i love you, and i'm thinking about you

I hope
you don't miss
sexual content
I don't think about sex much anymore
I think I'd go crazy if I did
I fantasize much more tame stuff
but
tonight
I'm imagining
quiet
intimate
togetherness
and
that might go
almost anywhere
as long as it's calm
and tender
I love you sweetheart

good morning sweetness

the only thing i remember

from last night's dream
was driving into Los Angeles
down Wilshire
there was no traffic
and i was trying
to decide where to stay
the hotel I like
or
a hostel
I keep trying to make myself
stay at
in Santa Monica

i only remember two things from my dreams last night

1) trying to make clothing from fish skin


2) space prom


hope you are happy and healthy and good
love you

and

I'm sorry
I let pesach get away from me
I thought it was starting Saturday night
then I found out
no
it already started
and I didn't do anything for it
it is
my favorite
but
I'm just not used to holidays
and I guess I'm not competent to keep up with them unless I'm really paying attention


this year
I was planning a whole thing
about how
even though there's no archeological record
it is symbolically important
but
I don't seem to be demonstrating the importance
*sigh*
I'm sorry baby
I think I have to be happy
and have more hope
or less depression
to be
jewish-y
I think
I'm still not doing so well
although that dream was s hopeful sign
and I'm better today
but
I just didn't do a whole Passover thing
sorry


i love you though

dream creations

i dreamed
i made this book
it wasn't really like a regular book
it was more like an installation
it was a story
but it stretched out
each page
along a wall

some of it was painted paper
some of it was more constructed
with felt
or fibers
with words
or images
mostly in intense shades of blue

and
it was about
love
and devotion
and loyalty
and
overcoming obstacles

and maybe disease
which is somewhat worrisome

but
it was awesome
and i was proud of it


don't know
exactly what to think that means
but
i guess it's good, huh


hope you are happy and healthy and good

i got a flat tire

I'm not sure why
but
I was going to deal with I yesterday
but
then it started raining again
and I just couldn't deal
so I'm bussin it
but
I'm still
so tired
I just don't understand

i love you

it's a strange relationship

with buzz
it was like he recognized me
when he first saw me
and there was a kind of love at first sight thing goin on
but
with Neptune
it's not like that
he's sweet
he likes affection
he seems very smart
and it's like
we're learning what the other one likes
and trying to adapt to it
so
I guess it isn't really weird
I guess it's good
but
maybe not what I'm used to
for instance
he doesn't like to eat from bowls
he likes plates
but
he somehow managed to communicate that
probably his foster mother fed him on paper plates
he can smell buzz
and it makes him nervous
but
he found the shoes that I bought
since buzz
and those are his
also
he has found the only spots buzz never really sat in
and those are the spots he likes
he said likes to be coaxed to eat
like shmee did
he knows and answers to his name
which he can't have had more than
a couple months at most
he's a good cat
 he doesn't feel like my long lost friend
but
he wants me to be happy
and
that's more than you have a right to expect
from a cat
he lifts up his paw
in this way that piglet used to
but
I'm sure it means something different
and his tail
is
probably transmitting signals to space
it is thin
and pointy
and, actually, not the kind of wide rudder cheetah tail that i find so beautiful
but
it is so so very active
and he does this straight up and vibrating thing
that looks like a space antenna
I swear
I think
he's gonna be a good friend
and I'm gonna enjoy learning what all his signals mean
so
I'm sleeping better, already

it might not make any sense, but i feel less depressed

i went to two petsmarts
i saw him at the first one
he's not that dramatic looking of a cat
sitting in a cage
and he seemed older
but he's only about a year old

his sign said
he was rescued from the pound on the day before they were gonna kill him
that he almost died there from depression
because he lost his home and family

that made me stop
he was huddled in his cage
like:  i just gotta get through this--  distant
but when i opened the cage he came up to me
pushed into me as i petted him

he's a very muscular wiry cat
and it turns out
not too big
he seemed a lot bigger in the cage

he is lean
and muscular
and his fur isn't soft or sleek
but short and wiry and no nonsense
and i loved the feel of him
something powerful and bad ass but still affectionate

very different from buzz
and when i stopped petting him
closed the cage door
told him i needed to meet some of the other cats
he went back to his huddled pose
glaring:  i guess you're just like all the others

and
none of the other cats i met
did anything except make me compare the experience to him
and
i thought:  i should wait
think it over
be sure what i'm doing
because i thought i wanted a bottle fed baby kitten

but
in the end
i went back and got him
hopefully that's the right thing to have done

i tried to take a picture

but they just all look scary
I look different
when I'm depressed
I guess
I love you, though
not trying to ignore you

hi

I fell asleep on the sofa
headphones in
listening to ink videos
I looked at all kinda things
trying to find
talkative
but
ink is where I ended up, I guess
the lightning woke me up
it's raining to beat the band


