now that he's healed up enough that i can really see

he is missing teeth
I can't see how
but
he probably was hit by a car
and I want to complain that he's
permanently maimed
but
I have to say
I think his new nick name is lucky
because
I don't see how it's possible
to have been hit
and only sustain
the damage he did


poor kitty
and he's
so far
got no interest in going out

my cat was pretty distractingly injured

I've been letting him
go outside
because I don't want to be his jailor (sp?)
well he came rushing back in
all bloody in the face
it's not that he caught something
it's his blood
it looks like he got hit by a bus
but
that couldn't be what happened
because it is just one side of his mouth
and just on the bottom
it stopped bleeding on it's own
not pulsing or dripping
so he can't need stitches
he let me look at it
kinda
no growling or biting
no serious outburst
so I don't think anything's broken
I can't tell that he's missing any teeth
but there's this droopy look
that made me think
surely all of that was going on
he's my baby
so my first instinct was to snatch him up
and take him to the emergency vet
since, of course, this all happened
after I got home from work on Saturday
but
I can't afford the emergency vet
so, unless it's really warranted I can't do that


maybe he was chasing something
and ran into a wall
maybe he somehow got caught in the revolving door
at the building across the street
maybe he fell


none of those seems quite right
but
I cannot eliminate them with factual data
like I have the other things
he did come out and try to eat
when I woke up from my computer table
[I got rid of the sofa]
I moved the computer to the dining table
with a big chair
I still fall asleep
just slumped forward instead of back


he couldn't eat much though
he seemed to want me to do something then


I'm pretty unsettled by this
he looks like rocky after a bad bout

i guess everything really is connected

i've never really gotten into thrifting
not really
i've gone to a few "good" thrift stores
and mostly bought housewares
i'm not an average size
so clothes shopping holds it's challenges
and
it never seemed worth the trouble

but
it's a thing now
i'm all about the clothes
well, not really
not like when i was young
but
i'm about the color and excitement of changing up
a system that has worked really well for me

black clothes
you could pour wine and coffee and blood all over me
and
it washes out and doesn't stain
black clothes
all go together
if i have two semi clean pieces i'm good to go

but
not so with anything else
so i need grades of risk clothing
today i'm likely to get dirty
what will i not cry if i ruin

and that led me to the salvation army

now, there is a cheaper thrift store
like everything's a dollar
but
i'd have to drive there and it's busy, and in a neighborhood
i don't frequent
where i would feel uncomfortable if my car wouldn't start
and where i have specifically bad memories
which would rise from the deep to disturb the experience

i haven't been able to work myself up to that one, yet

salvation army, however, is large, mostly clothing
so, similar, but more expensive
and
a new one has opened less than a mile from my house

besides
i've donated a LOT of clothes over the years to the salvation army
[they have those convenient drop off centers]
so they owe me some good stuff


so i went
after work
and
it was an experience


they have things roughly sorted by color and like, sleeve length, or whatever
plus they have specials
which is fun
orange tag items 30% off
yellow tag items one dollar
of course i couldn't see any tags  --  on anything
how much is any of this, not sure
but, ya know, i'm looking for context clues
they had signs
sleeveless shirts $5.49
long-sleeve shirts $6.49

i mean they were in spanish
but i figured it out

i looked through a pretty substantial number of garments
and i had only found two i was sure would fit me
without trying them on
and i didn't want to do the whole dressing room thing

i was looking for sleeveless shells
or tanks or whatnot
that could be worn under jackets
and also a red jacket to go with my new red palazzos

so i had found
a silky green whatnot and an orangy knit shell

that was not very productive, i thought
the green whatnot, though a beautiful color and my size
looked more like a slip or nightgown than i really wanted to rock
i put it back
the orangy shell was coldwater creek
i have a strong bias against coldwater creek
which had made me put it back three times
only to pick it back up because it was beautiful, my size, and exactly what i was looking for
but i was rethinking it again
when i noticed two things successively

1) there was a small stain on the front hem

no no no
i gotta just walk away
too many negatives are stacked against this
i should just leave

