random stuff

i dreamed
a bunch of stuff that i can't quite remember
there was one section
it had something to do with christmas
and i thought:
i've got to remember to tell him that
but then i can't remember

i do remember
i was in my aunt's apartment
it was all stripped
furniture gone
ready to be painted
and
i totally wanted to move in
it seemed so much bigger
empty
but then
it wasn't empty
there was a built-in cabinet along one wall
and a false wall
with a media unit behind it
and a display case
for
spears

i thought that was a little odd

and i've been thinking lately
how different i am
probably
from most women

but i thought
(when i looked in my closet the other day)
of what i consider to be a really good analogy

now
it might be normal
or it might not
to still have your prom dress
we'll say, more than twenty years later
but i still have parts of what i wore
but it wasn't a dress
and it was all ethnographic
the black slacks and shell are long gone
but they could be roughly approximated with, oh say
almost everything in my closet
so no big loss
the necklaces and jacket i could wear now
and you wouldn't think they looked unlike me
[except the jacket doesn't fit yet and needs new elastic at the wrists]
the necklaces are
a three strand rope turquoise serpentine trade beads
and a predominantly orange multi-strand that i keep on my shelf
it was sold to me as naga headhunter
but i've never really verified that

i would show you a picture of me
but
i had had some trauma (or something) before hand
that led to the cutting off all my hair
right before prom
and i look terrible with short hair
so
to me
the picture doesn't look like me at all

and
i only went to prom
because
all the grown people i had ever met who didn't go
really really thought: if only i had gone...
so i went
to avoid that crap

i didn't enjoy my prom at all

but
i really look forward to fitting into that jacket again
because i like it even more today
than i did when i found all those years ago

i can't remember exactly where it's supposed to come from
southeast asia i'm pretty sure
it was part of a ceremonial costume
they made and wore for one year
and then they made a new one for the next year
and traders bought it from them

i could have bought a really really nice dress
for what i spent
but i've not saved any dress i ever bought

i think i made the right choice

i don't really have anything to say

but
i want to say something
anyway
to lean you back against a wall
compact the space between us
but barely brush against you
barely brush against you
over and over
until
it takes on an undulation
bring my face in from an odd angle
catch the side of your mouth, just grazing your lips
i think once ever i start to kiss you i might never stop
i might be drawn down into a universe where there is only kissing you
but i am ravenous and i might be desperate rather than languid
i long for languid earth-shattering kisses
time standing still
right now
i can feel your fingers slick against the tip of the iceberg
it has been so long i am become one aching horrible need and i want
to thrust myself upon you
to be filled with the madness
my mind will erupt like a volcano
and i will make inhuman noises-- oh yes dear god, yes

but no

you don't want a supernova
you want a more controlled burn

you kiss me
body pressed to mine
my waves are crashing wildly against the rocks
i'm breaking apart, i can't take it, any second now i will wail and gnash my teeth

and then you grab me up
into your arms
you whisper something hoarsely raggedly against my ear
and suddenly i feel you
not your body
you
like i felt you the first night we met
only
finally
here now

and the circuit is finally complete

you can feel what i feel
so i pull your energy into me
and explode
back into you

and you can feel it
not like maybe you will someday
but
since you never really believed me
you throw back your head and laugh
and then you grab me up tight
kissing me again

my day today...thoughts

i went to the museum
i don't do that enough
but, really
i spent the whole day in my head
which maybe i should say i do too much, but
i'm not gonna say that, because
that's who i am
and really
i like it

i like my hair pulled back
i like no make up
i like all black
and
i like being immersed in a semi-meditative state

i like being at the museum
or wherever
alone
sometimes i think i'd like someone else there
but
if i have someone else there
then it becomes about talking to them
going where they want to go
which is fine
but
it isn't meditative
or relaxing
or
doing whatever it is that i do

what is it that i do
i'm sort of asking, really
i do it naturally
have done it since i was a kid
i'm tempted to say it's a writer thing, but
that may not be right
i absorb
in a way that i don't think most people do
it's kind of an altered state

i walked through a light installation
and a little boy with his grandfather coming towards me:
blue blue blue blue
i smiled at him and nodded:
yes

that was perfect

i saw this film/video installation called city glow
by chiho aoshima
who was compared to murakami on the wall plaque
(often i don't read them but today i did)
for her use of the kawaii [cuteness] aesthetic
and
she used it well
and jarringly for the graveyard scene

