i made tuna salad sandwiches
i make them based on a curried tuna salad i had
in a deli like 30ish years ago
but
i used turmeric instead of curry powder once
and now i make it with
turmeric and cumin and coriander
with hellman's olive oil mayonnaise
and
raisins

and guess what almost doesn't hurt
or at any rate is better
more so than with ibuprofen

note to self
consume more turmeric

dr chucle is awesome

back years ago when i was first dealing with the facts of buzz's spina bifida and mega colon
i was initially not happy with her
she seemed wishy washy
like maybe she didn't know what she was doing
i took him to a cat vet specifically
like a cat specialist
and
everything she said was absolutely spot on
but
unlike some vets
dr chucle understands
you don't have unlimited funds
you have priorities of maximizing the good
and minimizing surgeries and testing
that don't necessarily maximize
that's not wishy washy
it's saying:
you could do that
but it probably isn't the best thing to do
but she doesn't say that last part
she says something more like
some people have had good results with that

once i understood her language
i really really like her
because i trust her opinion as wise and experienced

i have been dealing with young vets
and they have been freaking me out
i've been operating under the impression that
kitty is a ticking time bomb of death
that the elevated levels in his blood
mean that his pancreas is oozing acid all inside him
and that his insides are being destroyed
even as we speak
sure
he seems fine
but
there is almost no time left before massive damage


she's like no
the fact that his cholesterol and triglycerides are ten times "normal"
doesn't necessarily mean anything at all
we don't really know what "normal" is for a cat
maybe it's a problem
but
maybe it isn't

the pancreatitis doesn't work like that
it's only doing stuff when he's having an acute phase
and if he seems fine
he's probably fine

the thing that will most likely manage the problem is diet
and she thinks i'm doing that right
based on these numbers being high
i just switched him from chicken to fish
because my first trial was to get rid of the grains and fat
and then i didn't want to introduce more fats
if he wasn't digesting them properly
so now i've switched him to limited ingredient grain free fish
which is almost the same as what he was getting except fish
blue buffalo

the other vets
were talking specialists and testing
and she doesn't necessarily think that's necessary
also
it's not useful unless he's having an acute episode
but
if i get a referral then they may not see him right away
so
next episode
just take him to gulf coast animal hospital emergency
problem solved
[although the expensive test may be more expensive]
get them to ultrasound his entire belly
and if anything look weird
get needle aspirated biopsies

there is no medication for this
except steroids
which she doesn't recommend until it's super bad and necessary
not as a preventative of any kind
she doesn't recommend
fixating on the blood work

now
in both cases
he was absolutely fine fifteen minutes before
he started vomiting and being obviously sick

so the
just see how he's doing method
seems a little ify
but, whatever

he had an episode in june
and then in august

in august he switched food
the first test was better numbers
this last one was worse
but
they didn't get enough blood to do both tests
and she says they might not have really gotten enough for the one test
because she says it looks like the blood was hydrolyzed
so
maybe the numbers are falsely high
maybe he didn't need to switch foods

but
whatever
that takes care of the other factor:  protein

so
i need to stick with this food
which she approves of
for at least three months
and if he hasn't had an episode by then
he may not have another one for a long time
but once a year or so
is a managed condition

i did a bunch of research
but
this really helped me put things in perspective

so
fingers crossed

i'm going to eat something now

hope your day is going well
i love you very much sweetheart

very strange dreams
you were cloned four times
and sometimes they moved around
but sometimes
they were packaged like peeps
i slept a long time
and the dream kept cycling around
you came to see me
and for our date
you took me with you
to have a medical check for your trip to space
and I was a little disappointed
so clinical
and you were like
this is boring you?
I thought you'd find it fascinating
and something to the effect
why had you bothered


then
we were at college
I was in college
you were a guest lecturer
or whatever
and young women kept coming up
having you sign things
things they were pulling out of their purses
where are you buying that
I asked
because I hadn't been finding
books and cards and pictures at local stores
and they're all like
this place and that place


then I was going to take you to lunch
and i was hoping for some place
that we could really visit
but you wanted to go to Chick-fil-A