2) a small yellow plastic strip--  like the kind to affix tags to clothing

omg this must be what they are talking about with the "tags"
not actual tags, tag gun plastics
so this shirt was now one dollar

ok, well, i'm fucking keeping that
it'll probably washout
it doesn't look like they washed it
looks like gravy
yuck

i wandered to the back of the store
where i found
plus
omg, they have a section of clothes that might fit me
they had a couple of black things i had to slap my hand and say no
and i really dark long-sleeved chocolate leopard shirt
which i told myself firmly i could not buy without trying it on
it didn't look like a style that would flatter
dressing rooms could not be negotiated
locked with no attendant
so, no

and finally there was a red heavy weight long-sleeved shirt
with a beautiful tone on tone pick stitch that looked hand worked
it was a brand i'm not familiar with and technically one size too small
but on the top one size too small often fits
especially for jackets which don't need to button
i tried it on
it felt a little tight in the shoulders
[i have this problem a lot]
but, it didn't seem tighter than taking out the shoulder pads would fix
i couldn't find a mirror, anywhere
i'm pretty good at remembering color
[although you aren't supposed to be able to do that]
and i was pretty sure this red shirt was very very close
but not the same as the palazzo pants
and sometimes very very close is the worst
because it looks like you were trying to match
but failing
same shade, same intensity, slightly different undertone
the pants, neutral red
the shirt just a little bit oranger
but
with the top
maybe a whole tonal explosion of goodness

whatever $6.49 + $1.00 = $7.49
you've been here like two hours
just pay for the experience and leave


so
today i'm washing the shirts
and i don't know how much they may fade
so i'm doing a small load with some underwear and sweat pants and stuff
things that can't ruin the new shirts
but also that the new shirts can't ruin
i've got a phobia about red
when deborah washed some of my white socks in a red load
but not others
and then i had weird unmatched blotchy pink socks
making me look even more white trash than was strictly necessary
it made a lasting impression

so
laundry
finally i had my issues resolved
but, naturally,
before i actually did the wash
i double checked the tags

long-sleeve was was delicate, line dry
ok, no dryer
orangy shell was 100% silk dry clean only

fuck
no wonder i liked it
100% silk knit is like my favorite

you've washed plenty of dry clean only things on delicate
yeah, but not silk
i think i should hand wash it
but i don't have a hand wash basin
what happened to it
i don't know it has been years and years since i've hand washed anything
just use a mixing bowl
yeah, ok, that works


so i did
i washed the silk in a mixing bowl
and
my father teaching me how to hand wash came flooding back
removing different kinds of stains
fresh stains, mind
i've never had any luck with set stains

he was coherent
and informative
and he knew what he was doing
i remember him saying
roll it in a towel
then press the towel hard
you cold maybe even sit on it
to get all the extra water out

where did he learn to hand wash clothes
he hung out with rich kids growing up
maybe he had a few very nice things he had to maintain
he had that whole thinkin he was james dean thing
maybe he was just extra particular about his appearance

i'm curious now

hey, just checkin in

I look crappy, so no pictures
I'm doin one of those promos
but I can't come in earlier than 8
I started my period
so I have break outs on my chin
but I was sick
and
blah blah
don't want to wear makeup
face hurts
rushing around


i love you


just
hiding my face


am curious about
timing or whatever
but
not asking questions


also


what's up, hotness?!

oh, i forgot

there was also a thing
where one of the supervisors
said something stupid
and I must have given him a look
and he said you're high
I am not, I said, and i resent the implication


also
someone was saying something
but i can't remember what
but
it had to do with my glasses
well, I said, really
[and this is true]
I wear high index glasses
if I didn't, they would be thick
coke bottle glasses
you wouldn't be able to see my eyes at all
and maybe they would even look weird
like magnified or something
[my grandmother had glasses like that
after her cataracts] magnifying


also there was a previous section
about skin care
some potion
and it was a big thing
but I just can't remember


also
something about
streamlining debt
taking your card in
to the bank
and having them do something
that made what you owed
cleaner
and clearer
and less
somehow


it was a big fad
everybody was doin it

i just had this long involved dream

work was taken over
by a group of supervisors
and they
asked you questions
and critiqued everything you did
but then
where we were seemed to be different
it was this enormous cavernous room
and you could walk
because there were so many rippling bumps on the floor
I asked about them
they didn't know
so I investigated
it was a, really a lot
of very thin area rugs
oh, I see, so it's just laziness
I said
and untangled them all and lay them flat
there was no business
you should separate
some of the back area into private rooms
charge people to
hang out and play video games
they'll drink the coffee anyway
yeah they said that's expensive
well, I say
we can write you exclusive video games
they will come specifically to play
[I do not know anything about programming in real life]
and we can write you exclusive house music
you'll see


then we walked out
and a customer was changing the trash bag
in the condiment bar
did you count the thirteen employees
who didn't do this
or stop me from doing it
she asked


but none of the supervisors
had time to listen to her
there was an installation unveiling
it had this large
strange shaped light bulb
and in the filament
it spelled out a date
and
something about Bernie
and there were all these
seemingly unrelated items
all in a big free standing
glass case
and a lady
started telling me something
about a key


