So I guess I should have said happy Halloween at some point but I wasn't really thinking about Halloween exactly

And I guess I was at some point but then I wasn't

So hopefully you're doing well

And hopefully I haven't done anything upset you

I guess I'm feeling kind of paranoid and it's cold here like really really cold

But I'm afraid to turn on the heater because I'm having this premonition that if I turn on the heater it's going to do that thing where it's got dust in it that catches on fire and it's reminding me about that time my house burned down

well technically it was the neighbor's house that burned down I just had structural damage and really bad electrical smoke but it was still very traumatic and I had to move and I did lose almost everything in my bathroom

So I just have like five blankets on the bed and the kitty wasn't very happy but the insulation is pretty good here so it's not nearly as cold inside as it was outside

Anyway I hope you're having lots of excitement and I love you very much

ok, i have to remember not to mention baseball tomorrow

i don't think i've watched a baseball game in years
that whole time i was a giants fan
i might have seen a couple games
in a sports bar
but
i'm not even sure about that

mostly i just listened on the radio
[on the internet]
or followed on twitter

youtube tv fox sports
was like a really fancy technological advancement for me
4D mapping of the swings
strike zone indicators
all that shit with this is where the ball goes with different pitches
that was so so so much fun

and
i thought initially
oh, this'll be fun because i don't know either team
but
i quickly fell for the nats
but
it was so good
back and forth
so well matched, really
i know houston is sad
they are looking for the "reason" they didn't win
but they didn't fuck anything up
they played well
it just wasn't their year, ya know

i'm never gonna be an astros fan again
but will i stay a nats fan?
i seem to have a certain type of team
a certain set of circumstances
or an ethos
so
i mean
realistically
maybe not

maybe every few years it'll change
or
maybe one of the teams
rendon's new team
strasburg's new team
will catch my heartstrings
or
maybe i'll stay and watch soto develop

i've missed baseball


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

schedule is off today

slept late

went downstairs to feed the cat

without phone

to rush myself

*

note to self

didn't work

*

got some stuff

I gotta leave the house for

still gotta shower and etc

reading will be very very late

but

is coming I promise

oh

but important

I don't like the white fluffy goo

it's too sweet

way too sweet

and

actually

I don't really like jelly either

but

I do like cake donuts

😁🍚🥠🎳

goodnight sweetheart

i almost didn't see it
but i did
just in time

fun times

i gotta go to bed now
so so tired
bad headache all day

but

i love you very much sweetheart

I wish I was routing for the Astros

but

I've been routing for the nats

I hope you're doing well

stay away from fires

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i fell asleep in the chair again

i think the ws is gonna go to 7 games

goodnight sweetheart

i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

sorry I didn't have much to say today

I slept late

and that sorta threw me off

and

I'm rewatching Ken burns baseball

there are new innings

hope your day was good

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

I fell asleep in the chair again

goodnight sweetheart

if you want to see someone I work with

Paulina is someone I work with

we give each other reviews

of the food

and beverages

I like her because she's her own person

and all genuine like

although

her social media thing is

a little freaky to me

she's about 21-22 somewhere in there

she was home schooled

she didn't and isn't going to college

she's also, yes, really pretty

I might

in my previous life

have had a whole big unrequited love thing with her

but

I seem to have either outgrown that

or

I'm still too much under your spell

all this in case you're interested

I'm never sure

if this kind of thing interests you

she is btw straight and Christian

I love you very much

I'm sorry, I'm not getting anything

I'm pretty tired

I'm going to bed

hopefully I'm open tomorrow

but

in fairness

I was trying to read for me

and that's harder

hope you had a really good day

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

i am a little disappointed that that coral is too big
too strong too
takes over the read
i have some rocks coming
the big sur jade i think is 1"x 1 1/2"
so it might work
then i have what looked like 3 little stones
chrysochlla
they may work
or they may not
then i have a "golden healer" coming
that is a palm sized rock of quartz
not crystal, just rock
with a little citrine or something
just barely yellow
but it's from joshua tree
there's no way it will work in readings
but
i'm hoping it's an energy generator
and i know it'd be better if i found the rocks myself
but
i want them from energy centers
where i have connected
i have a heart shaped rock that comes from big bend
i've had for years
(sadly i didn't find it)
i need a large red jasper
but i really need to find that i think
not order it on line

i'm really figuring this stuff out
somehow

we'll see how it goes

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

so
i know that some of these items
are too big
some of them will just go back to doing what they were doing
some of them will be involved
on the board
or used for yes or no
etc
the mechanics of my throwing the bones
are in no way
a code for anything
i'm talking about this freely
because i'm excited about it
don't be looking for trouble