I was feeling
like
maybe I was wrong
and you didn't really love me
but
you looked deep into my eyes
and said
I love you very much
but
this is what I have to give you
and you hugged me
and kissed me on the lips
but in a pure and childlike way
and all your bodily substance seemed
to have left you
and you seemed like Russell Brand physically
although, somehow, it was still you


and then
somewhere in there
I drove you around town
and we took a train
and the peeps
were tomatoes
or
somehow related to tomatoes


I don't know what this all means
maybe it's just depression
and too much sleep
but
I'm kinda upset by this dream

hip is still sore
but I'm fine
I discovered I have a reset
and I was thinking I shouldn't
but
I don't know what I was thinking
I went to the first conference
after working overnights
and
the other too
I should know this shit
but
whatever
maybe I'm senile
maybe I'm just distracted
shit to do
tired
maybe a little depressed
I love you
hope you're doing well
cat to the vet
my old vet
semi retired
dr chucle
wish me luck

well
after working all shift
hurting
and feeling kinda flop-sweat-y
and five ibuprofen
i came home
and sat down
and
pop
so
maybe
everything is all better now


i, however, am going to bed
i'm exhausted
and
have no energy for anything


i love you
it was a rough day
but all the santa's butt beer is on the shelf
so, ya know, the important work was done

the quality street candy tins were on sale today 30% off
and i missed getting one last year
so
that's another thing crossed off the list

the cat's blood work is worse
more drastic measures will have to be taken

hope you have a good night sweetheart

I dreamed something about a short haired blonde movie star
in a light blue form fitting dress
that they
made it look like she died
by killing a female soldier
this was in the 30s or 40s
very strange

slightly better
but
on work days I will take ibuprofen
so
hopefully
I'll make it through
dubious, though


hope you're doing well
I love you very much

my hip feels slightly out
I slept late
and I stretched it out
but
it will not co operate
I'm going back to bed


sorry today was such a bust


I love you
and I had really strange dreams
but
I found when I tried to describe them
they didn't make sense
car seats
and movie making
and high school
I just need my fucking hip to pop

good night sweetheart
I'm taking the cat for more blood work
follow up
in the morning
and then I'm early voting


meet me in dreamland
💜

although
if I have some meso American
Indian
it would make
the Quetzalcoatl thing
make more sense
because
it never has made sense

no wait, apparently i have to talk about this first

so
i went to dinner with my mom
and it was ok
i talked about how upset i was with the direction
the country is going
and she was pretty much on board for that
and
she's going to vote
and not republican
so all that is good

she wanted me to say she looks 55

and i'm like
but i'm 51
i think you look older than me
and she's like
well you don't look 51
and i'm like how about i say you look really good
will that work
i'm not good at guessing ages anyway


but
she looks old to me
and frail
and not that good, ya know


but
when i was getting out of the car
i just asked in passing if she had thought about getting one of those dna tests
and she said she sorta wanted to get one
and then
she proceeded to tell me
after i told her my bit

well you've got native american on both sides
and i'm like
well, what do you mean
i figure there might be some mexican somewhere on her side
possibly
because they'd been in texas since the 1850s
it could happen, ya know
maybe not all german

and then she proceeds to tell me
that when shirley and betty went through daddy's things
they found a family picture
that they think was his parents
[although i'm not sure how they decided that]
and the woman had "dark skin"
so
what are you saying
his mother was mexican
maybe, she says
or maybe she was black

you think your super white
very german looking father was half black
i ask
somewhat incredulously

maybe
she says
or indian
i have this indian nose
she says
turning sideways
showing me what most people who have ever guessed
the pedigree of her nose
have guessed was a jewish nose
but
i just think looks somewhat generically german

it is, of course, possible
that he was half black
and just looked white
but
i mean come on
they are all pasty white

i think it's more likely
it was a second wife
but
who can say

but

maybe i'm an 1/8 indian
and an 1/8 black
are you buying that shit

i don't think i am

but
i kinda want to do the test now

I love you

also
I dreamed last night
that I sold all the wine
like there was literally nothing left


which is weird
because they've tied my hands so much
that I literally do not care
or consider myself responsible
for sales of wine

