i think i have a cold

i'm angry at myself
because i haven't really gotten sick
in a long time
although i've had a few bouts
of not feeling too good

but
i let myself get
somewhat dehydrated
and
i haven't been eating the best
or getting enough sleep
or
not working too hard

so
i'm taking extra vitamins
and drinking apple cider vinegar water
and wheat grass tablets
and laying off the coffee and dairy
but
i still worked 11 hours today

i love you
dumpling

i hope you are happy and healthy

i keep getting
death
and
mourning
and
nightmare
cards for you

i thought that was kinda weird

hope everything's ok

i love you

i want you to be happy

i love you very much

i feel peculiar

on the one hand
i feel kinda detached
from everything

on the other hand
i feel strangely good

on the other hand
i feel like i should be worried about running out of time

i'm not actually worried about running out of time
i just think that it would make good logical sense to be worried about that

i worry about metaphor

sometimes
sometimes i can't feel you at all
and
sometimes
i feel you quite intensely
even sometimes
when
i haven't written anything, or whatever
so you must just be thinking about me

and
right now
the cards
are not giving me anything i can interpret

like this, for example

http://www.greenwood-tarot.com/tarot2/gwheel.php?numbers=26:60:35:13:63:36:40:21:43&deck=gt/&maxNumber=8&name=Optional&question=Optional&date=no&backg=&reading=

when i ask:
what is he thinking about us and our future

it looks all good
except for that boredom and mourning stuff
that looks kinda scary

and
it's always like that


i love you

apparently, my dreams are all about the bodily fluids

i was in some class
they held it in a cafe
in an alt-city version of where i live
and
i had some discussion about
equating this area with manhattan

which doesn't make any sense

and i knew it in the dream
this is a small area
with
few tall buildings
and
it's predominantly residential
except for the major thoroughfares
which in the dream
were all
highrised and glass fronted

like the trendy sushi building
so
maybe i'm projecting
midtown gentrification
across to the edge
of old-money-town
but

that still doesn't make it manhattan

anyway
this class was weird
it was all about themes in textiles
or something
and
i kept referring to one style as earthy

it pissed the teacher off
but
it was mushroom colored
but there was some catch-phrase

really
rather than school
this seemed more like
some corporate district meeting
anyway

i think i got thrown out
and

i ended up
in a public bathroom

i was sitting
i looked down at my feet
i was wearing keds
and the laces looked like they had been
ripped away

what had happened


and then
i wiped

an enormous amount of
ovulation discharge
like the white of a large egg

and i'm like:
well
what the hell is this supposed to be telling me

i'm sorry if i was weird this morning

i was freaked out

and
i had the
distinct impression
that you were mad at me

but
there isn't any reason you should be

i'm kinda freaked out by the dream i just had

ok
so i wasn't me, exactly
and the guy wasn't you
and it was a whole sword swallowing scene

and
it wasn't like i was
attracted to him
or
into it
sexually

but
it was very physical
like my tactile sensors
were working
to a greater extent than usual in dreams
and
i was thinking stuff like:

wow
i think i used to be good at this
and
i'm critiquing my technique
but really
i don't think
it's possible that it was actually realistic
it seemed very deep
and he seemed
very small
so unless he detached
and then
there was swallowing

now
wtf

if i'm having a dream like this
i want to be doing you

and
now
i have this irrational fear
that
somehow the reason i had this dream
or because of it
or something
you
must be mad at me
or
thinking that i'm rejecting you somehow
or something bad

and
really
it probably has a meaning
that isn't sexual in nature at all
since it was so non-arousing
and what-have-you

i can't remember any context, at all


even if you're mad at me
please
don't send me any more dreams like that

i'm drunk

i went to dinner with my mom
and
i had grapefruit for lunch
so
when i drank my first glass of wine i got drunk