Quetz'l thoughts

so
i've told you that i don't really understand how i got involved with Q'z'l
and that's true
the coin i found
was just some coin bill probably gave me from mexico
and
i didn't know that coin had any relation
or indeed that i had the coin until when i did the research
and when i found it, respectively

when i first started thinking about
what was my totem animal
my first thought
oh it's some kind of dragon
which i then admonished
no
a dragon is not a totem animal
it is a fantasy creature
this is like a native american thing
which is when i came up with bear
because they hibernate
and i had always had this thing with sleeping

like
hard to wake up
like i went to far away and had trouble getting back
that was my thinking

but
i don't think that's what people usually mean by bear

and
today i did some searches
and i can't believe i never tried this before

Quetzalcoatl Shamanism
and
there's stuff
a lot of stuff
i haven't waded through all of it yet
i had dinner with my mom

so
maybe
he picked me a long time ago
and maybe that's tied in with everything
somehow

So

I hope there wasn't anything bad in that

mine says

I've totally changed the farm

now it's totally filled with magic

and other planets are visible in the sky

and there's that same line underneath

like

with

yours

that in yours

was all about the artist perspective

and

it said

it wasn't telling me all that again

that last one

is supposed to be about us

but

I get farm

I don't understand what that means

remember that time

we did extasy on the farm

somethin kind snapped in you head

and it never snapped back

it's been haunting me

like maybe you just like me

for something I wrote once

when I was a person

I don't think I even am anymore

I don't know whether that's true

or crazy

I'd like to think

you know me

and love me

for who I am

but

sometimes I am not sure

and

I'm not sure

how much of you I make up

so

maybe

I shouldn't ask questions

maybe

maybe I can't handle the answers

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I hope you're doing well sweetheart
I love you very much

just checking in
I wanna make sure
you aren't reading anything as negative
ya know

I feel like
that's something I should do

I'm feeling
pretty good
I'm having some coffee
with califia pumpkin creamer
it's made with almonds and coconut
it's very fall
and the weather is cooler
I love fall

I mean
that's pretty common
but I don't care
I love it

good morning sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I can't believe
I fell asleep in the chair again
Ok
trying again
goodnight sweetheart

fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I'm going to narrate this because I'm getting ready for work and if I sit down and start writing then what's going to happen is I'm going to end up being late to work

I was going through female comedians last night and I was finding that like I couldn't find anybody I thought was funny except for Ali Wong who I've already mentioned I thought was hysterically funny so but I had some theories about why I thought she was so funny to me

and so I examine some earlier videos before she did her special and she wasn't nearly as funny so my theories for me for what I thought was funny bore out is that it had more to do with her expressions and her modulation of her voice and her eye contact with the audience but it had to do with what she was actually saying because a lot of what she was talking about of the kind of things that I normally do not find funny since it's about bodily functions which I generally do not find funny

and in the earlier videos that I saw that were like appearances on shows talk show late night stuff sorry she didn't do that stuff she just talked about you know marriage and getting married and entrapment and that kind of stuff and I normally I don't find that stuff funny either and I didn't on her late night shows like I would never have said oh that Ali Wong she's hysterical from the late night shows

but I mean and I could have liked all those things and write you a big long note about that but that just didn't seem worthwhile. I didn't think you would particularly enjoy that and if I didn't explain it all then it might have made you very confused thinking that that was somehow a message to you right

So then I found Margaret Cho and I guess she worked on that show fresh off the boat with Ali Wong because I'm pretty sure that's Ali Wong show to. And I have watch Margaret Cho since I don't know about 21 years ago or whatever it was that she was popular before and I always liked her I don't know if I would have said oh my God she's the funniest person ever but I saw I've seen some of her stand-up that I thought was pretty funny strangely some of that was about bodily humor too.  So maybe I like bottled humor if it's done the right way she had this thing where she was in traffic in LA and she had a coffee in a bran muffin and she ended up shooting herself in the car and it was pretty funny.  2 really it just said too and I said so.

