today

i went to breakfast with my mom

it kind of depressed me

so then
i had a slightly crazy episode
i
do not want to be depressed
and
i decided
that what i had to do
was find a happy scent
something that smells like the beach

i wanted a diffuser
i would have settled for a candle
but
all the "sea" scents
aren't really
they don't smell salty
or seaweedy
[i'd never say fishy]
they always have this very
artificial "marine" smell
that i've learned from experience
i cannot stand

i came close
with:
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-santa-barbara-candle.html
and
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-costa-rica-candle.html
[which though it's not ocean is very wet and green and jungle-y]
and
maybe if they'd had this one:
http://www.candleluxury.com/aquiesse-shoreline-diffuser.html
maybe it would have been perfect


a smell can make me happy
it can
and i was feeling like
like it's never gonna happen
like my life is a trap

but
i failed at the scent mission
so
i made myself feel better
another way

i once lost 30 in 3 weeks
having protein shakes every 3 hours
so, i bought the closest thing i could find
to what i remember of the formula
and
i'm doing that for a few weeks
big salad for dinner

we'll see how it goes

i looked at this website: my body gallery
that shows you real people of whatever size
and for some reason
i like this one:
http://www.mybodygallery.com/photos-20168-body-shape.htm#img
but
she weighs 124 pounds
*sigh*

i love you

things & stuff

i dreamed last night
that i was going somewhere
somewhere where i needed my passport

but
there was a lot more
and i can't remember it


i was thinking that i've gained weight
but i haven't weighed, and people keep telling me
that i look like i've lost weight

i don't know

i wore my tight bra today
and
it wasn't all that tight

but something
is going on with my body
maybe
things are just
unhardening, or whatever

but
my tolerance must be getting lower
must be that giant mirror in the bathroom

i think i should look
different
or better
than i do

tonight's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=412650&Date=5%2F28%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=partner

i had two children

a boy
and
a girl

the girl was older
but i had had them
too close together
and
seemed to favor the boy
heavily

i looked at the girl, and thought
she isn't all that brilliant

but then i thought
she's probably
suffered
regression
and lack of developmental stimulus
because of all the energy and attention
you put into the boy

and
in the dream
it was like i hadn't been there at all
like i was just dropping into a life, in progress
so
i approached the girl
like i had just received her
because i sorta had

she didn't seem that bright
but she worshipped her mother
and
she was working on a project
for work!?
maybe it was school, but even so
she was like four
she was making hundreds of paper flowers
on long stems
for an charity auction

i got her set up
on the living room floor
and she really had skills

so we went to the auction
and it was this "bouquet"
that included her long stems
and at least a dozen floor lamps
it stretched out fifteen feet
along the wall

i didn't get it

i didn't get it




maybe that's a mom thing
but
i didn't like the feeling

her name:

june pearl


it was a strange strange dream

tonight's reading

tonight i asked:
am i going to have a child
and i got this answer
http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=168352&Date=5%2F27%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

so i looked up yemaya
and i found:

http://www.thaliatook.com/AMGG/yemaya.html

tonight's readings

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=484473&Date=5%2F26%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=911164&Date=5%2F26%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=930864&Date=5%2F26%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=

get on the bus

i had this dream
i was in college
only
i'm not sure if it was me
this seemed more like
just
a story, somehow

anyway
there were all these girls
maybe it was a girls college
or maybe we were sorted
for the sake of this activity
don't know

so
there were all these buses
and you got on the one
for the activity
you wanted to engage in

facial bus
game bus

i don't know, a bunch of different stuff

then
there's this other girl
i don't know if this is me either
waiting for the first one
she wants, you see, to be on the same bus
she doesn't really care what she does
she just wants to do it with her friend

first girl comes back

ok, she says
we're all set
for what, asks the second girl
we're in


apparently there was another option
there is the first meeting
of a sort of secret club

in the dream it had a name, but i can't remember it
they meet
they talk, about whatever
everybody has to listen
nobody can reveal anything that's said
unless the speaker wants them to, like if that's the point
or whatever