i should always drink with mt mom

hard to type though

thinking about

talking
at the late nite
hot dog stand

talking
about
magazine articles
in the coffee shop

reading
shamanic way of the bee




dreamed about
waiting in line to shower
got to the head of the line
asked:
showers are one dollar
are baths
still two dollars
she said:
yes
i said:
i'll have a bath, then
she said:
i just need one hundred dollars
to renew your gym membership
first
i said:
oh
maybe just the shower, then
but, i don't know
i'd really like a massage
maybe
maybe i will renew
hmmm

well, i am a genius soup maker, but maybe it doesn't taste like chicken broth, not really

i decided
i'm in love with the smoked paprika flavor
so
i added some more
and some ginger
and some noodles

i'm not making the matzo balls
i have no doubt that i can do that
i don't need to practice
and
i decided
that wasn't what i wanted for dinner

it tastes
delicious

it doesn't taste
like chicken

but
this combo
smoked paprika and ginger
is a big big winner
and
it
is probably the genesis
of whatever soup
i would feed you
when you have a cold
or need
comforting food

and
next time i make it
it won't have to take so long
because
the second reduction
really didn't improve it
i'll just start with more wine

so far, so good

it tasted pretty good
maybe a little heavy on the paprika
[i added another 1/2t]
but, all in all, not too shabby

so
i strained out all the stuff
[i had to let it cool down first
so i could pick up the crock and pour]

but
i had planned
to do more stuff to it, anyway
i added
4T nutritional yeast
2 cups water
2 cups white wine
more dill

and it's taking forever to get back up to temp

until the alcohol can cook off
i won't know
whether i am a genius
or
not

so
in the mean time
i experimented with the guts
[the stuff i strained out]

i tried "chicken patties"
which looked
frankly, not great
all charred and blackened on the outside
but tasted good
on a bun with mayo and dijon mustard
woe the sadness
i am out of hamburger dills

i tried making dense "chicken" dumpling
but
they just cooked away in the salty water
and
i knew they might do that
but
i wanted to try

the more food i can get out of one escapade
the more cost effective it becomes
and the more likely
it could work
on some sort of regular menu

thre cholent was a win
the meatloaf
and expensive expensive loss

and
although matzo ball soup
might not be something you'd want to have
weekly
because it would
diminish the special
chicken soup of some ilk
bring it on


i'm not just thinking chicken noodle
i'm thinking thai coconut lemongrass
i'm thinking pho

the list could go on and on

i'm working on the broth

i started with
a cup of chickpeas
a cup of new age rose
1/2 lemon wedged
2 cups water
garlic
white pepper
turmeric
and
4T nutritional yeast

i let that cook on high about an hour

i added
a small onion
4 stalks of celery heart
4T toasted sesame oil
4T avocado oil
herbs de provence
dill weed
cumin seed
2 squares of kombu
1/2t dijon mustard
1/2t smoked paprika
1/2t better than bullion
a small piece of shitaki mushroom


i thought i had carrots
but
i guess i don't
that's the main reason for the better than bullion
that
and
a tiny tiny bit of tomato taste
below the register hopefully

it has too much top right now
but
it's a nicely complex top
i'm hoping
the chickpeas will develop
with the smoked paprika
and kombu
to create a full bottom
and the oil
is for flavor
and texture

avocado oil is kinda buttery
and toasted sesame
has a roasted or slightly bacon-y flavor
i'm hoping
between the two
to develop something
that will feel like
when you cook a whole chicken in water
slowly
for a long time
and you get that thick rich broth

i have another bottle of wine
this one a white table blend
which is slightly sweet
which i am prepared to add

i hope hope hope it works

i have to go to sleep now

please take care of yourself
i love you very much
i wish
i was sleeping next to you
that i could feel your arms around me

you've got big emotions
i can feel that all the way from here

it's all gonna be ok

you thought about me today

are you ok?

