silver bells

lucky had become sad with the winter, cold though it was not.

maybe if it had been cold she would not.

it had snowed for her sixth birthday, real snow, not just a few flakes melting when they came to rest, rather a thick blanket of whiteness cold and pure and maleable.  lucky had of course had a cold.  there had been discussion:

she is too sick to play in the cold, she will get sicker.

but her father had a different perspective.  it won't kill her.  when will she get another chance to play in the snow? 

thinking back on it, lucky couldn't remember much.  she remembered the bread wrappers on her feet.  she remembered the feel of packing the snow.  she remembered the photograph of the snowman they built better than she remembered actually building it.  three distinct scoops for the body as a nod to traditionalism she guessed, along with a pipe and scarf.  had there been a hat?  she wasn't sure about the hat.  she sort of thought so, but she wasn't sure.  the thing that stuck in her mind from the small snapshot which only existed there now was the eyes.  they had made the eyes from light bulbs.

why had they done that?  it made a vaguely frightening snowman.

did she miss her father?  was that what was wrong with her?  she didn't think so.

she missed her life with jack.

jack with the beautiful eyes.

jack who she so wanted to understand.

why?  why was this man different from all other men?

and lucky heard the old christmas song on the radio.

out on the plain

i was on a large grassy plain
graising we're quantities of magical animals
i stood in an open spot
feet grounding me to the earth
i called silently
two beasts moved slowly to me
a lithe white horse
and a giant bird
it was like a duck in shape
but the size of a pony

thoughts

yesterday
it occurred to me:
hey, i was thinking in full on magic realism
i must be back to normal
but then
later in the day
i was really really not great
not maybe depressed
but
a little sad
and then, today
i was irritated
all day
i don't know

i asked god for a sign today
but i don't think i got one
unless a broken water main is a sign
but
i didn't have to pee for the remaining five hours of my shift
so
what does that mean

any of that
i don't think it means anything
it didn't seem like a sign

i hope you're good
happy, content, all that jazz
and i hope
i'm giving you
what you need from me

strange dreams

there was a coffee shop
completely remodeled
large open box
floor, wall, ceiling pale textured wood

there was a secret agent man
with a business cover
office park building

there was the place i work now
simple problems
actually fixed
in a way that made sense

there was someone
driving out to buy something
some land, maybe
in a cart attached to the side of a car

i don't know
what any of this means
and there was more i can't remember


i love you
i hope everything is beautiful where you are

imagine, if you want
my arms wrapped around you in an enormous hug
that never really ends
my heart energy opening
wrapping tendrils of light around your energy centers
you, i think, haven't learned to do this yet
so you just open
and
our membranes permeated
spiral together
up and up
until
we are
a rope
stretching
from here
to
the milky way

worries

i worry that i'll
get you into trouble
that my writings imply your actions
somehow
that you have a keeper
and it makes me

afraid
paranoid
angry at
me
you
the watcher

but
i need to believe
need you
so
if that causes trouble
for you

i'm sorry

i guess things got a little more energetic

i could feel you
touching me

and
i flipped around
in an arc of physical prowess
with a speed and agility which, i'm nearly certain
i do not posses

hover

then
slick
and

now now now

you've waited a long time
and this is not a drawn out picture

i want you darling

come
to
me

hi

i go to sleep tired, i wake up tired

and
what i wrote last night
not super coherent
largely escapist ramblings

i wish i was snuggled up to you
and we could sleep in
all day if we wanted to

i'm not picturing an energetic romp of a sleep in
more of a languid, restful nuzzling
and a whole bunch of actually sleeping together

i bet you're beautiful when you sleep

i don't have anything much to say, but i just gotta try to keep talking

i think you like to hear me ramble on
i'm not really sure why
why i think that
or
why you'd want to hear it
but whatever

i wish i had won the lottery
[it'd help if i played]

i'm thinking i'd buy a boat
i don't know why
it's not a longstanding desire
but
i guess the idea of living on a boat has appeal

but so does the road

maybe i'd just head out
if i had a million dollars

or maybe i'd do the homesteading thing
with the bees and goats and the chickens
but
where would that be
have to find the perfect spot for that

i would love to have my whole day be a meditation
i really think it's my natural state
and
having to wind myself up
to deal with the world of other people
that's what makes me stressed and unhappy

