paris review

i was in the barnes & noble
i don't usually go there
but today i just got a wild hair, and that's where i ended up

i checked out the news stand
because
the way you like the newspaper
i enjoy magazines, journals really
and i haven't read a magazine since i don't know when
or read a book
i'm a little too a.d.d.
or i couldn't really see
or
something

anyway
i decided
in that sort of sudden and solid way
that sometimes overtakes me
that i want to read the paris review
like from now on
and
this issue is the 60th anniversary issue

i think i've been picking it up
and then putting it back
for 30 of those 60
enough
already
i bought it

i haven't read it yet
but
i looked to see who the interview
was mark leyner

i don't know mark leyner
and i thought it would be fun
like an awesome tie in
for my first time reading the paris review
to read a book by the interviewee
his newest [2012] is the sugar frosted nutsack

and

i think

i'm gonna like it

i can't remember the question

everything is strange

it' happy happy blood time
and nothing seems calm or rational
i'm assuming you're ok
i'm assuming we're ok
i keep feeling you
or i think it's you
maybe it's me
and you seem agitated
be happy
you have a good life
you'll be fine no matter what happens
i love you
very much

sign posts

last wednesday i had a conversation with god
well, i talked
look god
i don't know whether
i can't hear you because i'm too embroiled in working
or because i'm less crazy
or maybe it's that you think i've gone off track
you disapprove of my actions
or lack of actions

so
if you could give me some sign
something to let me know
something
i'd really appreciate it

so
i went to work
and i had to do this change over thingy
and i had a packet of signage and whatnot
now i had been most concerned with the part of the packet
that let me know what i needed to order
and where everything had to go
because normally i barely get it in enough time to order that stuff
and this time it came in plenty of time

but
i didn't open the packet to take everything out
i just took out what i was concerned with
saw that it looked like the right amount of stuff
and didn't worry about it

however
when i went to put up the feature signs
they weren't there

and i knew they were theoretically
in a folder somewhere, reprintable
but i couldn't find where
and i was freaking out

i wrangled sushi-thirties-guy into helping me look
and, eventually, we found them
then
i had to reprint them all
and i still got done pretty much on time

so
what was the sign in that
i mean it was all about signs

i'm not sure

then yesterday, on the road, i asked god
if he's upset with me and wants me to turn around
show me one large bird
[i had been seeing solo large birds all the drive up]
if he's not upset with me and everything's ok
show me two little birds flying together

i saw not one bird of any size
the whole way home

so
hey god
does that mean
neither of those fits
or
you aren't speaking to me anymore

so now i'm unreasonably worried
that you are pissed with me
even though the whole thing was just some shit i made up
so why would you be mad
but then i told you about it, didn't i
so maybe you're mad about that
and radio8ball is down

so i'm frantically asking the cards
and they are fucking with me, totally

but here's what they say you feel about me, right now

and now

and now

and those aren't bad, actually
but earlier they were all bad
and
before that
it said that you were involved in a very profitable
or potentially profitable
i'm gonna say
networking session
when i was wanting you
and that it was better for you to have been where you were, really

which is not the degree of specificity that i frequently get
so i'm inclined to think
psychic flash
but hey
who can say

anyway
whatever
i hope you're good
and
i wish i knew
what all my signs and lack of signs
mean

i'm sorry my darling

i thought if it was meant to be
we'd find each other
but
even if you wanted me
the people
and the sun
are too much for me
and i just feel beaten down
and i hardly got out of the car
i guess i'm not any fun any more
a place can't impress me
unless it is both
naturally beautiful
and
almost completely empty

i would turn around
i'm not that far
but
i don't believe you ever
expected to meet me
unless it was through
appropriate channels

maybe i'm wrong

i feel you very strongly all the same
i love you like wildfire
but
i'm crying a little
so close
and yet
so far

editing parnassus

i was compiling a book
i wasn't writing it
it was for
a class
maybe
but not like for a grade
more like a teaching aid

i wish i could remember what

i know there was something
about
apollonian and dionysian

about form and performance

and
maybe that's a sign of something
maybe i'm working on something

10

i feel you out there

but i don't know what you're thinking

i fell asleep on the couch and i just had a really bad dream about my father

i forgot in the dream that he was dead
he wanted me to come with him, somewhere
i was busy doing something with a friend
i told him i needed to know where
we need to go and see the father, he said

you know what
no
i don't wanna do that now

and then
we were in a screaming fight
about how i'm sorry i'm such a disappointment
to both my parents

i'm having trouble typing half asleep

anyway
he got into a mud hole
and spit bones at me, or something

so
i'm all freaked out now

blah blah blah

so
the dreams were bad
but i don't remember much
i know my mom said she was gonna come to live with me
and that i needed to start saving up for my skinny dress [?]
and i had a job hanging fruit shaped air fresheners in porta cans


