goodnight baby

I've been listening
to that one thing

goodnight sweetheart

I'm exhausted
from being with her
I have to go to bed now
I have to go to work in the morning
I wish
I loved her more

hope your day is beautiful

I love you sweets

it's good, that book

I'm most of the way through it

Chit Chat Summer

everyone on instagram is taking pictures in sunglasses
otherwise known, apparently, as "sunnys"
which
apparently makes me cringe
idk why shades is ok
but sunnys is so horrible
I would want to walk away and never
talk to someone again
if they described their headgear as sunnys
it's not a newness thing
I like new
I had to talk myself down
a few years ago
over gum
"fire" it was called
I wanted cinnamon gum
I would have accepted cinnamon
or even redhot
which has the advantage of being
something I grew up hearing
before
I really gave it much thought
and besides the shit is usually red
and always like a hot cinnamon
"fire" doesn't describe cinnamon
fire is not a good flavor word
I do not want fire gum-- it turns me off
consumer-wise
it's just a bullshit marketing word
I told myself
like arctic blast, shit like that
yeah, but i don't like that either


you liked green squall
yeah, well
that had poetry


but it didn't describe the flavor
you're counting points
for phrases you personally like


isn't that what marketing is all about
and I don't want to reward "fire" gum


ok, do you want some fucking cinnamon gum?
because, if you do, you got to buy the fire
it should taste like smoke
smoked cinnamon gum!
I would totally buy that


fine, just get the Shaun White gum
that doesn't seem to offend you


it's like that
in my head


sunnys
to me
doesn't sound cool
or neutral
or whatever
it sounds overtly plastic
in a way I find kinda skin crawly


I am also not fond of the term
"it literally gives me life"
which all the youtubers seem to use
meaning: this makes me happy
happiness is important
no doubt
just really hate that turn of a phrase


probably
people feel that way about awesome


whatever

i love you

I am having a strange tension
mild anxiety thing
going on
I hope you are ok

beauty

remember that guy
who irritated me
he would try to compliment me
with things that weren't true
and i said
I don't care if he is gay
he needs to stop looking at my ass
remember him?
well
I really like him now
he's the one who made me the wig
so we've been friendly a while now
but
we have conversations, sometimes
about the confining nature
of gender expectations
and, really, I think that was part of what made him stop saying to me what all women want to hear, but I do not
but
also
he's watched me
through my makeup journey
and
Michelle at work is doing the whole
YouTube watching
makeup journey too
and I brought her a blending brush
I got in my ipsy
because she was having trouble
finding a brush to do what she wanted


we'll call him D
was impressed
and may or may not
have called me a makeup diva
and it didn't even bother me


but
he wants to wear makeup
but
he also doesn't want to
it's a difficult thing
the whole gender expression issue
but
lately he's been leaning toward
and I personally don't think it is at all a binary
but today
I bought eye shadow for a man
which I'm pretty sure I've never done before
but I saw this beautiful quad
except it's actually a quint
but that sounds weird
with a beautiful peacock blue
and he's dark
so it's not like it would be bright
but I texted him to tell him
I just bought you an inappropriate gift


I think maybe that all tells you
something about how I am
that you might not know


hope everything's great with you
I promise not to buy you makeup
unless you want me to
:)

i slept most of today

I'm going in at midnight
promo change
I got a lot done earlier
so I'm just really changing one big area
and I've got the product already
then
signage
Wednesday
so
hope your holiday is good
I love you

i sometimes wish

you would
pick out perfume
something you want me to smell like
something that reminds you of me
something very personal
and send it to me
then
I could wear it
and have that whole
like
interactive
experience


is that crazy


is that even the kind of thing you'd do


maybe
or
maybe not

ok, kinda excited about this

I've been rehab-ing my foot/ankle whatever
so
whenever I have a minute
or it aches
or I think about it
I'm stretching it
until it hurts a little
in an awkward angle


so
fast forward
it's still a little achy
but
it is now
more flexible
by about fifteen degrees
in any direction
than the other one


