i had planned to write today

but
I'm doing those overnight
promo change thingies next week
and I had to cook
and blah blah
and I have to
go to sleep
now
so
I'm thinking of you
but
I don't know what
I'll get written
I love you though
and
I almost know what I'm gonna write
and
I guess that's something
*kissing you*

i hope you aren't thinking i'm unhappy

or upset
or whatever
and
I haven't forgotten
that I need to write you something
I love you
sweetness

such weird dreams, but i can't remember them

except
there was this one
I became an assistant manager
so
a nightmare, really
I need to figure this out
because
it seems like it's becoming a theme
bleh

I love you
good morning

good morning sweetheart

hope everything is beautiful
I have a cold
last night
I fantasized that you rubbed my lower back
and said
no babe
you don't look a day over thirty
*smile*

i just saw a swarm of dragonflies

I've never seen more than two
at one time
ever
I wo der what that means

i hope that wasn't too freaky

you're meant to like it
not to be upset
and
it wasn't going to be
that sexual
but
I had that licking dream
except it wasn't pasha
I've only got a sketchy image of pasha
in my head but
she's got white hair
and the chick in the dream didn't
so
that inspired the more sexual nature
of the surreal meso american
dreamscape
I toyed with
making it specifically
ayhuasca, but
I wasn't sure
I wanted to develop her
psychological issues that far
anyway
hope you liked it

i love you baby

I hope you're healthy and happy
and that everything
is beautiful in your world
I appreciate your patience
I should get some time to write today

i haven't forgotten

I've been busy
meeting at work yesterday
researching thing to do with mom
trying to wrap up loose ends
today I'm working
and then I'm off, like and their off
so
I have all these ideas
for what I'm writing
but
I don't want to let it get away
from the original story
and I just need to be able to focus
which I haven't
but
I'm leaning a little surreal
and I'm excited about it
I love you
lambchop

i made cream of mushroom soup for the very first time

with soy milk, no less
and
it's really good
I mean, I used some vegetable bouillon
I didn't spend hours building broth
but
really
I like it as well as anything I ever got in a restaurant
potato starch is awesome

I'm sort of crazy proud of myself
my mom used to make this casserole
with chicken, rice, and cream of mushroom soup
campbell's soup
and I have been craving that
I just have to figure out the chicken now
because, of course, no chicken
but something else
but the important part
is the mushroom soup and rice

I love you

stuff i didn't mention before

it was my original idea
that the book of letters
be
more or less
in real time
but
I've been busy
and super not into it
and now it's gone too long
I not only have to decide what to reveal
I also have to make up some plausible in the
why the heck hasn't she written dept
and the way I am naturally
I'm all like:
well, it's ruined, just move on to the next idea

I'm gonna try not to do that

I love you

i just want to talk to you tonight

so
i'm doing that thing with my mom again this year
and i booked the spa today
i have been extra tired
and i slept late
but i booked it

she wanted a facial and a massage
and i thought about getting that too
but
the idea
didn't appeal to me
being naked
being touched
i wasn't sure how i'd handle it

isn't that weird

i mean
i want a massage, sure
but i don't

so
what i decided i could handle
was a more extended facial
where they rub your scalp and neck and shoulders
and
reflexology

i've been feeling you today
i'm not sure what's going on with you
but
it's been arousing
and i'm going to bed soon
and baby
i don't even know
but
you and me

i was gonna write the next letter today

that was my plan
but
i had to go to the store
i cooked up lunches for the week
it took forever
but
i'm pretty happy about the results

i've been having this craving for squash casserole
and macaroni and cheese
so i made that for lunches
and greens

but i put a spin on it
the macaroni and cheese is vegan and gluten free
i've made it before
but i think i must have had different noodles
because these kinda cooked away
so it's just a mass of tastiness
but it doesn't look very good

the squash casserole was more of a challenge
it should be summer squash
which should be in season, you'd think
but they didn't have any at the store
so i got butternut and acorn both and blended them
and i would have just used bread crumbs
but that's not gluten free
so i decided to make cornbread
so that was my first experiment with coconut and millet flour
that was gluten free, but not vegan
it wasn't pretty either
i don't know if it was the chia seeds, or what
but the color was weird
i basically made squash dressing
and instead of cheese
i mixed buttermilk and nutritional yeast
it came out really nice

and
it's hatch chile time
so
have to come up with some ideas for that

i thought about you all day
but not about the book
just you, ya know

i hope my drunken ramblings didn't freak you out
they weren't supposed to be all maudlin
i was drinking to celebrate
but then, ya know, i want you

and tonight
i want you again
if you can meet me in dream land
maybe we can have adventures

i'm not going to write you fiction tonight, tonight i'm going to write drunk ramblings

i've had this crazy fantasy, lately
slow dancing with you
just holding you and swaying

