I ordered that Matelassé bedspread
the one on pinterest
although
in the twin size
the full was sold out
and
afterward
I remembered
when I was in my teens
or twenties
I told my mom I wanted one
for Xmas
although
when I heard Matelassé
I didn't put it together as the same thing
I had called it
never having heard it
MATE-a-LACE
although I didn't realize
the pattern could vary
I thought they looked
classy
and homey
at once
what my mother wanted to get me
though
was chenille
which I didn't want
I thought those looked
tacky
so
as I recall
I didn't get either

I dreamed
I lived on this piece of land
a lot of the dream
I can't remember
but
I know there were fish
maybe they were salmon
but
they were in this giant structure
my sense of it
is that they were swimming
but
somehow they also seemed
stationary
and
I could hear the whispers
of their hopes and dreams
and
I tried to make them come true

I dreamed I was a young teenager
and I went to some weird school
first
I was just stuck there
but then
somehow
I got transferred to a new branch
or something
and
I rode on the truck at night
not really sure
of exact details
but
we stopped for gas
and the guy went somewhere
I'm all putting my legs up
on the dash board
and thinkin thoughts
I dont remember now
but
I was young and kinda oblivious
the dash flashed me a sign
tank too full for engine on
I didn't turn the car on
I didn't notice it was on, though
I hopped out of the car
it was making weird noises
and a person on the street said
smoke came out the front
then
I wondered if I had turned it off
or if it would explode
but then
the driver guy came back
and started the car
so yes
I must have turned it off
yay me


I woke up
with a headache


hope you are doing well
love you sweetheart

well
I'm not very satisfied with the whole vet situation
she's saying
if he hasn't eaten by tomorrow morning
he might need to go to the emergency clinic
he might need a feeding tube
they gave him
an antibiotic
fluids, twice
an appetite stimulant
pain killers
some sort of blood test
xrays


he doesn't have any blockage
he maybe, they're pretty sure
has pancreatitis


she's not my favorite
I get where she's coming from
but I think
I may try a new vet


kitty
after all that drama
with the force feeding
just walked straight to the food dish
and
has been menacing me ever since
just say no
to appetite stimulants


it was very expensive
and
didn't seem
very rewarding


whatever
kitty's ok
I guess
but
why
is his pancreas enlarged


I'm gonna keep the appetite stimulants
in case I have this problem again
I'm not planning to give them to him
unless he stops eating


oh
she also suggested
anti anxiety medication
for the cat


goodnight sweetheart
I'm pretty exhausted
and
I already fell asleep
in the chair

I feel weird
like
maybe I'm going to jump out of my skin
but
I've been taking "hemp oil"
which I'm led to believe
is cbd
for
idk
a few days
so
maybe
since I forgot to take it this morning
the anxiety is back
I don't usually notice
but
I guess
if it's been gone
I'd notice it coming back
I feel
sorta
ptsd

now
I miss buzz
and I'm really sad
something is up with me
hormonally
this is too much
emotion
roller coaster


you are ok
kitty is ok
I'm ok
everything is ok


jesus

ok
here's something
I didn't ever suspect about myself
and I dont even think it was true
until I had a special needs baby
but
it doesn't seem to have gone away
even with the big tough
cuts me when he feels like it baby
although
he hasn't been doing that
the last month or so


I am
the most helicoptery
helicopter mom
like ever
I am literally sick to my stomach
and
I tell them way too much
and
have a note
I don't know that I like this
about myself
if he could talk
it would be better


I hope you are having a beautiful day
it's rainy here
I love you sweetheart

I'm up early
because I have to take it cat in
he's not eating
or drinking
he threw up a bunch of times
on Sunday
and since then he's just lay around
all listless
I wanted to wait until Wednesday
to take him in
but
I'm worried about him
and
I'm afraid
about the not drinking
and etc


I'm having a paranoid moment
where I feel like
whatever I say to you
or don't say to you
you will misinterpret
and
I will hurt you
so
just know
I'm crazy about you
and
anything
I say
or
don't say
should not be interpreted
negatively


I think
you are the best thing
since sliced bread
and
if I fail to make that clear
or
you're ever wondering
if I'm trying to criticize you
well, no, I'm not


I'm not saying
look
I'm not sure how paranoid I am
I'm a little worked up
I woke up
and immediately
thought of a way
one of the sweetest videos
I've seen
could be taken negatively


just
I love you, ok
I think you are great
and i love you very much

good morning
sweetheart
I love you

goodnight sweetheart
I fell asleep in the chair again
happy father's day
I love you

I'm thinkin about you

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

hope you're having fun today
pretty sure it's not hot where you are
I love you
sweetheart

goodnight sweetheart
I love you

I'm like on a bender
I've made it about half way through the bottle
but
it's not like I'm even tipsy
because it's spread out
over like 7 or 8 hours


hope you're doing great
I love you

ok.
all done.


I'm goin to the liquor store.


margarita time!


whoo hoo

well
inventory is done
and
most of my signs for the new promo are out
I still need to do
the refrigerated case signs
and all the stuff up front
but
I'm mostly done


things you may not know about me
I cannot spell
refrigerator or refrigerated
without spell check


although I learned in
third grade or maybe fourth
that the was no R in wash
I have never learned that there is no D
in refrigerator


that's just the truth
I'm a terrible speller
i used to sometimes go through
three or four synonyms
trying to find a word i was sure i was spelling right
because
you don't get extra
for a good essay
if you spell all illiterate-y
and i have a big vocabulary
i just can't spell

I'm not feeling very good
I'm feeling like I haven't slept at all
acidy stomach
slightly dizzy
this is some bs
I got sleep
why do I feel so bad

my aunt Joan
I can never remember
is her birthday 4/21
or 4/24
is that bad
I can't remember
she only lived to be 57
I worry about
how young everybody died
like
maybe I don't have much time left

did not sleep well
woke up about every hour or so
worried, I assume, that I'd oversleep
very complicated
puzzle type dreams
that I don't remember
so
today
inventory
we have an outside firm come in
which sucks
it would be so much better
if we just did it ourselves
and then
signage for new promo that starts today
so
no stress at all
just too much to do
4-12
so at least I get 7 1/2 hours
maybe 8
because I may not get a lunch
but
whatever
it'll be over by noon


I love you sweetheart