i could be wrong

i'm falling asleep
and i don't even know if this is coherent
but
i want you to have something to read
i want to be
there

i should probably go on and buy this deck, huh

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=239524&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=431981&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=913017&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=926931&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=959771&Date=12%2F19%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

updates

i know i've gained weight
at first i thought i hadn't
because it seemed to just be my waist
and i've built up some ab muscles too
so i figured it just added bulk
but, i think i can see it in my face a little
so i have

and
probably gonna gain a little more
over the next couple weeks
because
in the absence of anti-depressants
i am full on eating stollen and etc on the xmas pastry front

it's not just, anything
it's this hollydaze season in general
i just hate it

after the first of the year
i think i'm gonna do a juice fast
or master cleanse
or something

i stopped believing this year
for big chunks of time
and even when i did
i didn't 100%
so
i backslid a little here and there

not in the meat eating
or the cigarette smoking
i'm still clean there
where i really stopped focusing
was the high density nutrition
it takes work
and
money
and
caring about it

and
i just kinda didn't, so much

so
i wasn't awful
but
i wasn't perfect


on the plus side
the new skin care
did i tell you i got the advanced firming cream too
i don't think i did

i think
i look younger
like, maybe not thirty
but almost
plus
just recently
i've started using the l'occitane stuff
underneath
the firming cream
and
so so happy with the results

thinking about cutting my hair again
it's been, what
over a year, anyway

you don't have any preference for my hair length
i can't imagine that you do
anyway
i won't do that until i've got more time

thoughts toward the end of the year

last year
love you though i might
i could not reach, what was it 200 posts
this year
with everything
easily, over 300 posts
with a fair number additional that i didn't post
for one reason and another

i think, though
that there wasn't any baby
and i'm not sure why i created that
or how
and, of course
that makes me question
if, didn't i just, make it all up

but i didn't
even if i did, see

and i love you
even though i don't understand

have wonderment and joy on your special day
and don't think about me, at all
that's only right

not like i won't talk at you before then
but i'm not gonna say it again

it is what it is

just thinking

sometimes
i catch a little glimpse of something
and it makes my heart catch just a little
maybe
well, not maybe, no
definitely
i had this thought, long ago:

i want him to feel that way about me
no, even before that
before there was any you, really
that is what i want
that emotion
directed at me

and then when i looked into your eyes, i guess
then it had to be you

but
part of what i love about you
besides the fact that you have beautiful eyes
are generally a god damn beautiful pain in the ass
are smart and funny and blah blah blah

you are a sentimental creature
a hopeless romantic, maybe
but maybe not so it's obvious
maybe we are alike in that way

and
maybe everyone else in the world is too
i don't know, who can say
but you are, in a way i get

it's hard not to be romantic about it
because
it's the little things
you have no reason to think i'd ever know about
that
in the end
are what is making me want you the most, right now

ya big lug

i'm not sure what we should do tonight

i've given it a lot of thought
what would he like to read now
what would be the best
or most logical
or whatever
and
i can't decide

my head hurts
and it's happy happy blood time
and, really
i want to curl up on the couch and drink beer

which is actually what i've been doing
and
what i really want to do
that if i had a cheering section i might work up the motivation for
i want to hang my shelves

i've had these shelves, forever
they are antique, i think
and they are from afghanistan or environs

and
i have never hung them
because the guy i bought them from put some handmade
wrought iron hanging hardware on
and every time i go to hang them
i convince myself that i'll tear up the sheet rock
and, i rent, ya know, so i put em back down

anyway
i finally decided

1. where i want them
2. to take off the hardware and use brackets
3. that i needed a cordless drill

now

you gotta understand

i have always wanted a cordless drill

but i do not need one

i now own a ridgid 12v cordless drill

no

not a makita 18v

which is top of the line, more powerful, and was, afterall

the same price (sort of)

but this one is better for the things i might actually do

it doesn't have the large boxy battery on the bottom

so it should get into tight spots better

but

it was all i could do to walk away from more power

and i didn't even stop to think at the time

how funny that kinda was

the sales guy thought i was buying a gift for my husband

but when i straightened him out

he actually asked me if i saw what a pretty color the makita was

really?!

