black moon

I saw somewhere
Friday night is a black moon
which seems to mean
a second new moon in a month
which must happen periodically
but
wherever I saw this
was pairing it with some crazy prophecy
like October 3rd we're all getting marked with the number of the beast, and
there won't be any internet anymore
and the rapture will be November 17th


now, I think all this is total nonsense
but
we don't actually have a plan
for Armageddon
so
if all internet connection ceases
I'll try to use the personals
and failing that
I'll try to meet you by the lake
around sunrise, sunset


I think it'll be fine
you can't worry every time a crazy Christian says the world is ending

PUMPKING

dunkin donuts is set to win pumpkin spice this season 

this i read in (i'm hesitant to call it) an article somewhere online, possibly by way of email--  i'm not entirely sure.  link, link, link.  my first thought:  damn, it's early august and way way way too hot for that shit yet.  my second thought:  i gotta get to dunkin donuts. i didn't though.  i still haven't.  the nearest dunkin donuts is like a mile and a half off my travel path and i'm not makin extra time for that in the morning.  after work i figure it's probably closed, so i haven't bothered to go by.  there is, however, a starbucks on my travel path home.  well, not really.  my real travel path i go down the back streets by the elementary school, but my variant travel path goes down the main street which has a beautiful new starbucks that i kinda want to go into.  but it has a drive thru, so i didn't.  yet.  i will, someday.  so, i drove down the street along one side of the starbucks, turned on another street along another side of the starbucks, didn't stop, three days the first week of september.  finally i gave in.

grande pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot.  do you want whipped cream?  no, just throw some foam on top.  i get to the window.  six-something.  wow.  that feels expensive.  i take a sip.  i've wanted this for like a month.  it's not that good.  not like i remember.  does it need the whipped cream?  did i ever drink it with whipped cream?  i cannot imagine that i ever have.  was the extra shot a mistake?  have i ever ordered a drink without an extra shot?  anywhere?  ever?  i can't imagine that i did.  maybe their machine is calibrated wrong.  but that seems unlikely too.  self contained, pressurized, could-be-operated-by-a-monkey is the way they were going, and i can't see them backing away from that model.  maybe it's me.

i waited, impatiently, for the pumpkin ice cream at the grocery store.  their store brand pumpkin and eggnog are two of my absolute favorites.  and it's a problem if i have to choose between them.  and it's another kind of problem when they put them on sale two-for-five.  that, when i finally got it a few days ago--  the pumpkin ice cream, that is--  was really really good.  but even that made me want pumpkin pie.

and truth be told, i want sweater weather.  i don't like the real cold, but the thing that makes me twirl with girlish glee is when the weather chills just enough for sweaters.  i live in a place, am from a place, where there really aren't distinct seasons.  i'm not used to it, and i don't really miss it.  i see the beautiful red and gold fall displays that are so magical in other places and i think that would be awesome.  i look at pictures.  whatever.  but here, here it's summer six months of the year.  it's spring for about three weeks, and spring is great.  winter is fine.  hard to define, maybe, when it splits off from fall exactly.  it tends to rain a lot.  it's cold, but not really.  most of it is in the temperature range of chicago spring--  i discovered as a teenager when we first got cable and i discovered the weather channel (among others.  it's not like i watched the weather channel, as such, it just expanded my information potential.)  but fall?  i'm totally down for fall.  i love fall.

i guess the whole pumpkin thing is about that.

and i did find the perfect pumpkin drink quite by accident.  it's the cleanness and the ginger that make it.  it doesn't make me long for any other thing.  it is just good.  that's what i want.  things that are just good.  i can bring the magic.

PUMPKING

dunkin donuts is set to win pumpkin spice this season 

this i read in (i'm hesitant to call it) an article somewhere online, possibly by way of email--  i'm not entirely sure.  link, link, link.  my first thought:  damn, it's early august and way way way too hot for that shit yet.  my second thought:  i gotta get to dunkin donuts. i didn't though.  i still haven't.  the nearest dunkin donuts is like a mile and a half off my travel path and i'm not makin extra time for that in the morning.  after work i figure it's probably closed, so i haven't bothered to go by.  there is, however, a starbucks on my travel path home.  well, not really.  my real travel path i go down the back streets by the elementary school, but my variant travel path goes down the main street which has a beautiful new starbucks that i kinda want to go into.  but it has a drive thru, so i didn't.  yet.  i will, someday.  so, i drove down the street along one side of the starbucks, turned on another street along another side of the starbucks, didn't stop, three days the first week of september.  finally i gave in.

