goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
I know I didn't write today
but
I did think about it
tomorrow

something
😁

pluck

ok
i wanna tell you this
i feel like it's anti-sexy
so i probably shouldn't tell you
but
i don't seem to be able to stop myself

when i saw you last
i did not shave my legs
i have not shaved my legs for like
twenty years
and now
i have various leg "issues" which would make it
harder for me
besides
i wear bi-focals
and i can't really see

whatever
i didn't
however
i did shave my arm pits
and

i waxed my face

well
not really wax i think
that "nad's" stuff--  sticky vegetal gel
because
i looked at myself
and i said
this is not good enough
i'm not going to see him with all this facial hair

it worked really well
i was very happy with it
and it lasted a while too

however
it did not last forever
and
it now seems worse
and i've had really a lot of breakouts on my chin
and i pick at them
so
my skin has been actively sore
normally
i pluck facial hair almost constantly
but
the stuff that grows on my chin
isn't hair
it's whiskers
and
even under the best of circumstances
it hurts a lot to pluck it
but for the last almost month
i'm just like
no
i can't

and i won't shave
i just won't
it's too far
i'm not a man
i know women shave their faces
they even (some of them) talk about it
but i just can not bring myself to do it


so
for the last couple weeks
i've been going to work
really expecting someone to say something
bearded lady, much
even though
seriously
it's white or very pale blonde
it's only noticeable, really, if the light hits it just right
at which point
it looks
honestly
more like some alien thing than a beard

but
i cannot tell you how much i hate it
and
i'm just owning it
because
owwwww
ya know

and
nobody would say anything
and maybe they haven't noticed

and
i dropped my tweezers
that i keep always by my side
accidentally somewhere under my chair
and i didn't even crawl around on my belly like a reptile

i just
on the way home
stopped at cvs
and bought a new tweezer and a box of sally hansen cold wax strips
(they didn't have the nad's)
because i have been using a new thing
that has almost cleared up my face [zinc pca, i think]
and i'm going to remove hair

one day
and i may regret it when i do
i'm going to buy one of those facial planing tools
and just shave that way
the girl-y way
because
for some reason
that
is a place
i draw the line

Note from the Parking Lot

it just rained here
the air smells green
and rich
and earthy
it's like a gift
Earth smell
Sea smell
probably woods smell too
not sure
I feel better
human
it's literally like
I took a hand full of anti-depressants

I want to tell you how much I love you

how nothing matters
except that love
but
maybe that's hormones too
maybe the things that make me unhappy
will still make me unhappy
and still matter
just not as much
as when I'm super super depressed about it

I like these hormones
can I have these instead of the crappy ones
and the ones that grow whiskers
please
seriously, please

Ok
well
I found out
there will be blood
WTF
isn't this more or less two months in a row
FUCK@#${¶}¥€π~
I found how to get those keys

I don't want this now
but at least I was only emotionally incapacitated
no migraine
no dizziness
so

YAY!

I have no idea what is going on
I am stressed out about it

Also
I thought that was the way to go with 11:11
but now I don't
too joke-y, I guess
but I'm not sure where to go from there

So
something will be written today
but it may be stand-up about my job
rather than anything deep

I dreamed
I was working in a coffee shop
I begged to work on Saturday nights
because it was busy
then
I volunteered to clean the bathrooms
and ended up cleaning out a closet

Very Weird

I feel super crappy
cramping for no obvious reason
I'm seriously like an inch from a fuge state mentally

I love you
I can't handle anything
like not anything at all
just nothing
I'm having hormones I think
but
they don't know which way to go
I might so
I might punch somebody

Dude
It's a wide berth day
does that make sense

11:11 (a work in progress)

11:11

this is what I keep coming back to
so this is what I'm gonna write
I don't know that it's good

tomorrow

Love

I'm not right
hormonally
that's for certain sure
I can't stop crying

and I haven't heard the first hour yet
and I'm fucking up
our very good day

I might just be broken

I guess
when it came down to it
my fantasy wasn't really to write
my fantasy was romantic you & me stuff
and
I understand
maybe
that's not real
it's just this
and
I said I wanted to write
but maybe I didn't really want to
I wanted to mourn
you and me and the puppyfish in the house by the sea and all the stuff
I'm never gonna have
and pain pain pain

maybe
I just wanted to get you off my back
and
I seem to have grievances
and
I don't know what you really want from me
and
it all just spirals off
again and again

and
I really have to write something
but
I don't seem to want to write the trumplandia story

so
starting tomorrow
SOMETHING
but
I can't guarantee
sweetness

I can't get happy enough for sweetness

the only stuff that's anything
is kinda surreal
so maybe
maybe I am crazy, after all