RASPBERRIES?!

that other story decided it was finished
but this one
decided it was next
so
maybe it's a story cycle
or whatever


good morning sweetheart

couldn't decide which way i wanted to go next
with that story
so i didn't get all turned around with it
it's at a comfortable resting place right now
hope everything is good with you

i love you sweetheart
and i'm going to bed soon
i have a headache because the weather is about to change
it got hot again
but
it's supposed to be 64 tomorrow
and
also
i have to go to dinner with my mom tomorrow
i need extra rest

goodnight sweetheart
i love you
i'm going to bed now

now this is just freaky

last night
i dreamed that
dennis gave me a new responsibility at work
i had to go through all these songs
that customers submitted
and choose the ones to put on the in-store
music program
and
when i listened to them
a bunch of them
seemed to be about me
and i was deeply touched
dream songs
weird, huh

bed&vreakfast, damn it!

i was reading july, july  and i didn't get it.  now that's not terribly unusual for me, the not getting it, with things that other people like and "get" and understand.  i didn't go to my high school reunion--  not 10, not 20, not 30 (if they had a 30).  for my 10 year, i said i wasn't going and a friend of mine asked me why.  why should i want to?  i asked.  it's not like i have stuff i want to show off.  i could go with you and tell them i'm your husband, he offered.  wow, i thought, that's what you think i'd want to show off?!  i had meant like, ya know, i wasn't famous yet.

these july, july people, they seemed to just be the embodiment of regret and backward looking-ness, and i couldn't like them.  even now, when i think i'm about the age they were, i still think, somehow, that my best days are ahead of me.  or, realistically, that there might not be any good days--  maybe good days are a trap, somehow.  i wouldn't go back to high school.  not if you paid me.  i liked college, a lot, but i don't think i'd want to go back.  if there's any time i might be tempted to go back to it's the time i spent travelling around.  and really, i don't want to go back, i want to go forward.


patagonia.
patagonia, arizona.
is a small town in southern arizona, not too far from the mexican border.  it's a bird watcher's paradise, so i'm told, and it's close to other cool places to check out like tombstone and bisbee.  driving out there was my first look at texas canyon, and the drive on highway 83 from the 10 to patagonia was really beautiful to me.  in fact, there's this juncture where one way takes you to patagonia (which is like northern exposure, but like, ya know, southern exposure), another way takes you to tombstone (which is like a wild west movie set, kinda), and the other takes you to bisbee (an amazing little artist colony which is some kind of technicolor vision that seems like oz, something--  i was going to say brigadoon but that seemed like mixing metaphors somehow--  it just doesn't seem like it could really exist)

anyway, i had to find the black dove.  and this was still when everything had deep symbolic meaning.  but it was a little house with an added guest house kind of thing.  and i was in the guest house kind of thing.  i met the woman who ran the bed and breakfast and her husband.  i had booked it for two people because i naively thought he might be joining me and i didn't want to defraud the b&b.  is your friend coming tonight?  they asked.  well, actually i don't know that he's coming at all, i said, maybe.  they looked at me.  you'll find the one, the woman said, you'll find a good man who will do work around the house and be a real help to you, she said, looking approvingly at her mate.  wow, i thought, that's really what you think i want?  i wanted somebody to play with, somebody fun and inspiring.

whatever.  i put a box of black licorice in the window so that if he showed up he'd know he was in the right place, and then i went "to town".  i put town in air quotes because it's hard for me to think of a place that small as going to town--  it is really just a few businesses--  but i'm probably skewed by coming from a big city.  there was a cute little grocery, not a health food store--  if there had been a health food store i probably would have gone there.  i bought groceries.  as though it were serious business.  i got eggs and big cans of those awesome green chiles that come in the bright yellow packaging.  i got coffee.  i don't know what all i bought.  staples, i bought staples, like i was stocking the pantry for our home.  for some reason i bought a giant (truly giant) bag of mixed raspberries and blackberries.  i think i spent $125, seriously.  i was not staying long enough to eat $125 worth of food, and apparently i was not planning to eat out at all.  i think i just got carried away at the idea of cooking for him, if he showed up, which i really didn't expect that he would.  i can't really explain what i was thinking.

