in case you've never heard michael wex

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHv0bHWBuJA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzR4IqwojTY

rabbi akiva @crackerbarrel redux

it's not that i'm more learned
it's just
that
what i've got seems
all current event-y

i was on the road
i stopped

now
i like cracker barrel
it reminds me of places
the little country places
my mom and i would stop when driving back to her parent's house
where you'd sit down and they'd bring you a basket of biscuits
before you even ordered
with butter
and honey
and
you could buy jerky
and quarts of milk with cream rising to the top

cracker barrel reminds me of stuckey's
with it's jarring orange-ness
and it's kitschy crap and candy

spliced
with those beloved country food memories

somehow
it works

or at least
it had until now


i was on the road
and there just isn't that much
i can eat, anymore, at the ol' cb
but i stopped
in louisiana
for the coffee
and
just for the record
no louisiana coffee for cb
just whatever they serve wherever

whatever

but i took in my book
i'm reading three
but i just took in one:
entering jewish prayer
cause i'm trying to understand what it's all about

now
i don't know if this is pertinent or not
but, in the spirit of full disclosure
i had just been listening to
just say nu
in the car
more because i love michael wex' voice
than for any real yiddishkeit
but
whatever
i think i'm somewhere between a pisher
and an alter cocker
when i walk into the ol' cb

and, i mean, i've bought cds there
i count on them to have classic country
or
at least
something good enough to be background noise

but
what they lacked in coffee
they apparently planned to make up for with
christian music

not gospel
not bluegrass
not oh brother where art thou
just big honkin no musically redeeming value christian music

so i'm looking at my three menus
trying to find something i feel okay about eating

and i ended up getting a fish sandwich
and then that felt weird
cause it was friday
and it was like i was encouraging them

so then
while i'm waiting for my food to come
drinking my coffee
trying to get
over the fact
that i got four hours sleep the night before
wishing i could have gotten by
on my
fresh strawberries
saviseed, chocolate maca, & sprouted buckwheat granola
and papaya, guava, & oat bran dehydrator cookies
feeling like everybody in the joint is staring at me
probably
because i look like a female version
of the guy from the unbelievable truth

and then
rabbi akiva said:

study is more important than performance

and
i thought i might be okay, afterall

if only i could remember and describe the dreams i've had in the last few days

i don't know if they mean anything
but
they certainly have been
packed with stuff

astronauts
bodies of water
multiple perspectives
stuff
stuff
stuff

and
strangely
last night
or, more accurately
this morning

someone ordering coffee
with two eggs
and
coconut
but
like
in the drink, like:

grande
two egg
coconut
latte

and the barista said:

i don't care how weird your drink is
just
get the
calling order
right


what do you think
that
means

i went up to the attic, put on my blue silk shirt

stuff

i don't feel like me
maybe i'm getting sick
maybe i'm having an identity crisis
maybe it's that i've hardly spoken to you
for like ten days

whatever the reason

i feel weird

scatter-brained

i had the beginning germ of a story
in my mind
i was excited at the prospect of writing it for you
and then it just vanishes from my head

i think i'm sleep deprived
and i've had bad dreams
and i drove on i-35
and nothing blew up
but it was a toll road

i asked god for a revelation
and i just felt like i was separated from myself
in another dimension

i feel like i was gone for an eternity
and it wasn't even very long


i miss you intensely

i don't think i'm me anymore
if i'm not talking to you

it's not that i didn't want to finish that post....

although
all the stuff the title might have
made you imagine
might be more exciting than
the original thought

i might
when i've read more
have to write a story

i've been on the road
and
have not had internet
don't have consistent internet now

i worry
that if you don't hear from me
you think
i've quit you
or am injured
or something
though
maybe that isn't the case

but
my new cards
they say
you aren't worried
not at all
like
that you're really really happy

in some new level of happiness

so
i hope they're right

i love you
and i've been thinking about you constantly
even if i've been quiet

rabbi akiva @ the cracker barrel

tonight, beloved, it is your legs

and
in particular
your gait

so very

rue full

no beast of burden you

and on the ship she read i will fear no evil

lounging on deck chairs
letting me go where i would
staring at the running water
contemplating shuffleboard
the swimming pools were all filled
with water from the sea
which burned my eyes
and deterred swimming
i entertained myself

until
someone from the crew
propositioned my mother

at which point
she decided i was not safe
i was nine
and without breasts
but

suddenly

my vacation was cut short

she attached herself
to a married couple with a son
more or less my age

i didn't like him, particularly

my days became
endless ping pong

my evenings
evil under the sun
murder by death
until i rejoined my mother
for exquisite meals
and
what i knew even then
were bad floor shows

he seemed to like me
marginally more than i liked him
and it may have been a form of rudimentary flirting
or it might have been something else

but he was continually and forever
calling me:
moose

which i hated
volubly

until
he just said it one time too many

at which point
i walked up to him
grabbed a big bunch of shirt
and pulled him to attention:

if you call me moose
one more time
i'm gonna beat the crap out of you

after that
she seemed to have time for me
mysteriously
again

i love you

more about the cheesecake....