so it's a blend
of girls
who couldn't be enticed away
with the funnest activities they could dream up
[because you have to be at the first meeting]
who want to talk
who want an audience
who want secrecy, or
who want a street team of promoters

and
they grow to be
a really important and powerful
like, secret society of women

same question, different deck, this morning

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=811372&Date=5%2F24%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=fourfold

tonight's reading

what is he thinking about me/us:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=487133&Date=5%2F23%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=

i just thought about it

and decided
you may not understand these
little slightly unhappy vignettes
as the sort of self-meta-blah-blah
that they are

you may think
i'm trying to say something
critical about you

no


i love you

i walked over to the mexican restaurant and had a really strong margarita on an empty stomach and i need to tell you something

god
will not smite you
and
although i have though, at least a little
that you wanted to be able to say
that everything was all in my head
that maybe
it was some sexual kink
that the woman who loves you
not ever really know

i am letting that go, now
you love me, i know

and
you know
even so
there might be things
that are more important
clearly there are things that are more important

and
you know
it's ok

i have loved you more
and better
than i have ever loved anyone in my life
more than my father
more than my grandmother
certainly more than any lover

it is possible
that you are happier
with the one, your one
than you would be with me

or possibly
our lives together would be
heaven on earth
maybe we'll find out
and maybe, not

but
the love i have had for you, already
is more than i ever thought i would have
in my whole life
and
i am grateful for that

you are in no way
any kind of disappointment

even if you are half made up
the half that isn't made up
is good enough
to overcome
a lifetime of ambivalence, at best
to catapult me into certainty that you are the only man
who could ever be the father of my children

and i want all the fantasy that goes along with that to be true
and i am accepting on your behalf
that you want that too
[no matter what you have or have not said to me]

but
even so
it might never happen
and that might be for the greater good

and
i say again:

god will not smite you
and i will still love you
as long as i live

if we are meant to be
we will be

and
it is still possible
that i was only meant
to help you get to this point

do the mission of your soul
do not worry if i am not that mission

checkin in

hey
either you
have been
crazy thinkin about me today
or
i
am having some sort of seizures

i hope
not the seizure thing

hey

people keep mentioning my vocabulary

i don't think
that
my vocabulary is so
out there, or whatever
and
i mentioned it to my mom

she was all like:

don't you remember
when you were in high school
you were reading through college catalogs
and
when you read the bennington catalog
you wanted to go there
because
they used a word you didn't know
and
i knew what it meant
and
i could see myself go up
in your estimation

i could see it


and this
along with some other stuff
it makes me a little sad

i think
i somehow make people feel
like they aren't living up to some
i don't know, standard

maybe
maybe i'm all judge-y and whatnot
maybe i make people feel bad about themselves

but
then
why don't they dislike me
and try to steer clear of me

i'm still trying to figure out
what it is
that is so different about me
that makes me
so scary
or
intimidating
or
stultifying
or whatever

i love you, hope i'm not freaking you out with all the tarot stuff

i hope you don't get bored with the tarot, because i seem to be kinda into it

this is the answer to:

is he happy today

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=862627&Date=5%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=lovecraft&Reading=single

what do i most need to know right now

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=887770&Date=5%2F17%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=international_icon&Reading=

what is the theme of the next six months

http://www.facade.com/tarot/description/?Deck=haindl&Card=64

what am i going to figure out in my life (just me) now

http://www.facade.com/tarot/description/?Deck=cat_people&Card=3

what is the next big thing for me

http://www.mineralarts.com/cgi/TarotThree.pl

this one doesn't store
i just looked at it
and
i think it's different now

so
maybe
the next big thing for me
is constantly changing
or i can't know
or
whatever

it's a cool deck though

this is the answer to: will we ever have children together

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=52866&Date=5%2F16%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=

this is the answer to: what is the current state of our relationship

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=573665&Date=5%2F15%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=haindl&Reading=fourfold

i'm going to bed now

i'm going to sleep six hours

i love you

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=472732&Date=5%2F14%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

