All right I am boostered

If I had realized that they were going to open up additional boosters I'll let you take more than just the third one whatever I would have tried to make it a point to get boosted sooner back in like April or May when it was 6 months

But my thinking was that I wasn't really coming into contact with people very much and I wanted to wait for the fall

So I actually intended to get it back late July early August but of course things were in the thick of it then and I couldn't

Hope you're doing well

I love you very much sweetheart 💋

my headache is still going strong

I'm going to bed

played with paint today

otherwise just a bunch of brain fog

goodnight sweetheart

it is you that I love very much 💋

I have a bad headache today

so not working

it's basically done anyway

now I just have to redo studio

with added items

unpack her apartment and finish decorating it

probably something else

I'm planning to get my booster shot tomorrow

I didn't really plan on waiting this long

I fell asleep

I woke up to pee

and realized

I didn't say goodnight

I love you very much sweetheart 💋💋💋💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very very much 💋💋💋

goodnight sweetheart

I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart

I very much love you

💋💋💋

Woke up to pee

I love you sweetheart 💋

I love you sweetheart

have a very good night 💋💋💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

I dreamed about you

I don't remember most of it

But when I woke up I could remember the last part

You were talking to me through a pen

I was holding it up to my ear so I could hear it without the people around hearing what it said

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

The leaf green is good

You know how I was supposed to be over on the 9th of this month

Well

She got another month

She didn't tell me that she got another month

Until a couple of days ago

When I'm like hey

Is it still your intention to be out on the 9th

Because you know the areas that she has not been letting me into were undiminished

So I've pretty much finished

Most of the areas

But when I found out that I did not have to be done on the 9th I decided that working every day without a day off was no longer my plan

And I've been wrapping up all the glassware

And she was saying she wasn't coming today

And then somehow

I was like hey you know aren't you still going through things

Because as previously mentioned the areas that I am not allowed to go into are undiminished

Although I have kind of started whittling into them but I've been whittling into them just trying to do so without her noticing for quite some time

And she's like oh no I'm done

So I think that probably you supposed to mean just pack all of that

But I didn't ask very specifically because I didn't want to be told that

So after the point yesterday when she told me that I just started hardcore going into it

And I got like I don't know two or three more bags yesterday

And I've got three bags today

So far

Although I got a late start today I was really not feeling it this morning

But the thing is is that I'm kind of having to look through every little piece of paper and there are a lot of pieces of paper so I feel like it's taking me forever and I really want to stop

But I guess I'd be in traffic now anyway

Oh yeah it's 4:00 to be bad traffic

But I know well she may have gone through this stuff

But I can legitimately think she didn't

Because it's like important papers mixed in with old mail mixed in with what I'm hoping or not used Kleenexes

Then just pages and pages of pages of her writing you know how she wants her life to be clean and airy and organized and beautiful and etc

And I found one thing that I'm actually keeping I think where she wrote a whole thing about how you know I have to do this myself nobody else can do this for me blah blah blah

But she found a way to make somebody else do it for her

Anyway I feel like we're getting a little closer

Hang on let me take a picture

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Well

I had really bad headaches for the last couple of days

And I had some strange cramping that I could not determine what it was about

But then yesterday afternoon/evening

I discovered

I'm having a period

I sort of thought that wasn't going to have any more periods

Had one in November

I had one in December

I have not had one since then

But now I've got another year until I'm menopaused

It's not like a super big deal

It's what they would call a scanty period

And I don't know whether

To say who this is exciting news

I guess it is

I mean it doesn't mean I can have babies

Cuz it's definitely not enough blood to have made a home for a baby

But I guess if we have to ascribe any emotion to it let's ascribe excitement cuz why the hell not

💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

Ok

Not gonna buy 

the yavapai

or dark ocher

my favorite one is a mix

the one I'm pointing to

nickel titinate yellow + charcoal

+ raw sienna deep + violet iron oxide

+ lunar Earth

it looks a little darker

but part of what I love about it

is the variation

so

mix it is

I haven't ordered these yet

They're pretty inexpensive and there's something else I want that would get me free shipping but it's not back in stock yet

I don't know about the dark ocher I've watched videos of swatches and it seems to be brown with no orange in it

