strange dreams again

these were more fragmented
plus
I can't remember them as well
at one point
there was this great community pool
but then
when they were gonna close for the season
rather than covering
or draining
they filled the pool
with glass and garbage
so
if you tried to swim in it
you'd get hurt


there was a trip to Disney
and I didn't seem to have my I.d.
so I couldn't get in
but
I didn't really want to go to Disney anyway
but
that was on the heels
of a much more complicated dream
which I don't really remember
except
the wife had a used red car
and everybody knew her for it
it was like the equivalent of
mercedes&Ferrari somehow
it looked like and older model Mercedes
but it revved like a Ferrari
and I got to drive it
briefly
I really wanted one
and she always said it was used
like, oh, this old thing
but
it was pretty amazing


and
there was something
about
rain
Zen rain gardens
I don't remember how it worked
but
it was amazing

so, i'm at work

I'm starting to wonder
am I officially depressed
should I be seeking meds
am I a difficult person?
how much of the trappedness that I feel
is just in my head
how am I going to get over it
what's going on with you
are you ok
how close do you actually want me


I don't feel like myself
I don't feel happy
but
if I felt happy
would I feel like myself


I want to run away
I want to live away from people
that desire
it's not getting weaker
as I age


and
probably
a lot of things

more ungood dreams

I dreamed
I was trying to manage my dept
which I can't remember
what that was exactly
but it was coffee, somehow
tasting room maybe
because I needed three sleeves of cups
so I ordered them


but then
the new manager
I guess saw I had been the last one
to order cups
and left a message
that I didn't get until late
be sure you order cups


now
they were pretty much outta cups
that had been borrowing
from other stores
but nobody knew how many they owed
I couldn't find out pars
or sales units
or
even
how often cups could be ordered
so
did I mention it was Christmas time
really all I could do
was order the maximum
which was ten boxes of each
but they didn't have room
for that
and it was 5:05pm
and maybe cutoff was 5:00pm
so maybe they wouldn't get anything
and I was appalled and super stressed
because
I know how to order
but you need to know
something
to get it right
and I wanted to order all these
beautiful packages
of Christmas cookies
because I knew I could sell them
but
I thought I probably wasn't allowed to
and that stressed me out too




then
there was Lloyd
he was an older than me guy
not like old
he was sweet
but a huge downer
he was a widower
and he talked about his wife
constantly
and he wasn't my friend
but like a long-standing acquaintance
I think he was a customer
and I was standing outside
in the country, somewhere
introducing him to some other
male acquaintance
they were talking
and
it suddenly became clear to me
that he resented me
for never wanting to
I'm not sure
sleep with him
date him
marry him and take care of him
and
I had never had any attraction to him
what he inspired was pity
more than anything
but
there had never been one inch of room
for me to develop feelings
how could he resent me for that
and then
he says to the other guy
Myrna and I
were always meant to be Memphis
we were always just a little too
St. Louis some how
and then he split and divided
and became a crowd of men
pushing up on me
crowding me
passively aggressively
demanding things of me




then I woke up

i fell asleep

musical theatre version of star wars
but
they did do some cool
split screen stuff
and symphony on stage
there was walking through
with cards
like
either
old vaudeville
or
I was gonna say
laugh in
but they had stuff written
on their bodies
didn't they


then
there were these young guys
and they were trying to
claim they were so so great
huge dicks, they were claiming
and I was pretty over it


saying
like this big
with things that look big on the outside
but, like, it's all packaging


I feel a little better
but
I think I'm'onna try to go back to sleep

continuing that other story

on where it was
just telling you here

not going to work

she sounded angry
probably somebody else called out to
I dragged myself in feeling bad
most of last week
and besides
when I exhibit symptom
dizzy
I feel like that means don't go
but
I feel like I may have called in sick
maybe one day a month
for the last few months
so
maybe that's a pattern
maybe I'll get written up
idk