To the Margaret Cho video apparently I don't say so that sounds like so it's not so much that it was hysterically funny as that it did two things it was a female comedian that was not about sex or indeed guys at all well she does mention that thing about Asian women and Jewish men and I wish that wasn't in there cuz I don't really approve of that but it was the only I think it was the only thing she did in there that was about guys so I let it slide.  but I mean some of the stuff I was watching I really did not like at all did not think it was funny and it was just kind of gross it in some of the Amy Schumer stuff was kind of making me feel really uncomfortable and anyway I didn't have all night but I had watched a bunch of videos and that was one that I was like okay well that's funny enough and doesn't offend me too much. 

I thought it was really interesting because she does use facial expression a little bit but mostly she's got this completely deadpan expressionless face.  And she does use her body when she shows the tattoos and stuff but that's more for some sort of shock value then it is actually funny I think.

So that's my explanation of why I like that video and it's not any kind of like secret coded message about Asian women and Jews that you're supposed to pick up definitely not if I could have edited that part out I would have edited it out but the problem with Mike and things is sometimes you have to like things that you don't completely like anyway I love you and I hope that was not confusing to you and did not make you think that I want you to go get an Asian woman so you can get through the desert quicker.

I love you sweetheart good morning

I love you sweetheart

so
the astros are doing well
and, you'd think, when they won a few years ago
that i would have forgiven them
and gone back to being an astros fan
but
i did not

when i quit them
i was done with them
and they're american league too
i don't think i can be a fan of an american league team
with all that fouling off
and designated hitters
and whatnot

i just followed hunter pence
well, not even intentionally
i was listening to the giants
because they had been your team
and they were doing well
even though they weren't your team anymore
and then there was hunter pence

but now he's gone to the rangers
i can't be a rangers fan
whatever rivalry you think los angeles and san franciso have
that is nothing compared to how houston and dallas feel about each other
not the teams
the cities

when i said i was going to dallas
everyone i told was like
dear god why would you go to dallas
and
when i floated the rangers thing by a few people
people i really trusted
they were like
NO
just NO

so
now
i'm not an astros fan
and they are doing well again
and i haven't been to a baseball game in years
YEARS

astros were leading in the bottom of the 5th

it's weird not to have a team

i mean, first world problems, but still


i ordered super weird pizza
i guess i'm a little app happy
i used my google assistant to help me navigate
instead of just crying and cussing a lot at my geographic dyslexia
i didn't have that available to me until this phone
and
i was resistant
but, i shouldn't have been

so anyway
door dash
i ordered this pizza
it's got spicy ranch--  instead of red sauce
which is weird
but i thought it sounded lighter
then i ordered:
onions
bell peppers
jalapenos
mushrooms
and
pineapple

now, i don't believe pineapple belongs on pizza
i think it's an aberration
but
i love grilled pineapple
and
it wasn't bad
it wasn't quite grilled enough
and
it wasn't really much like pizza
it was more of a flat bread
but i guess that's what i wanted
just with caramelized pineapple and jalapeno
which was also a little mild

they're still leading mid 8th
still leading bottom of the 8th
sorry, got distracted by computer baseball


i have been thinking
about
finding an open mic for stand up
idk if that's a good idea or not
but it seems to have taken root

kick ass
it looks like rudyard's has open mic on mondays
that would be too
cool

I dreamed of a marigold flag
now marigolds are the flowers they throw
in the Ganges in India
they are also calendula
which heals scars
so
I think it has significance
I'm just not certain
what I'm supposed to do with
that information

Okay I just had a dream and I'm dictating it I have one of those dreams where I'm in a final and I'm not prepared for but instead of freaking out I did something about it

So it was an anthropology final and I knew enough that I maybe could have bullshitted my way through it but I didn't want to do that because I love anthropology

so I was on like a time thing for the test and rather than sitting down and bullshiting my way through the test I drove back to where the professor was thereby ensuring that I was not going to get any grade on the test because I wasn't spending any time working on it and I went to the professor and I said look I have not done a good job on this studying preparing for the test because I have let my life and the things I had to do and the things I didn't have to do but good anyway interfere with my focus on this subject

