I love you sweetheart
Saturday, September 14, 2019
Friday, September 13, 2019
i'm seeing so clearly
a trajectory
a trajectory which i really knew already
but somehow it's clearer to me now
from tones in voices
and
stuff
than from science
and
other stuff has happened
i'm not saying life didn't go on
but
in a way it didn't
it's like a lost love
but worse
i get it now so clearly
which somehow cosmically mirrors
my coming to understand something about my father
and how i hurt him
driving home from santa cruz that first time
learned about my relationship with my father from you
and maybe it's a writer-y thing
this seeing of dramatic story arcs
from fine motion clockwork peaches
but you know what ya'll have to do now
it has got to got to happen
scientific thesis
and
another realization
i might love fleeting more than the others
whether it's "better" or not
because
that's where i heard the call
it seemed so strong a cry for love
and i said to
myself
i want that
and i was a gonner after that
i had ideas about you before
that never would have led me to approach you
i doubt i would ever have spoken to you
except for the eye contact/connection that night
but
the whole thing
it was them as much as you
that atmosphere
that night
so
wow
such a tenuous thread of fate
that has joined me to this path
i hadn't realized
it had always just seemed like
of course
it's my mission
but
clearly
it was
sequenced
a trajectory
a trajectory which i really knew already
but somehow it's clearer to me now
from tones in voices
and
stuff
than from science
and
other stuff has happened
i'm not saying life didn't go on
but
in a way it didn't
it's like a lost love
but worse
i get it now so clearly
which somehow cosmically mirrors
my coming to understand something about my father
and how i hurt him
driving home from santa cruz that first time
learned about my relationship with my father from you
and maybe it's a writer-y thing
this seeing of dramatic story arcs
from fine motion clockwork peaches
but you know what ya'll have to do now
it has got to got to happen
scientific thesis
and
another realization
i might love fleeting more than the others
whether it's "better" or not
because
that's where i heard the call
it seemed so strong a cry for love
and i said to
myself
i want that
and i was a gonner after that
i had ideas about you before
that never would have led me to approach you
i doubt i would ever have spoken to you
except for the eye contact/connection that night
but
the whole thing
it was them as much as you
that atmosphere
that night
so
wow
such a tenuous thread of fate
that has joined me to this path
i hadn't realized
it had always just seemed like
of course
it's my mission
but
clearly
it was
sequenced
i love you sweetheart-- the adventure continues
never mind the maneuvers just go straight at em
is what jack aubrey says
that nelson always said in battle
and that
is what i'm saying to you
that
and that if you haven't read those books
i recommend all 20 of em
have all the fun
is what jack aubrey says
that nelson always said in battle
and that
is what i'm saying to you
that
and that if you haven't read those books
i recommend all 20 of em
have all the fun
Thursday, September 12, 2019
once i had a clothes line
there's a thing with clothes
or maybe i just think there is
if you've worn em once or twice
and you didn't really get em dirty
then after a while
they just kinda air out
now
i haven't tested this out in a while
but i'm on this long stretch of not doing laundry
just kinda hand washing
bits and bobs
i don't wanna get too deeply into it
the point is
i wanted to wear these pants
they're green
i wore them probably once
months ago
and i haven't done a green load
now
now i have to do green loads
and red loads and purple loads
and white loads
it's enough to make your head spin
i used to just do laundry
everything was black and it didn't matter
whatever
the pants aren't clean
and they've been on the floor for months
so
like a twenty year old
i pick em up and sniff em
they smell like
nothing at all
theory proven, yet again
but
the act of doing it
reminded me of when i had a clothes line
something you don't know about me
i wash everything on delicate
and i hang almost everything
i've started playing little games with the dryer in the last year or so
drying things partially
drying things i care less about
whatever
fundamentally i hang my clothes to dry
but
when i was twenty-seven
i lived in a house with a yard
and it had a clothes line
i'd walk to the detached garage
the door always open
wash my laundry
and then hang it on the line
and
this is one of the touchstone experiences
when clothes dry on the line
they come out a little stiff
not fluffy like if you use dryer sheets
[which i have never in my life used--
i guess i really am a hippy
biocleen soap with grapefruit seed extract