I slept until 1pm in all good faith
trying to get better
I feel worse

weird dreams again

I think I was managing a baseball team
but
I also had an at bat
in one inning
which I was waiting for
but things were going slow
and then something came up
crisis-y
I got called away
and I missed it


then
in another part
I was almost asleep
when two armored SUVs
pulled into my yard
tearing up my grass
waking me up
I mean they were two feet from my
sliding glass door
and they started delivering gallons of milk
no
wrong address
you want to take this to
our receiving warehouse
which was printed on their ticket
and scratched out
my home address written in
this is not the fight place for this


I woke up several times in the night
upset stomach
and
my head and neck and back
hurts really bad
I don't know what's up

i want to write something, but i'm having trouble, so, this

I'm starting in the middle, roughly, maybe. I know, I know, you're supposed to start at the beginning, but I can't. I'm not sure when everything started. Not really. Not sure. And besides, the beginning is confusing and hazy-- you'd just check out anyway. So, I'm starting where I'm starting, and I'm probably not explaining everything adequately-- feel free to ask questions as we go.




2016 wasn't the best year ever. The presidential campaign seemed like it had been going on for like five years; I think everyone wanted it to be over. But when it was over, somehow, it was even worse than ever. I mean, the country's been all polarized for years, sure, and I guess when the current president won maybe half the country thought that was a really bad thing. Maybe they were burning him in effigy. For sure there was that whole birther thing. So maybe it's just me. I was hopefully optimistic last time. Before I saw that he wasn't rolling back the encroaching homeland security 1984 stuff-- which was, to my mind, the most important stuff he needed to do. But now it's been approved and codified by both parties and we are never getting privacy back. Not that most people seem to want it. Social Media. And maybe we're getting the president we deserve-- by which I mean the kind of guy who has social media fights and no attention span.


maybe I'm still hopefully optimistic. I doubt he will be as bad as I imagine he'll be. Maybe I'll be proven wrong again. I would say that I hope the Democrats learn something from this. Like just because the Republicans have gone the freaky far right route doesn't mean that right of center works for them.


or maybe you don't agree. Maybe you think the Democrats are super liberal?! Maybe thrre isn't any center left to land on.


I'm trying to remember if I voted for Bill the first time. I'm not sure. I think I did. But I may have voted for Perot. It bothers me that I'm not sure.

strange dreams

there was a war
or something
so I was trying to get clothes
and extract protein from food
or maybe not just protein
maybe it was all nutrients
but all condensed into little globules


there was another part
where I was in a car
and I was traveling
and I was trying to figure out
where there was a restaurant
without letting my phone
find my location
because I didn't want them to know
 where I was


in another part
I was a teenager
in a family
we were evacuating
I was trying to figure out which socks
 were clean enough
there was a teenage boy
trying to attach himself to me
get rid of him my mom said
but
all the ways I could think of
to get him to go away
without causing us trouble
involved sex
and that was not allowed
so
I ended up doing something
I'm not even sure what it was
but I was washing the crotch of my pants
and trying to roll them in a towel
to dry them
so my mom
who was suspicious
wouldn't be able to tell


and then
something about extracting
sugar, or carbs
from food
the same as the protein from earlier

i think it was yesterday

I was driving home after work
I asked god
can you show me a sign
what does he think about our future together
the drive home is a little longer
because there I always traffic
but I just got about a mile down the road
and
CRACK
something hit my car so hard
I was afraid the window might shatter
well, that's definitely the sign
but
is that good
I mean
it kinda scared me
and had overtones of damage
it sounded like a large rock
but
I couldn't find any new scratches or dents
I remember being better
at interpreting signs
but
maybe I've never been very good at it