I love you very much

goodnight

ok
I checked
my recorder is recording
I love you
hope everything is wonderful with you

just in case this interests you

cool stuff

small fude pen

large fude pen

slightly fude pen

not a fude pen, but modified

i ordered this one before i went on ebay

I talked to my taper
and he will record for me
I fell down a pen rabbit hole
and ended up ordering a cheap cool pen
which might come tomorrow
and
some weird refurbished fude pens
even cheaper off eBay

also
I was going to see van Gogh today
but I woke up with a bad headache

ended up taking a bath
and eating Mexican food

I've been depressed
I think
or
moody anyway

I'm trying to be in a storytelling mode
but
it just comes out
shit from my childhood
and
I don't think you wanna hear that crap

I love you
very much
sweetheart
but
I'm pretty sure I'm not giving you what you want right now
and
I'm sorry about that

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

fell asleep in chair
used different oils

gotta go to bed

I love you very much sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

my excessive night time skincare routine

i fell asleep in the chair again

i'm very excited about my skincare routine
which might not interest you
but
i have to tell you about it anyway

ok
i bought the dhc astaxanthin
at ulta
i found it on amazon like a year ago
but i didn't want to buy it without testing it first
i've been aware of dhc since the 90s but i've never tried any of their stuff
but i was looking for an astaxanthin product
i got an email or something letting me know that ulta was carrying dhc
and i went by the same day
and it was there
on the shelf
no tester
i asked the sales girl and she opened one

i really like it
and i got a sample of the dhc cleansing oil
[which you might not know, but it's iconic
one sells every like 17 seconds or something]
and
i've never really been a cleansing oil girl
i just don't ever like it
and i didn't expect to like this either
but i do
it's olive oil, but it's whisper light
and it has a mild rosemary scent
(from rosemary oil)
and i am a sucker for rosemary
i hate when stuff smells like roses or ylang ylang or whatever
but rosemary sends me to the moon
but
it's subtle
i didn't notice it consciously

then i use my egg white soap
leave it on for 5 minutes as a facial

then witch hazel
this stuff cleans off any soap residue and rebalances my skin
i love it
i love how it smells
cannot quit this stuff
did not take it on the road with me the last time
and didn't miss it
so, idk, but if it's handy i can't walk past it

then
i start the serious stuff
i have a mist i'm using so i can start damp
it's not my favorite but i got it half price
and it does contain kombucha
but also rose water, so mixed bag

then the ordinary marine hyaluronics
i would rather fight than switch on this product
i love love love it
i had been using the vichy89 serum and i wasn't lookin to change
but the ordinary sent me an email telling me it had won a buch of awards
and telling me i could buy up to three at half price
that was months ago
i never used the vichy again

then propolis serum
this is new but i think it is effective so we'll see

then mizon night repair
this is a little less "clean"
but i like mizon
i used the snail all-in-one quite a bit in the past
and i got it cheaply enough on sale
that i wanted to see if the natto would do anything exciting
i use galactomyces in the day
and i was gonna use bifida ferment lysate at night
but i thought, no, let's see what mizon thinks is a good night "seruming ampoule"
whatever that is
i miss it if i leave it out
and i like the feel of it with marine hyaluronics
(which i had been leaving off at night)
much better than without

then resiliency serum
which i got in a box
and even though i really hate the smell of carrot seed oil
i'm using because it seems like the most active thing in the routine
aloe and carrot seed oil basically
idk honestly tonight is the first night i'm adding it into night routine

then astaxanthin all-in-one
and then
i stop
i do dinner and whatnot
my skin feels pretty happy at that point

then later
when i'm done with all that
if i got stuff on my face
i use a cleansing cloth to clean up
and if i need to
maybe touch up as needed
before the next round

the spa cream
i had put it on a subscription on amazon
and it came yesterday
and i had to do a little dance around the room
i love it so much
i'm trying not to slather it on

then honua olena oil
this came in a box too
but
my god, it is love in a bottle
it's turmeric and noni infused into hawaiian oils
all traditional healer method
and i love the smell of the turmeric
and the infusion oils seem to feel different

ok
are you ready
sometimes this is the last step
yasuni balm
this was in a box
and i love this
it makes me feel loved
and
i think it is doing really good things for my face
but
i don't know how i am going to afford to buy it
or live without it
i feel very intensely about it

now
sometimes this isn't the last step
sometimes i sit around
or fall asleep in the chair
and it all more or less sinks in
and i want another layer to sink in overnight
and that is this acai fig marula oil
i got this in a box too
i have literally spent days off just applying this oil every few hours all day long
i love it too

that's a lot of steps

and
the thing is
i wouldn't even say my skin is dry

although
who can say
i'm not normally leaving it bare
but it never feels tight
but
i think i've always tended toward dehydration
and the addition of hydrators
instead of just moisturizers
has made a big difference

i'm probably going to need to stop the boxes
i mean
i do about half the time with pearlesque
and maybe a third of the time with love goodly
but you can't skip on boxwalla
but there are only six a year
and they are mostly wonderful
but
if i get a routine that i want to stick with
i'll need to stop the boxes
and try to buy the stuff with that money


but
this is a big chunk of what i'm focusing on now


goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much

goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much