and no no no to the dryer sheets]
i'm not maybe mad for the stiffness
what i am mad for
the smell
clothes from the line smell of the sun
that won't make any sense unless you've smelled them
but
i love it
and today
when i smelled my pants
it brought the memories of the clothes line and the smell of the sun
crashing back to me
and
it was a much better day
or maybe i just think there is
if you've worn em once or twice
and you didn't really get em dirty
then after a while
they just kinda air out
now
i haven't tested this out in a while
but i'm on this long stretch of not doing laundry
just kinda hand washing
bits and bobs
i don't wanna get too deeply into it
the point is
i wanted to wear these pants
they're green
i wore them probably once
months ago
and i haven't done a green load
now
now i have to do green loads
and red loads and purple loads
and white loads
it's enough to make your head spin
i used to just do laundry
everything was black and it didn't matter
whatever
the pants aren't clean
and they've been on the floor for months
so
like a twenty year old
i pick em up and sniff em
they smell like
nothing at all
theory proven, yet again
but
the act of doing it
reminded me of when i had a clothes line
something you don't know about me
i wash everything on delicate
and i hang almost everything
i've started playing little games with the dryer in the last year or so
drying things partially
drying things i care less about
whatever
fundamentally i hang my clothes to dry
but
when i was twenty-seven
i lived in a house with a yard
and it had a clothes line
i'd walk to the detached garage
the door always open
wash my laundry
and then hang it on the line
and
this is one of the touchstone experiences
when clothes dry on the line
they come out a little stiff
not fluffy like if you use dryer sheets
[which i have never in my life used--
i guess i really am a hippy
biocleen soap with grapefruit seed extract
and no no no to the dryer sheets]
i'm not maybe mad for the stiffness
what i am mad for
the smell
clothes from the line smell of the sun
that won't make any sense unless you've smelled them
but
i love it
and today
when i smelled my pants
it brought the memories of the clothes line and the smell of the sun
crashing back to me
and
it was a much better day
Wednesday, September 11, 2019
it's like semi a tradition for me to write about 911 on the date each year
i haven't actually
not every year
and i wasn't sure that i had anything new to add
not really
i mean
it's 18 years out
whatever children were being born on that-- inauspicious day
[does inauspicious seem an appropriate word?]
they have reached their majority
unless we're talking drinking
[which has never made sense as far as i'm concerned]
why not save any spare thoughts for the 20, ya know
i saw a lot of posts today
and many of them were moving
or
good tribute at least in one way or another
but
the one that stood out to me
perhaps because i can't recall seeing it before
though, surely i did
was this:
https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/911-new-yorker-covers
the first one pictured from sept 24, 2001
idk why
but
that is so beautiful and right
it just really grounded my thoughts about it
i always go back through my memories
Polaroids in a train case, perhaps
a scattered ticker tape of shredded starbucks receipts for water
and the story of my brother walking across the bridge to brooklyn
casey and i at aunty pastos
the poor truck driver with not one to receive the truck
margeaux who was a new hire then
and how proud she was to wear the t-shirt with the flag
stabucks put out after the fact
that whole flag hysteria
my flag is bigger than your flag
when are you going to do something about that element
she's got a kid now must be like 12
and the plane
hitting the tower
again
and
again
and again
i didn't see the people holding hands, jumping
until
right now
and now i'm thinking about the stairwells
i was at work today
and i didn't finish by 10
in fact it was about 11 when i finished
myrka (i can't see to decide on the spelling of her name, can i)
she is the signage "pos" co ordinator
so you'd expect her to be good at signs
but
my god
it was amazing
normally i have a rep or reps
who show up whenever and have to constantly ask where things are
even though i have them sorted
and they talk constantly
myrka closed the night before
but she was there before me
and i was on time
she didn't ask
she found most of it with no problem
and i had to ask her if she seemed to be wandering
and
we didn't talk at all!
amazing, refreshing, wowing
anyway
amanda came in at 11
so when i finished at 10 til 11
she was sitting in the break room
and she said:
i remember 9/11
i was in middle school
[she said some more after that
but i really didn't hear it]
you were in middle school?