i figured out a way around the fact that i can't afford that eye cream
i've been using samples
which consist of little foiled squares you tear open
each one is 1ml
she told me to use each one for a week
[i feel a little bad not buying it from her, but
i cannot afford the $150. for 20ml]
so i found a pack of 30 samples for $30.
which i can afford
i don't really get a week out of the 1ml
i only get 5 days
but still this is almost a 6 month supply

sometimes when you can't afford the golden ticket
you have to find another way to make it work

i am testing a sample of a new skin cream
and i'm really liking it
i can't find a complete ingredients list

all these asian skin care products are a little sketchy on the details

take an adequate amount
makes your face feel embraced
makes face shiny and smooth

but some of these products are all big on science
i'd like to know what they actually do for your skin
so
i keep looking up bits and pieces of the puzzle
hoping i can figure out how to find out what i want to know

juvinity, for example, is a french ingredient
stops cell senescence

i've been using this stuff since beginning of january
and i love it, a lot
gonna keep using it

but it would have been great not to have to work so hard for the info

i had really bad dreams last night

and i have some stuff
that i want to tell you
but
i feel
constrained
and
it's confusing

the seduction of a fireplace and a heated floor

today
i saw a fireplace
well, it wasn't really a fire
it was really all l.e.d. lights, and it wasn't very satisfying
not in itself
but
it made me remember something

i once stayed in this little sort of attached cabin motel room
and it had been kinda spa-ified
it had a fire
which was a gas fire, but with stones
so it had a very satisfying look
but the bathroom was the best
it had heated floor stones
and the floor and shower and counter
were all beautiful stone

it was
amazing, actually
and it felt good
and it was the second place that i really thought:
this is a setting i'd really like to, you know
and
at various times
i have imagined us having a honeymoon there
although, since then, i've thought up some other places

but
i thought of that again today
and i wanted to tell you about it

and
i've wanted to tell you other things
that i couldn't find a way to say without sounding whiny
and i don't mean them whiny
so i didn't say them
but now
i have a context
a location

this april marks the fifth anniversary of my
quitting smoking
and quitting sex
and
i have been thinking about it
not the smoking, i don't think i could do that anymore
it makes me kinda nauseated when i smell it
but
i miss the sex
and
if i had realized that it would be five years
i don't think i would have stopped

and
i'm not sure it's something i'd find easy to pick right up again
is it like riding a bicycle
or
what

and
i thought that, for sure, we'd eventually get together, ya know
but, if you want to know the contents of my head
i'm not thinking it's really likely, anymore
and
i had a long talk with myself in the shower today
about all the things that might have led you to do that thing
and how none of them are probably gonna change
how you really are owned
by somebody else

and
i mean
none of this is new
and
i'm pretty sure i've told you all that stuff before

but then tonight i was out at dinner
and i saw that fireplace
and it made me think

of us
in that cabin
our first time
and it wouldn't be just like it was our first time
in an awkward and tender way
it would be my first time

and what would we do
what do i even like anymore

the thing i always liked
craved, really
was the energy
to feel the waves of energy travel
through my lovers body
to pass them back and forth
fully permeated
but then
i cannot lie
i like the friction too
it just isn't the first or the best thing

and
that being the case
i'm not getting better at sex by going it alone
and i'm not really going it, much
probably once or twice a month i make an attempt
just to satisfy the bodily need
when it becomes too strong
and it isn't really very satisfying

and
i think it's changed me

do i seem changed
i worry, sometimes

look, i say as i dance around

look at the way my white hairs
are co operating to be the most adorable
little bright highlights

i had been uncomfortable with them at first
had considered covering them with blonde
blonde would make better highlights, obviously
except
to make them blonde
i'd have to dye, or rinse, or whatever
all my hairs
not just the offending white ones
and
though that wouldn't change the color, as such
i decided it would, in all likelihood, change the tone
so i didn't
i just let it be
to preserve the beautiful color of my hair
until such time as there was too much white for it to be beautiful hair anymore
and then
then i'd reconsider the whole concept of dye

the whole mass of hair was beginning to look
better
it had been looking a little rough
frizzy, dry
i'm tempted to use words like grizzled
though of course that's not fair

i'm using a new shampoo and conditioner
i have no idea what they are called
who makes them
what they contain
they have a serum-like quality
and the bottles are purple with a phoenix bird
or at least i see it as a phoenix bird

i dance around again, shake my head
you love me you know, i say smilingly
yep, you found me out
what ya gonna do about that

hmmmm

what are you doing?

because either you are
thinking about me
with intensity
or
i need to go to the doctor
because
things have been
roller coaster-y
in a good
but
distracting
way
like
you're bringin the heat

very strange dreams last night

driving all over kansas
looking for something


i love you
i don't think you sent me this dream though
i think
i wish
i knew
what you think
future
distant future
looks like