ever since
i decided
to make cheesecake
i've been having these wild ideas

the first to come to me
almost instantly:
smoked almonds

what???!!

no, wait

it came to me in a flash
rather than graham cracker, or whatever
though
maybe not only smoked almonds
that might be too salty
the trick
i think
would be to find
unsalted
(or very lightly salted)

and
brie
not all brie
just enough
and honey

it took me a while to decide honey
because
believe it or not
i considered
for a long long time
the possibility of a savoury cheesecake
like as the main course
with like a wheat pilaf

and i'm definite about the wheat
have to do the wheat

but
you know
cheesecake is meant to be sweet
and the milk and honey thing
that's just right
maybe marble the brie and honey in

and
for some reason
maybe i just want salty
but i'm thinking about quiche with olives and feta
which would be good with the pilaf
but
hello
green vegetable much

but
i have a strong feeling
for fresh figs

maybe in some sort of salad

that might be too much going on at once

can you tell
i really enjoy this

all done with mirrors, apparently

i had no idea
that book
it's taking me places

the redemptive power
of passion

reflecting
lacanian
je
into a future

moses didn't believe

and
it was the women
with their little fishes
and mirror games

600,000

don't break my thighs, moses
turn your head
and see the burning bush

it's all in what you see

so far loving that book....got new tarot cards too

guess i wasn't supposed to tell you
just wrote this long long post
about my new cards

and

plans for finally learning
to make cheese cake

and

something to do with
merkabah

but

then my system shut down
for updates
that i didn't see coming
and i lost it

so
maybe i wasn't supposed to tell you

which i haven't, exactly
now

just stuff

i got this book
the particulars of rapture: reflections on exodus
which i'm excited about
i'm hoping it's my speed
it's by
avivah gottlieb zornberg

i was going to get
have been looking at for about a year
(without being able to quite make myself buy it)
the murmuring deep: reflections on the biblical unconscious
and i may still
but not right now

i hope i like her writing as much as i think i will
and then maybe i'll read them all, eventually
but i'm taking this as my point of entry



i have to tell you something:
i don't like ritual or set prayers
that may be part of the reason
i've never been comfortable with religion

i talk to god
all the time
in my own words
and the idea of saying someone else's proscribed words
sets my teeth on edge

and
the idea that i need a special place to talk to god
i'm not so ok with either
i got into the habit
as a kid
i think
of pretty much always talking to god in the bathroom
cause you're unlikely to be interrupted there, i guess
plus
you're not really needing to divide your attention
and
it's not like you'll forget to go there
it just seemed like, obvious
however, i imagine, that's probably profane, or whatever

don't get me wrong
i talk to god other places
like
wherever i am when i got something to say


it occurs to me
this bathroom revelation
might open up a lot of stuff, contextually

...and rip torn as the dark knight

today

i thought about you
wondered what you were doing
today
today it was your ears, beloved
the twist
the curve
the way the sun shines red
through the tender conch
i have tried to paint them
but
their beauty defies me
i am so transfixed
i forget even
that ears are ripe for nibbling
they are the very david of ears

along with his soulful eyes
i hope he has your ears
she can have my ears
which are quite fine enough and feminine
she can have my eyes too
how disconcerting
to look into those eyes
she will be a challenge
she will look into my very soul

does it ever frighten you

it won't frighten him though
he'll just open his eyes wide
and i'll fall into them

don't let me spoil him

tell me i should spoil you instead

you're much more ornery
it won't hurt you any

smoke dreams

i was travelling
going to a festival
i had the living out of the car thing
solid

but i'm not sure what kind of festival it was
but there was weed
and a bong
and
though it's been three years
i guess
i still remember how to inhale
hard and pulling deeply down
then clamping down
then relaxing
feeling the thc enter my bloodstream

there was more, i know there was more

i was selling something
but not at a booth
through some sort of centralized vendor
the girl running that told me:
none of your sales are going through
i adjusted something
something to do with communication lines
then everything went through