i put the groceries away.  the husband came and asked me if i was having breakfast the next morning and i said i thought i was and he told me what time it was.  i walked around the property a bit and then i went to the cafe.  they had internet and, of course, it wasn't smart phones then so i had to have my laptop and find the internet access.  i couldn't make something work and, i remember, i actually called my mother and made her log on and read me something--  that's how seriously i took all this social media back then.

i stayed up late because i always stay up late.  and i could not make myself wake up in the morning.  then there was banging on the door.  wtf.  i got up and staggered to the door, opened it a bit sticking my face out.  it was the husband.  you're late for breakfast!

this took me a little aback.  i'm on vacation.  he was banging on the door, waking me up to tell me about breakfast?!  my experience with bed & breakfasts had been:  they cook breakfast and if you want it you come and get some, like a buffet kind of thing, ya know.  yeah, i overslept, i said, i think i'm just gonna skip it.

no, he says forcefully.  she made an effort to make you breakfast and you are going to come eat it.

again wtf?!  but he was deadly serious.  he looked like he might beat the crap out of me if i didn't get my ass in there right that moment.  man, i haven't had a shower.  he looked unmoved.  ok, give me a minute to get dressed.  it would have been nice if you had explained the situation more completely yesterday.  i will not be wanting breakfast the rest of my stay here, understand.  i threw on my clothes from yesterday and went into the main house to sit at a round table just outside the kitchen.  there were eggs scrambled with cheese and a muffin split open and buttered.  it was greasier than i would have preferred.  i felt unclean and uncomfortable.  she sat down and made small talk.  as a ring of hell it was pretty mild.  then she went on to explain how her mate, the one i should aspire to get one like, apparently, was just very protective of her and hadn't meant to snap at me like that--  clearly i just hadn't understood the situation.  uh huh.

then i went back to my room to brush my teeth and take a shower.  she had left tiny sample size regenerist serum with a note about how great it was on the bathroom sink.  really?  that's what you think i want to start with a new drugstore serum on my vacation?  i mean, maybe it's great but i don't want that crap, and it just felt like weird and intrusive, somehow.  then i go to take the shower and there is no hot water.

this i think is funny.  the universe is telling me to take a cold shower.  he is definitely not coming.

I love you

I love you

i feel a story riding to the surface

July, July
Patagonia
licorice
bed & breakfast! damn it
tombstone
birdcage
missions
hummingbird
raspberries
radio Patagonia -- a hard rain's gonna fall
high school reunions
bogie-- I'll pretend to be your husband 94
pva lookin for me 04

good morning sweetheart
I love you very much
💜

I dreamed
that I worked
on a television show
and for some reason we were expecting
china to invade
so they left me in the hallway
I was expected to turn them away somehow

goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
i'm going to bed now
i'm exhausted
but
it's much much cooler here
like
you can just put the fan on
instead of the air conditioner
61 degrees, my phone says
real feel 56
so
that
is
awesome!

golden gate

when i was like three and a half
my gran gran, my aunt joan, and i
drove from texas to san francisco to pick up
my hippy aunt
i'm not sure why she didn't just take a bus or something
i'm sure there was a reason
and i don't think it was because everyone wanted a road trip

i remember a surprising amount of the trip
which is to say
not a huge amount
but i was three and a half

i think i've told you some of it before
and i should write a story or something
but
for right now
i'm just going to paint a little picture