And I used to be really good but I've been out of college for a while and what I would very much like to do just get an incomplete on this course and take it again and dedicate the focus that I need to make this work because I'm good at this and I think I want to be an anthropologist

And the omniscient narrator of the dream had the professor talking to other professors and they were saying while she used to be really awesome before and the professor was saying I don't see it now and they were like well I don't know

So I don't know what the professors going to say but I cared enough about it to risk total failure to try to do a good job and that was different than I've ever had one of those dreams be cuz they were always just about freaking out

So I don't know what that means I don't think it means I should go back to school and become an anthropologist

I don't really see how it has anything to do with us although maybe I'm just not seeing it yet

but I guess it definitely has to do with my attitude and maybe the most important thing is to have that dream go differently you know what I mean rather than it being a stress dream it was about changing it up I'm saying it's never too late to take ownership and fix something you really care about

Maybe

Anyway that was a dream that was pretty intense and this test was amazing it was it was like this hide that was rolled up and it had all these little sculptures you would have like six sculptures and say which was which of these would you rather find and why or you know something like that it was it was intense it was awesome just looking at the test made me want to study anthropology harder and better and usually those tests are math and I would look at him and just be like I don't know what any of this is but this was like well you know I kind of could bulshit my way through this I know a little bit but I want to know it all who is amazing

and the thing that was counting down the test I mean it was like something in my car was plugged into something and that was I don't know but it was this represented by the circle of like raffia and the circle was counting down from the white raffia to read and so as I'm driving I'm watching this raffia like turn red like it was you no account down kind of thing it was amazing he was amazing and such an amazing dream

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I've been sleeping during the day
yesterday and today
like
napping
I never do that
not unless I'm sick
so
idk I might be depressed

I had a cool dream though
I drove all around this like grid
and
I like ran my hands through this music
and there were two emails
people wanted me
and I was trying to explain to this woman
with a stack of blankets
and the nay-sayer man hanging around
how I was magic

and God said yes
I was still on assignment
but
some stuff was changing
and things were gonna lighten up for me

I'm not clear what that means
but
it made me feel better

goodnight
i love you

she looked at the apparent stranger
not meeting her eyes
not even briefly
though surely he knew she was there
and she thought
there's something really wrong with the thoughts I'm having right now

he'd lost weight
so she looked him up and down
checking for signs of illness
but
there didn't seem to be any
so
she relaxed
and really looked at him

he was lanky
and she felt like every time she saw him
she was visually feeling his thighs
estimating the volume

once he'd seemed thinner
he'd seemed a crazy frenchman then
she hadn't been sure she was comfortable with that
that kind of wild-eyed lean-ness
but
now
this here
this was more a hank-williams-alter-ego inspired lanky-ness
she looked him up and down again
this
here
now
she decided
was  the perfect lanky-ness
this was attracting her

she sighed inwardly
she didn't actually believe he found her all that attractive
and she didn't feel all that pretty

not that pretty was something she really aspired to, but she thought that's what he liked

hard to say, really

it seemed wrong
for her to like him lanky
when she was fat
but
attraction doesn't work like that
it's not all equal opportunity
besides, it's not like she wouldn't still
be attracted to him if he ballooned up
like the Michelin tire man
she was attracted to him

she'd been a little bit smaller when he met her
which she wasn't sure he remembered
but not much

but
she thought he was intrigued by her, personally
which should be better
and it was
kinda
but also
she kinda wanted the full apple

wait
is that a fucking suspender
she was momentarily
spinning
not like yo granpa suspender
hipster?!
no
actually
it seemed to be practically holding up pants
and
might not even have been
intended as a suspender
by it's creator
ok
so now
it was taking on a little
like
Leatherman edge

I wish he would just look at me
I'd much rather drown in his eyes

I had crazy dreams last night
it was a Xmas set at work
but it was fun
(in real life Xmas sets next week)
also
I was showering at work
and clocking in wearing a towel
very weird stuff

fell asleep super early
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much

hey
I doubt you're looking at my Pinterest
but
just in case
I posted a picture
of a bed
last night
it's not intended to be some
like
coded message
I just really want a new bed
and I really like that one
and I didn't want to forget
where I saw it

I hope you're having a good day

i love you sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

I love you