grande pumpkin spice latte with an extra shot.  do you want whipped cream?  no, just throw some foam on top.  i get to the window.  six-something.  wow.  that feels expensive.  i take a sip.  i've wanted this for like a month.  it's not that good.  not like i remember.  does it need the whipped cream?  did i ever drink it with whipped cream?  i cannot imagine that i ever have.  was the extra shot a mistake?  have i ever ordered a drink without an extra shot?  anywhere?  ever?  i can't imagine that i did.  maybe their machine is calibrated wrong.  but that seems unlikely too.  self contained, pressurized, could-be-operated-by-a-monkey is the way they were going, and i can't see them backing away from that model.  maybe it's me.

i waited, impatiently, for the pumpkin ice cream at the grocery store.  their store brand pumpkin and eggnog are two of my absolute favorites.  and it's a problem if i have to choose between them.  and it's another kind of problem when they put them on sale two-for-five.  that, when i finally got it a few days ago--  the pumpkin ice cream, that is--  was really really good.  but even that made me want pumpkin pie.

and truth be told, i want sweater weather.  i don't like the real cold, but the thing that makes me twirl with girlish glee is when the weather chills just enough for sweaters.  i live in a place, am from a place, where there really aren't distinct seasons.  i'm not used to it, and i don't really miss it.  i see the beautiful red and gold fall displays that are so magical in other places and i think that would be awesome.  i look at pictures.  whatever.  but here, here it's summer six months of the year.  it's spring for about three weeks, and spring is great.  winter is fine.  hard to define, maybe, when it splits off from fall exactly.  it tends to rain a lot.  it's cold, but not really.  most of it is in the temperature range of chicago spring--  i discovered as a teenager when we first got cable and i discovered the weather channel (among others.  it's not like i watched the weather channel, as such, it just expanded my information potential.)  but fall?  i'm totally down for fall.  i love fall.

i guess the whole pumpkin thing is about that.

and i did find the perfect pumpkin drink quite by accident.  it's the cleanness and the ginger that make it.  it doesn't make me long for any other thing.  it is just good.  that's what i want.  things that are just good.  i can bring the magic.

jumble

haven't forgotten
all these bits
purple purse at Christmas time
zoo balloon
Dallas record store
marijuana web of time
are sparkling and asking to be reworked
but
I can't quite land yet
I'm tempted to do something
christmassy since we just set it
but
I'm a little put off by Christmas in September
so I'm afraid it'll be bitter
what I really want
is a little surreal
that's what I mostly like
I'm about to get some coffee
and just start
and we'll see what comes out

i'm gonna write something

I don't know what
but something
I feel something, finally, bubblin up
and I'm writing this so that I have to

what LR said

I saw a customer today I haven't seen for a while
I'm all like how are you, it's good to see you
turns out he lives closer to the coastal store
do they have as good a selection, I ask
well, no, and they don't have you
aaawwww
but
he used to work for wineries in California
I'm not sure
Napa and Sonoma
I think
he ran the tasting room for this one
I really like him
and I think he legitimately likes my picks
he was telling me
winery with an amphitheatre
and sitting out in the field at sundown
listening to the doobie brothers


yeah, I say
and that's California weather
that must have been awesome


yes, he smiles
like I've given him another angle
to appreciate this memory


it's all really romantic, wine
the fog rolling down the side of the hill


I have told this to almost no one
one evening I was driving my jeep wrangler through the vinyard
it was about 8
the fog was moving out like fingers
I had a hand full of soil
[ I was single at that time ]
and I started to cry
why can't i share this with someone


and I thought of you


I mean, I don't really have anything that good to share, but
ya know

i fell asleep on the sofa

the kitty curled up on the pillow
his feet gently touching my arm
and I dreamed
something about football
not sure what it meant
I was in a room
with you
but
neither of us were talking to each other
there was another girl who was talking
it was meant to be a stadium
but the football was on tv
people were sitting out on the lawn
I stood on the porch
and stretched in the breeze
my clothes
were all worn, torn, and hole-y
and
there was sun
and breeze
and you near
but not football
people were having picnics
on the lawn
and
I think
in the distance
a water tower