And not overly yellow

But in the picture here it doesn't look like a good color

So I don't know I may take that off

I'm also not 100% sure that that yellow is non-toxic I'm also not 100% sure that that brown is non-toxic

But my thinking

Is that a pretty strong transparent yellow

It's a reasonably new pigment

And I just haven't found one of those yellows that I like yet so I thought I'd give it a try

That brown I just can't resist although I don't think it's really as dark in person as it looks in that picture

But the lavenda

It's been creeping in around the edges of my consciousness that I should try a color like that

I typically would not

But the brown and the lavender is a contrast seems appealing

And the way I'm kind of constructing this palette conceptually

Is with mixing dyads

The raw umber and the Prussian blue green shade

the rose does (primary red looking thing) with the quinacridone fuchsia

and then also the quinacridone fuchsia with the perylene maroon

The satellite with the raw umber

The yellow which has changed several times but for sure the raw sienna deep with the violet iron oxide which is another one of my favorite painting colors

I wasn't going to put in the alizarin gold but it makes such beautiful oranges All three of those other reds will mix with yellows and make oranges but not like this one and it also dyads really well with the perylene maroon

The alizarin Gold also does some really cool stuff with the Prussian blue green shade

And then the leaf green it will mix with many of those colors and make beautiful shades but I was getting it for a contrast specifically I was thinking how beautifully it would contrast with the quinacridone fuchsia and then the lavenda

Of course contrast really well with the yellow but it also contrasts and maybe contrast is an exactly the word I want I think it works but it doesn't contrast in the same way with the brown as it does with the yellow

And these full pans are much less paint

I think a full pan is 5 ml of paint but it might be less than that I'm uncertain exactly but the sample size tube of the leaf green for example is 8 ml and it was about seven bucks and these are well cheapest ones about 350 and the most expensive ones about $6 less than $6 more like $550 for those four it's like 17 bucks

Probably I should take the dark hooker off

Haha dark ocher

I mean your whole palette isn't supposed to be browns

I also keep having this crazy thought like man I should really get a silver or something but I think that's too much

I love you sweetheart 💋

Woke up to pee

Was dreaming about you

Was also

I think

having a cold flash

Our teeth were chattering

and we were shivering in the dream

I love you sweetheart 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

And the palette I'm going to use is this old kind of rusty vintage tin Holbein pallet

It's got 16 spaces

I'm not going to use 16 spaces

But I haven't quite decided how many I am going to use

I wanted it to be a more limited palette but it's looking like 14 or 15

If I use the lunar Earth

And I don't use the deep sea indigo

And I don't use the yavapai

That would be 12

With the leaf green

But I am also considering using a lighter blue green kind of color

I don't know I don't want too many colors and I have a lot of red

But I find that I use the red

Anyway

This is the kind of geeky stuff that makes me happy

This is kind of my playing with the pallet development

The second color is called burnt umber natural and it's a color You can get from Windsor Newton and I'd heard a lot of English people talking about it and I like it I like it a lot but it isn't a great mixing shade

The raw sienna deep is actually the pigment for yellow okra but it's a transparent yellow ocher and it is very similar to that raw umber natural except it is transparent and it is like one of my favorite colors ever it is so good at blending and mixing and it's it's just amazing it's really one of my favorite colors on a pallet

I don't know if I said this it's that blob up in the far left hand side and see it's just very similar in color

And I was like what I really want is something like that raw umber natural except a little bit darker which is how I came up with that yavapai or whatever because it looks to be like not halfway maybe halfway I don't think it's quite halfway

Between the raw umber natural and the raw umber which is the one to the right of it although that's not a very smooth swatch The really smooth swatch of raw umber above it is qor raw umber which is my very favorite raw umber but core is best used on its own and also although it's beautiful and it gives a very smooth wash it doesn't till like if you were going to use it in its mass tone you'd want the core but if you're going to blend it out and make light washes of it then this DaVinci is really better

And then the blue that's right next to it is Prussian blue green shade which I've only seen from DaVinci although who could say maybe somebody else does it I'm sort of trying to approximate or when I ordered it I was sort of trying to approximate the blend that I do with the qor water colors with indigo and raw umber and I love that blend but I'm not wanting this to be runny watercolors not wanting it to do all those fancy shoot across the page things The DaVinci is thick it blends out really well but you got a lot more control over it so I mean if you're doing like abstract stuff then having it be able to go all over is great but if you're going to do landscapes then having a little more control over it is maybe better