and i start counting back
she's like 31 or 32
she basically 20 years younger than me
i was 34
so, yeah
she was in middle school
and somewhere in the back of my mind
that particulate matter--
part ash
part pulverized building materials
whatever-- that stuff
is still swirling and huffing into every little nook and cranny
as if nothing will ever be clean again
not every year
and i wasn't sure that i had anything new to add
not really
i mean
it's 18 years out
whatever children were being born on that-- inauspicious day
[does inauspicious seem an appropriate word?]
they have reached their majority
unless we're talking drinking
[which has never made sense as far as i'm concerned]
why not save any spare thoughts for the 20, ya know
i saw a lot of posts today
and many of them were moving
or
good tribute at least in one way or another
but
the one that stood out to me
perhaps because i can't recall seeing it before
though, surely i did
was this:
https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/911-new-yorker-covers
the first one pictured from sept 24, 2001
idk why
but
that is so beautiful and right
it just really grounded my thoughts about it
i always go back through my memories
Polaroids in a train case, perhaps
a scattered ticker tape of shredded starbucks receipts for water
and the story of my brother walking across the bridge to brooklyn
casey and i at aunty pastos
the poor truck driver with not one to receive the truck
margeaux who was a new hire then
and how proud she was to wear the t-shirt with the flag
stabucks put out after the fact
that whole flag hysteria
my flag is bigger than your flag
when are you going to do something about that element
she's got a kid now must be like 12
and the plane
hitting the tower
again
and
again
and again
i didn't see the people holding hands, jumping
until
right now
and now i'm thinking about the stairwells
i was at work today
and i didn't finish by 10
in fact it was about 11 when i finished
myrka (i can't see to decide on the spelling of her name, can i)
she is the signage "pos" co ordinator
so you'd expect her to be good at signs
but
my god
it was amazing
normally i have a rep or reps
who show up whenever and have to constantly ask where things are
even though i have them sorted
and they talk constantly
myrka closed the night before
but she was there before me
and i was on time
she didn't ask
she found most of it with no problem
and i had to ask her if she seemed to be wandering
and
we didn't talk at all!
amazing, refreshing, wowing
anyway
amanda came in at 11
so when i finished at 10 til 11
she was sitting in the break room
and she said:
i remember 9/11
i was in middle school
[she said some more after that
but i really didn't hear it]
you were in middle school?
and i start counting back
she's like 31 or 32
she basically 20 years younger than me
i was 34
so, yeah
she was in middle school
and somewhere in the back of my mind
that particulate matter--
part ash
part pulverized building materials
whatever-- that stuff
is still swirling and huffing into every little nook and cranny
as if nothing will ever be clean again
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Saturday, September 7, 2019
i stayed home sick today
i'm not sure how sick i am
it might be mostly exhaustion
i've got a promo change wednesday
and i'm trying to get everything moved around
i moved a lot of case stacks yesterday
and i expected to be sore
but
when i woke up
it felt more like i had a cold
i've had a bad cough lately
it all might be allergies and exhaustion
but i called out sick anyway
which was how i found out about that one thing
almost an hour before hand
i made another version of vegan mac + cheese
instead of the butternut squash
i used three red bell peppers-- tiny ones from the imperfect produce
my original plan had been to stuff them
but they were too small
also i used more smoked paprika
and some cumin
and less mustard
it came out very nacho cheese-y
i tried stirring it
and stopping while it still had a wet texture
which looks better
but
it doesn't taste better
it tastes the best when it's dry
and it's a little too brown to look pretty
the ides of march thing has me confused
so i'm not sure how to cook that
temperature control
or free-style
to make everything come out right
and the aliens might be sloping around
just outside the window
and the government might be reading my brain
tin foil hats all round
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
i'm not sure how sick i am
it might be mostly exhaustion
i've got a promo change wednesday
and i'm trying to get everything moved around
i moved a lot of case stacks yesterday
and i expected to be sore
but
when i woke up
it felt more like i had a cold
i've had a bad cough lately
it all might be allergies and exhaustion
but i called out sick anyway
which was how i found out about that one thing
almost an hour before hand
i made another version of vegan mac + cheese
instead of the butternut squash
i used three red bell peppers-- tiny ones from the imperfect produce
my original plan had been to stuff them
but they were too small
also i used more smoked paprika
and some cumin
and less mustard
it came out very nacho cheese-y
i tried stirring it
and stopping while it still had a wet texture
which looks better
but
it doesn't taste better
it tastes the best when it's dry
and it's a little too brown to look pretty
the ides of march thing has me confused
so i'm not sure how to cook that
temperature control
or free-style
to make everything come out right
and the aliens might be sloping around
just outside the window
and the government might be reading my brain
tin foil hats all round
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
Wednesday, September 4, 2019
I'm gonna dictate this
Last night I dreamed I was driving it was really weird it was like I was driving on these big giant overpasses and everything went up and down and over and it was snowing I think and it was really kind of scary and my perspective kept shifting. I'd be looking at it from the angle that I was in the car and then I'd be looking at it from this extreme bird's eye view and it was just weird.
