I'm actually feeling
less sexy
and more
just warm and fuzzy
I keep seeing
little snippets
of
you
being adorable
hope you're having a good day

good morning sweetheart
gotta go to work
some official visit thingy
hope you saw that
cards said you did


plus
when I woke up this mornin
I could feel your hands on me


might be a stressful day
probably gonna think about
what that felt like this morning
all day


I'm just stuck on the bed stuff, huh
have a multi faceted day

ok
updating
I do not have to become an alcoholic
I haven't had any more
and the things that were better
have improved


I was taking a bunch of supplements
but
idk if you know
I stopped


the cat was cutting me
and my blood was thinned
so
I wasn't stopping bleeding very well
nor healing well
however
every time I've stopped before
it has been a problem
and I went back to being in pain


this time
I didn't go all the way to pain
but I was hurting
but in a pretty manageable way
and anyway
it's been a few months


today
I feel better than I did
that day I told you I felt good
I only slept about fourish hours
and I feel tired
not full of energy
but
like
good


I wish I knew why
so I could
ya know, keep doin the whatever
that's causing it

i hope you're doing ok
i miss you

i was going to tell you about my dream
but then i got busy with other things
and my stove is broken
of course
because it's a holiday week-end
so it'll be tuesday before i can get it fixed

anyway
just now
i thought i could write it to you now
and then i couldn't remember
and then
i sort of remember
so
anyway
i'll tell ya what i got

i was working in an office
it was next to other offices
it was set up at or like maybe a motel
or maybe my second grade school
where you walk along outside
and there are rooms next to one another
i think this was on the second floor

and i was compiling this broadsheet newspaper thing
like the full opened out newspaper
but just one page
and it was all about
i think
how hawaii was so influential
in current trends
and i was compiling it for someone
but i'm not sure who
but
it was like my job or something
maybe i worked for a magazine
but
there was a password for the room
it was wind
and someone kept walking back and forth outside the door
i would say wind
and they would say no week
wind
week
wind
week
and i was like
no
week is next door
stop trying to confuse me

and
very important makeup trend
80s blushes in peach and plum

don't know
what any of that means

today
I feel so close to good
that I'm almost giddy
my whole body
feels like
I took anti depressants
blissfully free of kinks
except my neck
its a little stiff
but nothing too serious
I feel light
and kinda happy
so
I had margaritas last night
if I drink every night
will I feel this good every morning?
because
if so
I may be on a fast track for alcoholism
not really
but
idk maybe
I mean I feel goodish

good night sweetheart
i hope you are doing well
hope you're doing something fun this week-end
i'm going to bed now

lately
I've been fantasizing about
our brunches
I see it so clearly
like
the Algonquin Round Table of brunches
I've never once had a desire
to hostess
but
somehow
in my fantasy
it's like a big nurture the future thing
and we are like
this great couple
this makes me think of Gertrude Stein
but
maybe my role in this
is a lot more Alice B. Toklas-ish
and
I'm not really sure how I feel about that
but
regardless
somehow the fact that it's a fuckton of work
just gets ignored
it's a salon, baby

battery
they say it's battery
i would have bet $100 that it wasn't battery
(well not really, i don't actually bet
but i was that sure)

anyway
not too traumatic

YAY!


also
the cards are 100%
for telling me how bad it's gonna be

I fell asleep in the chair again
Enrique at work
seemed to think
there was a good possibility
that it was fuses
from my description
which I could theoretically fix myself
but
I'm not confident of that
I'm leaning toward taking it in
i.e. having AAA tow it to Danny's
rather than trying to figure out
how to get fuses on the bus
and then
figure out how to replace them
but
fuses is not expensive
not like electrical system failure
so
pretty stoked about that
i wish i could afford to buy a new car
i love this car
but
I'd like to have the freedom to go on a road trip without renting a car
to have my speedometer work
I want I want
so tiredome

well
my car won't start
I had to ride the bus
it was like record time for the bus too
amazingly fast
but
it's-- I'm pretty sure
an electrical problem
and I'm a-feared
I guess I'll find out tomorrow

i fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart
i love you

so
anyway
hopefully you enjoyed
the childhood remembrances
and
hopefully
I haven't offended you


