken her off cumadin
but
according to her
none of the blood work he has taken
has come back from the lab
which didn't go to a local lab
but went somewhere by fed-ex

so, how, i ask
if he's not getting blood work numbers
is he monitoring you
is he taking vitals
what is he doing in the weekly visits
not really
idk
she says

but he's great
she loves him
and he's black
she's very very uncomfortable with black people

she looks good
her color is GREAT
like she has circulation
and she seemed more energetic

so
i'm holding out hope

when i asked her what she's eating
she just mumbles salad


i love you very much sweetheart
i hope you are having a good night

this is less of a thing than a ramble

today i slept until noon-thirty
this is gettin to be a thing on off days
i brushed my teeth
then
i skipped the shower and quested coffee
which i drank with eggnog in it
i'm kinda missing the soy
but i was trying to get into the holiday spirit
plus
we're gonna find out if dairy is behind my improved skin
at least in part
it's been better
and i'm sure part is product

well
i have had the eggnog for several days
and i had cheese for dinner (with fruit and bread) last night
and i have a huge cystic thing on my chin
so
dairy may be a thing
or
i may be about to have a period
i haven't been keeping track like i was
like i planned to
so, i'm not sure
but i think i've had four this year
i always get a big cystic thing on my chin or my cheek, always
and
i rarely get them any other time
and this is huge
but it doesn't hurt
and it isn't red
so
idk

i checked my bank balance on the phone
and i only had $7. in the account
i think all the auto withdrawls have come out
but i usually like to keep a $50. buffer
and i can't remember when the bank fee comes out
i'm pretty sure it's the beginning of the month
but inexplicably i couldn't find my statement

so
i did something i never do
i didn't shower
i just got dressed
and went to the bank
i have some money i keep for road trips
because it makes me think i'm gonna be able to afford to do them
which makes me less depressed
plus, like, emergencies and stuff, ya know

i stopped in whole foods, which is right next door to the bank
i'm going to a new branch down on voss
the one by my apartment just closed down
voss isn't far
but i feel like it's an enormous inconvenience

i spent, at whole foods $5.98
which has got to be a sign of the apocalypse
i wanted sunflower sprouts
they only had one package $2.99
i wanted organic soy milk $2.99

i used to couldn't get out of there for less than $60.
now there's just nothing that looks appealing or fun
it's just a sad sad place now

i stopped at HEB on the way home
i stopped at the station where they are sampling sushi rolls
they are almost always sampling
but i mostly don't stop
because i think it's somehow rude
if you know you aren't going to buy it
but today
i hadn't eaten and i was looking at the sushi rolls
crunchy california rolls
and they were on wednesday special $7
reminded me of the convenience store woman
they were good
i got a pacage
they were like regular california rolls, but
with those really crunchy bits they put on sushi rolls
and drizzled with sriracha mayo

i bought witch hazel even though i'm not out because HEB is the cheapest
i almost bought some at CVS the other day
i had a 32% off coupon
but i'm like naw
i think HEB is still cheaper
and it is
i used to always get cotton rounds there too
but now i've started getting them from the grove collective
becuase they are about the same price but they are organic cotton
and they kinda remind me of the shisheido cotton pads
but round
i've also started getting these, which i really like
i got them as a free gift with my grove order
and they smell good and feel good and take makeup off pretty good
and it's got all those nice root extracts
i've never liked makeup wipes-- i use these
but they don't really take makeup off
they just clean off the stuff you use to take the makeup off

i also got this to celebrate having clear enough skin
to get by with a non-coverage foundation
also
i had a tinted primer that i liked
although i kinda decided it was maybe too dark
or oxidizing or something
and it was really expensive because i had bought a supersize
but my asshole cat
decided i wasn't feeding him fast enough
and he's off hurting me
now that he realizes that it hurts me
so he bit through the huge and at least three months left supply
and even though i put packing tape over it
so air won't get in
it still has cat tooth/mouth germ contamination
and
i can't bring myself to use it