http://www.homedepot.com/Tools-Hardware-Power-Tools-Drills/RIDGID/h_d1/N-5yc1vZc27fZ18g/R-203371443/h_d2/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10053&langId=-1&storeId=10051#BVRRWidgetID

in flagrante delicto

we meet out front
the courtyard fresh and lively
with young people out for the evening

how have you been, i ask
well, you answer
like we were civilized people

but the whole evening is alive
the air humming
and we
we shall eat

i brought you here
because i liked it so much
when i imagined eating with you here before

small plates
many
shall we get
with wine
and we shall see how much we can eat

because tonight is not so much about the fantasy
tonight is about the earthiness
the comfort
the camaraderie
perhaps we shall even talk, a bit

how do you feel, i ask with a soul searching look
how do you feel about roasted garlic spread onto thick warm bread
what is your position on the merits of mac and cheese
waitress, please
bring us plates of olives, salty and divine

beloved
i must know
my heart is fairly bursting
how flagrant, how indiscriminate
is your love of cheese

enter the dragon

tonight
tonight we meet in front
of my childhood fantasy chinese restaurant

everything is red and gold
the nearby shops are black and white deco

i feel better today
i had a good day off
and i feel a childlike excitement to show you
[because i have been celebrating chanukah mostly
with vegetarian eggrolls and sweet and sour shrimp]
this lotus bijou

we walk through the doors into a small entry
glass counter filled with shining almonds atop cookies
the case is lit
the backdrop dark
and then we are led through to the magic
the walkway constricted by babbling waters
running with koi
[goldfish, more likely but the mind edits]
the effect
is like walking across one of those layering bridges
i imagine the breeze
the swirling leaves

to the right
a small cinn-a-bar room
mai tai
singapore sling
other exotic elixirs i am now old enough to consume

i spin myself into a silken qipao
i lick my red lips and click my talons

i am inscrutable

i spin again
and clap my hands together and laugh

look, i say
and i point to the dragon
enormous
gilded
circling around itself

you smile, now
i have charmed you
you
take my hand
spin me in
look me in the eyes

you
are not inscrutable, but
you say nothing

and
we are led to our table

8 case stack

not last night
night before
i dreamed of two case stacks
four each
which is usual
but it came to eight

that seemed significant
but
i didn't write it yesterday

just a little night music

it is with a little shyness that i let you in
into the fantasy italian restaurant of my childhood
it's every nook and cranny, possibly re imagined
and shining in the glittering night
the place of tonight's meeting
maybe it's our first date
or maybe we've had that long ago
but
i haven't felt right
i haven't wanted to
and
i'm not saying it's your fault or anything
i'm just telling it like it is
so now
as i'm seeing you
i'm a little afraid
afraid that i'll be mean to you
shut you out
i feel a little frosted up
like i should have kept having sex
like maybe i couldn't anymore if i tried
and i don't really understand why
what has caused me to change like this
and
i'm crying as i type this

this is way too fucking real

nobody wants to hear this stuff

so
enter my psyche at your own risk, i guess


maybe i'll ease into it a bit
by describing the restaurant

the ceiling is a beautiful midnight blue
with twinkle lights
simulating the night sky
so pretty in a simple american way
the walls are painted with murals, i think
but it's like i can't see them
because the place is full of booths
and between them, for privacy, there are trellises
wound through with grape vine and clusters of grapes

we are seated in one of these booths
and it becomes a slightly shadowed romantic spot
wicker chianti bottle candle on the table
the booth becomes leather like the back seat
of some enormous american car
hunter s. thompson is driving across the desert to las vegas

you seem to shimmer slightly
and i'm not sure if you're really there
the booth is now rounded
so i push around towards you
grabbing your knee slightly hysterically
real enough
ok
and i don't know if it's something wrong with me or what
but i immediately
even though i'm frightened and not relaxed enough to be turned on
i want to run my hand up your leg
i want to see what you will do
i want to feel you already

but that's wrong

you are probably a little freaked out
why am i so weird and distant
and
inappropriate behavior is not gonna yield good results

i feel like a little child
i want to fling myself at your chest and cry
but i don't remember being that out of control as a child
i'm gonna have to pull this together
what the hell is wrong with me

i miss you, i say, but i'm feeling a little like a tornado
i might be unpleasant
you look momentarily uncomfortable
and then you lean in and wiggle noses with me

eskimo kisses for the win

i sigh out a big big cloud of tension
and put my head down on the table for a minute
the table cloth is smooth and cool and right now
the table cloth is my friend

