i love you very much

lawn & order

i can't help myself
i imagine
our life
warm washes of color and pattern
not focused
more like tuning in a pattern
more like underpainting
and that imagining
interferes
impinges
confuses
replaces
my life

it frightens me

lately
i imagine this place
like the tiniest little house
it's too small i say
two people cannot live in that place

but the strange thing is, when i imagine you
you never take up space

not like
the bed isn't big enough
or there isn't a chair

like
there doesn't need to be privacy space
like
your never in the way

and
i mean
surely, i cannot be that naive

regardless, i imagine this little place
with this really awesome yard
and, the thing the places we live have in common
is this kinda indoor outdoor vibe, right
so, there
all the space you need

but, i mean before i got the inside furnished
i got this standing outdoor brunch gig scheduled till perdition

and i'm all like:
wtf

and right back i'm like:
if you live in that house you got to do that

wtf, your fantasies are too much work

i have a bunch of thoughts

but i've had a bad headache all day
and it's muddling me

i wanted to straight up write you all these days
and
i'm feeling
kind of inspired
but
i can't pull it off tonight

i love you, am thinking of you

but right now
i'm thinking about the pavillion for japanese art
if we actually went there
walked around the galleries
went to the snack bar
talked about the rain with the older than me gay male couple
sipped coffee in the beautiful drizzle

would it have been just like that
how
..........zen
...................are
............................you

it's thursday

the giant visual metaphor bubble
maybe you know what i'm talking about
it's a thing that i do
where what i'm doing and seeing and experiencing
becomes experientially narrative, see

anyway
what i'm trying to say
is that it doesn't always work to my advantage
menstrual blood is, like, the fucking red sea
and i hate it
but
i swear to god
right now
right
now
i could do one of those wemoon festival

no
now wait
that's outta control
and you can't be telling him stuff like that
men are afraid of all that menstrual crap
and you're gonna look crazy
or not sexy or whatever, but not good
not what he wants to hear

the menstrual cycle + werewolf mythos =
something interesting there

re: devouring you
consuming subsuming you within my body
animalistic fantasy without words

you do that too, right

suck whatever you're doing up into the fantasy
sort of a ritual embodiment
of the thing you're doing
sort of an investment of meaning
but sort of just a fantasy too
and maybe the edge of that is ticklish or hot
or maybe it's a blanket i wrap around myself

whatever

the ghost of the tilt-a-whirl

remember, can you
the sparkling desert carnival
where the evening stars bloomed in the sky
like the cactus
after the rain

we walked together, sharing a beer
with the cool of the evening rubbing against us
begging the question
of friction

then
hands clasp
we ran across the dryness
scattering integument
until we reached the naked truth

plunging into and through one another

secret oasis

stay with me in the desert tonight, my body a nest of stars
and show me
nodes

i trace the letters of the name of another woman across your chest
above your heart
and i say:

who is she
the woman you gave your heart to
i want to know
i can handle it
but
you shake your head tapping the other side

as i press ear and cheek to you
i sink
into the sound of the sea

mrs. potter's lullaby

i heard it today
it's on the spool at work
i hear it every day, but i heard it today

and tonight
tonight i want you

hey, is this gross

i've been using this "peeling" exfoliant
and i love it
it feels awesome
and
i really want you
to rub that all over my back
partially because i can't reach
but
partially
because i just think it would feel really good

but
it might be gross to you
because the skin just peels away
and maybe you aren't cool
with that whole monkey grooming thing

and
i'd probably need to shower after
and then
i'd want you to soap my back

transmogrification

the other day
i took a bath
mostly i shower
but my back was aching

i had a cup of coffee
but what you may not know about me
is that i don't have a big cadre of cups just hanging out
and then i pick the mug by mood
i have, sorry, had
this big
pink
mug

it's size and proportion comfortable
it's material [thick porcelain] perfect in texture and heft
i bought it in a whole foods
like
maybe ten years ago

anyway
you probably saw this coming, but
i broke it

so yesterday
i went a couple places, looking for a new mug
the potter who made the first one
seems to have vanished
the guild of potters
disbanded

then i went to this little shop in the village

and i saw these beads
they are green plastic faux cinnabar
i mean they like glowed
but i didn't see china
i saw jaguar jade
mayan priestess necklace

i guess i was inspired

i've got to find some spacer beads
and
i need
because it came to me in a flash
one of those gold plated pre colombian frog pendants
like you could by in every museum gift shop world wide in the seventies

you had a wife and 4 kids

there was a bunch of dream
and i can't remember all of it

i was working with you
and a group of others
and
i was giddy
with the nearness of you
the project
which might have been a film
was going really well

then
your wife showed up to take you to the hospital
she had your two little girls with her
and when i asked them
[the girls]
where you were going
she said
you were going to pick up the babies
apparently
one was just in from
boston or philly
and the other from pakistan

what are you, brad pitt

i am very confused
why would you send me this dream

flying fishes

it was very complicated
there was soup
and there were magic capsules
and then
there were the bajillion pills distributed by the flying fish

i think the purpose was to elevate humanity in some way
we had to keep flying around the world
both for information
and to defeat those who wanted to stop us

it was too involved for me to remember all of it
but the flying fish
they were cartoon-ish
they sort of looked like the power puff girls
with their fins balled up like fists