but then my phone rang
and woke me up

corrections

ok
not good vibes
that's in Cali I think
I ordered from them
catalogue before online
I think the one in Seattle
is babeland
but not sure
also
if that sounded
like a made a trip to Seattle
for sex toys
that's not right
I just planned my visit
to include that
I was there for work
with limited free time
and I didn't make
subsequent shopping sprees
on subsequent visits
it was great
but
I'm not a fiend
and I'd seen it
but
it's worker owned, I think
or maybe that's good vibes again
I think both are female or worker owned
whatever
not important

i got a pre-screening email back from erotic cabaret

it's kinda general
and
of course they want to know
do I shop there
and I don't
it's in Montrose
and it's been there forever
so
I know I've been in it
but like maybe 30 years ago
I don't buy fantasy underwear
its not comfortable
and
if they had sex toys
they musta not wowed me
I made a special trip to good vibes in Seattle
so, now, if self conscious
you're supposed to apply to places
because you love them
not because you need a job
so
I have to decide
how I can honestly and legitimately
answer these questions
when spin might be the right answer
oh well
but
at least I got the email, huh
and I could totally do that job
no question

last night, i dreamed

that I was driving to work
and my headlights
went out
it was night
and everything
went pitch black
and
it was all I could do to pull my car into a parking lot
where there was a trucker
who was lost
I was just a few blocks from work
so
I was trying to get them
because there turned out to be three of them
to take me up the street
and I'd give them directions
but
I'm not sure they agreed
again
very strange

last night, weird dreams

I was singing
with some other girl
one of you know who's songs
and
I was singing kinda low
kinda
harmony
but, not exactly
because
not exactly
I thought it sounded fine
but you
you maybe didn't
I'm not sure of your motivations
but, you stuck a microphone in my hand
told me I was off-key
and told me to sing it alone
it pissed me off
so
I turned around
faced the room
and started singing something else
some Christmas song
can't remember
white Christmas? Maybe
but upbeat
for sure
maybe somethin else, not sure
and I was singin it for real
not all casual-like
but
ya know, to beat the band
but
it was a little defiant
not sure what that means


then
I was naturally back in school
and
all the girls
had to take their eyes off
like glasses
walking around eyeless
and every one of the girls
kept saying
I feel like someone is doing something
damaging my eyes
I can feel it
something is wrong with them
I have pain
all of them
were worried
it was upsetting, weird


I haven't got a clue
what that means

FOURTEEN

i love you

just in case you look here
i want you to know

i went to dinner with bita tonight

i told her some more
of my insanity

she
doesn't know for sure
whether or not she wants to be a doctor

i told her i thought i had a novel in me
talked about what i think a novel is

well, that's settin the bar pretty high, she said

and, i said
i don't have much drive or motivation to write it
because i don't know what the thing i'm trying to say
i don't know what the message is
and plus
if it's not going well
if i'm not engrossed in the story
i get bored
want to throw it away
start something else

but
i feel like it's in me
and i would like to prove that to myself


she hasn't seen any of the movies
or television
or anything
that's a touchstone reference point for me


and
i said something to her
and she's like
that's good
let's stop there
that's great, i like that
that's really positive

here's what i said:

you're young
you are at the point now
where you can look out and see the horizon of possibilities
as you go along
your focus tightens up
you can only see down to a focal point
but
if you look up
the whole horizon of possibilities is still out there

well, the blood is here

I figured it might be coming
my breasts have been
really tender
for like a week
which has been
super inconvenient
and
I don't know if they were on sale
or that was all they had
or what
but
the tampons I bought
are not the kind I use
they are funky
the box is black
and maybe that's why
but
it's disconcerting


hope you're having a good day


I had a bunch of errands
planned for today
but
fun ones
I wanted to do
so
we'll see how it goes

i guess i want to talk about this

I lost track of my period
I think
I had one in October
but
I'm not completely sure
also
if I had one in October
not sure when
but
for sure
I didn't have one in November
or
December
and
I was hoping I had one
at the end of October
and then
I'd have one at the beginning of January
so that maybe I only missed one
I've missed one before
twice
but
I've not missed two
even in a calendar year
much less
two consecutively
so
it's not lookin good
probably
and
so
you know
there's that
menopause
I guess
it seems unfair
that I can't enjoy
not bleeding

goodnight sweetheart

i hope you're having a good time

i love you

'that's metal as hell'