I went to the galleria after work today
after work
I didn't really want all the people
but i wanted to wander
and i wanted to go to the fountain pen store
which seems to be gone, or moved, or something
I went to where I thought it was
it wasn't there
I looked on the directory
that's where it said it was
I don't know
so
I gave up and went to sephora
I found an eye shadow brush
nice, their brand, just what i was lookin for
only $16. -- not bad
but
I wasn't done wandering
so I looked and looked
and I bought a powder foundation
Nars all day luminous powder foundation
which wasn't in my plan
I was planning bare minerals blemish correcting
but
I love Nars
and I haven't had any Nars for years
and
I am a difficult color to match
but
when I was looking at Nars
the lightest, Siberia, seemed too light
and the next one, Mont Blanc, just looked so beautiful
the sales girl came over


I'm just trying to decide if this is the right shade for me, I heard myself saying
I can color match you
ok, I said, but I'm wearing a powder foundation now and it's not the right shade-- we'll need to clean that off
she wipes off a swath of cheek and jaw
rubs Mont Blanc into my face
wow, she says, that just disappears into your skin-- it's a perfect match-- look
I look in the mirror
there's a section of my cheek that looks great
yeah, I say, it looks good
I go to check out


I head back to my exit, but a slightly different route
there is an Israeli makeup cart I didn't know to avoid
I haven't been to the mall in a long time
he pulls me over
do you wear makeup
yes, I say
what kind, like Mary Kay
no, not like Mary Kay
like bare minerals
well, yeah sometimes
he has a brush out and is trying to paint my face with mineral makeup
I look at him
I really don't want to do this now
I'm feeling slightly hysterical
he lets me go
look us up on line, he says
as I try to get while the gettin's good
I only get about 15 feet when I tall attractive woman in a very short form fitting dress hands me a sample packet
I say thank you and try to keep walking
we do facials, she says
that's great, I say
let me show you, she says
not now, I say, but I'll keep it in mind
I can show you on your hand
no thank you, not now


are you Jewish, she asks me


now, tho took me by surprise
she's Israeli
why is she asking me that
is she gonna give me a discount if I am
it's like a life long dream to be mistaken for Jewish
which is a silly dream I know, but....
no, I'm not, I say
that seems the safest answer here


really, she says, I just thought
because of how you're dressed


and my first thought was
but my collar bone isn't even covered

when you are prone to depression

normal sadness
or
sometimes other emotions
can slip into depression
like a damaged joint might slip out of place
without as much force
as a healthy one
and today
I don't feel raw and sad
I feel depressed
cold
vacant
apathetic
I still feel like I might cry
but
it's less specific
more global
and
I would do almost anything
not to have to go to that god-forsaken place
just to crawl back in bed
sleep
did i tell you
I just found out my boss
whose last name is mays
but I didn't ask
even though I wanted to
is like the great nephew of Willie Mays
he sees him at family reunions
every two years
six degrees of separation
or something

i'm not the type of person

to lose a child, and then go right out
looking for a replacement
I was sobbing and saying I never
ever
wanted another
and
it wasn't planned that way
but
in the past
the cats would find me
and
so
there would almost always be two
but
it didn't work that way this last go round
so, for the last six, seven years
it was only one
and now there's none
and it's only been a week
and
I'm looking at cat rescue sites online
not because I'm getting a cat
not right now
but
like
because I have to remind myself
that there will be another cat
at some point
because
it's so empty
and it feels disloyal
and
bad
no one could ever replace my baby
my little Zen kitty
who
if he's in my soul cohort
and was just lucky enough to get to be the cat
this time around
is probably sitting in the reboot room
saying
dude, tubular

i am upset about my cat

i'm not doing too well

I just let a customer make me cry
that hasn't happened since my dad died

i hope

you're doin ok
Shaq was just in my store
and i thought of you

i love you

i'm so sad

I've been drinking all day
slowly
I keep seeing him
I'm not sure how I'm gonna take it

i had to schedule the reaper

11:30 am tomorrow