the reason is
i've had this image coming up
over and over again recently

me
standing on a pier at fisherman's warf
with a starfish
it was the kind of starfish
that one could buy at anyplace that sold seashells
in 1970 at least
and for years and years afterwards
although i don't see them much anymore
about four inches across
orange with little white bumpy texture across the top
and a zillion little dried leggy/feel-y bits on the underside
and i was picking off those fringe-y bits
i couldn't help myself
i was standing there alone
the adults could see me
but they weren't close by
i was looking alternately out at the water
and back at the dramatic long orange curtains
at the restaurant
had we just gone there?
i don't think so
i think we were trying to go
but there was probably debate about whether
there was anything my vegetarian aunt could eat
and whether she was willing to watch the hungry carnivores eat
i don't specifically remember that part
not from like that occasion
but that was how she was

i was standing alone
looking at the curtains
looking out at a sea lion
but
i'm not sure now if it was real or not
it might have been inflatable
i don't think i knew then
i think i was intently trying to tell if it were real
but it wasn't moving
my reality had not included wild sea lions
and i was trying to figure it out
and picking the stuff off the starfish

but
seeing that now
i'm wondering
what if i had jumped in?
i wasn't paying much attention to the aults
and they weren't paying much attention to me
what time of year was it?
i wasnt to say fall
i want to say i had a sweater on
but
i'm not sure
i know it wasn't hot
but
i don't think san francisco gets hot enough
even in the hottest part of summer
to seem hot to me


i liked san francisco
i liked golden gate park [i think it was called]
i liked chinatown [i got a golden plate and container set]
i'm not sure that i liked the trolleys [they were a little scary to get on]
the biggest adventure
i feel like i told you that part before
was when my hippy aunt was giving my aunt joan driving directions
she didn't drive herself, you see
and she turned her onto lombardi street
and she was not sure she could handle it
but she couldn't turn back
there were people behind her
so she had to drive down the "crookedest street in the world"
and she was really really pissed off about it
and she went really really slow
so the people behind her were also pissed off

i've had a strange day
i have been having some trouble making myself do things
i don't know if it's a mood thing
or what
but
like i wouldn't do my taxes back in april
so i filed for an extension
and that meant they were due today
and
i've been trying to make myself do them all month
it doesn't take very long
because i don't itemize or anything
i owed a little bit
because i don't have them take out any extra
and i have some starbucks dividends

i feel like i shouldn't be talking about this
isn't that strange
anyway
i got up at 9am
and i had already basically done them
i just had to type them out
and print them
and write a check
and mail it

but it was probably 3pm before i'm dropping it in the mailbox
and i know
normal people do some kind of online paying
or phone paying
but
i have some issues
some of them are just stubborn
and some of them are related to
technology failures in one way and another

but
i just didn't want to pay it
i kept thinking
T doesn't pay taxes
he just gave abuncha  rich people a tax break
i barely make any money and i gotta pay
hardly anything comparatively
there's no state income tax here
and whatnot
but
i was all in a funk
and
i had to go get sushi to cheer myself up
20% off for "happy hour" since it was like 4pm



sorry if i've been out of pocket
it's just been really bad
i even did my car inspection first
and it isn't technically due til the end of the month
but i did it the day i wore my freaky pants
and got the new sticker already too
texas has combined the inspection and registration stickers
but
there's all this stress for me
because i've tried to get the inspection done
when the speedometer and odometer are both working
and
i missed that window
so i'm looking up what you need to pass
and, turns out, you don't actually need odometer
that is the cheapest inspection i've had in like 15 years
i only had to pay for inspection
nothing needed fixing

I'm going to bed sweetheart
I love you
meet me in dreamland

i'm having some feels around the EW thing and i want to talk about it [edited]

now
i'm a little put off to be honest
by the whole one ancestor 6 to 10 generations back
i can't explain exactly
but
maybe if i tell you why i don't want to take a dna test
it'll make more sense


i might be as much as 1/8 native american
which is not a whole lot
but
i figure
if my grandfather's father
was a full blood indian
he probably would have passed on some specifics
some practices
tribal knowledge
specific stories
but
i never heard anything like that
so
i figure he must have been half
but
he could have been less, i guess
he looked indian
indian enough to be killed for being an indian
and my grandfather looked indian
so
i figure that he must have been half indian
and that makes me an eighth  [no it doesn't, it makes me a sixteenth]

