today would have been my grandmother's 96th birthday
or maybe i'm wrong about that
maybe it's
well
plus or minus two years
i can't make the math right for the triangulation facts
i finally got my recorded reading from the astrologer
it wasn't really what i wanted
she spent a lot of time talking about:
when i see x in a natal chart
it means co dependency issues
blah blah blah
when i see these signs
or these houses
in the north and south nodes
and you have both
blah blah blah
boundary issues
REALLY??!!
YA THINK??!!!
come on
don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs
i know from my boundary issues
it made me mad
i've been working on em intense like for
i don't even know
and i'm having weekly visits with my mom, remember
but
she doesn't know that
and i did say:
whatever resonates
so i have absolutely no room to complain
she gave me some book learnin i could work on
and, hell, maybe i should do it
it's not like i'm completely fixed
her point was
that i'm right
there's big stuff coming up in my transits
and, to make the most of them, i really should get fixed
only
it was kinda interesting, what she actually said
we are all made up of electromagnetic energy
and
when we have boundary issues
it tears holes in our energy fields
and then the electromagnetic energy from the transits
it hits us on one side
and just passes right through and out
and we don't get to keep any of the good energy in our field
she also said
that
even though i have capricorn in my chart
because of the degrees [or something]
they are sitting in the house of aquarius
so
i'm just all kinda detached and think-y
plus
i really need to start my own business, apparently
my north node says it is like a destiny thing or something
she didn't spend any real time explaining the things i'd like to have had explained
and a lot, really a lot on the not so much
apparently 2014 is my jupiter return
in the house of babies
and
in the near future
[again no specifics-- a few years]
pluto will be sitting-- right smack on
my mercury
but it's pluto all round for like seventeen years
but
when pluto was on her mercury
she became a writing machine which has never left her
and now she's written a bunch of books she wants to sell me
that's not fair
she gave me a list of resources
only one of which was hers
but then
she gave me hers
which she must have decided to do after she pitched it to me
ostensibly because i was so patient
which i don't think i was, just especially
i just didn't bitch to her
one of my vendors at work
was telling me i couldn't get this one kind of beer
which everybody wants
and it's local
but
i can't get it
and he's all like: it's not my fault
and i'm like: i'm not saying it's your fault
i'm saying who ya gotta sleep with to get this damn beer
apparently
send paperwork to the brewery and distributor
NOW for NEXT YEAR
from corporate
well, shit, that might as well be an act of congress
so
i'm all like:
well how bout i just stop carrying all their beers
if i can't get the ones people really want to buy
oh
but that would just be hurting yourself
no, not really
they can buy that anywhere
i can use the space
oh
well
that would hurt me, then
it's not my fault
people are always chewing me out about this
i don't think i am chewing you out especially
but
if you like i can start chewing you out
and then you'd be able to see if you could tell the difference
like, seriously
ever since i got this new guy
every time i see him
i tell him i want this stupid, limited edition beer
that everybody is ape shit crazy for
and he says: ____ more weeks
this is the first time i'm getting this triplicate paperwork bullshit
and i did not mention that
everything i was saying was directed at the brewery
sheesh
and i know that's bullshit, anyway
i had a fill-in, temporary, sales rep get me two cases of one of the limited edition brews
they have an allocation
and i'm not willing to be nasty enough to get part of his allocation
so
whatever
i mostly feel like i somehow cheated myself
because through however i answered her questions
i gave her room to think that i wanted advice on how to fix my life
when i was trying specifically
not to get advice
i wanted expert information, yes
but, ya know, the kind she was qualified to give me
and i guess i don't really feel like that's what i got
also
she said that my chart was at odds with itself
and i guess i took a little umbrage with that
because i had just decided that it was beautiful
how the different parts
balanced and completed me
without my really needing anything or anybody to give me balance
and what i wanted
was a sense of how that balanced integrated whole
was affected by major upcoming transits
and
that didn't seem to be at all what i got
so
maybe
maybe my mistake was
i didn't paint her a picture
i didn't make her see me and know me
and feel what i wanted and needed from her
so that she could give me what i wanted
i was
withholding
because i didn't want to lead and bias her
and she mistook that for being closed off
i told her i didn't feel good about giving her all this information
and i didn't want advice about my freaky life-style choices
and she
for some reason
took that to mean that
i thought she was judging me
would maybe try to cause problems for me
[she told me my information was safe with her]
but
to be honest
i really don't care
not even a little whether she judges me
i never really care about that
i mean, i don't want to hear a bunch of blah blah judgy-ness
but
ya know
think what ya want
the fact that i don't know what i want to be when i grow up
