Like she was supposed to be cleaning off the desk in the kitchen table while I'm packing the whole rest of the house
And she didn't want me to touch those things
But then when it was time for the movers to be there the kitchen table still wasn't cleaned off
And she's like oh that's fine You can pack it up just put everything on the table into a box
Now everything that was on the table wouldn't fit into one box but there was quite a bit of junk on the table that I threw away
But as I got to the bottom
There was a cottage cheese container
And I'm like oh well maybe she has paper clips in that or something but there was a big part of my brain that knew it was quite possible that it had rotted food in it
So I opened it very carefully you know flat on the table not like I would if it was paper clips just you know pick it up and open it willy nilly
And it had something rotten and liquid in it I don't know if it was cottage cheese or if it was something else but it was disgusting
And I can't stop seeing that I can't get over it
And then today I'm packing up this other thing that she didn't want me to touch and yet hasn't packed and probably won't be able to pack now
Cuz she's not supposed to lift more than 5 lb or lift her arm above her shoulder or you know any number of other things and she's supposed to relax
So I'm like well you know we're down to the last week so I guess I'll just go ahead and pack that
And it's a mishmash of things it's pictures
And stuff from family of origin
And random stuff that's paperwork that she probably doesn't really need to keep but she wants to for one reason or another
And then it's stuff like her will and her power of attorney it's in there somewhere
So
In addition to all of those things they're quite a few of my things that she found and squirreled away I don't know where she found this
But it creeps me out
There was a little packet that says Elizabeth private photographs
So I'm like what does that mean
So I open it up and it's Polaroids
That Robert and I took
When I was like 17
And he was like 20
And one is just of his dick
The other one is of him brandishing his dick
And the other one is me
In what looks to me like a very sad very timid beaver shot
Completely shaved of course because hair is gross even though that was not the standard at the time
And I'm like
I could see her throwing them away
I could see her shredding them
I could see her giving them to me and saying you know I'm sorry I found these and I thought they belong to you and there was any way for me to give them to you without your knowing that I had seen them but here you go
But keeping them with you know the baby pictures of me and I don't know I just I'm horrified
I'm traumatized
I'm not because she saw a naked pictures of me
But because she kept them
Like all secret
And I know it's just a hoarder thing can't throw anything away
But I can't get over it
The pacemaker battery situation
Apparently you just have to get the batteries replaced every so many years
And it's been that many years
and she didn't really tell me anything about it beforehand she just was like hey I'm having my batteries replaced
And then there was drama because she was scared but then she didn't want me there and I don't know it was all very complicated and the times kept changing and the story kept changing and what was going on kept changing and my research indicated to me that it should not be a big deal procedure but you know she's old
And so her procedure was supposed to be at 8:30 but then it was at 10:00 but there's only supposed to take 30 minutes
And I didn't want to be like an hour away so I just drove there to wait at a place that's like an a mile and a half away
But but I ended up waiting for a little over 2 hours there because the procedure didn't happen at the time it was supposed to and the information she was given about how long she was supposed to be in recovery wasn't right or she didn't get it right or something I don't know it's hard to know
Anyway even though it didn't seem like she was supposed to be in any danger it still was very traumatizing for me and I was very worried about her and I just I'm not bouncing back from anything now
I'm like just regulated all the time
And yesterday I had a headache and I couldn't make myself go to the house and I just spent all day playing with watercolor paints and it was great because I got engrossed in it and I completely didn't think about the house and the stuff that still has to come out of the house and now to keep her from trying to make me pack the other stuff and I don't know I'm just I'm not dealing with any of this very well
And I had this thing where I was like Man I want to change my name nobody's really called me by my name for years and I don't feel connected to it at all doesn't feel like it's me
And I thought well you know I could change it to Rose that was the name I gave myself when I was a kid
That just seemed too feminine for me and I just didn't think it fit me
So I took like you know I don't know 30 seconds and was like Ari Rose Cohen
Cause Cohen's a family name right
But there are like I don't know half a dozen at least Ari Cohen's who are famous enough to have Google listings anyway
And I don't know today I'm like less about it but yesterday I was all day I was Ari Rose Cohen
She's okay
She said she feels better than before they changed her battery
Anyway that's kind of an abbreviated version of the story but I feel like that's doing pretty good for the state I'm in
I love you sweetheart 💋