but
i worry that that might be wrong
but
i figure
he did have a red headed sister
so maybe he was less than 1/4
there's all that recessive and whatnot
but
at the outside i figure i couldn't possibly be less than 1/32
which is like
hardly statistically relevant
but is still something, ya know like 3%

and that's why i don't want to take a dna test
they aren't even terribly good at the native american dna
because the tribes don't like to participate in the dna testing
so they have to extrapolate from mexico and central america
it tends to get lumped into asian
because
that's where the indians came from
long time ago on the bering strait
and
i cannot handle
if i don't show up
or if it's 1% or 3% asian
so
i don't want to do it

i understand i don't count as indian
i don't have tribal registry
or affiliation or even a very sure guarantee
that my grandfather was not fucking making up blackfoot
just because it sounded cool to him


now
maybe i'm wrong
maybe he was
i keep saying he
because i don't know his name
maybe he was full blooded indian
and his wife wouldn't let the kids learn indian stuff
maybe

so then my grandfather was half
my father a quarter
and me
then i'm an eighth
that's like my best case senario then, huh, 12.5%


but
it won't tell me for sure what tribe
and it won't help me learn anything about anything
so
all it can do really
is take my 12.5% and make it 1%
ya know
why do that?

it might say

50-ish% german
20-ish% scottish
20-ish% irish
10-ish% asian/native american
or maybe i would be surprised

but
in the end
i don't see what difference the surprise would make
what difference does it make
what countries your ancestors came from
if you don't know them
aren't they really just abstractions
and then you're just telling yourself stories about what any of it means

it's not gonna tell me i'm 50% sub-saharan-african
or japanese
that would surprise me
but
it wouldn't really tell me anything about myself, ya know

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

goodnight sweetheart
i love you

ok
let me ask you something
wtf is wrong with KW
i've avoided ever hearing him
i'm not sure why exactly
something about the way people talk about him
but
he comes off as slightly schizophrenic
except that he is coherent-ish
like the words make sense
but
it doesn't hang together as a coherent concept
let me contrast

lucid

intelligent

thinks DT was running to build up to something

not to become president

this was the first george carlin i ever saw

either it flams or it doesn't flam

I think I started brushing my hair back
when I was letting the uber short
shaved back bob grow out
I put some gel in it
when it was wet
and brushed it back
combed it back
and then
I did not brush it out
wet look
this was less popular
than the giant teased asymmetric do
which was so unpopular
that
when I got caught in the rain
and the whole thing fell
into a curly/wavy flat wet do
everyone ran up to me
and said
wow your hair looks great today
I associate people running up to me
when my hair is different
with
we didn't want to tell you how bad
we thought it looked before
so
we'll just effusively praise this
and hope that does the trick
and it might
if I cared what anyone else thought of my hair
I don't though
I never have


I'm doing it for me
and to project something, ya know


but
one day I was talking to my hippy aunt
after I hadn't seen her for a while
and
she had almost always worn her hair
in two side braids
and I was looking at her
same color as mine red hair
and her inch and a half part
and
I'm all like
ok, good warning
no parts
no parts ever


and
I stand by that
I'm not unhappy with that decision

ok
I have to go to bed now
but
possibly what I wanted to tell you
was
either
why I started brushing my hair back
well
no
actually I started doing that in the early 90s
but
in earnest I mean


or
my theory about BK's
freakishly inappropriate prepared statement


or
possibly
it was neither of these things


anyway
I love you sweetheart
goodnight

when i went to bed night before last
there was something i wanted to tell you
but it was a story or something and i had fallen asleep in the chair
and i just wasn't awake enough to tell you at that moment
but
yesterday i tried all day
and i can't remember what it was
and usually, if this kind of thing happens
i try to back track
and whatever i saw that triggered the memory
usually re-triggers the memory
but
no luck
i hope it wasn't fascinating
because
it might be a while before i get back to it, ya know