one of my reps came by to help me put the order away
he got a piece of glass in his hand
i felt bad
but i was pretty sure it wasn't my fault
i've been pretty careful to clean up any breakages
but
he thought it came from a case
probably got broken in the truck

i've been cutting myself on non-sharp things, lately
nasty cardboard paper cuts
tearing my skin up on sharp corners of plastic signs
they hurt
but there's not much damage done
since the edges are rough, they heal fast

but
i guess by way of commiserating
or, something like that
i told him about when i was a kid


we lived in this apartment complex
between the apartments
and the baby giant [corner store]
was a bar
it was the kind of bar
where everyone smashes their beer bottles in the parking lot
i don't know what kind of bar that is
but
my daddy sent me to the baby giant
regular
to buy him cigarettes
this is back when you could send your seven year old to buy cigarettes

i only wore shoes
when somebody was making me
so i always walked barefoot across the broken glass
so
pretty regularly
i'd get pieces of glass embedded in the calluses of my feet

and they'd just stay there
until they grew up to the surface
and i picked them out

it was kinda cool
occationally a little uncomfortable
but absolutely no big deal


to which he said
that's metal as hell

which i kinda liked

not tonight, josephine

Venus in winter
chimes in summer
and spring
and
hell, maybe fall too
falling through time
through dreams
delusion
I don't want
another sobbing band aid scene
for my 50th
I want better than that
I want
a god damned adventure
for a life
not
just some little jaunt
I live in a cage
and
I mighta painted myself into this corner
but
you did help
so
if you can't help me get outta it
at least
understand
that you might not
be
the most important thing
I have to worry about


although
I did want you to be


remember
when I told you
you were the love of my life
just wanted to say it aloud
remember that


but
you
would let me get
ten years
into a relationship (?)
and still
not be able to say
one thing real


walking down the street
laughing


what would you do
anything


do you understand
this


not saying it
is driving me mad
wtf
really
how can you look at me
without actually looking at me
origami creature
I'm supposed
to
what

i feel like i've gone down a rabbit hole

I can't send pictures
because
my skin was pretty cleared up
and i was in a hurry
so I just wore the powder I like by itself
but it has salicylic acid in
and it over stimulated
and the little sebum kernels came to the top
and
I'm a picker
but
I'm insane right now
and I made this huge joker looking
contusion thing
which I want to wear makeup over
but then it won't heal
so
I'm still too scary looking
to send pictures
I've been slathering my skin in oil
and
it's looking much better
except for the big scary thing
and still a little forehead
and one cheek


it doesn't really look like a cold sore
unless you don't know what one looks like
and then it does
so
I'm feeling nicely hideous
but
I did this to myself


I'm sure
whatever you're wanting right now
I've not been providing it
but


I figure
by now
you're either
mad
or worried
so
I'm trying to fill you in

good night baby

gotta go to bed
hope you are well
crazy day
hate Christmas

i haven't thought about this in years

but
my mother picked me up in her car
rather than meeting for dinner
she parked
I opened the door
and then I put my hand up in the door frame
to kind of brace myself
because she has an SUV
and I find it awkward
to get in or out


but
as I put my hand in the door frame
up where the top of the window would be
I had a memory
something I haven't thought about in years


when I was
I'm not sure
seven, maybe


I was getting into the car
I was in the car
I had my hand in roughly the same position
she slammed the door shut
slamming my hand in the locked door
got half way around the car
heard my screams
had to come back around
unlock the door
open it


maybe
maybe only one finger was caught
that's not how I remember it
but
only one finger was damaged
she took me to the doctor
and the doctor was all like
well, that was close
you just missed the growth center
then her finger
would have stayed that size
forever


I always kinda grouped this
with my other finger injury
my childhood emergency room visit
other hand, though
maybe a year before
or less
I had been sitting on a
folding wooden stool
left hand this time
in the works
and it collapsed
not latched correctly
or whatever


anyway
it wasn't broken
but
I did have a blood clot under the nail
and they had to drill a hole in it
left pointer finger
it kinda hurt
and it smelled
when they drilled the hole
I got a wonder woman comic book
for being so brave
and it was fine


I lumped them together
my whole life
first digit injury
left, right


but
tonight
for some reason
they differentiated
because


suddenly
it was
she didn't look
she didn't check
she didn't ask
everything inside


suddenly
it was slamming the door
to make sure it was shut good
so it wouldn't whistle
or make a noise
or whatever
but
not
to make sure I didn't
shut myself into the door


it was overwhelming
and
I'd never had that thought before


and
I posted this
and
then realized
you won't know
the wonder woman comic
that was Deborah