signs from god

i've been asking for signs
but
for a while now
I've been kinda depressed
and
stressed
so I'm feeling like I'm floating in space
not
connected to god and the energy and everything
so
a few weeks ago
before work became a hell
I asked for a sign
and my shoes squeaked all day
I couldn't figure out why
that had to be the sign
but
I have no idea what that means
so I asked again
could you maybe clarify that
I don't understand
the question had been
help me see
what i should do next
job-wise
am I supposed to be a fucking cobbler
I don't get it
so
the second day
I walked through a puddle
and my shoes squeaked for about 30 minutes
I'm still confused
idk


today
today I asked
show me something I need to see
and
on the way to work
which is only like a ten minute drive on a Saturday, so, like, no small feat
and
almost immediately
emergency vehicles
like everywhere
ambulances, fire trucks, I'm not sure what all
so
I'm like
ok
emergency
but
again
that isn't very specific
but
then I thought
maybe you are in trouble
maybe something is wrong
I've been pretty caught up in my unhappiness
and i haven't had much to offer you
so
I'm sorry


without knowing what's wrong
here's what I've got
I love you
you are beautiful
and i wouldn't change you in any way
I wish I knew what was going on
but
I'm having conversations with my supervisors
that I can't remember
but
it ended with him saying
stop saying whatever
and me saying why
whatever is my favorite word
and the other supervisor saying
it was my favorite word when I was in seventh grade
it's disrespectful
so
maybe I'm in a crisis
maybe the emergency is for me
I don't know


but baby
I'm doing the best that I can

i dreamed i was a viking

now
gotta say
a male Viking
and
there was more
actually
it was more like Thor
because I'm pretty sure
it was an alien planet
and
instead of a rainbow bridge
there was a frozen waterfall
that went around the whole planet
it was just me
and
an old man
who was my grandfatherly mentor
or whatever
he was ancient
and my only tie to Vikinghood
except
the young woman
who I was going to be sitting beneath the tree with, which was, I guess, their euphemism for
marriage

1987, we were twenty

and maybe this is nothing

but
there's been all this Selena
remembrance
and then
I think in my facebook feed
there was somebody
weeping over someone
who I didn't recognize
who I guess
died young
and i was all like
when
when is somebody
gonna weep
wail
remember the loss
of Rebecca Schaeffer


I still miss her
and it's like she was never there
and yeah
ok
she didn't do much yet
but
she would have

i'm having trouble

I'm sort of enraged
one of the vendors didn't show up
that's not why
I think there may be something wrong with me
and
when I was trying to figure out
which Saturday was the Saturday
before thanksgiving
I realized
that Saturday
is NEXT Saturday
I want
I want drinks in fruits with tiny umbrellas
I want foot massage
I want presents
lots and lots of them
I want sex that makes me scream
and a source of income that does not
I want fish
cooked in giant banana leaves
and pineapple charred on a grill
I want to lie naked in a tanning bed
the blue lights raising my mood
without burning
I think I got up to eight
or maybe ten minutes
when I did it before
it's not that I want to tan
I want to stay pale
it just feels good


I want new clothes
new perfume


I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning
I want
I want
I want

ok, if you think you might ever stop loving me

be sure and tell me
because, seriously
that's all that's holding me together
at all
right now
these people are idiots
I'm so stressed out about this weekend
book signing bullshit
no information
no communication
no body cares
I'm super stressed
because I feel some responsibility
Idk why


I hate this
all of this
and
I would happily just discorporate
not to have to deal with any of this
anymore


I don't really believe
we'll ever be really together
which makes me sad
and mad
and
a bunch of emotions
I don't have names for


but still
that you love me
and i love you
that's enough
that I'm not going to discorporate
but
if you think
you're ever likely to stop