i had coffee and *gasp* a pastry in the cafe
i thought about how part of the new wing reminds me of the met
and the last time i was there
and how detached i am from some of the people i should love
and yet how unreasonably attached i am to you
how you're with me
how
now
i don't just absorb for myself alone

i tried to decide if my writing has changed
because of or through communication with you
and i think yes
i've found my voice
and you need to read it
[i think i'm right there-- got you hooked]
i wish i could describe what that does for me
i can't
but
i don't think you need me to


i am saying: i thought about too much
sorry, not really editing
who am i kidding
i almost never edit these

i went to the gift shop
i imagined buying a buddha board for my kid, perfect
and the kid's art books are great
then i wondered:
would i be orienting for art
or would it be whatever my thing is
that i still don't know
the way i see the world
my world view
it's different

and
i bought a book
as soon as i saw it
i knew there was no way i was talking myself out of it


http://www.taschen.com/pages/en/catalogue/art/all/06703/facts.the_book_of_symbols_reflections_on_archetypal_images.htm

this is what i do
sort of
there were many books i wanted
some objects
but
the book of symbols
that was what i couldn't leave behind

my broadband connection went down, i lost a paragraph, and i decided it was a sign to wait on finishing that last post, but...

when i was driving
i guess it's yesterday now
i saw, like almost first thing
a buc-ee's bumber sticker saying:
hug a [buc-ee beaver logo] today
and that made me wonder:
is it a reinforcement for whatever it was
every time i see it
because it was something about you and me
and a baby, i'm pretty sure

so i was wonderin that
and i was thinking:
i should ask to see some really over-the-top-dressed
pregnant woman for reinforcement
but then i didn't specify
how she should be dressed

and so of course
it was like hochschwanger central all freakin afternoon
and a totally adorable seventeen month old flirted with me
and i'm (to his mom): does he flirt with everyone
and she rolls her eyes: yes

but then
and i kid you not
this woman walks in
in some sort of scarlett red silk wrap tunic
and my first thought was:
wow
that is over the top

so
even though
it seems unlikely
on oh so many levels
the universe [or god or whatever]
seems invested in my believing that
you will make my dreams come true
although
maybe not all of them
i have some fantasies
i don't even tell you about
because they aren't remotely titillating
they are just pruriently romantic
not sweet romantic like the sofa thing
but hard-core-donkey-show romantic stuff
stuff i'd be embarrassed to admit that i actually thought
you were actually maybe gonna really do, unprompted
at various points
but, hey
i know
you're not sittin around
carvin me a skull ring

in progress (still working, but)

i think
most of the baby dreams i've had
have centered around pregnancy
and i admit
i seem to have some sort of fetish
around the idea of fertilization
and all that seed of the womb stuff
which i always found somewhat yucky before
you bring it out in me, apparently
there's that other thing
i was never really into that before, either
it was more of a by request only kind of thing
until i had a dream about doing it to you
and suddenly
it seemed
appealing
maybe with honey from brazil

but when i woke up this morning
it seemed like you'd been in my head
it seemed like you were telling me you loved me
and that isn't the first time i've felt that happen
but it was different somehow
less like you were trying to make me listen
less like you were desperately shaking me
less like you were hugging me tight whispering in my ear: no, stay
more like something else...something...something i still can't quite describe

and the baby
he was already born
i was holding him in my arms
and, i've held babies, i'm not one of those people
who thinks they're gonna break the kid or thinks it's gonna go all bio hazard
but time was speeding up and slowing down in rapid succession
and i was worried i'd shake him unwittingly
gotta protect his precious little brain
and he strained in my arms
like he wanted to fly
and i looked in his eyes
really looked
and he wasn't just somebody's cute kid
he was made of me
and like yeah yeah, whatever, that's why people have kids
but it wasn't like that
it was intense
this kid was intense
and, to be honest, kind of frightening

i dreamed i had a baby

i don't have time now
but this was different
and i woke up
different
hopefull
i'll be able
to
explain

i'll think about it all day

by tonight

maybe
i'll be able to write about it

just blah blah, really

you know the step n tone shoes
they are l.a. gear
which is apparently some brand i should have heard about
and i really really like them
though i cannot attest to their toning ability
they are uber-comfortable