i don't know

i don't know why that's what i want

i don't remember the last time i did that with anyone

maybe i'm just feeling
sentimental

i know
maybe
all the things you might want me to know
but

don't quit me
i'm a little drunk

my resolution is always to drink more
but i bought an enormous bottle when i had my little break down
years ago
and it's still almost full
and today
i had the lowest threshold pain day i can remember
like for months
i frlt able to walk to the mexican restaurant after working all day
less pain than i had been having after only a couple hours working
and i got the fancy floated shot margaritas

i thought about july july
and i still don't think i'm like those people
but
i tell you
that chronic pain was getting to me
and
i ate some flour tortilla chips
and
if i wake up in pain tomorrow
that'll be the end of wheat
and
i still miss chicken

and
it's happy happy blood time
and i'm sobbing at true blood
which is especially good this season
but i don't think i'm current yet

i guess it's mortality i'm feeling
thinking about the mid-wilshire hotel where i stayed
those times i was there
rooms open with keys
and the times i've imagined living there
winning the lottery
spending six months writing in a mid century modern hotel
kinda dingy
and
seriously you probably don't approve of mid-wilshire

but
there is a part of my brain
that equates it to the long ass street in my town
where my life has seemed to center
in one way and another
for a lot of my life
and
wilshire is the only place i've really felt comfortable
like
it's safe you know
within the city proper

i don't really know what i'm talking about
i don't know
if doors are opening
or closing
as long
as my mother
is never right
i'm okay

i love you
and i am imagining
the way you arms feel
the way you press against me
the touch of your lips
warm and moist against mine

things aren't complicated, and expensive

there's you and me
dancing in the moonlight
there's the dancing
and the making love, after
and
in my fantasy
there's the sleeping, your arms around me
like i've never done with anyone else
there's the waking up
together
and how you look in the moments between sleep and waking

and
all the reasons
that probably won't happen
just don't matter to me right now

tonight
you belong to me

a few words about what i'm doing: puttin it in a box

normally
I don't like to explain what I'm doing
but
I realized
it's not fair
you have to know what I'm doing

well, I'm writing you a book

it can't be about us
and it can't be about our story
because
our story isn't far enough along
I don't know too many things
and
it's limiting trying not to make up things
that then become you
when maybe you aren't like that

so
I'm writing you a work of fiction

I told shoes that I thought I maybe had
an even bigger problem with structure than I thought
could she recommend a good book on structure
and do you know what she told me
she told me to re read pride and prejudice and diagram it
SERIOUSLY??!!!!! @#%~
I hate that book
and another thing
of course you CAN sing NG
the spend an inordinate about of time with kids choirs teaching them not to
because it is so natural and fun
I was in kids choirs
I know these things

that other one told me
that to create a memorable narrator
you have to explain them enough
that the reader understands
who they are and what's going on
which caused me quite a bit of stress

but
mr I hate cats
he said you CAN break the rules
if you CAN

so
I'm totally playing with it
it's all going to be letters
I'm not 100% sure that they are all to rodrigo
Rodrigo is not you, he will include
traits and behaviors that you may not possess
so I'm more free there
clementine is not me
ditto
but
the really cool thing
is
I'm playing with the reader, you
you don't know where she is
why she there
Rodrigo does, but you don't
and I'm playing with the reveal
in ways hopefully
that give that sense of uncertainty
that I always wanted in our story
that I could never figure out how to write

but
I have a whole other thing
that you may be guessing
that I don't want to spoil

this is NOT just doing the same thing with another name
this is a whole new game

fruits and veggies

I dreamed
last night
that I was working at a grocery store
I was stocking procuce

click the link

this is not really ready for viewing

it needs to be styled
and whatnot
but
it's an idea
that i've been kicking around
blah blah blah
click the link

i just fell asleep on the sofa, in a bad position for my back and neck, slept like 5-6 hours anx had crazy dreans

the last one before I woke up
I was at the dentist
who looked like the shop guy from Ridgefield
he tried to put some old funky pliers in my mouth
I pulled myself out of the chair
which was difficult
I seemed to be drugged
I walked out in the lobby
I picked up something to use as a weapon
he came out
with this giant snake made of snakes
they were cartoon looking
and they were phallic
and I think they were supposed to be leeches

the dentist
I said
is a place of extreme physical stress for me
we are not going to play that way
I don't know you for shit
and I don't know what you might do

the big worm thing moved towards me
each worm thing wiggled
the larger gestalt creature
undulated toward me
I saw that the dentist had a stick
like a broomstick
with an obvious dildo on the end of it
some kind of weird carrot and stick, I guess

I woke up
I'd say, probably a sex dream
but not a good one
I have felt lately
stressed
about a variety of things
and
well
sex
want