and I'm like
oh yeah
dumbass
probably shoulda stretched em both


but
whatever
it underscores the point


good morning baby

i feel pretty good

not completely ache free
but
maybe completely pain free
the ankle is a bad ache
but
not bad, ya know
I got some herb that was supposed to
clean out my lymph
I'm prone to lymph congestion
though I don't especially feel any now
but that shit made me fee ratchet
I took it wed and Thurs
and it took Friday and Saturday
to get back to normal
but it wasn't like detoxy bad
it was like
this herb doesn't like you bad


but
the grocery store yesterday was like a party
even the people working there
were singing along


big wheel keep on turnin
proud Mary keep on burnin
rollin
rollin
rollin on a river

i was waiting with you

you were about to do something
and I was watching
how you manage
stress, preparatory to action
I was impressed
and we talked about it
you said something
brilliant that I want to remember
but I can't


then, suddenly
I see something
I think I saw your name on the feed
CNN, maybe, not sure now
but news feed


yes, you say
and wind it backwards
so I can read the headline


then
the scene changes
John Lennon is still alive
and I'm in his girlfriend's room
talking to her
she is mid twenties
blonde
really smart and funny
and very attractive
she's talking about John
and all the things she finds odd about him
and I gather
he and Yoko ate still together
this girl is the girlfriend
Yoko is fine with it
though she doesn't like the girl much


do you think it's weird
she asks me
the difference in our ages
no, I say
age is totally relative
it how you feel together that matters


and then I have to go to my room
which I across the street
at the warehouses
I meet someone else i know
I don't like being naked in public, I say
because I am noticing
I'm not wearing anything
and I go into a late night diner
there in the warehouses
we're talking
and I say
it sounds like a cliche
but every woman is beautiful
some are stupid, but even they are not stupid about everything
and the one thing they know
you might learn something
I think there was more
it seemed deeper in the moment


good morning angel

domes, tents, horses, fire...

i've got inventory today

I have to go at 3:30am
I'm not enthusiastic about that


I love you

my theory about the bad dreams

is that
as the scar tissue and whatnot is being broken down
emotional resonances are being released
and
rather than reliving whatever actually
is stored there
I'm just translating the feeling
into something currently in my mind


the other day
I dreamed I put an red hot pan
into cold water
ruining it
and it had been a new pan


that's not something I've ever done
it doesn't have much relevance
but
whatever
feelings


I hope
you're ok
and
that that dream has no relevancy


I love you

i don't know why i'm having bad dreams

I dreamed a bunch of weird stuff
my step father called me
he faked his death


but
the thing that really upset me


sometime in the middle of the night
I almost wrote you right then
but I was hoping I'd just forget it if I went back to sleep


you were looking at me
and your teeth were all yellow and brown striped and twisted, malformed
but you were looking at me
and you said
I'm diabetic
I'm tired
I don't have any interest in you
I don't love you any more


wtf is that shit


I realize
dreams don't have to mean anything
and
I'm not saying this dream meant anything
but
it did upset me

ok. i was just at the grocery store

they play oldies music
like seventies oldie
and
usually
rock
but today, in addition to that
they played the gambler
ya know, Kenny Rogers


now
I listened to this song
as a kid
and ya know, liked it, ok
but
the last few years
every time I hear it
and by few
I'm not sure
I might mean ten, ya know


when he sings the line


and somewhere in the darkness
the gambler he broke even


I tear up, a little


that's who I am
I guess

just woke up from a bad dream

why am I having bad dreams

i love you

the shoulder blade's much better
today is neck and lower back
I went to bed at 7:30 last night
and slept til 6:00
and
I'm still tired
but not hungry
I had an avocado
two grapefruits
and 100 calories worth of broth yesterday
well
plus coffee
still
not hungry
weird

update

ok
I am what, like a week and a half in
this serrapeptase kicks ass
I am planning a broth fast
I'm going to make kombu & shiitake
and
I might take chlorella
I suddenly feel like
I might not just have to be
a suit of armor
I might be able to move
and breathe
I can breathe


of course
the silly thing
once the PAIN is gone
you feel all the aches
and they start bothering you
like right now
I really need to pop my shoulder blade
three days ago
I wouldn't have bothered to complain
but today


and I have
that healing fatigue
but
whatever
I'm gonna lose weight
I'm gonna get fit-ish
I'm gonna have some life yet


I'm really happy


you should really try this stuff