when i had my workout phase in college
i had this one thing
i would walk
and my legs felt springy
i loved that
it was a muscle thing i think
not a shoe thing
but now
i'm getting the same feeling
and
i'm sure it's a shoe thing

but my leg muscles
they haven't gotten sore
so
i don't see how they could be extra tonifying



i miss you


do i love you because you're such an enigma of a pain in the ass
or in spite of it

seriously
when i was like eleven
i read romance novels
(mostly for the sex scenes)
and a frequent plot device

woman loves man who is clearly trouble

is loved by man who is good for her

chooses trouble every time

i always thought:
what the hell is wrong with these women

later in life
i developed a theory:
never be the one who loves more


and
what happened to me

because
we got trouble
right here in river city
with a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for pool


or am i wrong

i meant to write this earlier, but then i forgot and just now remembered

i was trying to
when i went to sleep that is
trying to get into your head
i'm pretty sure i've done it before
but it's been a while
and i guess
i just wanted to be close to you

anyway
i couldn't do it
and then i was tired and just fell asleep

then
when i woke up
i was in a kind of a weird mood
so i was asking for some kind of insight
and
i just fell back asleep
but
i had this dream:

i was in a car
getting a ride
the dream started in the car
so i didn't know
not right away
why
i was getting a ride

this girl was driving

she had on some headset
might have been a hands free
that's what i assumed
and she was speaking japanese

not like she was japanese
in fact
i'm not sure now
i think maybe she was japanese
but she didn't speak japanese
i mean
she was
but not quite right
her cadence was a little off
she had pauses in odd places
she wasn't fluent
and
of course
i couldn't understand her
except
i could
a little
because she was thinking it so hard
i could pick up bits

she was describing
someplace she had been
and i kept getting
sky
she was talking about the way the sky had looked

and i was thinking
she was a little rude
for completely ignoring me
but
as i began to open up to the dream
i realized
we were driving down avenue b
away from my mechanic
toward my house

my mechanic and the several attractive sons and nephews
who have
over the years
given me rides
are all male
and
all greek

so
i do not know where this japanese girl
comes into the picture
and
as i pondered it
i am not even sure
she was talking on the phone
she might
indeed
have been
trying to learn japanese
from audio lessons


and
it was over
i was awake
and wondering
was that really japanese
how could i possibly dream in japanese
even bad japanese
what was that
about

last night's dream

i stayed at this small vertical apartment
one tiny room
on top of another tiny room
and
what i did there
was sort through records
presumably
my old record collection
from whenever
except
i didn't really recognize
anything
not even in the dream

but i slept
and took baths
and
listened to music
for days
and i came away with a large set of digital files

i returned
to wherever i lived
to a new job
i was an assistant manager
for some type of retail or cafe place
i was making the schedule
and i scheduled myself
to work from 5a-5p
giving performance reviews
then i checked with the manager:

i just scheduled myself to do reviews
then it occurred to me that i would not want
the new person doing reviews
might lower morale
do you want me to change the schedule

no, she said
go ahead and do them
it'll give everyone a chance to meet you

but
i had just gotten in
i was tired
it was thursday
the manager never posted the schedule till friday
so i didn't post it yet
because
12 hours is a long day of reviews
it's not like working 12 hours
i always hated doing reviews
i thought i might look over the schedule the next morning
with fresh eyes
and see a better way to do it
and still
get the schedule out
before
they
expected it


don't know what all this means
but
it was clear
and
i remembered it

pouring water

i woke up
i thought
i have to remember that
i have to tell him that

i went back to sleep

i can't remember
what i needed to tell you
so
i would be tempted
just to leave off

except

i have this one image

and
i'm not saying that
i know what it means
but
it is compelling
at least
to me

there is a tub
a really nice tub
maybe like one of those fancy
roman soaking tubs (i think that's what they call em)
and the faucet
it wouldn't shut off
it was just
pouring water
continuously
without end

and
for whatever reason
that made me kind of happy

ritualistic cooking and the chinese bed

i woke up
and
went back to sleep
multiple times
and
this story arc stuck through it all

i went to a grocery
a new one
kind of a health food store
it was really cool
this was probably inspired by actual events
except
as i was walking along noticing some acai cluster (candy i guess)
i also noticed, or maybe it was pointed out to me, shit on my heel
it was extremely sticky
difficult to clean off
i was wearing sandals, so it was my actual heel not just the heel of my shoe