but
there was this girl
she was hanging all over me
really irritating me
her name was debbie
and i'm not really sure how to interpret this
but
she had her finger up my ass
right out in public
and
i didn't want to be in private with her
i wanted her to leave me alone
so
even though i was out in public
i removed her finger
and told her to keep her finger out of my ass


i find this section
kinda confusing
and marginally disturbing
how am i supposed to interpret that


then i was in a house
in a neighborhood that i wasn't too sure about
i'm not sure if i thought it was dangerous
or just that it was maybe really run down
but
it didn't really seem that run down
and there was a deck
which gave it a ship-like quality

i went out on the deck
other people were out on their own
so it had the feeling
of ships sailing in close proximity
and there was a sort of camaraderie
not too close
but comfortable

and the light had the most unusually quality
not as shady as dusk
but not as colorful as dawn

it was a bright darkness

and i could see

a lovely place
i hadn't known existed

i got somethin but it didn't have much to do with decor

i got some general impressions
before i even got into bed

whereas i had been thinking in waking hours
of a draped version of this:

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=56501&parentid=BAYNOTE

the general impression i was getting was more like this:

http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=960063&parentid=BAYNOTE

not specifically that bed
just something big-solid-wood-sturdy-imposing
but then
i got pretty much nothing else of the room
what i got was
reiteration
of why the bed needs to be big and sturdy

i don't know if this is just my fantasy working
but there seems to be a lot more rolling around
than i remember ever doing before
even in the kissing stage

so i don't know if that was you
hell, it's entirely possible that
every psychic thing i think you've sent
is all my imagination
maybe you don't even believe in psychic communication
either way
the campaign bed does seem a little flimsy
i have traditionally leaned more toward platform beds

anyway
i guess you know
whether you sent anything out or not
so you get the scientific results

have a beautiful day
much love
and thanks
for rolling around with me

i love you

hope everything's good
had some random stuff
i was gonna say
but
the most important of it was:

hey, i love you


i'm hoping tonight
i'll dream about the bedroom
cause i'm liking the decor theme
and the bedroom
is a tricky one
because, ya know
you have to walk that line between
restful enough to sleep
and
temple to passion

so
if you want
send dream thoughts my way
which i don't know if you know how to do
but i'd be fun to try

just send the thought out
it's sort of like a psychic pneumismatic tube
if i get it
you'll know
because you'll recognize it in what i write

see
super scientific

i'm totally not kidding

i should be asleep in 15-30 minutes

choosing a table and kitchen redo

i was in an old apartment
i was trying to fix it up
i had apparently already done the bathroom
and i was trying to edit
the dining...
i'm gonna call it a nook
because
even though it was a room
it was small
and
really half of it was gonna have to be
something else

but there were two tables
neither of them was quite right, somehow
but i thought both of them were beautiful
but they belonged to my mother, apparently
and she wanted to sell them
but it was like she was selling my childhood
i felt emotionally attached
wanted to hang on
even though they didn't work
i have a desk like that
i keep wanting to replace it
because it just doesn't work
but it's got too much history for me

i keep thinking i'll refinish it
fancy it up
use it as a dressing table
but
who am i kidding
i don't need a dressing table
maybe if i have a foyer
whatever

one of the tables
had a bentwood oval
to rest the glass upon
one had beautiful carving
i was leaning towards the glass top
because it leaves a more open feel
and it was a small space
but now i'm realizing
maybe what it really needed was a booth
maybe i could build in a U-shaped banquet
with under storage
and use the glass table
hmmm, maybe

then i moved into the kitchen
and
it had a super high ceiling
but it was all plaster dust and messed up
and i wanted to paint the top eight feet
and wall paper the bottom whatever it was
five or six
with some easily cleanable stuff
but then too
i thought
maybe i should do a drop ceiling
hang stuff
for extra storage
but
i was totally not competent to do that alone
the benches
i could have done
although
power tools
kinda terrify me
because
i have a tendency to the clumsy
and one of my dad's friends cut off three of his fingers
with a saw when i was a kid
they sewed em back on
and they worked
sorta
but
it made a scary impressing
so
maybe i wouldn't
or
maybe i'd use a hand saw and it'd take forever
(ooooo there'd be no storage with this option
but old fold down wooden stadium seats
would be really cool
though less practical, i guess)

but
i think a drop ceiling is a two man job
but that be cool
a wooden grid, say
suspended down from the high ceiling
although
maybe not
because
if i could reach it without a ladder
it might be a head risk


damn it
where am i going with this
i was so excited about this apartment
and now
i'm not sure if my ideas work

oh well
probably not a very interesting post, then