I hope you are ok
well, I hope you're super happy and good
but, ya know, at least ok
I have a headache
and
I'm feeling kinda jittery
like too much coffee
but
I haven't had any more than normal

and
I'm not at all meaning
to imply
that guns are not a serious issue
so
please don't take it that way
I'm stating my lifelong stance
not related to current events
because
I think you think I'm regionally pro-gun
and
I'm not

guns

did i tell you the story
of how i feel about guns
it's not that long of a story

when i was younger
from when i was little
until i was in high school
or really maybe even college
(this was the friend my mom had the longest)
my mother was friends with cholla
she was a painter
but
her husband was a police detective

when he came home
he sometimes just threw his gun on the dining table
and the way their house was set up
the dining table was where people hung out
it was a great house
great flow
i bet it was great for parties

but
when
i first really noticed the gun
i was immediately agitated
and
it had an intrusive desire
to pick up the gun
and just start shooting everyone

i was maybe eight
now
luckily
i have and have always had
a lot of control over my intrusive thoughts
i don't even think i touched the gun
i just moved further away from it

i was not a redneck
nor was any of my family
none of us had guns
or hunted for fun or sport
guns were something police officers had
i was not raised to think guns are some inalienable human right

so
i never had to worry about
the whole gun thing again until my step father
he had guns
and he was a redneck
he was from just outside of los angeles
but
i always teased him that he was from arkansas
both because
i mean
he couldn't tell you anything about los angeles
i mean nothin
but
he had gone on some rock hunting trip in arkansas
and he could talk about arkansas
plus
he was a redneck
and there aren't supposed to be redneck-y angelinos
(i mean, are there?)

anyway
maybe i should talk about him for a minute
we met him at the renaissance festival
he was out there painting faces mostly
at the esoteric philosophy center's booth
now, he can't draw
but maybe they didn't want him doing reading or giving foot massages
so he was a face painter
and
this was like 1980 or 81
maybe while my mom was still having the affair with the much younger
married man
and
i mean, i think she knew about it
because my mom was busy giving him all the money she had saved for my college
i know she was sleeping with him on the night before my birthday
(kim not my step father)
because when i woke up
he was there
and her bedroom door was closed
and it was never closed
she would have had to clean the door area to close the door
and
i mean why would she have done that unless
she needed it to be closed
of course he just came over special for my birthday
yeah, right
and i was going to duschene so that was when reagan was elected
so january of 81
i was fourteen
so my step father was either fall of 80 or 81
i can't really pin it down more than that

he was working at the renaissance festival
and
he was looking at my mom instead of me
that was pretty novel
and
i didn't like him much
also
he talked to me like i was a child
which didn't happen much either
also
he was really tall
and unattractive
and didn't seem all that smart

he had drifted when he was young
and then been drafted to go to vietnam
which was the best thing that ever happened to him
because the army really straightened him out
also
since he was flatfooted
almost legally blind
and had been run over by a car as a child
which gave him back issues
he wasn't really suited for a combat position
so he ended up doing something in thailand
what, i'm not sure
he watched a bunch of kung fu movies
i know that

after he moved in with us
well, the apartment next to us in the fourplex my mom owned
she made him pay rent even after she was basically living with him
he watched kung fu movies ever weekend
and wrestling
and football
and exercize shows so he could watch the women gyrate
and he video taped all the elvira episodes in case she fell out of her dress
he wanted that shit on tape

he had binoculars
he would look at the women at the pool next door with
and he collected stuff
coins
rocks
celebrity skin magazines
and
in a secret stash
he hid behind a bookcase
where the government wouldn't find it
when they came to take away his inalienable rights
he had a large and ever-changing
(because he went to like every gun show, ever)
collection of guns

now
none of them were assault rifles
but many of them were semi-automatics
and
some of them had been altered
in some way
maybe to make them fully automatic
i'm just not sure

he was cleaning one or two of them
pretty often on the weekends
and i think that was what he really liked
the mechanics of the guns
when they were taken apart
they didn't affect me in any kinda way
and the gun grease reminded me of turpentine
which reminded me of my father

he was frequently making xeroxes of gun information
running it by the local radio stations
and
he was for sure
an nra member

oh, damn
i forgot an important part of his back story

when he got back from the army
"all straightened out"
he went to college on the g.i. bill
he got an agriculture degree
which was how he got the government job as a grain inspector
which was how he moved here from california

but
how he decided to get that particular degree
is one of the things i found most interesting about him
he got the ag degree
because he had met this couple
who were going to move to
shit
i think he said canada
but maybe it was just oregon or something
they were going to go there and grow pot
i think
and he was going to learn how to run a farm
and then
they would take him with them
and he seemed to think he would get to fuck the girl too
they took off
and
he never got to work their farm or fuck the girl
but
he did an ag degree
a job that he did for thirty years
absolutely hating every minute of it
and
my mom