i love you

big or small dense or fluffy

i've had matzo ball soup
but
not near as many times as i've had
chicken and dumplings
or
various chinese dumplings
so
when i think of dumplings
which matzo balls are as well
i think of dense dumplings

but
i think
with mbs
the standard is light and fluffy
so
whatever you like

the trouble
is the broth
cause
nothing tastes like chicken broth

not really

but
i have a plan
i'm not going to be so hard on myself
as the whole meatloaf escapade

i'm going to crockpot it

chcikpeas
onion
carrot
celery
lemon wedge
wine
[and here i'm thinking a somewhat sweet white wine
or possibly rose
but
not the red that i usually use]
and
i'm not that big into dill
i'm leaning toward
rosemary
and or herbs de provence
and
maybe some turmeric for color
white pepper
and maybe
some nutritional yeast
oh
and salt
it'll need salt

i think
that will be
chicken-esque
but
it won't be chicken
if it tastes good
i will consider that a victory

or
i could not make that at all
and instead
make something different
that you'd like better
and
we could just have a go-to-the-deli tradition
where you eat the real chicken soup
because
i don't know that you should suffer

so, matzo ball soup

today was the best day i've had in a while

i said my hormonal cycle has been off
i should have been ovulating
when i saw you
but
i was having some spotting
which is not normal for me
but
is not abnormal for human females
so
i wasn't too worried
but
then
i ovulated later
and
i was like:
crap
this is going to throw my cycle off
by like 10 days at least
because it is like 12 days
between ovulation and happy happy blood time
so
where i was expecting the joy
on like the 4th
here it comes today
but
i've been
wanting to punch people in the face
for almost 2 weeks

but
it's not just
hormonal relief
that makes it the best day

today
in my mind
i was on our porch
all day
mixin up alcoholic punches
and just being
in a world that is ours
and
i haven't been able to do that
but
today
i could

i feel better

so
i don't know what's going on
with my brain chemicals
and
i don't know if it's stress
or what
but my hormonal cycle
is whack as well

and
i'm in the mood
which
i haven't been much, lately

and
it's kinda a shame, really
that i'm on an all you diet
because
damn
not only would that hit the spot
just right now
but
i don't think
that it's healthy
to go without, forever

i still don't know what to believe
and
mostly
that suppresses desire
ao
mostly
any desire has been
a never jam today type longing

but
now i wanna buck
and scream

and
i'm continuing the fantasy in my head
and
if i have to cry and cry later that i did that
i'm telling you now
and this is a promise
god will smite you

i'm not kidding

moose
and
all that

now
back to heat
i need you
and not gently
words like driving
and
explosive
and
you know where i'm going with that
but
more graphically anatomical
as well as fluid
and
maybe in the kitchen
or
i'm getting
between hanging sheets
on a laundry line
that smell of fresh linen
and damp grass

come on
don't hold out on me baby
i need you
now

well, maybe this isn't right either

i don't like the sundried tomato
it takes over

i could
[if i loose the sdt]
crumble this in mashed potatoes
and blah blah
for a really good shepherd's pie

i could maybe
crumble it
re-patty it
and fry it in a pan
to get veggie burgers

it just doesn't work for me
as a meatloaf
the texture is not right

i really like the crispy bits
but the center
still screams

not meat


i had a radical thought
about the greasiness

it involves tofu
which i try to avoid
for estrogenic reasons
but
drastic measures may be called for

if you freeze firm tofu
then
when it thaws
you can squeeze all the water out of it
like a sponge
and
it becomes
a sponge

if
i can mix up
some sort of oily mixture
it could absorb
into
the tofu

and
maybe
i'm missing the boat with miso
maybe i need worchestire sauce instead
at least in the grease

maybe
i'm using too much bread
or not enough egg
but it doesn't seem like it
you cannot possible have to use lentils
or fake meat substitute

but really
i think mine is just as loaf like as any
it's just not as meatlike
and
in the quest for meat-ness
i'm losing the veggie loaf-ness

bah

i will not be beaten
it's food
not mount everest

and
in case you can't tell
this is the only thing
i'm actually
enjoying
to do
anymore