there was more
i know there was more
but my recollection picks up when i get home with the food

i bought an enormous and beautiful chicken
which
even in the dream
i thought was a little strange
because i don't eat meat

so i am washing the chicken
submerging it
changing the water
submerging it again

then i go to prepare the fire

the fire is like something
but i'm not sure what
there are individual rectangular compartments
each with dual jets
about one and one half the size and shape of piano keys
they have letters associated with them
but not musical scales
rather the alphabet a-z
and
i am cleaning them
removing some sort of paper or boxing or whatever
and lighting the letters
that spell something
maybe it's a word
but
i think it's a phrase
because
as i am checking over it
i am returning to letters
which i have already lit
sometimes having to relight them

i will be roasting the chicken
or baking it
and the inside of the oven will have to be lit
before this can occur
all this spelling
serves some other function

reading and apparently spelling
when contained in dream-time
are problematic for the lucid mind
and so i have no idea what i was spelling
i tried to remember, i really did, but all i've got are two letters
there was a d
there was a y

while i was doing all of this and concentrating intensely
my mother came in
with some woman she was coaching or something
there was a bed in the kitchen
the client was sitting on it
and i couldn't figure out why they
didn't just go sit in chairs

and i talked
but i don't really remember what i was saying
i thought i was just talking about what i was cooking
making small talk or whatever
my focus was on the ritual

but

then i was at a stopping point
and the woman was gone
though i didn't remember her leaving

and my mother was saying:
did you have to tell her her outcome
now i'll never get a second consultation

what did i say: i said

you really don't know

no i really don't know

well, don't worry about it then

and we went downstairs and outside
and it was the house on west alabama street
the one i loved the most
and she was the most proud of
because she bought it for 17,000 dollars when she was a real estate agent
it was like it was years ago
before the house next door burned down
there it was
huge
covered with vines
and
out at the street
by the curb
but set up like a display
was chinese furniture
lacquered black
but old: not shiny and crass
comfortable
but slightly austere at the same time
we never had this furniture
but
in the dream
i remembered it with love

she said: you grab the table
i'll get these smaller pieces
you earned it

i looked around
i remembered there being a bed
it was not black
it was a combination of colors, including black
that left the over-all impression: orange
it was carved
and
kind of
but not exactly
a sleigh bed

but where
i asked her
where is

the chinese bed

so back to that dream

i think it was math
but maybe science
that i was failing

that was not so interesting
as the swimming (?) class
it was not swimming
and i'm pretty sure i've had dealings
with this before
it's in a round
stadium shaped building
and there is a tank
but it looks more like a ship
or a seafood restaurant
or something
with nets hanging
and wrap glass

and
i was in the locker room
which was more like a spa
and i was walking around and around
which was a bit like the key arena
and
i kept trying to explain
that i needed help:

i have some sort of dyslexia
no matter which way
i think is the right way
i always end up going wrong
i cannot get to class

they said:
you gotta be kiddin me
it's right there

take me
i said

we don't have time for
your jokes
they said

i'm not joking

it sucked

and

i cut my thumb
chopping onions
cause i have a sharp knife now
(really for a couple-of-three-months now
but this is the first time i've cut myself)
night before last
not a big cut
just a flap of skin on the end of my thumb
but
you know those sharp cuts
they usually heal slowly
so
i put a band-aid on it
because everything caught the skin
and
i hate band-aids
because
usually
when i take them off
the skin is all mushy
and it takes even more time for it to heal

but
when i took off the band-aid to shower
it was healed
with hardly even any scab
it seems like three or four days worth of healing
i'm not even sure i washed it out with soap

isn't that kinda weird
i mean
i've never been prone to infection
but
i don't think i've ever healed that fast
and i've got no coating on my tongue at all
but i'm not even really eating
that many leafy greens

my favorite foods
currently
are
peanut butter
hummus
and
refried beans
which
may be a protein thing
celery
is my only consistent green
with some steamed peas, broccoli, or cauliflower
most days
but not all
bananas
like one a day
but
all and all
i don't feel like i've been extra good