and then I was going to be taking a train and there was some other person some other girl then I met and we were talking about taking the train but I don't really remember any other pertinent information except there were all these time constraints and money constraints and everything was very stressful.
and then I went to a diner I don't know if I was getting food to take on the train or if this was unrelated to the train but I was at the diner and I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat.
and then I went up to the counter and I saw that they had donuts and they had three different flavors and I was really tired and I was like you know what just give me a dozen of each of those flavors but there had been these two other girls who were trying to buy donuts and him and and hawing around and trying to figure out how to get a discount and not actually wanting to pay for the donuts.
and they grabbed one of my boxes of dozen donuts and come took off with them and then the girl who was working behind the counter didn't want to let me go with the donuts I was like it's fine just tell me the two dozen I'll just do without that other done doesn't and she's like no you ordered them and I'm like well yeah I ordered them right here but it's not like I ordered them in advance and you cook them special and besides you're the ones that let those other girls take them I'm like so now there aren't those dozen donuts so I'll just buy the two dozen that are still here and go.
and she's like no you have to go ahead and pay for them and will cook them and you come back when they're done and I'm like no I need to go I don't have time for that and they're like well you ordered them and you have to pay for them whether you take them or not. And I'm like that's ridiculous I need to talk to your manager.
and you don't understand I never asked to speak to somebody's manager I'm not sure I've ever asked to speak to somebody's manager I just don't do that but I mean it was just no way I was going to pay for some donuts I wasn't getting and they're the ones that let the other girls take them and they let them take them I just wanted to go at that point I don't even care if I got any donuts I just wanted to go.
but I ended up talking to the manager and they were like yeah that's fine you can just go so I took the two dozen donuts I don't remember what flavors they were now but they were really good-looking flavors and I was happy to have them but I had kind of a bad taste in my mouth from the whole experience.
So I really don't know what that means.
And I meant to write about it earlier but then I just didn't.
goodnight sweetheart
I love you very much
Monday, September 2, 2019
I fell asleep in the chair so I'm just going to dictate this so the lines aren't going to match up the way they usually do
I had a really terrible day at work today it was labor day and they were coupons and it was super busy and they scheduled a really light staff that would have been really busy on a regular day which I really don't understand
And Saturday Teddy texted me and it was turned into kind of a long texting conversation and so I felt bad and I said hey what's going to have coffee and I forgot that it was going to suck for the holiday so I was really unenthusiastic about going
But it wasn't really that bad
And I fell asleep in the chair and my head hurts I'm going to bed now
I love you very much sweetheart
Good night
Sunday, September 1, 2019
i've been sleeping in the chair
sitting straight up
all night
well, fie hours or so
i didn't even take my makeup off
ewwwww
i love you baby
ima take my dark world visions off to actual bed now
i think my favorite
is the train song
if you were wondering
although the ones on either side...
1,3,4,5,10, and 11
you already know i like
2 and 6 give strong tonal world back fill
and
particularly strong use of that one old song
j&j productions solid
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
sitting straight up
all night
well, fie hours or so
i didn't even take my makeup off
ewwwww
i love you baby
ima take my dark world visions off to actual bed now
i think my favorite
is the train song
if you were wondering
although the ones on either side...
1,3,4,5,10, and 11
you already know i like
2 and 6 give strong tonal world back fill
and
particularly strong use of that one old song
j&j productions solid
goodnight sweetheart
i love you very much
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