Then the color that's just above that to the right is my favorite and if I had to pick only one from the shamincke super granulating watercolors and funny thing is is that it is the very first one that I bought and really and truly I could forego all the rest of them it's kind of sad but I love this one but I just don't know that I need it on this palette it's the undersea indigo and it's really cool and I could get some good effects with it but it has a cobalt color and I'm really trying to keep this a non-toxic palette because I'm thinking you know anyway but then I found out that the nickel titanate isn't non-toxic because nickel now it's I think less toxic than cobalt but I don't know

The dots around the raw umber natural are me showing myself that I can easily blend that color by using the nickel tighten it yellow and the violet iron oxide which is right underneath the Prussian blue green shade

That dark gray blue is sodalite genuine from Daniel Smith the kind of warm gray color on the bottom right is that charcoal watercolor the kind of orangey red swatches around the periling maroon and the bright red that's the alizarin gold

I ordered a little sample size of leaf green because I decided I wanted kind of an unnatural almost neoni green looking color that that would contrast really nicely although it's not the kind of shade I ever paint with so it's out of my comfort zone for sure

The charcoal is better if you use it fresh rather than let it set up

The watercolors are better if you let them set up

The charcoal doesn't stick to your pallet very well so if you put a big blob of it it'll just like lift off and get mixed in with your paints and stuff

For some reason I don't like burnt sienna I don't like there's a whole range of orange that I don't like I like orange but there's this brownish orange color and it's like you sort of need it but I don't like the colors I've tried quinacridone burnt orange

I didn't like burnt sienna from the get-go

And when I was painting with oils and acrylics I used Indian red instead but I don't like Indian red in watercolor because it's too opaque so now I use alizarin gold as my burnt sienna substitute and paraleen maroon as my Indian red substitute it's just really funny cuz I can watch videos of people talking about colors and color mixing and the perfect color chart and I'm like nope can't use that nope don't like that nope you know and I can go through a whole watching a whole pallet there's a woman who is like world renowned for her watercolor color knowledge

Her name is Jane Blundell and she's Australian and she's really nice

Very knowledgeable I totally am not in any way dissing her but you know she put together pallets for several different companies actually and I always looking on a gun that's beautiful but I just wouldn't paint with that

I don't know why I have to be so difficult

Anyway I think what I'm finally going to do is open up the tubes and try to stick something in and get out a little bit of paint in the hope that I can just verify which color it is cuz although I can mix it The color I can mix doesn't have any granulation and I want the granulation and I can put granulation in it but that'll push it red or blacker and I don't want either of those things

I actually think I prefer to play with mixing colors than to paint an object I really am interested in the color

Anyway the lunar Earth is a paint that has it breaks apart in the extreme so if you paint with it you don't get like you can't get a solid wash with it it breaks apart but if you mix it before you paint with it then you can get some interesting effects like on the page with the with the six big blobs there are some bits that look just like just like I painted the paint brush down that is the lunar Earth blended in with the yellow and it's not really reading as all that granulated it's more just reading as dimensional it's interesting stuff and I like it those big blobs were blended on the paper and you get more of the granulation effect when you do it like that I particularly like that one on the nickel tighten it yellow that's the bottom center one I put down the yellow and then I put down a lot of the lunar Earth and then I put more yellow on top of it and so it it's got kind of a weird glowing burning type effect

I don't know they're interesting and definitely going to include the lunar Earth

The other day I was trying to mix whatever that color is The one to the left and above are the color whatever it is yavapai or tiger's eye

And the one in the middle is the color that I mixed although I don't remember exactly what I used to mix that I think I used Rossi in a deep and violet iron oxide I'm pretty sure just those colors but then the color that's kind of below that that's a little more brown I think that's that same color but with some raw umber mixed into it

And I think maybe it is yavapai because in the picture it looks redder looking at it in person it does not look red at all it looks brown maybe slightly goldeny brown

But in the picture it looks like more of a sort of burnt siennae color

I have some Daniel Smith watercolor primatech that I bought a long time ago like I don't know 12 or 15 years