i went to a firing range with him once
and
i liked the shooting
maybe i did it in a past life or something
he tried to give me a revolver
and it was hard to negotiate in my hand
so i convinced him to let me pick
i picked a semi automatic
and it was pretty easy to shoot
i didn't have any compulsion to shoot others
(my intrusive thoughts at that time
were seeing my mom's mat-cutting thick razor blades
and imagining  cutting the skin from the bottom of my eye
straight down my face)
and i never did that either
but
the shooting, apparently, went too well
target full of holes
rather than missing the target completely like i was supposed to
so we never went shooting again
and
i never missed it
because i don't like guns
and i don't get why they are such an american fetish

I fell asleep in the chair again
goodnight sweetheart
hope I see you in dreamland

I've been kinda feeling weird
for a few days
so
I'm paranoid
so
I'm just gonna say
I was never trying to say
anything
mean
or bad
or negative
or, really, anything other than
really really good
so
if I said something that didn't sound good
then
I didn't communicate well
ok
paranoia slightly dispelled

goodnight sweetheart

i had a very stressful day
and i'm sorry to say
i don't have anything


i hope everything is well with you
and
i love you
and
if you want to meet me in dreamland
that would be awesome
i'm not very coherent, though
but
really
i could use a hug

goodnight sweetheart
i love you
i've had a strange day
please come to me in dreamland
i want to be with you

goodnight sweetheart
meet me in dreamland

bloom and black opium
I like those mixed better
really
a lot

I occurs to me
than, in trying to stay connected
you are getting
a whole lot more of the
me stuff
that I probably don't usually share
 I hope you are enjoying it
I'm perfectly happy
to keep it to myself
if you're not


good morning sweetheart

so
I mixed them
well
not all of them
I was trying to wear the sjp today
and I love it
but
I don't like it
and
when I was at Ulta
I had all the perfumes on
and that was too much
obviously
but then I washed them all off
and then I tried more on
and the Gucci and black opium
or opium black or whatever
were close enough that I could smell interaction
and
I liked it
so I tried the Gucci with the sjp
and I like it
idk what it smells like
but better
the reason I was looking for citrus
was I bought a mostly full bottle of
marc jacobs fig splash off poshmark
and it's not very fig
it's mostly cypress very woody
and I was like
good! even better
but it bugged me too
it needed something
and really what I thought it needed
was like a lemon myrtle herbal and fresh lemon zest overlay
but
I mean
there was nothing like that
nothing
I'm too difficult
I think the Gucci will be good under it
but I'm not certain


it's not like this is important
it's just
what I'm into now
it's evolving
from all black
into
sensory experience
and
whatever   

i had some points at ulta
and i wanted to get a perfume
i've tried to do this several times
but
i couldn't ever decide
so i went a roamed around smelling
for a really long time
i thought i wanted something citrus-y
but it turns out i didn't
finally decided
rather than buying a bottle of something
i decided
those ones you keep going back to
get rollerballs of them
so
here's what i got

sarah jessica parker stash

i've been drawn to this one for over a year
but i just keep saying
no no it's too much
it's too loud
but
regardless
it keeps pulling me in

the second one i got

gucci bloom

i'm not usually a floral fan

and i again thought it was

a bit much

but i kept going back

and i like tuberose

the third one i got

black opium (7:20)

i used to love opium back in the day, but this smells nothing like opium

i kept going back to it

saying mmmmm what does that smell like

until i looked it up

found out it was coffee

and said well yeah that makes sense

but it's not really a summer fragrance

so anyway

probably bad choices

but

these were the ones that called me

i stayed up too late again

but i may have been asleep for a while

sitting up in the chair

goodnight sweetheart

oh
remember the girl
who got the other job
who I talked to Dennis about
well
she has been working there
I believe a week
but
maybe I'm wrong and it's two weeks
well
she's already called Dennis


she has a 90 day probationary period
where she's basically a temp to hire
this is pretty common
and I didn't think she'd make it through that
but
apparently
she's already been told
to go home
and think about
"whether this job is a good fit for you"
already
now
they knew she didn't know
how to do the job
and they were completely training her
so
this is completely
about
attitude


good morning sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
i stayed up too late again
if you're still up and you see this
i'm going to bed now
meet me in dreamland

i love you

good night sweetheart
I love you

i'm like almost completely certain that this is not acapella, i'm pretty sure they just stripped out the music tracks so you can hear the singing without the music.