i used to use biotherm eye cream
back when i was in my twenties
one time the lid cracked
and i said:  oh well no big deal
and kept using it
and one day
my eye skin was all fucked up when i woke up
red and peeling
and swollen
and ruined
and i'm positive something grew in the no longer sealing container
and since then
i won't risk it
it took me a really long time to cure that


anyway
whew, long aside there

when i left the grocery store
something liquid came from the sky
though it didn't seem to be raining
and splattered my glasses
and the top of my head
and
i was walking under a semi covered place where a bunch of birds were
and my first thought was
did a bird seriously just shit on me
but
it didn't seem to be shit
it was sort of but not entirely clear
so
i'm going with--  a bird peed on me

is that good luck
i'm sure i heard something like that, somewhere


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I'm working on something for you

I fell asleep in the chair again

I love you very much sweetheart

ramblings

ok
stuff
i feel like i'm on this quest to find
the stuff i really like
and i feel like i've been on it for several years

and
i can't really understand how that's possible
i mean
haven't i known what i like
haven't i been with me all along
but, no, not exactly

i've changed a good deal in the last few years

now
there's skin care
and that's a false flag operation
i'm not sure there's an end to that
because i've thought i had the perfect routine
countless times
and i keep changing it
and
i just have again, sort of

there's a cleanser that i really really liked
but i decided it was too expensive at the rate i was going through it
but i just recently decided to order the beauty water
with the incentive of a small travel size cleanser
because you're supposed to be able to mix them together to make a mask

i need exfoliation and my skin isn't exactly sensitive
but it becomes over-stimulated easily
and then it breaks out more
but
if i mix the pa'akai and the beauty water and use that as a cleanser
about three times a week
my skin looks pretty good--  smaller pores, firmer, just good

i'm sure i've already mentioned the manyo factory galactomy niacin essence
i tried out a couple of cheaper options but they just don't give the same glow
and besides it takes months to use up that bottle
so not expensive really

well
everybody's doing black friday early sales
so i'm breaking down and buying some stuff i've been looking at for several years
niod sdsm the ordinary EUK 134
i thought i was going to be choosing between them
but
i think maybe it's both
sdsm is like marine hyaluronics, but more, better, lighter
and i got manyo factory bifida
i've used the missha and the estee lauder (although i was too young when i tried that to see a benefit as it's an anti-aging serum and i used one my mom got a sample of when i was a teenager, maybe or early twenties at the latest)
i wanted the ingredient
and i kept looking a cheaper brands:  kranicell, elizavecca
but i decided it would be the same as the galactomy (not as good)
and manyo is a fuck ton cheaper than even missha

and then soko glam sent me a 30% off email
and i got really crazy

for years and years and years i have wanted to try swanicoco brand
i wanted a fermented snail serum
but that has proven to be
elusive

soko glam doesn't have it either
but they have this
swanicoco is a clean beauty brand (as is manyo factory)
niod and the ordinary are maybe clean-ish
but very science-y and, anyway, not dirty
[that's what i'm telling myself, anyway--  PEGs are fine, really]

and i still wanted snail
so i found a missha snail serum
but
that wasn't even pretend clean
and it was pricey
and it has heavy perfume and i said:  enough, no, just no

and i wanted a seaweed serum
and osea has one, but it's too expensive, even at 20% off

and then i saw this
and i've been interested in klavuu for a while
but didn't see anything that looked right for me
and whatever--  it's ewg green level
even though it's not like green beauty
but it's got silt, man, silt
and seaweed [which i'm hoping isn't radioactive]
and hydrolyzed collagen to plump me up

idk
i just felt a vibe, ya know
sometimes it's like that


i've also got data about food
and clothing
but
i'm apparently obsessed with the skin care


and
maybe you

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i love you sweetheart
sounds like you had fun
quite an accomplishment, really
i don't think that's been done before
[or i mean, maybe everything's been done
by someone somewhere sometime
but
regardless
a rare accomplishment indeed]