And when I bought them I played around with them but they didn't really work just all by themselves they really needed normal colors to interact with

And I was painting with acrylic then and I was not interested in buying a whole bunch of more watercolors so I kind of said them aside well generally watercolors last pretty much forever

I mean they will dry out

But usually only if the packaging is punctured or something you know

The thing that has a tendency to happen is that they will separate from their binding binder and you have to remix them or whatever and you may not be able to get a adequate product you have to cut the tube open but generally they last a really long time

So the fact that these are 12 or 15 years old and I mean I just used them a few times right but they seem to be pretty much rock solid in the tube

Cuz I took him out to look at them and play with them

Now I squeezed them all out on the pallet and I can re-wet those and paint with them just fine

But I didn't label them in the pallet so there's this one color that I want and the rest of them I'm like meh about right

And I'm considering rebuying this one color

Except I'm not 100% sure what color it is

I thought it was yavapai

But then when I look up videos online about yavapai it looks redder

So then I thought well maybe it's tiger's eye

But when I look up videos about tiger's eye it seems more greeny brown

And this color that I want it's like it's got a little bit of yellow in it but it's mostly just like a straight up sandy brown like would be perfect for landscapes right but I watched a bunch of videos and I just cannot determine which color it is

And I mean they're not super expensive but they're both I mean the avapai is one of the cheaper ones but the tiger size a little bit more expensive but if the yavapai is a reddish color I don't want it and I don't want to order a color that I don't want so I'm like well I mean I can mix that color

But the thing is is that I don't want to have to mix great gobs of it you know cuz I got to use like three colors to mix it and it's just a pain in the ass to have to mix that much paint if you're expecting it to be one of your main colors right it's just easier to buy a tube of it

So but then I was thinking well you know maybe maybe I can mix a variety of colors and I remembered that I had the lunar Earth well I mean I knew I had the lunar Earth but I haven't been using it and so I mixed a bunch of colors with lunar Earth

And I also got

Somebody I follow on Instagram was using it and I was like oh I got to have some of that

It's a shminka liquid charcoal except it's not really liquid charcoal it's like charcoal mixed into a watercolor binder so it's got some of the properties of charcoal not all of them and it's got some of the properties of watercolor but not all of them but if you use it by itself with a brush what you get is sort of a drawing effect as opposed to a watercolor effect

But you can also mix it with the watercolor and it has a kind of a granulation it comes in three colors but the one I got was the the burnt cherry pit which is a kind of a warm gray

So these are some colors that I mixed with raw umber and lunar Earth and a little bit of violet iron oxide some nickel tighten it yellow some alizarin gold it's several different samples and I may have ended up with some yellow ocher in there no not yellow ocher golden ocher cuz I have golden ocher was my kind of go-to yellow but then I have the raw sienna deep which is more transparent and they're sort of close so I was like well I don't really need both of those on my pallet and with the nickel tighten 8 that gives me a cooler yellow that I can get some interesting effects with but it's a little bit more opaque than some of the cooler yellows and so it holds its own better and mixes and it does some interesting things and if I mix that with the Rossi and a deep I get a color that's very similar to the golden ocher which is a blend of yellow ocher and I can't remember which yellow it's an unusual yellow but a bright non-natural yellow so it's like half natural and half not

But I'm using another old pallet because it's got a bunch of colors basically I went back to the first pallet that I started painting with a couple years ago and I've been playing with some of the colors in that to kind of remind myself about I mean some of those colors ran out but rather than digging all my paints out and putting them back on to pallets I just decided to use up the paint that was on that pallet and but you know I don't have them labeled and I can't remember which one I had first I'm pretty sure I've been using the second paint which is the Rossi and a deep and then I used the first one which I thought was the Rossi in a deep but I don't I don't know at any rate I guess what I'm saying is I mixed these colors and I can mix them again but I don't know how I did it

goodnight sweetheart

I love you

very

💋💋💋

I love you very much sweetheart 💋💋💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋

There are some bits and pieces of this that I can't seem to get over

Like she was supposed to be cleaning off the desk in the kitchen table while I'm packing the whole rest of the house

And she didn't want me to touch those things

But then when it was time for the movers to be there the kitchen table still wasn't cleaned off