this is not at all the same thing as singing acapella.  if you're singing acapella you don't have the music underneath you and i feel like it would be hard to sing truly flat in the places he does.  maybe he'd be good enough to do it, but i personally tend to let loose a little less--  both because there isn't that support but also because you're voice has to carry it all and be the music too.  you can't put a tape recorder beside your painting and the audience probably can't hear music in their head behind your singing.

i was very excited to find this, though.

i think this is very cool.

i seem to be reconnecting with kurt lately.

i think that might mean i'm depressed.

i'm sorry.

maybe it doesn't mean that.  hopefully it doesn't mean that.  anyway, i'm sharing this.  : )

ok
well, I'm up
my head still hurts


I already got my mother her presents
I got her an electric skillet
a couple months ago
because the one she had
needed replacing
she got rid of her stove
which didn't work
and she decided
to replace it with
a hot plate
a toaster oven
I think she has a crock pot
and she had an electric skillet


so
when I gave it to her
I'm all like
can we call this a mothers day gift
I'll give you something else
but
I may not find anything you like this well
and she was like sure
but
I think I did
it's a short semi-kimono jacket
in a sheer black slightly stiff fabric
and it has flowers
embroidered in bright colors
it reminded me
of her Johnny Was shirt
which is her favorite
I think


she doesn't usually like things I give her
but
I think this is going to be a hit
fingers crossed

https://m.youtube.com/watch?_ke=ZWxlY3Ryb21hZ25ldGljdGVtcGxlQGdtYWlsLmNvbQ%3D%3D&feature=youtu.be&v=tgC4HXYpSLw


here, maybe is the link
it's not something you need to watch
and she is not succinct
but just in case
you were interested
in what products
I'd pay not to have sent


oh well


goodnight sweetheart

i'm not ignoring you
i had a weird day
i don't have a lot of coherent artistic thoughts
i'm just cycling through
internet stuffs
i bought two multiple hundred dollars worth of jackets
for $35
they look to be in good shape
they should work ok
if i need to go on a job interview
which i infatically
do not want to do
but
it just seems
like such a waste

but
anyway
they are brands i've been wanting for a while
but can't afford
even at that neiman's last call or whatever it's called

i had tortellini for dinner
that anna came and gave me
me and my husband are going to europe for a month
probably to visit family
they're from there
can you watch for the boy

she's talking about strahenya (sp?)
what am i watching for
i ask
deeply confused
i rarely ever see her son
she looks slightly frantic

just to make sure he's ok?
yes yes she says with a big smile
ok, i say, i'll do my best

but
i still never see him
and i'm not sure what i should do
should i be knocking on the door?
or does she mean
just help him out if he comes over with a problem?

he's gone a lot
maybe he's in college
i'm not sure
he does some modeling
he works at the restaurant in the center down the street

the dog cries when he's not at home
so
i guess if the dog isn't crying too much
or like he's hurt or starving
the kid's probably ok too, right

she gave me the tortellini
because he doesn't cook
although i wouldn't really consider that cooking


the helper
from the wine distributor delivery
he wished me happy mother's day
i know people mean well
but
it hurts me
just because i'm old enough to have kids
doesn't mean i have kids
so when people wish me happy mother's day
it just makes me really really sad
and slightly angry
and i don't know how to respond, generally
but
today
i surprised myself

he said happy mother's day
and i was all like
yeah, really, well you too

and then i felt a little bad
i have the cat
but i didn't raise him from a kitten
i think i'm more like
hey lady
than mommy
although he's been pretty sweet to me lately

i'm just out of sorts
and i don't really have anything good to say
and
my head hurts really bad


oh, yeah
and the teri miyahira box emailed me
they are changing their makeup box
to a lifestyle box

i've been going back and forth about whether to cancel
for like a year
but
i love her formulas
the makeup is really nice
and
it's all natural and doesn't irritate my eyes or skin
but
she is like obcessed with contouring
and i haven't got any interest in that
so, limits, ya know
but
i keep not cancelling
and then today they sent the email
and she links a video
showing all the "great" stuff
and
i mean
i'd almost pay to have them not send that crap
so
when they said if you don't email us
then we will just go right on sending the new boxes
i emailed right back
please cancel
i'm not interested in the lifestyle box.
so
that's good
because i don't need to be spending that money anyway
plus
the new box
is like twice as expensive