my dad

i've thought about this
several times this week

when i was little
my dad did this thing
[mostly when he'd been drinking, i think]
it scared me

he would start
by hugging me to him

are you okay, he'd ask

yeah, i'm ok

he'd start to let go

are you sure you're okay

he'd grab me a little tighter
are you sure you're okay

yes yes, i'm fine
are you sure


until
i wasn't ok
i was actually kind of desperate
to get away from him
he was actually kind of hurting me
and definitely scaring me

i remember this
like it happened all the time
but
i think it may only have happened a few times
or
at least
only until i was about six

i don't know why i'm telling you this

my dreams

i can't remember all of them
and
some pieces of what i can remember
are
missing
or confused
but
one is a nice image
and
the other is more of a story

the image

i am on a boat
like the tour boat in chicago
on a river
and the water
is full
of swimming polar bears

the story
i'll have to work on a little bit
but
it's about clearing out hexes
and
burying the keys
that open the badness
and
some people
having a transaction
in a sacred grove
and me
trying to tell them:
any transaction you make here
will not just be about the money
you shouldn't do this twenty-five dollar thing here
you might be selling your soul as well

that was the part that seemed most pressing

snail mating dance

i'm going to bed now

i'm sleeping seven hours tonight

if you know the place i'm thinking of

think about it

in our dreams tonight

it's

something

something i want to write to you

what would he most like me to know right now:

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=718297&Date=5%2F13%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

grit, 4 tru

this is just to see
that is to say
to see
can i say

whatever, poetry ya know
like, the moon, is a curled up fuzzy
watch for claws, but, no, she's a sweet little
pilgrim

and, the wine is pouring, like the welch's
dropped
at the baby giant when i was six years old
sweet and sticky, in all the hidden corners

the ways i don't believe humming in my ears, mosquito jazz

not easy
not hard
immovable object, waiting

to be scaled

seven miles an hour

circle within circle and homeless embrace

when i went to sleep
it was raining
and the frogs were singing

i went on a journey
i arrived
in alaska
it wasn't very cold
and
the building in front of which  i was standing
looked like a one story version of the alley theater

so
i don't know
i think, i'm pretty sure
alaska's cold

i had this vision quest type ritual
all planned

there was a circle
inside a circle
rough terrain

a huge bird
[or maybe dragon]
would carry me from the outer edge
of the outer circle
to the center of the inner circle

i had this homeless woman with me
she was my homeless woman, i guess
she was kinda dirty and her hair was matted
but she started rubbing her head against my side
like a child imitating a dog

not leave me

no no, now, be good
i'm just going for a day or two
we'll get you all set up
you'll be fine

not leave me
i be good

and
i took her into the building
and
i lost time


i woke up on a bus full of women, singing
the way you sing as a child
on a bus
on a field trip

how did i get here

and
i really had to pee
i can't imagine that i got on a bus
for a long car trip
without peeing first

my homeless woman had jacked me

i was on some sort of women's retreat
song writing workshop

and they were all
like morning people or something

but
what about my circle within a circle
my giant bird

ok the coffee is brewing, i have to get in the shower, and it's raining [so i will have to leave early]

but
i had
a very interesting dream
that i really want to tell you about

i have to go to bed

if you can join me
in my dreams

i'd like that

i'll be sleeping about 5 hours

i love you




i decided
i needed a reading


this is the answer to:  what does he want from me in life


http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=316977&Date=5%2F11%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=single

yes

gold



i've been thinking today
about
several things

my premonition of doom
which i just looked up
november 4
seems
to have been pretty accurate
because of my dad's death
and such
and the months
of depression
which followed

and
i didn't say
but i had been put on final written warning
[no verbal or prior written]
on a really unfair technicality
fairly soon before
and then
the guy who had to write me up
kinda wanted me to talk him down from it
because it was so upsetting to have to write me up

so it might have just been that

and that's all worked out fine now


and
your body language
it tells me stuff
but
maybe
maybe it's my imagination
or maybe it is a bad sign
if i look at the situations where it says: beaten, pwned, subservient