i had twins, a boy and a girl

it was long crazy dreaming
there was a war on, or something
and i was trying to protect my babies
who were tiny
eight or ten inches long
and, pretty uniformly black
not even like African American black
but like the clothes i wear
black
and i was a little sad
because i didn't think you could be the father
and periodically
they would change into kittens

and
they came and told me
i did the inventory
completely wrong

olfactory

you know i've been on this skin care thing awhile
and
i've really been wanting to tell you
but
i keep thinking it's probably boring

so two three weeks ago now
i went to the face shop
i needed an emulsion
and i had this kind of fantasy in my head
they have a line called white tree snow
but i had just come off inventory
and i had bad braaaaaaains

so i had to wander

the face shop had the same girl who helped me before
she's attractive to me i guess
she's pretty i guess
and she could be cute if she wanted to be
but she doesn't
she wants to be serious
she is polite
almost perfect in that she greets you, makes you feel welcome
then leaves you completely alone
but
is ready to answer any question
or discuss her experience with the products
and when i finally left over two hours later
apologizing for taking up so much of her time, said:

not at all
i got my big shipment i've been expecting
and i got it all put away
and i feel like you were part of the process
besides
it's good to take your time
when you're deciding what to put on your skin

so i tried a bunch of foam cleansers
and i didn't like the white tree snow
i think the whole line is for young young women
but
i really liked the e'thym O2 cleanser
and
the mung bean cleanser
which was too cheap for me to feel safe putting it on my face

and the emulsion that i ended up getting was flebote crystal whitening
which i don't so much like the smell of
but
it just gave that sort of yes when it touched my skin

also
i got kelp sheet masks
but that's like a whole nother post

so that was in contrast to the place that sells the sooryehan

i went to the asian grocery i love
cause i needed toasted sesame oil and whatnot
so i'm trying to walk past the sooryehan store
but they're having a gift set sale
so i slowed down to look

and the old woman who works there
she spots me
you need something lighter for the summer
that was true
that had motivated my emulsion shopping
so
she pulls me in

she remembers isa knox
and she shows me something
more moisture
summer dries your skin

yes it was moist
but
i walk over to the hyo
i want this
do you have a set with this

she turns to the young girl
she's go good
she knows

she turns to me:
this most popular in korea

so i was trying not to spend money
and i ended up with something i wanted
plus samples of the rest of the line

and
finally
here is the olfactory

after i wash my face
i tap the toner sample onto my hand
and it smells
amazing

like
floating through an atmosphere
where my molecules are permeable to

i can't even say

flower
rain
mana

and
not just the scent
physical sensation as scentual experience

i smell that
until the wave passes
and then
i put the on the serum and emulsion and eye gel cream
and press my hands into my face

[and the thing is
i've been using this baby collagen serum
and i felt like it was working
but
this stuff
a.) i don't care if it works it feels great
b.) seems to make my skin feel younger]

when the scent begins to evanesce

i pat on the flebote
which has this strong floral scent
which is slightly jarring
but when the emulsion sinks in
it's like i can feel the resveratrol
or

it holds my face in warm embrace

chat

1) co sleeping and Oedipal issues
2) nasal orgasm [as derived from scent]
3) what makes a male a man [verses masculine]
4) how did platonic come to mean sexless
5) that thing you know i want to know

bird of paradise

there's this way we
sleep
the points of connection
the ever so slight
nuanced snuggle
extrapolates
gesturally

the length of your arm across me as we sleep

award winning essay found

i had a lot of dreams
can't remember most of them
but
in one
there was some official something
a foundation or something
they were giving a presentation
and they thought i might want to see
this
and this was a printed copy of an essay
which i had submitted to them
when i was much much younger
and it was now being awarded something
and touted around
i was amazed
somewhat pleased
and totally preoccupied
with a baby
i think, also from the past
intense

there was something ceremonial

there was a long table
and the president
[of something]
was standing in front of it
i was walking along the length of it
some kind of ceremony

also
there was a speaker
at a college auditorium
i watched him from one side
walked through
watched him from the other side
i held him in reverence
but
by the end of the speech
i was in his light
he could see me
the audience could see me
and
that was somehow right

someone
[interviewer maybe]
was talking with the queen
asking her why she wore girdles
why she didn't just
show herself in all her glory
but
she started telling a story
about her son she lost in the 70s
and
the skin
all along the jaw
of the prince consort
was peeling away in ribbons

early for the next three days

promo change
so
weird brain
time change
for the next bit
maybe

maybe
it'll be good for me

and

p.s. i love you

there was only one really interesting thing in my dream

i was at a college
[possibly attending
possibly not]
there was this painter
he looked like somebody
but i just can't place who
i found him fascinating
and i was watching him paint

he was painting this popular girl
a beautiful girl
but
when he finished
he had painted her in a mask
ski mask
luchadora

getting up very early

gonna try
to write dreams
thinking about you darlin
you are my shining star
burn bright

weird little thoughts

i had this weird little day dream today

i was in the kitchen
and i told my daughter
to make that dish she's so good at
so we can have some on hand

it get's her every time

i imagine it now
she's irritated that i want her to do something
she feels proud
the one she's so good at
she feels confused
what have they had
what do they like
what is she best at

they war across her face
in a way that makes me love her

she strides across the kitchen to a bowl

i think sometimes
choices
they have to make as many as possible
from the youngest age possible
learning to decide
is the most important thing

and then
sometimes i think
for you
for them maybe not
if they are fast to make choices

something else


i really don't know why that is what i'm thinking of

what's happening now

i feel you so strongly