yesterday
i got up at 6;30
because kitty wanted breakfast
but then i went back to bed
slept til 10:30 and in some ways i feel pretty good
but then in others not so much
and about 2:30 i got really dizzy
i had to lie down
i was really worried about myself
i fell asleep
i slept another  three hours

this morning
i don't want coffee
it just seems like too much acid
plus the cream and sugar
i don't want the sugar
but i can't drink coffee black
well, unless it's really good coffee
made in a french press
but that is not the situation

now
i always want coffee
but today, i have the distinct imprression that it will make me sick
and i was drinking coffee before i got dizzy
so maybe i've connected them in my mind
i really hope not
i love coffee

i'm drinking iced tea
which i'm drinking without sugar (as always)
but
when i was a kid
if i drank iced tea in the morning
it made me vomit
now, granted
that was powdered iced tea
which is what deborah bought
which is what i could fix myself
but
i think it had to do with the tannins
to much for my weaker morning stomach

but
i think it's fine now
i was drinking iced tea when i went to bed
i'm just finishing it up
then i think i'm going to have some emergen-C

I dont think wigs are going to work for me
I think I have too much hair
I dont even think my hairline
has receded beyond "normal"
but
I used to have a widow's peak
anyway
that purple wig
it barely comes below my ears
and none of my hair will fit under it


whatever


I love you

good morning sweetheart
hope everything is good with you


things actually went ok with my mom

good morning sweetheart
hope your day is good
with beautiful weather


I'm not getting my hair cut Sunday
I'm not sure
any hair decision I made right now
would count as being in my right mind
I feel pretty emotional
so
I'm gonna wait


stomach still upset
head still hurts
I ordered a probiotic
which will hopefully help


I've got more to talk about
but
I'm going to dinner with my mom
so
more later, I guess

so
god sent me a hairstylist
this girl walked up to my register
and said:
wow you have such beautiful hair
now
when I was a kid
and a young woman
people said this so much
it fucking irritated me
but
it's been a while


I washed it this morning
and
I put the stuff in it
but a little more than normal
and
I parted it
just let it hang down
it pained me
I've been wearing it brushed back
for so long that this looks
really wrong to me
but
it puts less emphasis
on the reduction of hair
and
I'm certain she was talking about
the color
but
she's a stylist
and I asked where
and she's like
it's just around the corner
but
it's more expensive
I'm like how much
if you don't mind my asking
we start at $95
but the
and I'm
like
yeah, that's about what I need to be paying
I haven't been for a while
but
I used to when I made more money
can I get your card
she didn't have one
but she wrote it down for me
Andie at Kharisma Hair Studio
you could ask for me
yeah, that's what I was gonna do 😊

I took an iron supplement
I feel like I might be a little anemic
I still feel weird
but
not as bad as yesterday
when i had that stomach bug
i think it messed up
my internal flora
because i haven't been quite right
so
i guess, maybe, in retrospect
it wasn't menopause
it was bug
who the hell knows
maybe this right now
is psycho somatic
maybe a lot of women
are feeling ill


idk
i love you sweetheart
i hope you have a good day

well ok
the first wig came
that's the one i ordered from the shopping
and, truthfully i thought that one was probably going back
i just got really hopeful when i saw that hot girl video for that wig
and maybe
if i styled it all up
it might look a little like that
but
i could tell right away that it wasn't really gonna work for me
and i don't like to mess things up if i'm sending them back
i'm old school
and returning things at all makes me a little uncomfortable
but
it's too short
and the color washes me out
the only other color options
are too red and too brown
so there's not even anything, really
to exchange it for
plus
it seems small
around seemed fine
the top back seemed too big
but my hair has to go someplace
so I'm not thinking that's a problem
but
it doesn't seem like it goes down enough
maybe that's how wigs are supposed to fit
my experience with wigs
I was in I think fourth grade
I was Sally Bowles for Halloween
and then I kept the wig around
and used it to play my alternate personality
Vikki Wolf
I'm thinking I told you about that
I loved that
of course I thought I wanted to be an actress at that age
and I really enjoyed pretending to be
somebody else
but
I enjoyed creating her story
maybe more
I doubt I would enjoy
just being somebody else's character
anyway that wig was probably way too big
that wig was black
and it didn't go with my coloring
at all
honestly, I think it probably looked
really weird
but
ya know
I think I was born with Goth tendencies
and, ya know, I loved the Addams family
whatever
I'm a little worried
but
if I have to get large size wigs
that limits me
although
I think just not super short will be fine
rae might be long enough
but, if not
there are options