sorry
I missed it

the whole "pro-life" "pro-choice" labeling
is propaganda
if you are for enforced gestation
morality legislation
or
if you care deeply about the sanctity of human life
either of those things gets you in one camp
if you are for the right to safe medical options in pregnancy termination
or
I want to fuck a woman and have my responsibility not exceed a few hundred dollars
then you fall in the other camp
they are bullshit terms
which allow a complicated issue
to suddenly become
a simple thing
are you a murder because you kill fetuses
or because you blow up clinics
if we really cared about the
stuff these propagandists imply
we'd be working on
how to get the fetuses
transplanted into people who want children
and support services
for women who want to keep their babies
but can't afford them or know they won't be able to achieve their dreams and goals if saddled with a child


I haven't met many women who had abortions who really seemed like they thought it was a choice
and
I haven't met a "pro-lifer" who didn't seem to have the opinion
that all abortions were the result of sinful pre-marital sex


it's part of the problem
the very non-brain-engaged
partisan
"dialog"

so
I went with donuts
I got up thirty minutes earlier
and stopped on the way in
I couldn't do cake
Dennis was also gonna do cake
but traffic was very bad
so he's ordering pizza
so
everything works out


I hope you have a beautiful day
I hope I learn to get enough sleep
but
honestly
I'm fifty one
if I haven't learned it by now
I'm probably not going to
it's only having to get up and go yo work
that keeps me from going
twenty two hours without sleeping
I would not sleep normally
without external stressors

I stayed up too late
I went down another rabbit hole
but
I found a treasure
something I almost bought
like twenty years ago
I bought a different style
and when I went back
to get a second
it was out of business
I can't remember how big it was
hopefully smaller than the one I have
I was using my iMac when I bought that
I had an earthlink account
crazy crazy thing time
it's like it was yesterday
and it's like
I was a completely different person
all sorta happening at once


and
it holds up
it's still beautiful
and looks to be in good shape


whatever
I love you sweetheart
goodnight

I won't know till later what's happening with the recording
all I got was
I'm busy with work
I'll see what I can do
so I'd lean toward no
but who can say
anyway
have fun


I love you sweetheart 

a card that has been coming up frequently
lately and just now, in fact
is the two of wands
which I haven't really gotten much
historically
so little in fact
that I've never really
grasped what it means
that one
like the two of swords
I just tend to gloss over when I pull them
the two of wands
is associated with the idea of
your ship coming in
but
that rarely makes sense
but
I just watched two short videos
and I got
plan plan plan
and
anything is possible to you
but there are a lot of unknowns
given which
I don't understand why
I haven't gotten it more
I need more info on this card
but
it seems to be important
to us
at this time

so
i don't know if this is a new wrinkle on
whatever we're calling it
or if i might actually be getting a virus
but i was heaving the water
this morning
because i had only eaten soup and crackers
and i guess that was no longer available
so
i was pretty sick this morning
but i had some soup
and i've kept it down
so far

i just don't know
there has been a stomach virus going around
i just don't know


hope everything's good with you
i started to say
don't ever come back as a woman
but
that's not fair
this part sucks
but
it's an experience you shouldn't missed

i don't know why i'm telling you this
i guess i think it's funny
sort of
that girl
who's leaving
the one who doesn't understand black lives matter
so she put up a card
saying her last day is friday
(of course, who knows, she called in sick today)
and on the card she put

i'm really going to miss
some of you

like
hmm i wonder if i'm one of the people she'll miss
i mean
i am one of those people
she likes me
but
how else can you read that
it's just nasty for the sake of being nasty
or it's just stupid again
so
i just thought, whatever, ya know

but then
mica walks up and reads it aloud
and mica knows t_____ doesn't like her
because t_____ is fucking rude to her all the time
and mica says

i guess i'm one of the people she's not gonna miss

i'm like yeah well i don't know why she couldn't have just said
i'm gonna miss you guys and left it at that
seems kinda passive aggressive to me
but
you're not gonna miss her either, right

no, no i'm not

so friday is her last day


karl took down the card and put it in her locker

oh karl, she probably won't like that

i don't care
if she's got a problem with it she can talk to me
if she even comes back
it was mean and upsetting people
i don't care

i figure i have to do something for her last day
since we're supposed to be friends
but
i'm not sure what
maybe i could get her one of those cupcakes
that wouldn't cost too much
but it's such a hassle

my recorder
can't commit
maybe I'll hear it
maybe I won't