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

I had a very stressful

and physically challenging

day at work yesterday

so today

I went back to bed after getting up

I slept on my side

and the cat slept beside me

which he never does

because he must sleep on me

but

I needed to change position

after a night's sleep

I dreamed of wonderous things

a wild west train

with a tour through all it's workings

seeing

cars full of cargo

but also miraculous

and clearly impossible capers

done by many many men

to protect the train

and

enhance it's operation

I wish I could remember and describe them to you

and

there were two captives

Frank Billingsly an outlaw of some type

and

the alleutian king

a man who was maybe an islander

and maybe from the Frozen North

he had an abominable snowman mystique

built up in his caging and display

any yet

I knew something of him

I was some sort of

journalist or naturalist

and I had been

talking to people

and

had been told many tales

one

I believed to be the truth

painted him as not just the foretold hero

but also

the actual savior of his people

though through very different means

than

the stories going round

all of them

it was quite remarkable

all round, remarkable experience

riding on a train

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I usually get up between 6:30 and 7

then I don't have to rush around

I decided the rushing around was interfering with my quality of life

So I just woke up at 8

Today there will be rushing 

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i slept in
i didn't do anything productive
well, i mean, i masked
but
i'm not sure that really counts
the weather's really nice here
i had the door open most of the day
i just now closed it, in fact, because
i got an email that said neighborhood crime alert:  lock your doors

oh well
*sigh*
it is dark now after all

the neighbor husband/father
[idk his name]
had a visitor
they sat on the stoop all late afternoon speaking serbian [i think]

i ordered door dash--  pizza
and i said the next time i did that i was getting the cauliflower crust
it was ok
not great
and
i think it's just really scorched cheese or something
i could not detect cauliflower
it was more like no crust pizza
and the crust is the best part

i know i once said chicago pizza was best
but
that's not really true
it's too dense

new york is maybe too thin
but idk, really
i don't think i had it in new york
what i like is a slightly thick-ish hand tossed pizza

i have a beer rep who keeps tellin me i've lost "so much" weight
i just figured he was blowing smoke up my ass
but
he just keeps saying it
so finally i'm like:  i really don't think i've lost any weight

and he's like:  you just don't see it yet
but it's clear in your face
i lost 60 pounds  before so i know what i'm talking about

now
i don't have a scale any more
i'm not sure what happened to it
oh, yeah, when the apt flooded a while back
it fucked it up
and i never got another one
so i'm not monitoring my weight

i did, however start getting fruits and vegetables for lunches
and i switched off the coffee
which i've been back on for october
but without the half and half
i'm seriously craving soy milk now
also chicken noodle soup
i've had chicken soup for dinner like at least 30% of the month
not canned--  like real soup
i realize that's meat
but not a lot of meat
and my body wants it

anyway
mu pajama bottoms fell down
and i was like wtf
because they are only like a yaer and a half old
you wouldn't expect the elastic to have given out yet
and i'm sure they were loose-ish to start
and, i mean, they went back up
it's really not that dramatic

but
then i was super curious

i have this top i bought a couple years ago
when i started buying things that weren't black
and it didn't fit
i mean, it went on, kinda
but it bunched up
it didn't go smoothly over my hips
so it looked like shit and i couldn't wear it
but
i didn't send it back
i really liked it and i said:  i'll lose weight
well now it fits loosely enough over my hips to actually look like it fits

also i had some underwear that i bought at tj maxx
but the sizing was different than what i'm used to--  i've been buying it by pants size for years
but some women's underwear is listed by this sort of secret code
that doesn't match anything else it's like 4,5,6,7,8,9,10
and i knew i didn't wear 10
but i wasn't sure if i was 8 or 9
and i'm not sure which one i bought
but
i could not wear it

now
i can
and it's ok comfortable for standing or walking
but it's pretty uncomfortable for sitting

so
i have lost weight
but i've no idea how much
all my clothes seem fine
they're just too long
and they're extra drapey

so
i'm guessing maybe fifteen to twenty pounds
over the last four to five months
maybe

i hope you're having fun
seems like it'd be fun

i love you sweetheart
i'm going to bed
but
you're probably getting up soon

have a fun day
i'll talk to you more later

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much