but i guess i'm not deficient, huh

diamond lotus

i had bad dreams
which i might get into later
but i don't have time
now
and
they weren't that bad
just banal bad
failing classes and such

but
there was this one part
that was
kinda weird

so
i'll mention it

something/someone was trying to get my attention:
no, pay attention
look at this

and there was
spinning in the air
above his head
a beautiful
flower
bigger than his head
diamond-like
in it's clear
sparkling
perfection

putting pillows on chairs and talking to david wolfe

i was some kind of decorator
at a furniture store
and i was
matching
pillows
to
chairs
only i wasn't doing it normally
where the pillow goes against the back of the chair
no
i was
placing the pillow on the seat of the chairs
they were hard wooden straight backed chairs
so
that made a certain amount of sense
but the pillows
were
beaded
feathered
extravagant
somewhat millinery
wonders

and
there is some element
missing
something i can't remember
i really didn't want to get up today
and i kept going back to sleep
and
as i would fall back asleep
i kept saying your name to myself
and trying to see
what the letters looked like
i have gotten some interesting images before
using this kinda psychic exercise
the most recent
(about a week ago give or take)
fragments of rainbow lights
shooting off in every direction
like fireworks
but
this morning
i got rock
viscerally hard and a bit craggy
and i wasn't sure
what to make of that
what's the salient factor there
rock
hardness
mountain-y-ness maybe, maybe not
maybe
maybe it's good to go with associations here
although, i'm not at all certain of that, but
but it reminded me of driving through oregon
where there are walls of rock on either side of the highway
i've seen plenty of rock face
in different places
but
today
the rock that was your name reminded me of oregon
but i don't know what that means, really

and i've been a little agitated

maybe you don't get me

then
nobody gets me
and i suddenly want to cry
am crying
in fact

shit

anyway
back to the dream
i was talking to david wolfe
he was saying he doesn't like buddhists
or that they don't like his philosophy
or something
because he doesn't eat fish
this didn't even make sense to me in the dream

i said:
i don't think that there is anything in buddhism
that mandates the eating of fish
and i have good feeling towards buddhists in general
i wouldn't say that i am one
or that my conception of the universe is buddhist
(although i did remember saying that about one big energy/soul
and i think that's kinda like nirvana
when you lose your individual-ness and become one
which used to seem horrifying when i was younger)

i said:
i think
my philosophy
is more in line with taoism, as i understand taoism
that there is one energy in everything
and you can go with that energy
or you can fight against that energy
and the one will lead to greater ease and happiness
and the other will lead to greater struggle and pain
buddhism is more about control of the self
tao is more about learning to just be

(zen buddhism
was heavily influenced
by taoism)

what does it mean that i'm talking to david wolfe
at all
much less about life philosophy

i just did that exercise again
and now your name is
a series
of
martial arts weapons in movement
so this is either
completely useless
or
related
in
some way
i
just
can't see yet

my dreams
and
this
here
now
i mean

and
i just had a random thought
jeff bridges
was starman

a little bed time story

let's-call-her-uma used to work with me
i was attracted to her
in the extreme
but
i never really wanted to sleep with her
i never really even wanted to
imagine
sleeping with her
not really
i just wanted to look at her

no one ever gets that

but i bet you do

the funny thing is
it was her girlfriend let's-call-her-twyla
that i ended up sleeping with

both uma and twyla knew i was attracted to uma
uma used it to her advantage whenever she could
twyla never held it against me
in fact
in a really really creepy moment
she wanted to show me some naked pictures she had taken of uma
which
especially at the point she wanted to show them to me
i really really didn't want to see

they had a really fucked up relationship

uma was from an i'm-gonna-say-wealthy background
and twyla was from an i'm-gonna-say-poor-white-trash background
i have a problem with rich/upper-middle-class people and i always have
i have a problem with poor white trash too
but we were the poor relations...so...

