today had a rather surreal quality to it

i literally do not remember last year
it's one long blackout drunken escapade
there was death
and
mayhem

but i don't remember it

the year before
there was death
and
mayhem

but i do remember that

but
it's weird
i don't feel like the same person, somehow

today i felt very detached from my own ...
what am i trying to say here
not from my life
but from my job
my circumstances
it was like somebody just dropped me into a body
like i was drivin it around
and it didn't really work all that well
my back got sore--  so so fast

yet i was able to be triumphant
in a petty little way
suck it megan
i whispered to myself
as i sold the last 19 bottles of the 2 cases of the prisoner
that my regional overloard didn't really want me to buy

but it doesn't really help me
and my
my mother is starting not to bother me so much

we had dinner at this place she likes
and
i like it too

and
i worried about you today
maybe, sometimes, i think you won't know what i mean
you'll mistake my meaning
i paint you this delicate beautiful wraith/waif, sometimes
i might puncture your membrane
with my callous tongue

is that a hold-over from my dad, a long standing belief about men
something psychological
or something you made me feel
when first i cried to you from my balcony window
high, chain-smoking, and watching dragonflies in the rain

maybe it's the beautiful tragedy of your poetic soul
fancy words for the thing that pulled me
from the start

maybe i've reified it in a maternal sort of way

or maybe
i just heart you

it doesn't have to make sense
it just is
and
i
had
forgotten
the mayhem

and
i'm not sure what that means