the waiter comes over
you order us a big god damn bottle of wine, just like that
we need a big god damn bottle of wine
and maybe you order us an appetizer
fried calamari or bread with an olive tapenade, whatever
i don't really care about the appetizer
i agree we need a god damn huge bottle of wine

even though this is an italian restaurant
let's make this first glass, at least, carrefour 2007 cabernet franc
because i just had that yesterday
and i loved it
would like to share it with you

so i'm drinking on an empty stomach
and it affects me quite quickly

i love you, i say
but maybe it sounds a little like an accusation
crap, i'm such a fucking girl
you open your mouth
i put my finger on your lips

look, don't say anything ok
if you are gonna tell me you love me too
this is probably not the moment to do that
and if you're gonna say something else
i might punch you in the face

you blink at me
god damn your beautiful eyes
i swoon a little internally
and
i drink another glass of wine

i feel like
at least half of what i think is going on is not, really
i feel like i can't get past
not being the one
even if i am, somehow, afterall

but looking back through my writing
the trouble started in october
or november
so
i'm not even sure it has anything to do with you

it might just be the season of death
and
the having to see my mother, like every week

probably you love me
however much you have loved me
which i had thought was increasing
thought had reached a peak
before the thing i still don't understand
and then
it seemed
maybe
to edge up slightly even from there

what i'm saying is
i believe that you love me
but now i'm not feeling it
and
i don't think that's your fault
i'm not saying you should be doing something

i'm saying
i feel like i'm dying inside
and i feel kind of helpless

and here
here is a problem
because i don't know what to have you say

i mean
what could you say to that

damn

this isn't going how i hoped
i really hoped i'd figure out
something you could say
that would make it all better

i really wanted us to end up
having sex in that black and gold bathroom

that's the ending i wanted to write

well
maybe not the ending
in the end i think, maybe
we drive home and kiss in the rain
but
i wanted to write an illicit sex scene in that bathroom

very strange dreams

with
plague islands
and espionage
and
whatnot

are you ok
because it was like that was all some kind of message

but i can't remember most of it

i was trying to get to rescue a girl
who looked very like a twenties drew baremore
and i looked like stana kativ

weird

signs and signals

my dreams have been jam packed
but i can't remember them
i don't think they're deep
just busy

i ran some errands today
and then
i went for a drive

the clouds were towering cumulus
and the sky was very very blue

there weren't any birds
just clouds and blue
and i asked god for a sign

if, i asked, if we're going to be together
show me two birds flying together
if, on the other hand, we aren't
and i should just live my life
learn to not expect him to someday
be by my side
show me one bird flying alone

and i drove on a while
birdless
then suddenly a bird

wait, really god, that's what you're telling me
one bird
one lonely bird
and, suddenly, there was a second bird

the second bird had been on a telephone wire
it was a smaller bird, and i hadn't noticed it
they flew, briefly, tangentially
and then the second, smaller bird landed back on the telephone wire

did that count
they were flying together, technically

maybe
maybe god just doesn't want me to stop believing
but he's not promising anything

just boring everyday stuff

i went to tjmaxx
i looked around
i always look for bras
because i rarely find them
but when i do they are really good

i picked up this bra
and i'm all like this is a great bra
it was just simple and brown
but i have this like quality radar
and this was a good bra

now remember
the last bra i bought was a 40dd
and this bra, this one here, it is a 42b
but it looked like it might fit

so i tried it on
and it fit beautifully
so good, in fact
that i put my shirt back on over it to see
how it looked with my clothes on

so obviously i'm buying it
at that point i look at the price, $25.
i've never seen a bra that expensive at tjmaxx
although, of course, that's pretty cheap in the real world
and the tag said: compare at $50.
but i looked at the brand and it was la perla

i was thinking la perla is an expensive, expensive brand
so when i got home i looked it up online
the cheapest la perla bra $115.

so
i have a really great new bra, cheap
it's basically this one:
http://www.laperla.com/en-us/lingerie/bras/cfilpd905168?e=ad462a63-ef7a-4d76-9fe1-869efc01ac03&f-size=&f-style=&f-variant=&s=relevance

but
secretly i wish it was like this:
http://www.laperla.com/en-us/?ecid=semus1396&gclid=CNSX_Y3V-rMCFcsWMgodMBgAIA

and that i could pull off that look


do you really miss this?