And she's like oh that's fine You can pack it up just put everything on the table into a box

Now everything that was on the table wouldn't fit into one box but there was quite a bit of junk on the table that I threw away

But as I got to the bottom

There was a cottage cheese container

And I'm like oh well maybe she has paper clips in that or something but there was a big part of my brain that knew it was quite possible that it had rotted food in it

So I opened it very carefully you know flat on the table not like I would if it was paper clips just you know pick it up and open it willy nilly

And it had something rotten and liquid in it I don't know if it was cottage cheese or if it was something else but it was disgusting

And I can't stop seeing that I can't get over it

And then today I'm packing up this other thing that she didn't want me to touch and yet hasn't packed and probably won't be able to pack now

Cuz she's not supposed to lift more than 5 lb or lift her arm above her shoulder or you know any number of other things and she's supposed to relax

So I'm like well you know we're down to the last week so I guess I'll just go ahead and pack that

And it's a mishmash of things it's pictures

And stuff from family of origin

And random stuff that's paperwork that she probably doesn't really need to keep but she wants to for one reason or another

And then it's stuff like her will and her power of attorney it's in there somewhere

So

In addition to all of those things they're quite a few of my things that she found and squirreled away I don't know where she found this

But it creeps me out

There was a little packet that says Elizabeth private photographs

So I'm like what does that mean

So I open it up and it's Polaroids

That Robert and I took

When I was like 17

And he was like 20

And one is just of his dick

The other one is of him brandishing his dick

And the other one is me

In what looks to me like a very sad very timid beaver shot

Completely shaved of course because hair is gross even though that was not the standard at the time

And I'm like

I could see her throwing them away

I could see her shredding them

I could see her giving them to me and saying you know I'm sorry I found these and I thought they belong to you and there was any way for me to give them to you without your knowing that I had seen them but here you go

But keeping them with you know the baby pictures of me and I don't know I just I'm horrified

I'm traumatized

I'm not because she saw a naked pictures of me

But because she kept them

Like all secret

And I know it's just a hoarder thing can't throw anything away

But I can't get over it

The pacemaker battery situation

Apparently you just have to get the batteries replaced every so many years

And it's been that many years

and she didn't really tell me anything about it beforehand she just was like hey I'm having my batteries replaced

And then there was drama because she was scared but then she didn't want me there and I don't know it was all very complicated and the times kept changing and the story kept changing and what was going on kept changing and my research indicated to me that it should not be a big deal procedure but you know she's old

And so her procedure was supposed to be at 8:30 but then it was at 10:00 but there's only supposed to take 30 minutes

And I didn't want to be like an hour away so I just drove there to wait at a place that's like an a mile and a half away

But but I ended up waiting for a little over 2 hours there because the procedure didn't happen at the time it was supposed to and the information she was given about how long she was supposed to be in recovery wasn't right or she didn't get it right or something I don't know it's hard to know

Anyway even though it didn't seem like she was supposed to be in any danger it still was very traumatizing for me and I was very worried about her and I just I'm not bouncing back from anything now

I'm like just regulated all the time

And yesterday I had a headache and I couldn't make myself go to the house and I just spent all day playing with watercolor paints and it was great because I got engrossed in it and I completely didn't think about the house and the stuff that still has to come out of the house and now to keep her from trying to make me pack the other stuff and I don't know I'm just I'm not dealing with any of this very well

And I had this thing where I was like Man I want to change my name nobody's really called me by my name for years and I don't feel connected to it at all doesn't feel like it's me

And I thought well you know I could change it to Rose that was the name I gave myself when I was a kid

That just seemed too feminine for me and I just didn't think it fit me

So I took like you know I don't know 30 seconds and was like Ari Rose Cohen

Cause Cohen's a family name right

But there are like I don't know half a dozen at least Ari Cohen's who are famous enough to have Google listings anyway

And I don't know today I'm like less about it but yesterday I was all day I was Ari Rose Cohen

She's okay

She said she feels better than before they changed her battery

Anyway that's kind of an abbreviated version of the story but I feel like that's doing pretty good for the state I'm in

I love you sweetheart 💋

here's a picture of her with bill

goodnight sweetheart I love you very much 💋