thoughts on being a chick

I've been watching these YouTube videos
"how I did my makeup in high school"
and
ok
for most of these people
that maybe wasn't so long ago
but
1) they wore a lot of makeup
2) [and this is something I'm noticing other places on social media as well]
2) these girls seem to have issues
with thinking they're not pretty
or
they've got to bolster themselves up
in the you're good enough you're smart enough and gosh darn it people like you dept
or
they say things
that are shocking me


so
I have to ask
am I super abnormal as a girl?
because I seriously never remember ever thinking I wasn't attractive
maybe not pretty exactly
because that's a specific type of thing
and
I can't remember caring whether people liked me
maybe I did
I just don't remember it


I think my father taught me
an unshakable sense that I was cool
and I don't think I've ever really needed anything else


these girls are like
I hated this about my face


really?!
I couldn't do my high school makeup
I used mascara pretty regularly
but
I didn't really take it off
I just rocked this black smudge
second day mascara look
pretty much all the time
and silvery gray lipstick
that's pretty much it
no foundation or powder for sure
I started that like two or three years ago
and
I am doing that to perfect my skin
no lie
I am not happy with the shit it's doing
I never had breakouts when I was young
I don't think I look ugly
but
I don't feel like it represents, ya know


I could do the mascara
which was Lancôme
I might find a lipstick
the right color
but
now I would need makeup
to approximate the skin
the skin was like it's own thing
the hair was better too


but
I don't think either my skin or hair
now
is ugly
I just feel like it needs a little work
to get closer to what it's supposed to look like


I do, however, feel a little cheated by my hair
when I got white hairs in my 20s they were three times as thick and were super wiry
so my plan
was always to get dreadlocks
when I got old
but
now my hair is thinner and weak
and there's no way I'm doing that to my poor hair
it's still good hair
but
it teased me
however
it looks to me
like i might actually have fewer white hairs
so, ya know, whatever


but
in case you ever wondered
whether I have girly thoughts like
am I good enough, pretty enough
no
not really
I have sometimes wondered
whether you are really all that attracted to me
physically, or if it's all my brain
but
I don't mean that like it's on me, ya know


is this making any sense?

i cslled in sick to work

my stomach's upset
my head hurts
my Achilles tendon (or whatever) is sore
my back hurts
if I go in
I just have to be for funds anyway
I hate that


so I just decided not to suffer
that's like two months in a row


I'm not sure why I feel so sub-optimal
maybe I ate something that didn't agree
maybe the alcar is causing trouble


don't know
I'm sitting on the sofa
kitty is keeping me company
by sleeping
he loves it when I stay home from work
but it makes him nervous if I spend the day in bed
but I may


something I'm doing is making my hands look younger
they look like they did when I was 30
I remember what that looked like
because it was when they first got
a little loose, not exactly wrinkly
but I said, at the time
ah, they finally look like adult hands
but they, subsequently, got
much looser
so
don't know
I'm putting everything I put on my face
also on my hands
except glycolic acid
I'm not a big fan
but
I need exfoliation
and I got it in a box
but I don't want to accidently rub it in my eye


my face looked better when I was taking 64 grams of msm a day
oh, wait, I'm not putting witch hazel on my hands either
and there isn't usually any serum left
I wish that was cheaper
but it does feel great
maybe it firms
maybe it helps heal breakouts
but it does feel great
the caracole cream
maybe that's what's doin it
I don't think it's very potent
I got it as a like barrier cream
I put on witch hazel
oxygen serum
facial oil
then the cream
and since it has mineral oil
it'll hold everything in
plus it's got collagen in
which plumps
it doesn't rebuild collagen
it doesn't work like that
but it will superficial plump
it makes a really really terrific primer too
I love it
but not so much as a snail cream
but maybe it has enough to do something
and so so cheap
that's probably what's making my hand better
since it's so cheap
I'm using it wholesale
slather slather slather


hope your day's going great
I'll write more later


don't promise it'll be more interesting that this
but
I am trying to get the skincare routing perfected
so, ya know, it interests me

i love you

deeply touched

O. Henry -esque
the tale
seeing
newness all around
waiting
pretended patience
for the obvious
chrysalis
newness
surely forth coming


ride the day into glory
gather called clouds
twist them
balloon animals
the world is thine
love

i'm awake (and i feel considerably better today)