whatever
background

uma and twyla and i went out together sometimes
to the lesbian bar
twyla was tiny
well
maybe not shorter than me
but small boned, slim
somewhere between a pixie and a tomboy
with short strawberry blonde hair and freckles
i had never been attracted to her
i just liked her a lot
but she had been abused or something and she acted out her sexuality badly
she would get drunk, really drunk, on tequila
and sleep with people
(who in her defense were people known to her, not random strangers
but who were not her girlfriend, nor girlfriend approved)
this is how she got her son
for which her girlfriend never really forgave her
but
they were locked
don't you see
together
in
love

one night
twyla got drunk
and she put her mouth on my breast
right in front of uma
and
if i could explain to you all the stuff
that went through me at that moment
i can tell you some of it
all the stuff you'd imagine
fear, confusion, re evaluation, arousal, hey-i-didn't-have-anything-to-do-with-this-uma-please-do-not-punch-me-in-the-face
but also
some sort of weird kink-maternal thing
and the realization that on some deep level twyla must be attracted to me

tequila makes me accessible
hallucinogens make me transcendentally beautiful
whatever

anyway
it unsettled me
things progressed from there

but
whereas
uma was ginger
(for the sake of metaphor)
twyla was maryann
harder to keep at a distance

whatever
background

so she was my friend
and she flirted
and i flirt
but
i like safe flirting
if i'm having fun
or very cerebral flirting
if i'm being serious
but
she was neither of those things with me
and it was disturbing
so i took to teasing her
which, i mean, i'd do anyway with a friend
but
it was more like
when she'd kinda come on to me
i'd be like:


yeah yeah i could get ya any time i want
all i need is a bottle of tequila


and she said to me:

calling a woman a whore is not an effective flirting strategy


only she may not have put it in exactly those terms


anyway
i think i was using that
to try to keep her away
not to try to flirt with her

anyway
so
when we finally, um
got together

she said:
did you notice
i didn't drink
anything

don't have time right now (and besides i wanna think about it a bit) but i have a story i wanna tell you

somethin about a warehouse

i can't remember
most of the details
so really
i guess
i'm just
writing here
for an excuse
to tell you that i love you
and i worry about you sometimes
so please take good care of yourself

i remember i was in a warehouse, worked there i think

and there was something about
the way i was dressed
or getting dressed
or my clothes
i just don't
know
and
i had
a conversation
with my supervisor
about god vs religion
how i believe in the one
but not the other, really at all
how i don't think they are generally related

but then after i woke up i thought maybe that
wasn't good somehow, like maybe, it had really been
you [disguised] in the dream
and you'd interpret it as
losing my religion
or something
so
if
you're
ever hanging out in my dreams
i'm not trying to discourage you
or hurt your feelings-- just in case you'd ever be inclined to think that

i think it's weird that i worry about you misinterpreting my dreams
from the inside
i think
i think there is no good reason to believe
you can see into my thoughts
even if i think them at you very hard

yet still
i think, somehow, that maybe you pop in there
and take things out of context
when my subconscious
is in control

it's all got to do, i think
with my belief that we are somehow connected
and i wish i understood what i really mean by that

maybe we were together
in a past life
i used to believe in that
but
more and more
i am less and less certain
of the distinctness of the individual soul
more and more i feel that we are all parts of a bigger energy
which i like to call god

maybe there is a big pool of collective unconscious
from which we all draw
well
that all just confuses
what our connection to one another could be
outside the framework of our current timeline

there is something though
something that makes me feel you
through space and time
those energy orgasms
they come from you
but i don't know
if you know
that you're sending them when you're sending them
maybe
it's resonance

but
i don't know
that doesn't seem quite right either
whatever

there's a part of me
right now
that's snuggled up to you
cheek to shoulder blade
fingers wandering
across chest
stomach
tracking back up to hip
and down thigh
hovering
feeling for the subtle energies
to indicate
where next
and now
i'm rolling over you
in a way that is wholly non corporeal
pushing against you
cupping silken flesh
shifting their weight gently within my hand
stretching flexing my fingers
to broaden the scope of gentle reach
but never with any particular goal
tonight
tonight
i am gentle
it's late
and we're tired
i kiss you
feeling the slight fullness of your lower lip
and i try to remember how i used to do this thing
and
i keep my hand from your buttock
which i want to know
it is dark
i can't see
and
clothed
i can tell nothing
i restrain the blind woman in me
i rest the palm of my hand against the small of your back
and i don't need to remember the lip thing
because you are kissing me
and you have your own lip thing
and i have the lips for it
and we aren't even using our tongues
it's all very much
about the touch of skin
that is what i'm feeling
tonight
and
it could go so many ways from there
maybe we just fall asleep like that
in a state
more of deep intimacy
than high arousal
maybe
maybe there is forever
to learn you by touch