I think I'm going to
take pictures
of rae and Tia Maria to the salon
and see if they think they can do that
but maybe a tiny bit longer, maybe
or
like a shattered bob generally
with an angle
and a little bit of shaved nape
maybe
we'll see how it goes


I love you sweetheart

ok
so i had all this stuff i wanted to discuss
but then i wasn't sure where to start
and now
now i'm not sure i remember all of it

i'm having feels about the whole BK thing
like idk how to explain
i was watching the circus
and this woman was screaming and crying at flake
are you telling me you don't care about what happened to me
are you telling all women that
and
i lost it a little
i feel very strongly
that BK is a raper
there isn't really enough "evidence"
but, there is, ya know
i understand that feinstein's timing had political motivations
and i'm not opposed to that
but
it seems to muddy the water a bit
and then these fucks are jumping on that and saying
it's all made up
which they would say anyway

but
there is an underlying trauma
i'm feeling
i was at work
and i was not quite wishing tha a bunch of male senators would get raped
not quite
but


and
i've been unwrapping a pallet of christmas ornaments
because christmas starts next week
but
i haven't been upset about it
i'm practically volunteering
and today at work
i looked down
and there is glitter everywhere
and i stretched out my arms
just to stretch, ya know
and
i could feel prickling rain on my arms
and i had a whole swirl of emotions that i don't even understand


and that girl
who got the other job
and then has been trying to come back
she quit today
and came in crying looking for dennis
and he has to hire people for christmas
i don't see how he can not hire her
unless he's gonna say:
i don't want your drama
and i just don't know

they didn't let her go at her 90 day
like i expected they would
but
they didn't give her the salaried position with insurance that she was expecting
they just kept her on hourly
so
the job turns out to be fifty cents more
and misery


and it turns out this sunday is my hair cut day
every year for the last three or four years
i've been getting my hair cut at the breast cancer cure event
it raises money for breast cancer
and it's a discounted haircut
and
i haven't been very happy with the haircuts
or the few i've gotten on different days at the ulta
because i always think they cut my hair like a soccer mom
and i hate that
but
i can't afford the caliber of stylist that i quite frankly need
and while i pulled off fairly elaborate big hair
without heat tools
and with only health food store styling products
i'm not working with that level of raw materials

i've been craving that buzz cut back of the head
that feels so good to run your hands over
but
i don't think i can pull that look off any more
and
i don't want to turn you off
maybe you want me to have my hair a certain way
i'm not clear on that

it's hot
and in the way
and a constant source of disappointment to me
i've got hair
it's ok
i've got no right to complain
but
i don't enjoy my hair anymore
and i have this idea in my head
that wigs are the answer to hair drama

i never permed or colored my hair
except for highlights
and
one time i put a henna rinse on it in 97
and one time i dyed it blonde
to try to get the henna (which was more red red) out

my hair used to be so strong
i could take a strand of hair that had fallen out
and pull it and pull it and watch the stretch and strength
until finally enough pressure would break it

now i pull the strand of hair
and as soon as it gets taught
it snaps

do you think i could pull this off with my bio hair?

probably there was more
but i can't remember
sleep tight sweetheart, i love you

good morning swertheart

well
I went online to look at that wig again
it just looks so much
like styles I had
but longer, ya know
I'm a big hair girl, I guess
I don't know if the purple's gonna work
my hair stylist friend
but dark red low lights in my hair once
and he's like
oh
this doesn't look right with your coloring
and from then on
he put bright yellow highlights
which looked great
but
when I went on to look
there was a 40% off coupon
so
I just bought it
if it doesn't work
I'll find another color
I think that's my
"80s retro look"