I was up briefly
at 10
to cancel anything I had going
& to feed the cat
I went back to sleep
& I just got up at 3
because the notification for my
imperfect box
woke me
I dealt with that
& made a smoothie
& now it's 4:30
which seems like too much time
BUT there you have it
I just checked social media
& I'm not SURE
if I should congratulate you
OR
be afraid for your life
Once I got to sleep
between 4 & 5 this morning
I pretty much
slept like the dead
I'm not going to apologize for trying to
repair myself
although I feel like
that is what I would usually do here
I don't feel like
it was any big secret that I was broken
& I don't feel like
it was any secret that I've been
trying to repair myself
AND
it therefore seems
inappropriate to apologize
I DO however
want to THANK you
for everything you have done to
help & support me
thus far
& remind you
that I do not hold you
to be responsible for me
we have a relationship
BUT
it can be
REALIZED
in
any number of ways
OR
you could just decide
I'm no fun
& ditch me
I will have feelings about that
& there may be some
LIKE consequences
BUT
I'm NOT a person who
enjoys hurting even people I don't like
&
I LOVE you VERY much
I think you'll be okay
I don't think you understood the
killing myself thing
& I want to make it clearer
so you maybe won't stress about it
I wanted to kill myself
from maybe eight or nine
LOW-KEY
which is why my father told me the THING
about if you kill yourself
you have to live all eternity
in THAT state
THAT worked for a while
AND
when I discovered that I WANTED you
I was living in a state
where I prayed
NOT to wake up
I don't think I really believed
I could "get" you
BUT
you were the ONLY thing*
I had compellingly wanted
*although of course you're not a thing
SO
I told myself
FINE
go all in
in a sort of GATTICA way
don't save anything for the swim back
if it doesn't work out
THEN you can kill yourself
MIGHT have to
BUT
in the process
ONE after ANOTHER CHOICES
QUITTING smoking
so I could have your baby
which was real to me
EVEN though
PROBABLY ridiculous
& lots of little steps
WHATEVER, ya KNOW
I'm HERE
& if you think that's good
you can thank yourself
you've ALREADY been a HERO
I'm NOT going to off myself
you do not need to worry