I guess don't tell me
I don't want to have to run the numbers


I made bad life choices
and it's my own fault

and

for some reason
I think you're mad at me


I don't know why

mechanica

I dreamed that i needed
some kind of female surgery
oh
but I was young and hot looking
and
it was only gonna cost
three hundred dollars
but
they were gonna do it
and this was like standard medical procedure
outside
in like a mechanic bay
where men could just come by and watch
and
I was worried
about being molested
and
whether it was sanitary
and
whether they actually knew
what they were doing


but
it was cool that I didn't need insurance
and could afford the surgery

well, i know i said i was gonna do something fun

but
I didn't
I was too exhausted
and
not really in the mood for fun


but
I hope your day
was ok, ya know


I love you
I'm going to bed soon

i wish i could hug you and tell you it'll be ok

so imagine I'm hugging you
I'm imagining it too
now imagine that the country's not
goin to hell in a hand basket
and I'll imagine that too
good night sweetheart
this has been
a very long
horrible day
for me
I hope yours was at least a little better

i've been up 23 hours

I'm so so tired
but I had to
watch all that
I'm kinda numb
I didn't expect that

for tonight

panettone

just left work

good lord
that sucked
well
now let's see who wins the election
off tomorrow
must do something fun!

happy election day

I love you

i've gotta go in even earlier tomorrow

I love you baby

goodnight sweetheart

I have to go in
super early in the morning
I'm going to try
to have more magic

rainbow serpent

other than the quetz'l
the rainbow serpent
lives in my imagination
but
apparently
can claim me unbidden as well


I got those cards in the mail yesterday
and
after I had coffee this morning
my headache's a little better
there is this giant snake
going through walls
ceiling
bouncing off shit
like just filling everything
but
moving moving moving
constant motion in my peripherals
much faster than I'm vibe-ing
[fucking auto correct on my phone
gave me some shit on that one
apparently I'm committed to that word choice]

i telk you what

this week would not have been possible
which
I'm not entirely sure is a good thing
if I wasn't doing so so much better
before
I had to take my breaks
because
after two hours
I needed a break from the pain
and then
not so much the pain
but the fatigue
but
now
I'm just plowing right through
not quite like the old days
but
whatever
I'll take it


ALA
NAC
ALCAR
EGCG
biotin
horse chestnut
serrapeptase
glycine
in the morning


in the evening
replace biotin with magnesium
and horse chestnut with nattokinase

or, contrariwise

the world is going to hell
in a hand basket

i hope you're doing ok

I wish
I was
having nachos and margaritas with you
we could talk about your week
you could tell me
all the things
that pester you
and all the shining moments
and
we could get a little tipsy
and
realize that everything
is really really good
like happily ever after
and all that jazz

today was even worse

and
I didn't even get a lunch
to think unimpeded
I was angry
I had plans for something
but
I found
even after I came home
I just couldn't work on it


I'm sorry baby
my life is not great right now


I wanted to do something
with cards
write something


I love you
goodnight

i woke up so thirsty

I can't remember ever being this thirsty
I don't know what's up
probably dehydrated
but
I'm not sure that usually prompts thirst
it should
but
I'm not sure it does
I dreamed I had two cars
and i was trying to figure out
how to take one in and drive the other
and still get to work on time


not sure what that means
love you
more later

so i didn't leave there until after 6

and I just woke up from a nap
hope you're having a wonderful day
I'm gonna go drink some coffee

this is not going well

and I am super stressed out
when I get home
I'm going right to bed

i'm afraid i didn't get an actual story, but

I did get some good stuff
the part of my brain that could have
actually constructed
was busy fuming
because they scheduled me
for time when there wouldn't be a manager there, even though I specifically asked
and they did some other shit
that i won't go into
but
I was mad
so
no construction


but
drinking something
walking out my door
the sky cycling through
quickly
sunrise to sunset
constant wash of color
from pink to gold to orange to purple
pink to gold orange to purple
til I get to a campfire and a tent
we meet there
the tent is large
tall
tipi or Yuri like
and
it's very psychedelic
like
I always think of the scene with the Indian
from natural born killers
words projected
on the fabric of the walls
on your flesh
I don't know what the words are
what they mean
only
that I want to know
and
we drink something else
and
we embrace
and
we burst into flames
and
we dance, closely
and the flames become an abstract thing
arching in patterns of incredible beauty
but nothing else catches fire
it's only us