just sayin
worries me


also
i was thinking
i'm pretty sure i've gained some weight
during this time that i haven't been able to
make myself quite believe there was really any point in caring

my clothes still fit
but i feel fatter to me

but even through all that
i never smoked one cigarette, not one

and
today for lunch
rather than getting waffle fries and a side salad
i brought
2 grapefruits
2 mangoes [very small]
a peach [also small]
and an avocado

for breakfast and lunch

and i had a large salad with shrimp
for dinner
[which is what i have at least half the time]


and
some other stuff

off and on all day

i love you

woke up late

big storm coming
pressure headache

can't remember my dreams

but
i didn't want to wake up
so
they must have been
good

hello

today's reading

http://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=903110&Date=5%2F9%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=curious&Reading=

this evening i went shopping

and i saw myself in a mirror
which was sitting up a little

i was trying to see
if the leave-in conditioner spray
had had any inpact on my frizz

and i realized two things:

1) i have a lot more white hair than i realized

2) i look much better from your perspective

i love you baby

pregnant women

i wanted god to tell me something

but
i got distracted before
i could talk terms

so all day today

i saw pregnant women

there was one in black
first thing in the morning

there was an australian one
seeking vegemite

there was an older one
who looked sort of haggard
bags under her eyes

and there were several
just sort of random ones


i'm not sure
what god was answering

i don't think
i even asked my question

i only got out the part:

god, please
i need a sign
show me a pregnant woman...

but i didn't say what color shirt
or
what i wanted it to mean, exactly

but
i was in a super bad mood
all day
maybe it pms
but
it seems a little early for that, three or four days
so maybe god knew i needed it
but
i really didn't snap until a few hours ago

thanks, god

today's reading

this is a celtic cross spread

it's more general than some
but
it explains what card is whathttp://www.facade.com/tarot/personal/?UID=434859&Date=5%2F3%2F2012&Name=Anonymous&Query=&Deck=voodoo&Reading=celtic_cross

it tastes like chicken

1 Tbsp barley
1 Tbsp yellow split peas

next time more onion
and fresh garlic

but
it's good

i'm working on chicken soup again

this time
i have an inspiration
i'm starting with a bottle of torrontes
1/2 cup chickpeas
1/2 and onion
spices

the check was made to smallville

i think there was more than one perspective

there was an amusement park
and
a family

there was me
at a new job

there was me
on the street
trying to call my aunt in austin
[i have no aunt in austin]

somehow
these were all one big story

the amusement park
is a theme that comes up every once in a while
but, i've never been all that certain what it means
i can't remember details, but
what seemed important was
the family was on opposite sides of the park

then, my new job
it was sort of a desk job
and i was trying to get settled into my office
but there was stuff everywhere
and
they were letting clients in
while i was trying to change clothes

so
i went out, in the field
i did a bunch of consulting or something
brought back a bunch of money
and
suddenly i was a man
and this woman
tall, really beautiful
in an intellectual-type way
was standing in the doorway

how'd you do, she asked
i couldn't tell them i worked here, i answered
i'm not sure what to do about this, i hand her the check

it's made out to smallville

don't tell the company anything
we'll figure something out
and

keep the check


she turns slowly
keeping her eyes on me until the last possible second
and smiles
like i did something really really good
and she is gonna show me just how good, later

then, i'm a girl again
younger than i am now
i was wandering the streets
i don't know what city it was
but, definitely one i've seen in dreams before
there's something tricky about the buses
and i hear something about
einstein
trying to find out something about einstein, during the war
and i'm thinking it might be something bad
but i'm all like i'll call my aunt in austin
the one who works for the underground radio
she worked with einstein

so i try to use a pay phone
talking to the operator:
do you have a listing for edith
i may ma'am
how certain are you
because i won't waste the funds
almost certain ma'am

i insert a bunch of coins

i'm sorry ma'am
my information was fragmentary
i could not complete your call
have a nice evening

and
i'm spit back out on the street