this illustrates my point

cypress, white pine, and now, bamboo sap

i've been having these long complicated dreams
and as i'm waking up
i'm thinking
i got to remember that
but then it's gone, and i can't tell you about it

i went to the mall
and there are these super aggressive cart people
they try to rope you in
and
i don't want to buy their stuff
i mean
i probably do
but i don't
and i don't want them to waste my time

but
it's hard not to engage with them

at one point
this guy is handing me a sample sachet
and i'm saying

no no no

are you using anything on those pimples

he asks about my basically healing cystic acne under my jaw
which probably wouldn't be visible if i could just not pick at it

yes

i can't stop now
i'm on a mission

i'm going to buy skin care
he's selling skin care
but
he is israeli
and
if i let him talk to me
i will end up with a charge i can't afford to pay
and an entire new line of dead sea skin care
which i will love and use happily
but which i do not need
because
i am using a bunch of korean skin care
which i have spent almost a year refining and whittling down
to just the key items
that i am super happy with

but
for some reason
israeli sales people
[at least the ones i've met so far]
have some hypnotic power over me
and the whole sales process
becomes
somehow
sexual


spending a bunch of money
the inevitable
outcome

i bought my first amore pacific item

abstract of of a whirlwind

snatch
a snatch of conversation
whispers
around the edges
memorial of dreams
i try to coax
from random memory

over the top
crawling across
good
to the last
drop

it's the darndest thing

you remember that beer i couldn't get

well
hmmmm
what is the best order to tell this story

i had asked for a sign
i been asking, most days
and i'm sure i get em
but i don't know how to interpret em, apparently

this one either

he comes waltzing in, like 10 minutes before i'm supposed to get off work
and he's all like:
i am exhausted from all the hoops i had to jump through
but i got you a case

we'll see if it shows up tomorrow

and, i mean, realistically
one case is symbolic

but
really
what is that a sign of



you
sound happy
by the way

everybody at work is sick

i cannot get sick
i'm going to bank some extra sleep
if you can join me at the campfire
we can have coffee in the dreaming

if not
i'm not dodging you

love
e.

i slept late

and when i woke up
i both had a headache
and
felt the need to cry, lightly
not hard body wracking sobs
just kind of water leaking from the eyes
but
it has continued throughout the day today

i don't know
somehow
my spelling all that out
made me feel a loss

i don't know
if i didn't want you to know that stuff
or
if i wanted you to know it
and now
admitting to myself
that you probably don't
somehow means
that, again, no one understands me
or
if it's just the poetry is diminished for me, somehow

but
i do feel
that it's somehow related to what i wrote yesterday

i just feel, sad

i'm going to bed

i thought about not telling you
but
i don't know whether that's the right or wrong thing to do now

and
i'm crying again, fuck

I gotta stop naming these "thoughts"

today would have been my grandmother's 96th birthday
or maybe i'm wrong about that
maybe it's
well
plus or minus two years
i can't make the math right for the triangulation facts

i finally got my recorded reading from the astrologer
it wasn't really what i wanted

she spent a lot of time talking about:
when i see x in a natal chart
it means co dependency issues
blah blah blah
when i see these signs
or these houses
in the north and south nodes
and you have both
blah blah blah

boundary issues

REALLY??!!

YA THINK??!!!

come on
don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs
i know from my boundary issues

it made me mad

i've been working on em intense like for
i don't even know
and i'm having weekly visits with my mom, remember

but
she doesn't know that
and i did say:
whatever resonates

so i have absolutely no room to complain
she gave me some book learnin i could work on
and, hell, maybe i should do it
it's not like i'm completely fixed

her point was
that i'm right
there's big stuff coming up in my transits
and, to make the most of them, i really should get fixed

only
it was kinda interesting, what she actually said

we are all made up of electromagnetic energy
and
when we have boundary issues
it tears holes in our energy fields
and then the electromagnetic energy from the transits
it hits us on one side
and just passes right through and out
and we don't get to keep any of the good energy in our field


she also said
that
even though i have capricorn in my chart
because of the degrees [or something]
they are sitting in the house of aquarius
so
i'm just all kinda detached and think-y

plus
i really need to start my own business, apparently
my north node says it is like a destiny thing or something

she didn't spend any real time explaining the things i'd like to have had explained
and a lot, really a lot on the not so much

apparently 2014 is my jupiter return
in the house of babies

and
in the near future
[again no specifics--  a few years]
pluto will be sitting--  right smack on
my mercury
but it's pluto all round for like seventeen years
but
when pluto was on her mercury
she became a writing machine which has never left her
and now she's written a bunch of books she wants to sell me