might mean
that i have boundary issues
so that i can't separate myself from others enough to know what i want
but
i don't think that's how my boundary issues work
i think
my lack of direction professionally
stems from my ambivalence about the things i'd have to do
to do the things i want to do
i think
i always can see just a little too much
about the ugly irritating under-belly
and it stops me from being able to commit myself fully
plus
money
and issues
and besides
what i'm doing right now
that's a job i can do
that lets me earn not really enough money
but i have time to devote to you
i'm kind of a recovering work-a-holic
if i got a good job
there would be no time for you
and
i know you don't think so
but actually
you have been my priority
well, after my boundary preservation, i guess
because
there have been things
that i think
you have wanted me to do
[maybe i'm wrong]
that would have fucked me up, bad
if they didn't go well
and there was absolutely no logical reason to think they would
just from the observable facts
maybe you don't see my perspective
or maybe you just saw what you wanted
or maybe you were a little bit in denial
i may not have all the facts
i have loved you
with a commitment that startles me
fully aware that i may be fabricating the relationship
in whole or in part
and can never really know which
the level of uncertainty
caused me a lot of stress, for years
and, as a consequence, i have periodically questioned my motives
what am i getting out of this
is this a sign of poor self esteem
is this a sign of a larger issue with choosing someone emotionally unavailable
but
i've never really seen you as emotionally unavailable
when i see you as whipped
[which i try really hard not to]
it is a big turn off
but i have seen you as locked in
even before you were locked in
which is why i had to drive away
if i had stayed
and ended up living under a bridge
i would have only have had myself to blame
and i would have lost respect for myself
so i couldn't
and i don't have a lot of money
so i don't have the ability to follow you around the way i did
and
i'm sure you had your reasons
but
you kinda took away the dream
of my being the one
and i didn't really want to follow you around
you hurt me
and you made me mad, really really really mad
and why did i love you anyway
what the fuck was wrong with me
and the answer is
i just love you
i don't love you because of, like reasons
i just love you
but
i don't completely trust you
and
i know you love me
i just know that
but
i'm not sure why
why you need me
or what you need me for
and
i'm not sure how long
i planned to keep my life open, hanging
while i figure it all out
you being part of it
if i felt really called to something big
would i have faded away into the woodwork
i honestly don't know how to answer that
you
you are the big thing i felt called to
and i have poured myself into you like you were a calling from god
which is kinda how i have felt about it
but
i don't know what god ultimately wants
maybe
maybe i helped you get back on track
or
maybe i inspired you
and maybe that is all i was supposed to do, ya know
if that's the case
i have to be okay with that
that's the deal i made with god when i was a little girl
contrariwise
maybe
maybe this is a journey for me
maybe i have imagined you from the beginning
maybe this whole thing is to lead me to what i'm supposed to do
[i don't actually believe that i've imagined you
or our relationship to one another
but if that's the case
i have to deal with it and complete the mission]
and if it turns out that i'm crazy
then
i'm a failure
but not before that
because this is a process
this part of my life
where i become
i don't know what yet
but
oh dear god, yes
there is escapism
rampant through this whole, whatever it is i'm doing
but
it is creative escapism
is is not from thanatos
william shatner
[stay with me, this is not as random as it seems]
i listened to one of his books on a long road trip
he talked about how
he has never had a plan
except to leave himself open to things, basically
and
that, if he had a plan, he really would never have done
any of the things that have made his career
but
since he was open to whatever
he's had some good adventures
and that is what i'm doing
although
i didn't have that as a plan
i guess i do now
i have stuff i need
and
some of it isn't negotiable
but
i'm responsible to me for that
and i have boundaries
and
you may not have liked them
but
you had
at every point along the way
the ability to change the equation
so
if it hasn't been exactly the ride you've wanted
there's that whole tango-ing business
just do me a favor
if
if you at any point
did anything
to punish me
[and i'm not saying you did]
think
think really hard
if that's the kind of thing
that you can promise yourself
that you will never do again
and, if you can promise that, then lie to me about it
because
i never ever want to be with someone who would punish me
i've done that, i think
and
it's a boundary, going forward
that is the one thing
the thing i thought
that i couldn't think
about you
and
i don't believe it
but
it pulls, a little, sometimes
does that make any kind of sense to you
am i done with this entry
what is he gonna think of all that
am i capable of having a mature relationship
should i be concerned that it chose the cat people tarot to answer that question
is there anything you want to tell me in conclusion
last night
i dreamed about snow
and car chases
and stuff i don't remember
and
a santa suit
i have no idea
should i even post this at all