I am not sure I'm gonna finish the reset today
I got a lot done yesterday
but
signage (which is the main thing I have to do today)
signage takes a lot of time
if I don't finish, though
whatever
as far as I can tell
nobody else really worries about it


I dreamed I was soaking in a really warm bath
I don't know what else
that's all I remember
my kitty
he is very disturbed by the schedule changes
I'm not ideal for cats generally
do to their love for schedules and order
this one is ocd
oh, I don't think I told you
he doesn't have that disease thing
he has ocd
and he gave himself a bladder infection
because he was waiting for the two times a day
I cleaned the box
seriously
so, anyway
we've gone to four
and he only has to wait
less than the entire time I'm gone at work
silly cat


so he's been waking me up
every couple hours
he doesn't like change
but
he did sleep with me most of the day


I've been thinking
I haven't been writing to you much
and maybe I should talk about that
but
I'm not sure
how to explain it, really
I haven't felt like I could
or had any desire to write, anything


but
I want to want to write
if you know what I mean
so maybe
I should make myself
but
I haven't felt metaphor-y
and
truthfully, that might be something not right
like depression or something
I just feel
like
flat
ya know
and I know part of it is
I don't believe the way i did
and maybe I don't want to write
because it'll come out in that
and
I don't want that
but
I'm not real happy with that reason
I have a lot of worries
about my mom
about my future
I don't feel like things are going well


but
this is a drag
I feel physically and mentally
pretty good
today


and
you are doing really well creatively
which is good
and I'm happy about that


I wish I was more on that vibe
currently

goodnight baby (except it isn't really night)

have a good day
the thing that used to be an email
it's really good

i was gonna sleep as long as i could

and I managed to sleep 14 hours
I feel terrible
isn't that funny
like too much sleep is bad too
whatever
I had a lot of dreams
I can't remember most of them
one I remember
from the first time I woke up to pee
I was telling fortunes with cards
but then
I said, wait, let me hold your hand for a minute
and suddenly I got very clear vision
it was a cuff of color and pattern on her wrist
yellow, red and blue
and it had all this meaning
that the cards couldn't show


there was another
that I feel lil I've had variation of
with an elevator
that traveled through time and dimension
briefly
just enough to be confusing
but not really enough to change anything
but if you missed the elevator
you had to wait 15 minutes
and it was very small


then there was one
where you were someone I saw
all the time
at the mall
and I thought we had feelings for each other
but you would never talk to me about them
then I went home
and it turned out the people I was living with
they were your family
and they were very worried about you
because they couldn't locate you
I had just left you at the mall
but
I didn't want to tell them that
and I wasn't sure what to do
but then i woke up again


anyway, I'm up now
till probably at least 6am
have a good day
sweetheart

i'm doing a reset

but
I'm doing it a little differently
I'm going in at 8pm
working til 4am
so
I'm trying to stay up
but
I'm tired
my head hurts
and I just heard a love song to another
undying love
and I want to cry


I went to breakfast with B the other day
she's maybe 22 now
and i thought we were going to talk about her
she had had a strategy for ceasing
virginity
we had discussed
last time we had breakfast
she's like the daughter
I've never had
but
she worked me around to talking about me
and you
which I had had no intention of doing
and
to be clear
she doesn't know who you are


are you sure you don't have one of those
pattern things
no, I say
I can't be absolutely certain
I've seen no evidence of it in other things
but
I have to leave open the possibility
that I'm completely insane


well, that makes it unlikely that you are


yeah, that's what I say
but the more information
she pulls out of me
the more she is looking at me
like I'm shooting up in public restrooms
or cooking meth in a camper in the desert


and I'm like
I don't care if you think I'm crazy


but that's not entirely true


one of the things that's good
about all this
my whole life
I've had a fear
that I'd end up in a mental institution
and
having to deal with all this
has made me more confident
that I can hold it all together
at least superficially
so I'm unlikely to become non-functional


I really like to talk to you, she says
I feel like I understand myself better
(whatever that means in this context)


well, I say
I'm glad I could be your fucked up role model