that's not fair
she gave me a list of resources
only one of which was hers
but then
she gave me hers
which she must have decided to do after she pitched it to me
ostensibly because i was so patient
which i don't think i was, just especially
i just didn't bitch to her


one of my vendors at work
was telling me i couldn't get this one kind of beer
which everybody wants
and it's local
but
i can't get it
and he's all like:  it's not my fault
and i'm like:  i'm not saying it's your fault
i'm saying who ya gotta sleep with to get this damn beer
apparently
send paperwork to the brewery and distributor
NOW for NEXT YEAR
from corporate

well, shit, that might as well be an act of congress

so
i'm all like:
well how bout i just stop carrying all their beers
if i can't get the ones people really want to buy

oh
but that would just be hurting yourself

no, not really
they can buy that anywhere
i can use the space

oh
well
that would hurt me, then
it's not my fault
people are always chewing me out about this

i don't think i am chewing you out especially
but
if you like i can start chewing you out
and then you'd be able to see if you could tell the difference

like, seriously
ever since i got this new guy
every time i see him
i tell him i want this stupid, limited edition beer
that everybody is ape shit crazy for
and he says:   ____ more weeks
this is the first time i'm getting this triplicate paperwork bullshit

and i did not mention that

everything i was saying was directed at the brewery

sheesh

and i know that's bullshit, anyway

i had a fill-in, temporary, sales rep get me two cases of one of the limited edition brews
they have an allocation
and i'm not willing to be nasty enough to get part of his allocation

so
whatever


i mostly feel like i somehow cheated myself
because through however i answered her questions
i gave her room to think that i wanted advice on how to fix my life
when i was trying specifically
not to get advice

i wanted expert information, yes
but, ya know, the kind she was qualified to give me
and i guess i don't really feel like that's what i got

also
she said that my chart was at odds with itself

and i guess i took a little umbrage with that
because i had just decided that it was beautiful
how the different parts
balanced and completed me
without my really needing anything or anybody to give me balance

and what i wanted
was a sense of how that balanced integrated whole
was affected by major upcoming transits
and
that didn't seem to be at all what i got

so
maybe
maybe my mistake was
i didn't paint her a picture
i didn't make her see me and know me
and feel what i wanted and needed from her
so that she could give me what i wanted
i was
withholding
because i didn't want to lead and bias her
and she mistook that for being closed off

i told her i didn't feel good about giving her all this information
and i didn't want advice about my freaky life-style choices
and she
for some reason
took that to mean that
i thought she was judging me
would maybe try to cause problems for me
[she told me my information was safe with her]

but
to be honest
i really don't care
not even a little whether she judges me
i never really care about that
i mean, i don't want to hear a bunch of blah blah judgy-ness
but
ya know
think what ya want

the fact that i don't know what i want to be when i grow up
might mean
that i have boundary issues
so that i can't separate myself from others enough to know what i want
but
i don't think that's how my boundary issues work

i think
my lack of direction professionally
stems from my ambivalence about the things i'd have to do
to do the things i want to do
i think
i always can see just a little too much
about the ugly irritating under-belly
and it stops me from being able to commit myself fully
plus
money
and issues

and besides
what i'm doing right now
that's a job i can do
that lets me earn not really enough money
but i have time to devote to you

i'm kind of a recovering work-a-holic
if i got a good job
there would be no time for you

and
i know you don't think so
but actually
you have been my priority
well, after my boundary preservation, i guess
because
there have been things
that i think
you have wanted me to do
[maybe i'm wrong]
that would have fucked me up, bad
if they didn't go well
and there was absolutely no logical reason to think they would
just from the observable facts

maybe you don't see my perspective
or maybe you just saw what you wanted
or maybe you were a little bit in denial
i may not have all the facts

i have loved you
with a commitment that startles me
fully aware that i may be fabricating the relationship
in whole or in part
and can never really know which

the level of uncertainty
caused me a lot of stress, for years
and, as a consequence, i have periodically questioned my motives
what am i getting out of this
is this a sign of poor self esteem
is this a sign of a larger issue with choosing someone emotionally unavailable
but
i've never really seen you as emotionally unavailable

when i see you as whipped
[which i try really hard not to]
it is a big turn off
but i have seen you as locked in
even before you were locked in
which is why i had to drive away
if i had stayed
and ended up living under a bridge
i would have only have had myself to blame
and i would have lost respect for myself
so i couldn't

and i don't have a lot of money
so i don't have the ability to follow you around the way i did

and
i'm sure you had your reasons
but
you kinda took away the dream
of my being the one
and i didn't really want to follow you around
you hurt me
and you made me mad, really really really mad

and why did i love you anyway
what the fuck was wrong with me

and the answer is
i just love you
i don't love you because of, like reasons
i just love you
but
i don't completely trust you
and
i know you love me
i just know that
but
i'm not sure why
why you need me
or what you need me for

and
i'm not sure how long
i planned to keep my life open, hanging
while i figure it all out
you being part of it

if i felt really called to something big
would i have faded away into the woodwork
i honestly don't know how to answer that

you
you are the big thing i felt called to
and i have poured myself into you like you were a calling from god
which is kinda how i have felt about it

but
i don't know what god ultimately wants
maybe
maybe i helped you get back on track
or
maybe i inspired you
and maybe that is all i was supposed to do, ya know
if that's the case
i have to be okay with that
that's the deal i made with god when i was a little girl

contrariwise
maybe
maybe this is a journey for me
maybe i have imagined you from the beginning
maybe this whole thing is to lead me to what i'm supposed to do
[i don't actually believe that i've imagined you
or our relationship to one another
but if that's the case
i have to deal with it and complete the mission]

and if it turns out that i'm crazy
then
i'm a failure
but not before that
because this is a process
this part of my life
where i become
i don't know what yet

but
oh dear god, yes
there is escapism
rampant through this whole, whatever it is i'm doing
but
it is creative escapism
is is not from thanatos



william shatner
[stay with me, this is not as random as it seems]
i listened to one of his books on a long road trip
he talked about how
he has never had a plan
except to leave himself open to things, basically
and
that, if he had a plan, he really would never have done
any of the things that have made his career
but
since he was open to whatever
he's had some good adventures

and that is what i'm doing
although
i didn't have that as a plan
i guess i do now

i have stuff i need
and
some of it isn't negotiable
but
i'm responsible to me for that
and i have boundaries
and
you may not have liked them
but
you had
at every point along the way
the ability to change the equation
so
if it hasn't been exactly the ride you've wanted
there's that whole tango-ing business


just do me a favor
if
if you at any point
did anything
to punish me
[and i'm not saying you did]

think
think really hard
if that's the kind of thing
that you can promise yourself
that you will never do again
and, if you can promise that, then lie to me about it

because
i never ever want to be with someone who would punish me
i've done that, i think
and
it's a boundary, going forward

that is the one thing
the thing i thought
that i couldn't think
about you
and
i don't believe it
but
it pulls, a little, sometimes
does that make any kind of sense to you


am i done with this entry

what is he gonna think of all that

am i capable of having a mature relationship

should i be concerned that it chose the cat people tarot to answer that question

is there anything you want to tell me in conclusion


last night
i dreamed about snow
and car chases
and stuff i don't remember
and
a santa suit

i have no idea


should i even post this at all

i love you

i've been getting 9 of wands
quite a bit, lately
and
that is a card that seems to vary quite a bit
from deck to deck
it has
kind of a girding of the loins
before battle
vibe
but
in some decks
there is a
those who are about to die salute you vibe
and in some
it is more about the courage before
what might very well be
ya know
henry the fifth-ish

so then
i have this deck
i think i mentioned
or maybe i just meant to
is hard to read
but
for some reason i was called to read with it anyway
and i asked:
what will be different
the next time i see him
because
there has been a certain element of
painful consistency

and
that's not completely fair, maybe
but
this is in my head, ya know
so, anyway
i got this card
which i wasn't sure quite how to interpret at first
but
i have decided now
how i am going to interpret it, anyway
but
then i realized that it is the 9 of wands, too

and that just
made me
wonder

how to interpret the larger pattern

anyway
no matter what it all ultimately means
i love you

thoughts

in the same way
that you change tarot cards over time
i do too, except
mine tend to change
based on the question
or your feelings
or whatever
mostly

but
right now, mostly
i am showing up as the high priestess

although
either today
or yesterday
i actually got
the high priestess, the star, and the empress
as well as the frog mother card
although
i'm not saying that they all represented me
i just thought it was odd
or cool
or both

happy happy blood time

BLAST FURNACE

i keep trying to think of things to tell you today
and i'm not having trouble
trying to think of them
they're tumbling out
smothering each other

but the one that chews it's way to the top is
BLAST FURNACE

it really wasn't that hot today

90 said my phone
real feel 93
nothing

but
you'd go outside
and it was like the surface of the sun

and
i had no traffic
zip, zap i'm there
i stopped, got gas, drove pointlessly around
filling the time with driving that was supposed to be drive time
until, finally, i said
this is stupid, i said

i parked, windows down
i'll just wait
i use the google
i look up the weather where you are
where i think, you are
i do that, sometimes
i got a whole list on my phone
plus
some places i want to go
and
taipei

taipei was pre programmed
and by the time i got around to deleting it
i realized
it's almost always raining
in taipei
when
my phone, gives me
the weather
it plays it out for me
so i get

raindrops and lightning and thunder

taipei stays

and it's still hurricane season
tracking the gulf
but there's been a little fall, just a little
this has been a mild season
nothing at all to complain about
and complain'n well that never does any good anyway
summer didn't even start till may

but today
i was sitting in the car
actually kind of enjoying sweating
i mean, seriously pouring sweat, maybe it will dislodge blocked pores

no
it's getting creepy obsessive with the skin
i closed the window
and sat there with the air conditioner running

i can't remember what i thought

that's weird, right

it wasn't just me, the heat
everybody noticed it

have you been out there

in the night kitchen

when i was a kid
my dad used to tell me:

i almost choked to death last night eating cheese and peanut butter

seriously, like a lot


so
for some reason
[not doing myself a mischief]
i just realized, the other night
i have no idea why that would be a desirable thing
it always sounded disgusting
but
i never liked peanut butter
but
now
no stranger to the night kitchen myself apparently
was about to eat a spoon of peanut butter

ok
possibly more than one spoon

when that thought entered my mind
i had cheese
i had tillamook cheddar
and i thought, hmmmmmmm
still doesn't sound good

but
this was
apparently
something my father was willing to rick his life for
regularly

and suddenly i had to know

this was jif
i don't know what my father ate
i vaguely think skippy

the peanut butter
totally drowns out the taste of the cheese

i tried a tiny bit of peanut butter
it still drowned it out

the texture
was good
something in the pleasure level of say
new york cheese cake

but
how much, at a time
must he have needed
to almost choke

and, of course, meta chimes in
why
did he feel the need to tell you about it

i'm in a weird mood

maybe it's pms
but i'm not sure
i'm off cycle again, i think
maybe
it's trying to re calibrate
so that it'll be at the right place at the right time
or
maybe not

maybe i'm just a little late
but
there's a desperate angst
that has no real source

i'm trying to decide between going out and trying to have an adventure
or
staying in and trying to have an inner journey

i tweaked my back a little sleeping
it's just like a back rib attachment or something
i've been trying to stretch it
and it's better
but
maybe it would be easier to fix
if it were like a pop-able situation

i wish
there was some big insight coming
i paid money to get my chart done
and i'm kind of regretting it
i haven't got it yet

but she asked these questions
which i answered, vaguely
unconventionally
and then
in the notes
i felt compelled to add:

i feel weird about telling you all this stuff.  i don't want personal advice on how to handle my freaky life-style choices.  i feel like my life is about to  shift somehow, but i don't know how.  maybe i'm still just having a mid-life crisis or maybe there's something cosmic going on.  i want to know which way the wind is blowing, if that makes sense. am i in a saturn return? is there some area i should be working on?  what resonates for me?  and i'm not sure what period of time we will be talking about here.  i just felt like i was supposed to get a reading from you at this particular point in time.  does that make sense?

because it's been like a month
of email and waiting
and
blah blah blah
and
i no longer feel like it was a good idea
but it did seem like something i was supposed to do
at the time

i was talking to the guy who said before i'm like yoda
about jehovah witnesses
and
in the course of door to door missionaries
i brought up mormons

but
i told him
i think the function
within the organization is totally different
of the mission, i mean

mormons have a brief period of mission
between high school and college
and it is my belief
that this serves
more to cement them
get the desire to question
out of their heads
so that
when they rejoin mormon society
they are cleared to move up the chain
and learn whatever all those
levels of secrets are

also
that it has an
us against them
effect

kinda like
[i'm not implying an us against them mentality in pesach]
how
at pesach you are supposed to experience "i was a slave in egypt"

the mission
psychologically reinterprets
and the end of the mission reenacts
the symbolic journey to the great salt lake

and
i didn't go into that much depth
but
it didn't seem all that complicated or deep

but
he said:
wow, you really think about the psychology of things


which, i guess, means that other people don't


so
i guess
we'll see

sometimes
when i'm all cryptic and not up
i feel like it's better for me not to talk to you
because
i believe you have certain things you need from me
and i try very hard to give them to you
and
i don't really feel like this is what you want/need

maybe i'm wrong